If I Could Love You Again

The First Step

“Hey, Mom…” Garrett began after he knocked then entered his mother’s office. His eyes swept around, and nostalgia formed instantly at the sight and smell of his mother’s safe space.

It used to be the master bedroom, but Mom had removed the big bed she used to share with his dad and switched her office into it, so she had plenty of space to work on new designs on the long project table she had set up, with still more room for paperwork and online projects. His mom had definitely become a workaholic, to keep her mind busy as well as her children fed and cared for, and now he was wise enough to see it.

She glanced up and pulled her earphones out to look at him. “Did you need something, Garrett?”

“Do we have a sleeping bag or mattress still, from when we used to go camping?”

She frowned, clearly perplexed at the question. “I suppose we do, in the attic. I didn’t toss any of that stuff, in case you or your sister wanted to go some summer. Why?”

“Oh, Taylor’s just staying over, but, you know, we’re kinda getting too old to share one bed, right?” Garrett said as casually as he could, rolling back on his heels as he looked anywhere but at his mother. “So, thanks, I’ll go take a look.”

He swung in a hurry to leave the room, trying not to look embarrassed, but then paused, realizing he had nearly forgotten the next big step he was going to take. Breathing in a quick, fortifying breath, he slowly turned back.

His mother was still watching him, her earbuds in her hands, her eyebrows lifting in silent question.

“Nearly forgot…” Garrett said slowly, as he tentatively approached his mother and bent down, trying to ignore it as her eyes widened, and hesitantly kissed her on the cheek. “G-Goodnight, Mom, love you,” he ended on a whisper.

Then he turned and rushed out of the room, careful to close the door softly on his way out.

I did it.

Pausing to breathe in shakily, his hand still on the door, Garrett nodded to himself. He didn’t know how his mother would have taken that, but he thought it was long, long overdue.

He couldn’t even remember when he’d stopped saying goodnight to his mother before bed… But no matter what, he would start again.

When his dad had died and Garrett had watched his mother close up and barely shed a tear while he and his sister and Nanna cried for months, he’d foolishly thought that losing a husband to her wasn’t the same as losing a father to him.

But during the couple of weeks he’d mourned for Taylor, he’d had a lot of time to think about her, too, and his dad’s death. And how she had truly suffered underneath all that hard steel she’d enclosed herself in to keep going.

He’d done her so much wrong over the years because of that misunderstanding… and he ached to think of it now.

He’d stupidly left their home expecting her to be relieved he was gone, only to find out how much she’d looked after him without saying a word about it. But by then, he’d had no idea how to reconnect, not after shutting her out for so long.

Now, he had the opportunity. And he didn’t plan to waste it.

He paused in front of his sister’s door with that thought in mind, giving another deep breath.

After he’d moved out to the city, his sister had surprised him by calling him every holiday and every birthday. They hadn’t really had much to say to each other, and the call always ended only a few minutes after it had started… but it had made him realize that Lily, no matter her tormenting, bickering, complaining, she wanted him as part of her life. And now he could give her that long before she, too, grew up to feel alone.

He shuddered, knocked, and then walked in.

“Hey, what’re you doing? Get out of my room,” Lily said from her bed as he approached, hiding a book under her covers like it was somehow a bad thing to be reading. “Why’d you even knock if you—”

Garrett didn’t wait and just gave her a hug from where he was next to the bed.

“Hey! Get off—"

“Goodnight, Lilypad, love you,” he said gently, and then stood straight, turned and walked back out of the room.

“What are you even—” she began, but then stopped as he continued moving out of her room and down the hall because, frankly, he was a bit too self-conscious right now to want to face her condemnation quite yet.

“Garrett!” She called, frustration clear in her voice, and for some reason he stopped, his face red as he glanced back to see her standing in her pajamas in her doorway.

“Yep?” he responded, trying to act cool as his heart thumped.

Lily looked down and away. “Goodnight… Carrot.”

Garrett’s heart flopped, and he blinked back his emotions as he grinned and nodded back at her. “Goodnight.”

---

When Garrett returned with his not too dusty sleeping bag from the attic, he was riding a high.

Which was perhaps why coming in to see Taylor sitting on Garrett’s bed reading a textbook in only his shirt and boxers hit Garrett so hard in the groin—heart. Trying to not go into shock as he very swiftly remembered that a shirt and boxers was once their go-to pajamas outfit, Garrett looked anywhere but at Taylor as he spread out the sleeping bag on the rug next to his bed and bit the inside of his mouth hard enough to taste blood, and distract him.

“What is that?” Taylor asked, amusement clear in his voice as he watched Garrett pull off one of the pillows on the bed and plop it down at the top of the sleeping bag.

“Well, since we’re too big to both be on the bed, I just—”

“What? But there’s plenty of space,” Taylor said, punctuating his point by sliding over to give Garrett room to sit down.

“Yeah, but, you know, I snore and punch now, so, it’d be dangerous,” Garrett hedged. So very dangerous. He pulled out his math textbook and sat on the sleeping bag, deliberately facing slightly away from Taylor without it being too obvious.

Taylor let out a snort. “Yeah, since when? You’ve always slept like the dead when I was over before. And I’m pretty sure I could handle your punch. And I’d just punch you back,” Taylor teased from behind him.

“Okay, I wasn’t going to say anything,” Garrett began, hoping his blush didn’t show from behind, “But you snore and punch and I don’t want to be punched anymore.” I’m sorry for the white lie but—

“Fine, then tie me up and no one gets hurt. I don’t want either of us to have to sleep on the floor.”

Why does he have all the answers? And don’t you dare start imagining—I said stop it, brain!

“I can’t tie you up, Taylor.”

“Why not?” Taylor still sounded amused behind him and Garrett just wished he would let it go without all these questions. Wasn’t it polite just to go along with the host?

“I… don’t have anything to tie you up with.” Okay, that was a stupid excuse because—

“You’ve got a couple ties in the closet, don’t you?” –Because now look what you’ve done.

Garrett finally looked Taylor’s way. “You really want to sleep with me so much you’d be okay with being tied up?”

Taylor opened his mouth to say something, but then paused and blinked. “Uhh—”

Mortification caused Garrett to turn bright red as he nearly fell over in his hurry to spin with his hands up to halt Taylor from saying anything more. “Let me rephrase that! Sleep in the bed with me. Next to—Beside—In the same bed as—”

“So, what did you want to study today?” Taylor said quickly, his eyes dropping down to the book on his lap, a slightly higher-pitched tone in his voice as he started flipping pages.

Garrett leapt on the change of topic with lightning speed. “Math! Or Chemistry! Either of those, I really need to work on them,” He turned back to the book that had fallen onto the floor in his scramble and brought it back to his lap, flipping pages furiously himself. “I’ve basically forgotten all the formulae and I need to restudy it all from scratch.”

He could feel Taylor’s eyes on his back, and he tried to keep cool. “Seriously?” Taylor said, disbelief in his voice.

Garrett shrugged, embarrassed but relieved at this safer topic, as he turned to the first chapter in his book. “Yeah, kinda.”

“Well, that’s not going to take us just one night.”

“Nope,” Garrett said automatically, then paused, his eyes widening on the book in his lap. Did he just say ‘us’? Garrett looked around at Taylor, but Taylor’s gaze was back on his book, eyes scanning the page in the momentary silence. Garrett gulped as quietly as possible as he asked, “You… are going to study it with me?”

Taylor looked up with a quirk of an eyebrow. “Don’t I always? You are horrendous at Math.”

“And… are you going to…” Wait, no, that doesn’t mean he’s going to sleep over every night! What are you thinking??

Taylor’s eyes dropped to his textbook again and he continued flipping. “Yeah, I might as well stay over until it’s done. We can get so much more done that way. Our midterms are in two weeks.”

“Two wee—!” Garrett barely managed to hold back his shriek. “Right, let’s get on that!”

Standing to go collect his notebook and a pencil, his mind was whirling.

If he studied until he was too exhausted to stay awake, everything would be fine, right? He could pass his exams and not go mad sleeping next to the one person he’d finally succumbed to fantasizing about after he left high school behind.

Well, that had really bitten him in the a** now, hadn’t it?

He glanced back at Taylor as Garrett’s hands went to the snap of his jeans, but thankfully Taylor seemed to be focused on the textbook in full now, his brow furrowing like it always did when he was concentrating.

Garrett looked down again and breathed in as deeply but as quietly as he could manage.

They’re just like shorts, it’s no big deal. So what if he sees me? He doesn’t care. I don’t care. I’m just wearing pajamas that are shorts. I’m not a creep imagining his eyes on me. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. Daisies and sunsets and puppies and the ocean…

Garrett whipped his pants off, grabbed his school stuff, and got into the sleeping bag in a matter of seconds, propping himself up against the end table with his pillow and ignoring Taylor glancing over at him as he reopened his textbook for the third time.

Now… Chapter One.

---

Garrett couldn't believe how well he'd slept last night. He'd barely been able to concentrate with Taylor so close, but he’d kept at studying for so long that at some point he must have went out cold, high school crush or no.

I can’t believe that actually worked!

That was such a great relief. Maybe they could have sleepovers and he'd be able to keep his cool.

He rose from his bed, feeling hopeful. And then stopped when a realization belatedly dawned on him.

Garrett was in the ­bed… and Taylor was in the sleeping bag on the floor.

“What the..?”

Garrett didn’t have time to question it further because Taylor’s eyes opened, and his friend stared blearily up at him. “Wassup?” Taylor asked, his words slurred with sleepiness.

Garrett turned towards the door. Damn, he’s too cute. Then forced himself to turn back. “Why are you on the floor?”

Taylor yawned, stretching the shirt over his muscles as he stretched his arms and shoulders out wide—not that Garrett was watching—and said breezily, “I told you I didn’t want you on the floor.”

“Did you seriously pick me up in my sleep and put me in the bed?”

Taylor rose out of the sleeping bag and Garrett kept his eyes firmly on Taylor’s face. “Yep.”

“Dude.”

“Bro-man.”

Garrett snorted a laugh despite himself. “A**hole.”

Taylor’s eyebrows lifted as he smiled. “You really have started swearing.”

“Why are you making a big deal of that? F*ck.”

Taylor’s gaze immediately slanted away. “I don’t know. Anyway, hungry yet?”

“Yeah, got any requests?”

“Whatever you make will be awesome, Chef.”