Gone and Reborn

REGRETS

There she was again. Standing at the entrance of her old house and waving her parents goodbye. Both of them dressed up to the nines for the opera.

She was supposed to be joining them, but her period was making her feel like s**t and in the end she´d decided she just wanted to curl down the couch with a blanket on her lap and a cup of cocoa in her hand while she surfed aimlessly through channels.

Her parents had kissed her cheeks as she stood in her pajamas at the edge of the driveway. Jo watched them fade into the night and she was about to go back inside her home when a memory came rushing into her mind… A really bad one.

Soon the smell of charred metal and the echo of broken glass flooded her brains, so she knew it was happening again. Maybe this time it would be different, maybe she could stop them before it was too late... Maybe she could just even join them and meet their fate. Her eyes darted for the end of the street, where she spotted the vague figure of her parents´ van.

A yell that never made it out of her mouth got caught in her throat as she started running towards the faint figure ahead but never being able to reach it. The more steps she took, the farthest the vehicle appeared. Not a sound ever leaving her strained lungs as she tried with all her might to scream, to warn them, to get to them and hug them just once more.

Tears ran down her cheeks as she willed her body to keep on pushing, incapable of uttering a single word, the anguish and pain growing inside her chest and making her crazy with frustration. She gathered every ounce of strength she had left and forced herself to emit a howl. A tiny stream of sound finally breaking through the silence of the night.

Jo felt a pair of strong hands holding her by the shoulders and she was immediately ripped back to the darkness of her room, where she found Saul staring at her with a startled look in his eyes.

-Hey, are you ok?- he asked worriedly- You were screaming bloody murder in your sleep.

Jo blushed a little with shame and pushed a gulp of saliva down her throat, trying to ease the dryness of it.

-Yeah…- she started- I´m sorry you had to witness that. It is a common occurrence, so maybe next time you just shouldn´t stay the night. It would spare you the bad part.

-Hey, come here- Saul replied pulling her into a side hug and running his finger down her tear-stained cheek- Why would you ever suggest such a stupid thing?

-Well, cause my nightmares can get a little out of hand sometimes and people tend to freak out- Jo explained, reaching for her nightstand and taking a sip from a glass of water- It´s ok, really… We can still keep f*****g and all, no big deal… just please stay away from this for your own good.

He frowned and looked down at her as she had just grown a second head.

-Sugar, first of all, I´ve told you, I´m not “f*****g you”- he raised his hands, making air quotes and glaring at her- Whatever this is we have right now, I can´t wait to find out where it leads to, so I´m sticking to it. And second… they´re just nightmares, it´s not such a big deal- he scoffed- I think I can handle that.

-It´s not just the night terrors, Saul- Jo sighed sadly- I´m long gone broken. I have issues I´m trying to deal with and I don´t want anyone getting caught in the middle of the s**t show I am. My heart has been smashed to nothing and I honestly don´t think I´m a very good company right now… Cause I´m therapy material and that is a serious thing. So you better distance yourself away from this while you still can.

Saul stared at her, his eyes piercing into her soul and Jo hurried to look down the sheets and hide her sight.

-Good, I´m glad that you acknowledge the seriousness of it, I think it is a big step for you to get better- he ran his fingers distractedly through his own hair, before returning his look to her- Listen, we all have our issues, the really important thing here is that we work through them. I believe we´re all therapy material in the end… God knows I´m not in the best place either to be honest, but I´m willing to try.

He paused and pulled her chin up to keep her eyes from avoiding his gaze.

-Now… Do you wanna talk about it?- he gave her an encouraging smile- I´ve been told I´m a good listener after all. Why don´t you give me a shot.

-I don´t know if I can do that at all- Jo whispered unconvinced, then smiling shyly at him- Why don´t you start first instead?... Why you say you are not in the best place either? You seem pretty well off to me.

Saul took a deep breath and adjusted himself, looking deeply into her eyes.

-Cause I also got my heart crushed into pieces a while ago, Sugar- he said sadly- and I´m still struggling to patch it up. It is still a little torn, truth be told, but I´m working on it.

-What happened?- Jo muttered, staring curiously at him.

-Well, long story short, my ex cheated on me with my own boss and got herself pregnant- He sighed- So I had to quit and start all over, along with all my shame and anger. It´s been rough and I hadn´t been feeling much of anything for a long time after that. But the night I laid eyes on you something unlocked inside me for the first time in years… and I´m not willing to give up on that just yet. So, I´m sorry but you´re not getting rid of me that easily.

Wow- Jo breathed out- That´s harsh! I´m so sorry that happened to you.

She stole a quick glance at him and she blushed at his almost naked body, her mind flying away to the memories of his doing. Making her smile.

-Well, for what it´s worth, I don´t get how anyone could ever cheat on you, honey- she said running her fingers down his chest and making him shiver- You´re hung as a horse.

She smirked as she watched his cheeks redden and his eyes dart to the wall for a second, silence lingering between them, before he regained his cool and smiled back at her.

-Ok, now that you´ve heard my story, Sugar- he replied, massaging her back- It is your turn to tell.

Jo moved around a little uncomfortable on the bed, fixing her position and hugging her legs.

-Fair enough… - she started talking with a shaky voice, trying to fight her tears back- Well, my parents died in a car accident and I should have been in that van with them but I decided last minute that I would stay home. So now I´m stuck in an endless cycle of guilt and regrets. I can´t sleep properly, I can´t find much meaning in life whatsoever and I´ve been spiraling down lately, even deeper than before. I´m trying really hard to fight this with the help of my therapist but I´m not even sure it will work out in the end.

He remained silent for a while, just scanning her face. Then he reached for her hand and gave it a small squeeze.

-That´s some heavy stuff you´ve been put through, sweetie-pie- Saul replied, kissing her tears away- But hey! I´m here now and I promise I´ll do everything in my power to help you out… Ok?

Jo hesitated for a moment, then reached for his jaw and cupped it in her hand, smiling.

-You know? You´re sweet as a cookie, boy- she laughed, kissing his lips- and I could totally eat you now.