Royals and Rebels 2: Love and War

Thirteen: Penelope Peters

Chapter Thirteen

Penelope Peters

As October turned into November, I let myself get pulled back into the world of Cadoc. I begrudgingly let him sit next to me in English class, and, right before Jasper was due back, he convinced me to come to one of his parties. I went, mostly because Audrey had heard a rumor that Lennon Lucas was going to be there.

For anyone who wasn’t a teenage girl, Lennon Lucas was the lead singer of the boyband Crush. His group had won Star Power! It was a popular, reality show with a singing competition mixed in. He was two years older than her, and fans and the public had been brutal when the two had dated.

Their publicists had decided it was better for the two of them to break up, resulting in Audrey distracting herself with school and hours of listening to Lennon’s solo album Magic. According to her, I was her wing woman in case Lennon actually did decide to show his face there.

He was eighteen, she was sixteen, and anything happening between them was still dicey. But he was kryptonite, according to her, and as someone with her own I could understand that.

“Alright,” said Audrey, “now, no matter what I say, or do, you’re going to say by my side the whole night aren’t you?”

“Of course,” I said, “I told you I would.”

We were in Cadoc’s off campus apartment. It didn’t feel near as strange being there, since I’d been at school almost two months. I had a group of friends, girls who understood me and what I was going through.

There were still the Addington’s of the world that didn’t accept us there. But with Cadoc in our corner, there wasn’t much the boys and me of the school could do about it unless they wanted to be ostracized. With events like the balls, and Cadoc’s parties, the boys seemed to hold grudges less and less. Couples sprung up overnight, and everyone was in love. Drunk on hormones and the rush of teen angst.

“I know,” said Audrey, “but while you two are off being all Lizzie and Darcy, I don’t want to get lost. If that bastard a has the nerve to show his face, I will turn into a Heart song.”

“Magic Man?”

She nodded.

“How are you an actress? You should be a reviewer for Rolling Stone.”

She smiled. “Believe me, I’ve thought about it, but I’d much just rather be a Penny Lane type. Get fantastically fuckable boys to write love songs about me and create art about them.”

“Sounds very bohemian.”

“Doesn’t it?” she laughed. “Any way, tonight is not the night for you to get all I Almost Do on me, okay?”

Lennon Lucas was tall, with short, spiky brown hair, and full, kissable lips. He was holding court with Cadoc, in the living room on the couch. He wore a white, wife beater shirt, jeans, and a gold chain around his neck. Even though it was November in Wales, he wasn’t wearing a jacket and didn’t look cold in the slightest.

He was talking with Cadoc, but the moment that Audrey entered his vision, his gaze focused sharply on her.

“Audrey,” he said, his voice deep, raspy. Audrey froze next to me, like a deer in the headlights.

Whatever resolve Audrey might have had not to talk with him, I could see it wavering.

“You’re Lennon Lucas, right?” I spoke, feeling the need to distract them both.

“Yeah,” he said, his gaze meeting mine as if just realizing I was there, “you’re Shakespeare. Cadoc’s told me about you.”

“Penelope Peters, actually,” I corrected, “nice to meet you.”

“Yeah.” His gaze left mine the moment that we were done talking.

Cadoc coughed. “We should go, elsewhere.”

“Hey!” I blurted out, trying to prevent the train wreck from happening that there was clearly no way to stop. “So, Audrey mentioned you were looking for new material for your album, and I’ve got some poetry. I’m no musician, but I am a wordsmith. Could I send you something?”

To my surprise, Lennon looked up at me. “Budding poet, huh?” he shrugged, scratching his head, “Yeah, I could take a look. Audrey’s got my contact information. Send me something, and if I like it, I’ll call you to set up a studio session so we can get everything worked out.”

“Cool,” I squeaked.

I wasn’t sure what weird staring contest I’d gotten into the middle of, but before I could try to prevent the two of them from doing their weird mating ritual, I found myself whisked away from them.

“C’mon Shakes,” he said, “can’t stop what’s about to happen. They’re flames.”

“But—Audrey——“

He grabbed my hand and led me away from the couch, leaving Audrey alone.

“You planned that,” I accused.

“Me inviting my friend to a party is me planning something?” He looked at me. “Not everything I do is nefarious, you know. I snuck you into Jaspers camp so that you could meet him. I helped end a monarchy that was several hundreds years old. I’m not a bad guy.”

I knew he was right. But I couldn’t help but feel like everything he did was a ploy, a way to push me deeper into his world. Since we’d gone to visit Jasper, the paps had made appearances several times. Always when him and I were together.

I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but Audrey was a world-famous actress. She’d been at our school for the same amount of time, and they never bothered her. Hollow Hills had a strict, no photographer policy too given how notorious some of the people were that attended. I hadn’t called Cadoc out on it though. Hadn’t wanted to seem like a paranoid b***h. But then my fave had appeared on the cover of The Sun with a little thing that said: Prince Cadoc’s new girl?

It had been a picture of the two of us studying, our heads bent together as I’d explained a poem by Emily Dickinson. I’d turned the page, Cadoc hadn’t had his book because he’d forgotten it. Our hands had grazed for a moment. Somehow, they’d caught that perfect moment.

“This is about the pictures, isn’t it?” Cadoc asked, running his hand through his hair.

I hesitated. “I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“You were, though,” he said, “I had the palace issue a statement when the first ones appeared. They know that you’re Jaspers girlfriend. I could have them issue another one, if you want. But Penelope, this is part of being friends with me. When I first started hanging out with Audrey, everyone thought that we were dating until they saw Gwyneth and I were together again. Which, we still are, might I add.”

“We should go out on a date,” I blurted, and I saw his eyes widen.

“What?”

“No, not together. I mean...I mean you and Gwyneth, me and Jasper.”

“A double date, you mean?” he asked.

“Yes, of course,” I said, “it’s the perfect thing. If people see we’re with other people, that will get them off our backs.”

He frowned, and I knew there was a whole argument waiting to be had. I didn’t even want to think about how close we were to December, to New Years, to that kiss we were going to have. How did one pacify a Prince? Especially when he was used to getting whatever he wanted?

“What’s it going to take, Pen?” he asked. “To make you realize this isn’t some helpless, teen crush?”

“I don’t want you to be in love with the idea of me,” I told him, “I want you to be in love with me. Who I am at sixteen isn’t who I am going to be at eighteen or twenty. I am not worth a broken hearted, bitter King.”

He reached out to brush back a strand of hair behind my ear. “You are worth every, single, broken heart.”

We stood there staring at each other, the music pulsating, and sweaty teen bodies drunkenly dancing around.

“C’mon,” I said.

I grabbed him by his hand, and I pulled him out onto the balcony. I closed the door behind us. I wanted to be away from the noise, from the mess.

“Tell me something true,” I told him.

“Something true?” he leaned against the balcony railing on his back, his head staring up at the inky, black night sky. “Okay. I nearly killed someone.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Mason Macdonald” he answered, “the leader of The Guillotine.”

“You were there?” I said. “When Coleum fell?”

“When the monarchy fell, yes,” he said, “I helped Rose James sneak back in. Jasper did too. We had no idea if Apollo was alive or dead. She was completely distraught, and her Mother was trying to take back her crown by marrying her off to me.”

“You didn’t want to marry her?”

“Hell no,” he said, “she’s gorgeous, don’t get me wrong, but I was fifteen. I didn’t want an arranged marriage either. When I marry, I want it to be for love, not for politics.”

“What if you meet someone else?” I said. “Or what if another Rose James comes along, and you don’t have a choice in the matter? This is why we can’t do this right now.”

“I know,” he said, heaving a deep sigh, “I understand. But if I don’t fight for us, what am I supposed to? I don’t pine, Pen. I take what’s mine.”

“But I’m not yours, not yet,” I said, “and you’ve got to give me time to let me decide if that’s something I want.”

“I agreed, didn’t I?” his words came out terse. “If I’m over here, being honest, you should tell me something true. It’s only fair. Tit for tat, Miss Pen.”

“Alright. That’s fair.”

“Why are you still with Jasper? Just because he saw you first?”

“I feel safe when I’m with him,” I answered, “I haven’t felt safe in a long time.”

“I could make you feel safe,” he told me.

“You don’t make me feel safe, you make me feel like I’ve lost my balance, and I don’t know how to get back on it.”

“You wound me.” He put his hand on his chest, as though he had been shot. “I could offer you everything, you know. You want to be a best-selling author? I could make that happen. You want the moon? I could make that happen too.”

“I need to know that you love me for me,” I said, “not because of some teenage crush, or because I happen to be Jaspers. Or because I’m some trinket that you can’t get.”

“So, to convince you of this, you want me to go on a date. With Gwyneth. And you. And Jasper.”

“Yes,” I said.

“You realize that makes about as much sense as Jupiter Ascending, right?”

“I didn’t say it had to make sense. I said that I needed to feel like I wasn’t completely lost in your world, and that would make me feel like I wasn’t completely lost in your world.”

“You know what would make you feel like you weren’t lost in my world?”

“What?”

“Spending time in it,” he answered.

“You want me involved in your world?” I tilted my head to the side. “What, like as a maid?”?

“As fetching as the idea is of you in a maid uniform, no. My sister has a charity fashion show coming up. Jasper and I go every year. Previously, we’d get drunk, and shag models. But you and Audrey can both come. Gwyneth is already on the guest list. It will give you a taste of everything.”

“I wouldn’t have anything to wear,” I mumbled.

“I’ll take care of that.”

“Cadoc,” I said sharply, “you’re not using this as an excuse to try to buy me.”

“Just trust me, alright?” he said. “You’ll have fun, I swear, and if by the end of the evening you hate everything about it then...I’ll piss off, and never bother you again.”

“Well,” I said, “okay. But I can’t just get swept up in your world. You’ve got to know mine, too.”

He leaned forward, getting dangerously close to my face and not caring. I knew that if someone caught us, the pictures would look compromising. I wanted them to. I wanted them to catch us, kissing fiercely on the balcony, for the world to know that this was wonderful boy had my heart.

“I want to know everything about you,” he told me, licking his lips, “so do your worst, Shakespeare.”

I blushed. “Alright, if you wish. I’m going home during winter break before our little trip on New Year’s. Come with me.”

“Okay,” he said. 

I paused. “You’re sure? You’re willing to come to middle of nowhere, Hay-on-the-wye?”

“I’m willing to do whatever it is I have to do to prove to you that I want this whole package. You. In a small town. In a big city. On a beach, in a city, in a jungle, in a forest. I don’t care about the location, or the circumstances, just that you are there. With me.”

I hated how impossibly perfect he was. He always said the right thing. Always did the right thing. It felt foolish to even try to run. I knew what he could offer me, knew that all it would take was saying yes to him at that very moment.

But I also knew if I foolishly, impulsively said yes to him I would be forever stuck in a world that I would never get out of. Always wondering what if.

How could I possibly be with him if I didn’t even know who I was yet? I couldn’t, and the world in which he lived wouldn’t allow us to grow together the way couples were supposed to.

“What happens, exactly, at a charity fashion show?” I asked. “Aside from you apparently getting drunk and shagging models.”

“Lots of important people go,” he said, “directors, fashion editors, celebrities. Anyone you could possibly want to meet is there. If you want to be a writer, this is the place to meet your connections.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t get to be a writer by connections. You get to be a writer by honing your craft, by submitting your work everywhere, getting a million rejections until finally, finally, you get someone who says yes.”

“If you want to take the long way around,” he said, “do you want to take the long way around?”

I paused. Hollow Hills had always been a steppingstone. The school that would get me into Oxford. That would get me my degree. That would lead to a job in a publishing house, which would lead to an agent, which would lead to getting a publisher. Of course, I had never in my wildest dreams imagined that I’d be friends with Prince Cadoc of Wales.

“I never imagined getting there the short way,” I said, “I’m not Sofia Coppola. I don’t come from a dynasty of writers or know anyone in the business.”

“Well, you know me, and I know the world,” he told me, “your wish is my command.”

“But I can’t give you anything in return.”

“Dance with me,” he said.

I glanced over my shoulder, as if afraid that someone would see. “We can’t even hear the music.”

“It’s not about the music. It’s about the moment.” He held out his hand. It was like being offered magic, and knowing all the fantastical, terrible things you could do with it if you really wanted to. Or passing it up, and never getting to see them.

I took his hand.

He pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me, and we swayed on the balcony without a care in the world. I had no idea what happened with Audrey and Lennon that night. All I could think of was swaying with the boy who was helplessly in love with me on the balcony.

I wanted to scream that I loved him too. That we were going to be together, forever, and remake the world as our own. But to do so was to take away my whole world. So, I said nothing, and I just swayed with him in the silence.

It was the best moment of my life.

It was also the worst moment of my life.

How did people survive being in love, and not being able to be with the person who they wanted to be with? Was it even possible? Or did their insides just slowly wither and die until there was nothing left but a rotting, lifeless thing on the ground?

It was hard enough with an almost. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like if things didn’t work out between us. I hated myself for being this way. For needing him so much yet needing nothing at all.

It was the worst catch 22. I had no idea how to end it either. Or if I would have the strength to. But being in his world for good meant leaving mine behind. And that was a whole journey I had no clue if I was ready to take or not. It wasn’t as if I could pack my things and go if I decided I didn’t want to be part of it.

Once I jumped into his world, I was in it for good. Everything else was obsolete. Freedom would become a myth. There would just be me by his side. A shadow of a girl once named Penelope Peters, remade into something foreign, unknown.