Gone and Reborn

PROCESS

-I can´t- Jo whispered looking down at her palms- I wouldn´t even know where to start.

Ally lit a cigarette and glared at her as she puffed out some smoke, before offering her the package. Jo reached for it absentmindedly and picked one out.

-Well, you can´t keep living like this either, Jo-she told her matter-of-factly- it´s killing you.

-What if I want it that way?-Jo scoffed bitterly-Maybe I deserve it.

-That´s bullshit and you know it hun, you have no masochistic wood in you. You´re dominant as f**k.

-Yeah you got me there, kiddo- Jo smiled, taking a long drag from her cig- I´ll give you that.

- Now, quit beating around the bush cause I´m not going anywhere, Jo- Ally replied with a serious look- You can tell me, it´s ok.

-I´ve never told anyone- Jo said, her eyes darting for the floor and welling up.

-Then tonight seems perfect for you to start- Ally reached for her hand and gave it a little squeeze-

C´mon, just give it a shot.

Jo took a deep, long breath and sighed before getting up and walking towards the kitchen.

-Ok, but I can´t be sober for this.

They sat for hours, the bottle of bourbon on the table soon emptying as Jo talked about her misery, her guilt, her fear and her numb, pathetic excuse of existence. How the emptiness had kept growing impossibly inside her day by day, little by little. And even when she´d thought it couldn´t get any bigger anymore. It just did, it just kept expanding... And it was slowly smothering her with its endless load of nothingness.

When she was done pouring her heart out in a messy turmoil of whimpering and tears. Ally held her for a long time, patting her back as she sobbed the last of her sorrows out of her chest.

-I think you need to see a therapist- Ally spoke finally after a while- You´ll need some help getting yourself out of this hole you´ve dug around you, hun.

-Can´t you just reach for my hand and pull me out of it instead?- Jo sniffled, rubbing a tear away

Ally shook her head slowly with a sad look on her face.

-I don´t think so, Jo- she replied- you´ve gone far too deep. So much I can barely see you. But I know you´re still there and we´re dragging you out...Just give yourself a little boost up and trust me on this, ok?

Jo nodded with resignation before searching for her eyes, with a question in her mind.

-Would you go with me?- she pleaded- I don´t want to be in there by myself.

-Whatever you need hun, I´ll help you find the best one tomorrow- she patted her shoulder- Now let´s go to bed. You can sleep in my room if you want to.

-Thanks- Jo mumbled- That´ll help.

The next day they drove to a very fancy part of the city and soon found the therapist´s office. It was located almost on  top of a very large and very exclusive building. Ally awing at the sight of it.

Jo parked at a free spot and turned the engine off. Her hands trembling on the wheel as she fought her fears back.

-It´s ok- Ally said, reaching for her arm- You got this, we´ll be in there together. Don´t worry.

-What if I hate him?- Jo asked, stalling a little and buying herself some time.

-Then we´ll find one you do like- Ally simply replied- But I´ve got a good feeling about this one, now cut the crap and let´s go.

Twenty minutes later they sat at the leather couch of the big, elegant office, after shaking the therapist´s hand and exchanging a brief greeting.

-Hi, I´m Eric- the young man said giving them a polite smile and taking a seat- how can I help you Jo?

-Well- Jo started with a shaky voice- My parents died a few years back… I saw the aftermath of their car wreck and now I´m completely alone in the world, I can´t sleep and I would say I have a pretty crappy life in general, so I think I need some help, cause there are some days I just want it all to be over. And that´s what scares me the most.

-Ok, first of all, I´m sorry for your loss- Eric gave her a sympathetic look- Now, that´s a lot of information to unfold and we´ll be doing it. But today, I would like to start addressing your claim that you are completely alone in the world… You say that, and yet I see someone else sitting by your side today. Would you like to take a moment and appreciate that fact? And then, wouldn´t you say that maybe you´re not as alone as you might think?

Jo frowned for a second and then smiled for a bit.

-Maybe…- she trailed off- but I still feel pretty lonely most of the time.

-And we´ll be working on that- Eric nodded- Now, would you like to talk a little more about how it is that you feel some days you just want it all to be over?

-Not really- Jo replied taking a deep breath- But I´ll try anyway…

She told him most of it, the dull state she always was in, how endless and boring her life had become.To the point it made her want to scream, tearing everything apart and then jumping off a cliff to oblivion so she could finally have some peace.

He was nice and he made it easy to talk to. So that she did… And he listened, making little to no comments at all. By the time the session was over, Jo´s cheeks were drenched in tears, but she noticed now she´d gained a very tiny silver of hope at last, and that was the best she´d had in ages.

Jo marveled at how fast the time had passed and a small smile crept to her lips, feeling a little bit lighter.

-I´ll see you next time- Eric shook her hand, while Ally pulled her up by her left arm and helped her stand- And remember... It is all about the process.

They got out and walked back to the parking lot. Jo´s eyes flinching at the sun rays that welcomed them and taking a glance around, awing at how blue the sky looked at this time of the day.

Ally walked by her side until they got to her van and they both climbed inside. Jo pulled back and started driving away in silence, lost in her thoughts.

-So…- Ally asked after a while- Did you hate it?

-Not as much as I thought- Jo whispered, keeping her eyes on the road- I guess what I hate the most is my life being so shitty all the time, so it´s fine.

-See?- Ally chuckled, clapping her hands eagerly- I told you I had a good feeling about this one!

She started doing a ridiculous attempt of a dance while still being strapped to her seat that made Jo instantly crack up at how silly she looked.

-Trust me and my gut and you´ll be just fine in no time girl!

-Yeah, thanks kiddo- Jo smiled back at her- Ok, now let me buy you lunch, cause I don´t know about yours, but my gut is going on a riot if I don´t shove some food down my throat in the next five minutes.