The Lifetimes I Remembered

Chapter Three: Hannah

January 9, 2017

Entry #9

Nothing’s changed today. I still wake up screaming because of the nightmares.

Well, I guess it’s safer to say that they’re not actually nightmares.

Rather, they are my memories of my previous lives.

I tried to search for people who are probably experiencing the same thing but no one was even close to my situation. I tried to search for it online until I stumbled upon a word that had haunted me since I’ve read it.

Reincarnation.

I never thought that it would be possible but here I am, aware of thoughts and memories and even names that the previous version of me had and had met. It’s seriously freaking me out but I can never share it with anyone.

They might think I’ve gone crazy.

Admittedly, I think I am going crazy.

I keep dreaming of him too. The guy with the ocean eyes. I know his name, well, I knew of his name in a previous life. He used to be Sean and he used to be Adam and before that, he was named Christopher.

And the thing is, he’s the only constant person in my dreams/memories. It’s just his name that kept on changing but it was still him. The same guy with black hair and ocean eyes that I end up falling in love with.

Nothing’s clear but that.

I always end up falling in love with him.

And when I do, bad things tend to happen.

People die.

Which means, loving him was fatal.

~ Hannah

Hannah closed the black notebook that she had been writing in since she got out of the hospital. It used to belong to Mitch. Before her Mom had decided to give all of Mitch’s things to charity, Hannah had sneaked into her brother’s room and have something of his that she could keep. She found the black notebook he used to write his songs in.

She read his songs and they were amazing compositions but he will never have the opportunity to sing them to anyone. And that was her fault. At least, she thinks it is. So does Dominic.

The middle child of the Pearce family had never looked at his youngest sibling the same way since their brother died. Dominic had grown cold and detached to her. They never had the type of relationship she had had with Mitch, but at least they talked and teased each other. This time, Dom couldn’t even look at her.

Maybe she deserved it.

If she didn’t leave the house that day to drive Jake home then Mitch would still be alive to write more songs and have the chance to sing them. But she didn’t imagine that Jake would try to rape her and that they’d get into an accident with a drunk driver.

What’s worse? The drunk driver was Jake and he lived.

The asshole lived.

The knock on her door jolted her to the present. Her Mom popped her head into her room with a tired smile. “I’m home, sweetheart.”

Hannah tried to smile back at her. She felt a pang in her heart to know that she just robbed this woman of her son. “You could’ve just headed straight to bed, Mom.”

Mom shrugged and entered her room, sitting on the mattress that Hannah slept in and looked around her daughter’s room. “You should’ve allowed me to buy you an actual bed, sweetie.”

On the holiday break, their family decided to move to a different city and into a much nicer town. Actually, the town looked exactly like the previous one they lived in except that they were new there. No one knew that the daughter was almost raped and that the drunk driver that killed the eldest son was the alleged rapist. Only they knew their story.

In this town, they were allowed to create a new life.

They were allowed to forget about what happened.

But it was too hard to forget.

She could never forget Mitch.

“I’m comfortable with just the mattress, Mom,” Hannah assured her. She didn’t want a bed because she was restless because of the memories. She tossed and turned and one time, she ended up falling from her bed and splitting her lip. Just a mattress on the floor lessened her chances of injuries.

“Well, anyways, I wanted to wish you luck on your first day.” Mom said, smiling at her with tired eyes.“I hope you allow yourself to enjoy your last year, Hannah. Despite everything that happened. Your brother would want you to.”

“I promise.”

She couldn’t.

Blue Valley High didn’t look much different from her previous school. Everyone seemed to have fit in their own group and didn’t seem to give much attention to the new girl. Hannah managed to find the school’s registrar office without help from anyone.

Inside the office, a girl looking like she just randomly put on clothes was sitting in a corner. Hannah ignored her and headed to the secretary. “Hi. I’m Hannah Pearce, I’m new here.”

The secretary glanced at her and then back at her computer. “You’re schedule is with Hazel. She’s assigned to tour you around the school. Here’s your locker passcode. You will find all the books you need in there.”

“Who?”

“That would be me.” The girl with the silly clothes stood up, smiling brightly at Hannah. Her black hair was braided to the side and she wore a yellow sundress with orange boots and a green cardigan.

Hannah decided that she’d be staying low-key for the rest of the school year to avoid trouble but she desperately wanted to call out the girl’s poor fashion choice. “Hi. Hannah.”

“Hi, I’m Hazel Ramirez!” She introduced herself, extending her hand for Hannah to shake. “Welcome to Blue Valley High! You have homeroom with Mr. Marquez and the free period right after. Our schedule’s almost the same except for the periods before lunch.”

Hazel was so animated when she talked that Hannah had a hard time following through with her. They headed out of the office and into the hallway. “Your locker’s close to mine too! Isn’t that great?”

“Uhh, yea,” Hannah mumbled once they reached her locker, number 119. Hannah turned to Hazel who seemed to be waiting patiently beside her. “Are you gonna follow me around?”

“Well, I am supposed to tour you around the school.”

“You don’t have to. I think I can manage on my own.” Hannah answered cautiously. Why was this girl refusing to leave her side? “I’m sure you have a lot of other things to attend to.”

“As head of the welcoming committee, I have to make sure that you know your way around BVH and that you know your way around the school campus,” Hazel said brightly.

Hannah’s eyebrows rose. She knew people like Hazel. She has met people like Hazel. She wanted to call her out on what she was doing but decided that it wasn’t worth it. If she was to survive the remaining months of her senior year, it was better to shut up and seclude herself. Talking might reveal everything.

Hannah let Hazel talk as they walked around the campus. They had a pass to miss the first period; how Hazel managed to do that, Hannah didn’t bother to ask. She wasn’t even listening to her ‘tour guide’. She walked with her head down, counting her steps to silence her mind, to make sure that no memory would freeze her on the spot.

“Ivan!” Hazel suddenly said.

Hannah stopped counting. When she looked up, she was met by ocean blue eyes.

Eyes that looked eerily familiar.

Eyes she remembered.

“This is our new student, Hannah Pearce.” Hazel pulled her so that she was within view of the guy. “Hannah, this is Ivan Daniels. He used to be quarterback but well, ever since the accident-,”

“Hazel!” Ivan snapped, shutting up Hazel. When Hannah looked at him, he wasn’t even looking at Hazel but at her. “I don’t think she needs to know that.”

“Well, you and I both know that she evidently will with the rumor mill here in school,” Hazel stated with a shrug. “Anyways, he’s the son of the sheriff in town and he happens to be my brother.”

“Hazel!” Ivan hissed, finally turning to the shorter girl with narrowed eyes. “Stop telling everyone I’m your brother. It’s only in papers, never in blood.”

Ivan shouldered past the two of them. Hannah turned to Hazel and for a brief moment, saw the hurt flash in her eyes that she quickly masked with a bright smile. “Don’t mind him, he’s such a grouchy-pants. C’mon, I’ll show you the gym.”

But all Hannah wanted to do was chase after Ivan.

To make sure that it wasn’t him.

It couldn’t be him.

The rest of the day at school was uneventful. Somehow, even in a different city and town, high school was still high school, no differences whatsoever. By the end of the day, Hannah had homework with every class she had. For a moment, she actually thought that BVH would lessen on the workload. They were actually just worse.

“Hannah!”

She groaned when she saw Hazel running to her. She was a flurry of green, yellow and orange. “What are you up to?”

Hannah pulled on her backpack on her back and shrugged. “I saw a ‘help wanted’ sign yesterday at the café near the school. I need an after school job.”

She really did. When Mitch was alive, she was allowed to have her social life and be the pampered princess while her oldest brother worked two jobs every day and Dom part-timed as a bartender. Now that Mitch was gone, Dominic had to sacrifice his college and dreams to help their Mom with the bills and rent and he had no intention of not letting Hannah help.

“Well, then you’re hired,” Hazel said brightly and Hannah looked at her with confusion. The girl merely shrugged. “My Mom owns the café. C’mon.”

Hazel grabbed her hand and the two girls ran at the café near the school. It was packed with students and the college kids near the high school. Just as they were about to enter the café, Hannah stopped and stared.

Because there he was, manning the counter.

For a moment, everything started to spin. The crowd blurred into wheel colors until it was only Ivan left in a darker room, manning a different counter and instead of frappes, pouring a glass of alcohol for men. He suddenly looked up and his ocean eyes brightened with what he saw.

“Baby!” He hollered and all men turned around to face her. She blushed as she made her way to her man. “Have you been waiting long?”

She pouted at him. “You’re not done yet?”

“Almost.” He answered and then suddenly pulled her arm, pulling her closer to him even when a counter separated them. “Will you marry me?”

She laughed at the question, as well as the other guys. He always asked her that every single day. “You know I can’t at the moment, love.”

He chuckled and kissed her cheek, before turning back to the guys. She watched her from where she stood, staring at the unkempt black hair that she loved running her hands through. Suddenly, he looked up and she locked her eyes with his ocean ones, eyes that always reminded her of the freedom that she craved; freedom, that every time they were in each other’s arms, she had.

“You gotta stop staring at me like that, baby.” He said grinning brightly at her. “I’ll melt like a puddle at any moment.”

She could hear the cheers and laughter of the men around them. It was a usual show when he had his shift. Those men loved seeing the two of them together just as much as they loved being with each other. If only her parents shared the same view. If only her parents would allow her to marry the man her heart belonged to. If only they stopped wishing for a different man to hold her heart.

She smiled back at him and reached to touch his face. “I love you, Ivan.”

And just like that, like a string suddenly snapping, Hannah was back at the café.

Ivan.

It was him.

He who used to be Sean, Adam, and Christopher in previous lives.

He who was also named Ivan in 1987.

Hannah looked at the guy with an apron tied around his hips. The guy with the ocean eyes that she had been dreaming of even before her brother died.

It was him.

And at all cost, she had to make sure that she stayed away.

She had to guard her heart.

For the sake of everyone.