To Endure A Little More

EIGHTEEN

*Aelia's Point Of View* 

Eyes wandering out the thick, clear glass, I felt tipsy. Was it the fault of excess caffeine in my system? I wondered in the back of my head but I worried less. My eyes were rather amazed by the rain. The way it worked in prism as the sun's rays bolted through the rain droplets and reflected out colors in a span of mere milliseconds and yet, managed to catch me mesmerised.

Vivienne tapped me on my shoulder to get a hold over my curiosity. She twirled around on her BT21 themed slippers to present me her look in her brand new dress, stumbling on her way as she loses her balance. Regardless of the urge to help her on her feet in me, a good laugh left me as Vivienne's butt met the velvet carpeted floor and she threw me an octopus face.

It wasn't long before she joined me with peals of laughter but we were cut in on by the knuckle knock on her bedroom door. Vivienne picks herself up and scurries to open the door only to be greeted by her mother in formal clothing. A questioning look makes its way up on her face as her mother gave her a glare in the eye and we knew the reason was because of the arrival of sudden guests. Vivienne groans in a nagging tone but nevertheless, she follows her mother out of her room, leaving me all by myself. We were at Vivienne's house which wasn't very far from the academy, to have me help her decide the perfect attire for the ball being held at the Peterson family's residence on the occasion of the birthday of Jeremy Peterson's father. Vivienne's family too was invited to the fancy party since they were friend's of the Petersons and  Vivienne Bertha's hand was promised to Thiago Peterson for marriage.

I grabbed my phone to stay entertained by the time Vivienne would be back. But followingly in the very moment, my phone slips out of my grasp as I try to lay a little back on the comfortable couch. I don't know if it was caused by the misfortunes or was it by pure accident that Luan Aldrin's picture pops up on my screen through my gallery as I picked my phone up. My eyes locked with his through the screen and the same old feelings of the butterflies fluttering inside me as chills ran down my spine met my body but only for my heart ache again at seeing him. 

"Why do I still have his pictures?"  I wondered. I knew exactly why...

As I observe him in the photo, I notice how much he has changed; although my feelings for him never did. Maybe what has happened to us was for the bad or better but what it has turned us to become seems like it was only for the worst. Because only now when I was finally ready to let go and heal, his memories has returned to try stop me on my way, after all the wrongs that have been done and all the damage that has been made; and now I do not know what to do about it. This whole time, I had been craving an answer to why does my heart beat so much and so hard for a man who doesn't even remember me anymore. But now I wonder, was it my aching heart that shook him back to reality? 

A laugh escapes me, ending with a frown. I believed I'd gotten over him but it must have been only for failure to rub at my face again. I knew I could never just wake up one day to realise I'd only been dreaming. But truth be accepted, I must be the one at fault for my childish wish has been granted. I wanted to live one Hell and Heaven of a love story and so here I am, living one Hell and Heaven of a love story. A love that shot at my heart with butterflies but pierced through like dragons. 

I wasn't aware of the tears that were slipping out of eyes, down my cheeks till I felt the droplets wet my phone screen. Sobs start to leave me in realisation that I was breaking down again for the very man I've been like this for years; I've lost count on. I couldn't anymore, I didn't want to anymore... but the more I did as time made its way by.

He is toxic for me... yet he heals me. And breaks me again. I want out.

"He hurts me so much and I cannot even blame him."

"Don't let him hurt you..."

My head shot up to meet Vivienne's eyes and my hands immediately reached up to wipe my face clean of tears. She came closer, her face soft with condolences as she sat next to me.

"Moon, mm?" She sighed, her voice breaking as she grew sensitive, looking like she was hurting on my stead, for me. But I was rather filled with more pain as I realised I was still keeping her from knowing that it was Luan whom I held my story with. All this time I couldn't bring myself up to admit and accept, moreover when nobody other than Terran knew my true past in this future and Luan himself had lost his memories of me. And so I did share my story with her and my true past but for a change, introduced Luan as moon instead.

"Don't let the fact he doesn't remember you be your weakness, Aelia. Let it be your strength." She hugged me and embraced  me with her comfort. "Because the fact that you're in love with someone who doesn't know you and yet you love that person so deeply despite the pain he brings you, it shows how much love you are capable of and love is the strongest power one can have in themself. Not many are capable of love... in fact, the rarest and strongest only are capable of loving someone truly and deeply despite having a thousand reasons on why they shouldn't love the person they do.. But you see, you are one of them. One of the rarest and one of strongest out of billions.. you are capable of so much love and that makes you so unique and strong."

Tears left me unceasingly at her words. As much her words hit me with strength inside that I needed right now, I felt the urge in me to give up overwhelm me. "Thank you so much, Vivienne... but he is my weakness that I can't deny. And wanting to be strong, I have tried so much to forget him too and move on but I keep getting dragged back to him." 

Vivienne opens her mouth to speak again which I knew was to comfort me but I stop her, not wanting her to waste her strength on someone who is as weak as me. "His memories have returned."

"What? " Vivienne gasps but her eyes light up with hope instead. "Isn't that a good thing then?"  I pushed up a smile at her, wishing it were a good thing.

"He remembers the past, Vivienne. And along with all the unbearable pain that past holds, he has now realised that Terran and I left him when he needed us to stay. Maybe we thought we were protecting him but guess we didn't realise that we only added more to his pain..." Suddenly my body gives out and i fall further on my knees. "I feel so weak. I don't know how I've survived so long and I don't know much longer I can take. I want out."

"You feel weak is because you believe you're weak... change your thinking." A tear left Vivienne as she closes her eyes and huffs out her words through gritted teeth, trying to be strong for me on my stead which was visible. She could never see me in pain but I didn't know how to prevent myself from being affected with pain. Although I knew it was my fault I was hurting.

"Do you remember when Jeon Jungkook once wrote to us on Weverse back in the days about him falling sick but he was only posting about it after he recovered?" I nodded my head yes, paying attention to her words as she suddenly changes the topic.

"Do you remember what he said back then? How he recovered? he said that when he fell sick, he believed he was okay and continued living his everyday life even with overloaded pressure and work nevertheless. And before he even knew, he was actually okay without feeling weak anymore. I believe it was because he learnt to control his feelings instead of being under his feeling's controls. And it is true. So, I'll repeat again. Stop thinking you're weak. You know how miserable you've made yourself because you believe you are for years. Please..."

I knew where she was coming from, yet I couldn't register or accept. It was as if I didn't want to be strong... I felt as if I'd rather choose death than to hold on in vain a little longer.

It felt funny how I was laughing a few minutes ago but as soon as he invaded my mind, i am breaking down in tears. Was it because I still loved him?  Maybe...not...only. It's been years, if I really wanted him I'd put enough effort to get to him and at least look him in the eye. Or maybe I'd already accepted that I can't have him. That's what hurt me. I felt Vivienne's thumb wipe my tears away and I smiled at her, receiving one back. I got into her embrace, hugging her tight for being there for me on my worsts. I wanted to thank her and I wanted to apologise to her...but I didn't. I didn't know how to because I knew I'd continue being like this because I have been so since it started, no matter how many times I've tried to change. But she tried and did much for me in the absence of everyone else. That was something I loved her more for.

"Come on, let's get over this and dress up for the party." I smiled, trying to change and lighten the mood. I pick us both us up from the floor that was now wet due to our tears and wipe the last of our tears away before I drag Vivienne with me, away from my pain into doing anything that can help us feel better.