Gone and Reborn

PILLS

-I need to sleep- Jo stated pleadingly as she sat at Eric´s office- Please help me, it´s getting worse, give me something! I just need a few good nights.

-Jo- the therapist sighed, looking intently at her- I´m not so sure if sleeping medication is the right answer for you, it could be dangerous in your current state of mind.

-Please Eric! I just need a couple of dreamless nights. I´ve been keeping my end of the deal here. I haven´t missed one single appointment, I come here, I talk to you, I open my heart… I´m f*****g trying! Just throw me a rope here, cause I need some help swimming upstream.

He stared at her silently and took a deep breath in.

-Ok Jo, I´ll prescribe you a light dose of Ambien, make sure you keep your routines and schedules in check. Don´t take more than the indicated dosage and have in mind we´re trying this only as a temporary solution, ok?

-Thanks doc!- Jo cheered with relief as he scribbled on his notepad- Thank you so much!

That night Jo sat on her bed, tucked in her fluffy pajamas and ready for a good night of sleep, she stared at the salmon pill in her hand and swiftly put it in her mouth, swallowing it.

Soon, she started to drift off, feeling pleasantly surprised when she woke up from a sweet unconscious state the next morning and she was delighted.

But that would only last for a couple of months before her nightmares started slowly coming back, not with their full force, but still, they managed to keep her on edge.

So she started taking more pills. And it worked, for a while. Until one day it didn´t.

One night, one of her most feared terrors made its appearance and sent her spiraling down again.

She was standing in the waiting room of the hospital once more, staring down at her bloodied palms and trying to wrap her mind around the fact that she would never hear her mother´s laughter again, that she would never complain about her father´s nonexistent golfing skills anymore.

A police officer sat silently beside her while she counted backwards from ten thousand to zero in an attempt to calm her trembling limbs.

The blurry image of a doctor appeared suddenly a few feet away from her face. His voice´s sound fading in the background noises as he signaled for her to follow him.

She was led to a big, cold hall, the strong smell of a chemical substance lingering in the air along with other equally indiscernible stenches.

Before she could even register what was exactly going on there and why the hell was she standing before a large wall of metallic drawers. This random guy pulled two of them open, yanking out a couple of racks.

She stood there dumbfounded, looking shocked at what was being displayed in front of her for a whole minute before her paralyzed limbs jolted in horror and she started yelling her throat raw in terror at the horrific sight, her panicked shrieks echoing all through the halls and making her shoot up in her bed, screaming and crying just like many other times before.

The image of her father´s severed head forever engraved in her mind, her mother´s bloodied figure haunting her for eons on end.

Ally barged into her room a moment later with her hair all matted around her head and her puffy eyes widened in full alert. She hurried to jump beside her and start comforting her.

-Shhh, it´s ok hun, it´s ok- she chanted reassuringly, rubbing her back- It was just a bad dream, you´re ok.

-You know what the worst part is, Ally?- Jo replied, sobbing bitterly- The fact that it was really NOT just a nightmare, this happened to me in real life! I´ll never get the comfort or the relief of waking up and blissfully realizing it was nothing but a bad dream, because it wasn´t… And I´m doomed to relive it over and over.

-I know, I´m so sorry- Ally replied kissing her forehead and hugging her closer- Come here, let´s make you some tea.

She´d managed to go back to sleep a few hours later, holding tightly to Ally´s frame, but the damage was done and by the morning she was afraid that nothing would ever help her out of her miserable endless cycle ever again.

When she gathered the courage to get out of her bed, she forced some food down her throat and sat heavily on the living´s room couch.

Ally had gone to work early in the morning, so she limited herself to stare at the TV, killing the hours until she realized it was starting to get dark.

Jo stood up and turned the lights on, then walked to the kitchen and downed a six pack of beers. She was finishing her last bottle by the time Ally got back home.

And ten minutes later, Saul had texted her asking her if she wanted to drop by his place. She´d accepted his offer immediately, hoping that seeing him would calm her down.

But barely twenty minutes after she´d arrived to his loft, he´d received and urgent call from a contractor and he had to run back to work.

-I´ll make it quick, Sugar… I promise- he´d assured her, kissing her lips on his way out- I´ll be back before you know it. You look tired, why don´t you get yourself comfortable and take a nap while I´m gone.

She laughed internally at the thought. In truth, she was terrified of sleeping ever again. But she also craved it so much. So she sat at the couch, her eyes gawking aimlessly at the wall for an hour before reaching for her purse and grabbing the bottle of pills.

After staring at it with uncertainty, she finally popped it open and poured a bunch directly into her mouth, then she walked to the kitchen and chugged on a bottle of vodka for a while.

When she was done, she wobbled back to the couch and plopped down on it, hoping to get some rest at last. But instead, she just laid there unable to move, engulfed in an exasperating drowsiness until a while later she heard the elevator´s door ding open.

That´s how Saul found her, babbling nonsense and sprawled on the couch, slurring on her words.

His eyes darted to the bottle of pills clutched in her hand and panic rose up his chest as he tried to awaken her from her slumber state.

He snatched the container away from her weak hand and waved it in front of her face, his voice shaking with a dreadful tone.

-Sugar…- he asked, his trembling hands holding her by the shoulders- How many of these did you take?

Jo never replied to his question, she just gave him a silly smile. So he picked her up and rushed to the elevator, holding her loose body in his arms and praying for the lift to go faster.

-I just wanted to sleep- Jo muttered as he dropped her on the passenger´s seat and started driving like a maniac to the nearest hospital.

They ended pumping her stomach while Saul sat helplessly at the waiting room. When the doctor finally explained what a close call it had been… He felt lost, he felt furious and he felt worried sick.

-You can´t keep going down this road- Saul told her when they finally let him see her- I won´t let you kill yourself! Not on my watch. Understood?

-Yup, I´m sorry- Jo whispered- I´ll try harder. Just please don´t tell anyone about it just yet, I´m still too ashamed.

-Fair enough- he replied, crossing his tattooed arms over his chest- But you´re going to therapy first thing tomorrow.

Jo sat in Eric´s office the next afternoon, staring at his disappointed expression and feeling like crap.

-I know you warned me about this- Jo started saying with an apologetic look on her face- And I´m sorry I betrayed your trust.

-Thanks for acknowledging your mistake, Jo- He nodded at her- Apology accepted.

-So, you´re not giving me any more pills, right?- She asked after a moment of silence.

He shook his head sadly at her and she sighed with a resigned gesture.

-No Jo, I´m not giving you any more pills, but I think it is time we tried a different approach and I´m hoping this will finally help you out… Are you familiar with hypnotherapy?