He Kissed Me Crazy

The Suggestion of a Date

Tucker was thoroughly confused when he entered the kitchen to find Kendell gone.

And then very guilty.

Had he taken that long in the washroom?

It had felt like he'd come only seconds after he heard Kendell calling through the door at him.

He'd planned to cool his head in the washroom, to push down the unwarranted sensations pulled from within him by Kendell's innocent retelling.

But splashing water on his face had done nothing, and all he could see when he looked into the mirror was a man with a dangerous desire to finish what Kendell had started.

His mind's eye brought him back to that stairwell, when he’d looked over his shoulder and met Kendell's expression of blatant desire, the expression that had sent shivers through him as much as it had made him afraid.

Except… in his mind, he hadn’t run away, hadn't been afraid.

In his mind, he’d grabbed Kendell’s head and pulled Kendell into another kiss.

In his mind… Kendell had always known whom it was underneath those women’s clothes and laughed at Tucker for thinking he could be fooled. And then punished Tucker for the deception anyway.

Before he'd realized what he was doing, Tucker had pulled himself free and started pumping. His dazed mind had reassured himself that if he jerked off nice and quickly, the incessant, aching need plaguing him would leave so he could act more sensibly, so he could think.

But, apparently, he hadn't been quick enough.

Kendell had lost patience with him and had left.

Damn it.

Tucker strode to his room and picked up his phone from the bed, pulling up and punching the Call icon next to Kendell's number as he began to pace around his room.

Three rings in and Tucker cursed. Was Kendell that angry with him that he wasn't answering?

Tucker bit his lip.

Where had he gone?

Why wasn't he picking up?

Tucker ended the call and switched to text.

[Where did you go? I'm good to talk now.]

His thumb punched Send, a nervous jittering moving through his body.

There was a moment of quiet when Tucker sat down and waited, staring at the phone, his heel tapping nervously on the floor.

As he waited, he finally took the time to think about everything that had happened to Kendell that night.

Well, Kendell had met up with a girl who’d come knowing they would kiss, and he’d had to chase her down a staircase just for that kiss, and when he'd touched her—Tucker felt his cheeks heat but he forced himself through the thoughts—she had liked it all, but then she’d suddenly elbowed him in the stomach and ran away, not speaking a word to him in explanation.

F*ck.

And then…

Then Kendell had come back to the apartment, woke his friend up because he’d needed someone to talk about it to, and, guess what, said friend had ditched him, too.

I'm such an asshole. Tucker closed his eyes and groaned out loud.

What am I even doing? This isn’t me.

Tucker swore, and punched the Call button for Kendell again, rubbing his hand over his face as he listened to the rings going through once more.

Come on, Kendell, pick up...

When Kendell finally answered, it was so sudden Tucker nearly dropped the phone.

"Hi, Tucker," Kendell said, and Tucker cringed at the sadness and weariness he heard in his friend's voice.

"Come back, Kendell; I'm sorry, I’ll listen. I'm sorry I didn't before, but I will now. Don't just leave. Come back and we'll—"

"I've decided to give her some space," Kendell said with a sigh filled with regret.

Tucker pressed his lips together, struggling to keep himself from blurting out something he shouldn't. There was no good reason to tell Kendell the truth now. It would just… It would just hurt Kendell.

It was hurting Tucker right now. It hurt that Kendell was feeling bad… and it hurt that Kendell was basically giving up on them.

I’m f*cking nuts is what I am.

Tucker closed his eyes, grimacing, trying to think of something to make Kendell feel better. He said, "Why worry so much, bud? It'll be all right. You know there’s always more..." Tucker trailed off, the rest of his words dying on his lips.

Shit.

He'd just been going to suggest that Kendell find another woman, like Tucker would any friend down on his luck. He was pretty sure he’d already said so before, when this mess had first started. Tucker believed the old saying, "There's plenty of other fish in the sea." But the words wouldn't come out this time.

"I know...what?" Kendell asked, his voice sounding even more weary now. "Tell me."

Tucker winced, shaking his head even though Kendell couldn't see him. "Nothing, never mind, I—"

"Tucker, help me—what should I do? You're…experienced with these things. Tell me what Stephanie would want me to do."

Tucker blinked, feeling his face heat further.

What she would want to do? Hell, I know what she would want to do. But you wouldn't like it, because she isn't a "she".

He clenched his teeth together and swallowed again.

What can I even say?

The entreating tone in Kendell's voice was so unfamiliar. Tucker wanted to help him.

Tucker breathed out slowly. He should do what was right by Kendell.

"I could... uh…” F*ck. He really didn’t want to say it. He should want to, but he didn't. But he had to end this stupid farce he’d created. “I could set you up with a girl in my Psych class, if you're interested.”

Silence on the other side of the phone made him talk faster.

“She's pretty and smart and isn’t stuck up and I think you might..." Tucker felt a heavy weight sinking into his chest, making him pause. He struggled past it, ignoring it. "I think you might hit it off—"

"Fine."

“—but if you just give her a shot, you… Wait, what did you say?” Tucker's eyes widened and he turned his head to stare at the phone in his hand.

Had Kendell just agreed? Is that what he'd heard?

“I said, fine. Let’s do it.” Kendell laughed on the other side of the line, but… it didn’t sound that happy. “You’re right. What was I even doing, going after someone who is fighting so hard not to want me? Set me up with her. As soon as possible.”

"Y-Yeah?" Tucker stumbled on the word as his mind scrambled to keep up with what Kendell was saying.

"Yes, Tucker. I can't take it anymore. Anyone. I would be okay with anyone."

Tucker felt a hum shiver through him, and his skin prickled.

Don't even go there, Tucker.

He wasn't talking about you.

----

Kendell was depressed.

He didn’t know what to do about Tucker.

Or himself.

Tucker could get it up for a guy. Tucker could get it up for Kendell.

Why the hell wasn’t Kendell jumping on Tucker every chance he could get?

Why in the world was he holding back when he knew that Tucker… would probably… would most likely…

Kendell groaned to himself yet again, as he had for the last few days since Hallowe’en night.

Because he still didn’t know exactly how Tucker would react, and that not knowing paralyzed him.

Just like it had before, just like it would forever.

Kendell couldn’t take that step. He couldn’t admit what he felt, what he really wanted.

All I can do is f*cking eavesdrop while he m*********s. Like the big man I am.

Once upon a time, he’d told himself that it was because Tucker was obviously straight. That was why Kendell couldn’t confess his feelings for him. If he told Tucker he liked him, Tucker would be uncomfortable, and would start avoiding him.

Kendell had seen it happen in his middle school. He hadn’t wanted it to happen to him.

But.

Now, Tucker wasn’t obviously straight. Now… Tucker had kissed Kendell—twice that he knew of—and had liked it.

So…

Kendell should have been able to confess now.

There was nothing standing in his way.

So what if Tucker liked to dress as a girl? Kendell could take the clothes off him just as easily—and the idea of lifting Tucker’s skirt was kind of delirium-inducing, if Kendell was completely honest with himself.

So…

What the hell was holding him back now?

What the hell was he so afraid of?

But even as he asked the questions, he already knew the answers.

You can’t confess because you’re a f*cking coward. Don’t even bother thinking otherwise.

Kendell’s thoughts plagued him all day, weighing him down.

That night, he was supposed to go on a blind date with Tucker’s classmate.

Hell.

Kendell didn’t want to do it.

That Tucker had suggested it, after everything that had happened…

That had hurt so f*cking bad.

But he’d gone along with it anyway.

For Tucker’s sake. For his own sake.

Kendell knew if he pretended to hit it off with this girl, Tucker would feel better about pretending to be a girl.

Kendell still wanted to know why Tucker had acted that way.

But he’d thought about it again, that night of the party.

It had to have been some ploy.

Kendell felt a smile slip before he stifled it. Tucker just hadn’t expected to like his ploy quite so much.

Maybe it would happen again if they got drunk again.

Hadn’t Tucker tried to get Kendell drunk again?

But… Kendell didn’t want drunken kisses. Drunken kisses could be passed off as nothing more than that.

And besides, Tucker couldn’t have seriously been doing that just to kiss Kendell.

Tucker liked kissing, that was for sure, but he had his damn pick of girls around willing to do that with him.

Tucker might already have found someone to do it with by now.

Kendell didn’t know because, when he hadn’t already had late shifts keeping him away, he had purposely avoided Tucker, afraid of what he might accidentally reveal.

His resolve had been completely shaken up that night. What if he did something that gave himself away?

I’m pathetic.

Kendell grimaced all through Engineering class.

Just go out with the damn girl, let her dump you when she realizes you’re not her type, and find some guy willing to ease the damn horniness for a bit.

When Kendell got home that evening, he felt like he was finally prepared to act like he was excited about this date. Even if he was feeling ice cold inside.

He found Tucker in the kitchen, pooling over class notes, and quickly schooled his expression, bracing himself as Tucker looked up at him with a smile that was unfairly phenomenal.

Tucker must have just showered because his hair was in its slightly curled waves on his head, he was in a black T-shirt that moulded to his athletic shoulders and narrowed waist, and his dark blue jeans encased his muscled thighs in a way that was just asking to be touched.

Kendell sighed inwardly, wishing he hadn’t seen him before meeting his date tonight.

No matter how good-looking this girl was going to be, Kendell would still have to completely fake his attraction to her. And now he had stupidly sexy Tucker in his head to compare her to.

Maybe she’d be a body builder. That might work.

Maybe it was time he finally admitted that he was gay.

Idiot. Why bother to even think that when you know you’re not going to do it?

Tucker interrupted his thoughts by smiling broadly and asking, “Are you all set for your date?”

Kendell nodded, trying not to frown. Damn you. That really hurts, Tucker.

Then he blinked.

Had he just seen…

There had been a flash of something in Tucker’s eyes before Tucker dropped his gaze.

No…

Tucker stood and grabbed a bouquet of flowers Kendell hadn’t seen off the chair next to him and handed them to Kendell with another big smile, whatever emotion Kendell might have seen gone.

“These are for you,” Tucker said, his voice painfully cheerful. “For your date.”

Kendell ground his teeth even as he accepted the flowers and gave Tucker a bland smile in return. “That’s not nice, Tucker.”

Tucker’s smile dropped right on cue, a confused frown taking its place. “Well, I just thought you wouldn’t have had time—"

Kendell interrupted with an exaggerated cluck of his tongue. “For a moment I’d thought you’d gotten these for me.”

Tucker blew out a breath loudly through his lips and turned away. “You wish,” he said as he returned to his notes, glancing at Kendell before looking down at the papers before him.

Kendell blinked again.

There it is again…

He forced himself to be calm, as he still wasn’t sure.

As if compelled, he moved forward to stand too close to Tucker under the guise of looking down at Tucker’s schoolwork. “Hey, Tuck?” he said, trying to force Tucker to look up at him.

“Yeah?” Unfortunately, Tucker didn’t take the bait, answering while still keeping his eyes downcast.

It reminded Kendell of that first day after their drunken kiss, when he’d leaned similarly at Tucker’s desk, trying to get a rise out of him.

That memory gave him his next question.

“Why are you out here studying instead of in your own room?”

Tucker paused, his hands lifting looseleaf paper freezing for a moment.

What’s this? Was there a reason?

“You got a problem with that?” Tucker said irately, but he still avoided Kendell’s eyes, and he hadn’t answered the question.

What was Tucker doing at the table?

“Don’t you have to go now?” Tucker said without looking up.

Kendell inwardly sighed, letting it go. Tucker’s reminder of what Kendell had to do sunk into his chest like a dead weight.

He looked down at the pretty bouquet of flowers—white lilies and pink roses—and felt a headache coming on already.

Unable to resist, Kendell tilted his head to gaze at Tucker one last time, looking at his silky locks shining in the light of the simple hanging light above them.

After this date… Tucker was definitely going to pretend nothing had happened between them.

That was what this date was. To make Kendell look elsewhere.

Kendell felt his throat closing.

We were so close, Tuck, weren’t we?

Before he could stop himself, Kendell lifted a hand and ran his fingers gently through Tucker’s hair.

Tucker visibly froze in place, except his head jerked up to stare at Kendell with wide eyes.

Kendell carefully kept his gaze on Tucker’s hair, his face as casual as he could ever have made it, even as his heart thudded hard behind his ribs. “It’s so silky,” he said simply, as if it were perfectly natural for him to do this.

He was good at keeping his voice light, even when he was thinking heavy thoughts. He’d had years of practice.

Tucker did not have that practice. “Do you have to do that?” Tucker asked, and his voice had deepened and become hoarse.

It sent a thrill up Kendell’s spine, and he quickly, but not too quickly, slipped his hand out of Tucker’s hair and shoved it into his pocket as he pushed away from the table, flowers still held in his other hand.

“Yeah. Time to go.” If he didn’t leave now, he might not be able to at all. “See you later.”

Kendell had only taken two steps before something hot gripped his wrist and halted him in place.

He looked down in surprise to see that it was Tucker’s hand holding him. He looked up in confusion, and then felt heat radiate within him in thrilling waves.

Tucker was looking at where he held Kendell by the wrist, as if he wasn’t certain how his hand had gotten there. But his cheeks were quickly staining red, and he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

Kendell felt a smile pull up his lips even as he warned his heart sternly not to be moved. “What’s up?” he asked casually, carefully. It might look like Tucker had stopped him from leaving, but it was too early to get his hopes up.

Tucker’s hand released Kendell’s wrist, and the cool air replacing where Tucker’s hand was painful. See? he told his heart.

Tucker shook his head, not saying anything, going back to his work with his lips pressed together.

Kendell stared a little bit longer, a thought suddenly occurring to him.

Was… Tucker also afraid to admit what he wanted?

Kendell turned away as soon as that thought surfaced, frowning at himself.

As if.

Tucker didn’t balk at going for anything he really wanted.

Clearly, he didn’t really want to take that step with Kendell, or he would.

Don’t get your hopes up for nothing, i***t.

“Why do you want to go out with her?”

The words behind Kendell made him pause.

He frowned and turned back. “What?” What are you talking about? Because you want me to, obviously.

“Why are you going on a blind date?”

“Why are you asking? It was your idea.” Don’t ask me questions I can’t answer.

“Yeah, but… You don’t usually do anything I suggest.”

“And, what,” Kendell said with a snort as he turned around fully and put his hands on his hips, ignoring the flowers in his hand. “Now that I am, you’ve suddenly got a problem with it?” Not that I mind. By all means, have a problem with it. Have a big problem with it.

Kendell quelled his thoughts, frustrated again.

Tucker was avoiding his gaze. It’s not polite to avoid looking at the person you’re interrogating. “Don’t you want a girlfriend?” Tucker asked the table.

Kendell’s eyes narrowed. From someone who always wanted a girlfriend, that was an odd question. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Do you?”

“Why are you asking?” Two could play the question game.

“I just realized… that maybe you don’t.” Tucker was doodling on his paper now, and biting his lip, his eyes forever downcast.

It’s not fair that you look like that when you ask me questions that I don’t want to answer.

“What made you think that?”

“You don’t seem particularly excited about it.”

Kendell’s eyes widened and his heart thumped. Had he given himself away somehow… or… was Tucker becoming more aware of him?

He quickly shuttered himself up more tightly. But he couldn’t very well lie now. Tucker had already noticed. “No…I’m not particularly excited about it.”

“Why not? She’s pretty—and smart, friendly. She’s like the others you’ve dated.”

Kendell smirked. What would Tucker think if Kendell said he couldn’t even recall what his previous girlfriends had in common? He hadn’t really cared to look at them that much. He hadn’t been particularly mean to them, and did the whole boyfriend thing properly, but they’d been more like friends than anything else. A couple of them had even recognized his orientation for what it was, though he hadn’t admitted it to them, not wanting to let the news reach Tucker’s ears.

“I just don’t want one right now,” he said, which was completely true.

“Why not?”

Kendell blew out his breath and put the flowers down on the kitchen counter. He saw Tucker glance over at the flowers as he did so and was just a bit tempted to smash them down, but he resisted. Pathetic as it was, they were flowers from Tucker.

“Tucker,” Kendell said as he leaned back against the counter, maintaining his casual, sardonic tone, even as his heart beat out of his chest. Tucker was definitely delaying his leaving. Was it on purpose? “Why are you suddenly so interested in what I want?”

Tucker frowned down at his notes. “I’ve always been interested. I mean, I want you to be… you know… happy. With someone.”

No, you haven’t. Kendell felt his heart quaking. No, you definitely haven’t taken interest in my lovelife before. You probably couldn’t even name half of the people I went out with. A quarter of them.

But now Tucker was interested.

Kendell felt tingles up his spine.

Why?

Was Tucker still worried Kendell was bemoaning how things turned out with Stephanie?

Or did he really care?

Kendell had to know.

Kendell picked up the flowers again, not missing Tucker’s eyes jerk back to them now in his hand and turned again to go. But this time, he was bluffing. He wanted Tucker to stop him. “Well, enlightening as this conversation has been, I don’t want to be late.”

“Why would you go if you don’t want to go out with her?”

Kendell continued walking, his heart fluttering as he heard Tucker rise from his seat behind him.

“Because it’s honestly better than having no one and—” Kendell looked back at Tucker with an exaggerated shake of his head. “I can’t very well stand the girl up, can I? I’m a gentleman.”

Tucker smirked and folded his arms over his chest. “No, you aren’t. Did you forget what you did to Stephanie?”

Kendell stilled. He was shocked Tucker was bringing Stephanie up. “She liked everything that I did…” He couldn’t keep the hesitation out of his voice.

“But were you a gentleman? You said she ran away from ...you.” Tucker’s voice slipped in confidence a little, perhaps belatedly realizing he might be giving his own knowledge away.

Kendell wasn’t going to let that slide. “Did I?”

He honestly couldn’t recall exactly what he’d said to Tucker; the situation had been too heavy.

But had he said that? Or did Tucker just out himself?

“Of course you did,” Tucker said, but he was already sitting himself down at the table again. “Anyway, go if you don’t want to be late.”

You know what, I don’t think I did tell him that Stephanie had run.

Should he pounce on that?

He wavered, undecided.

But then turned away again.

That detail is too flimsy, he decided, his heart trying to drum in his ears. Tucker would just fight it, and they would get nowhere. Because Kendell wasn't ever going to admit he knew, unless Tucker admitted it first.

He couldn’t resist his parting remark though. Just in case it worked. “If you don’t see me again tonight, then don’t call me. I’ll be giving someone the time of their life.”