We Fell In Love at Dawn

The noise of the television woke me up— that news again. I stared the screen for a bit. I wasn’t listening at all, I was just observing how people still having too much concern about the world. I was about to stretch my arms. Pero sa halip na stretching ang magagawa ko, napapilipit ako sa sakit nang biglang sumakit ang dibdib ko. Napapikit ako nang mariin sa hindi maipaliwanag, na para bang tinusok bigla ng ribs ko ‘yong puso ko. I bet dahil ito sa sobrang pag-aalala kay Hans, kaibigan ko.  He’s been affected by the virus and now he’s fighting for his life. It’s been two weeks since na sa hospital siya. Hindi nga siya nakadalo ng virtual graduation namin dahil admitted na siya no’n. Lahat kaming magkakaibigan kabado at nag-aalala nang lubusan sa kanya. It’s worse to my part because he’s special to me. He’s more than just a friend to me. I haven’t confessed yet, but on the way he treated me way more special, I know we feel the same way. Hindi ko man lang siya madalaw dahil hindi ako authorized.  Dahan-dahan akong huminga nang malalim at napahawak pa sa may gilid ng dibdib ko hanggang sa maging normal na ang pakiramdam ko, at makaupo na nang diretso. Pinakiramdaman ko muna ang sarili bago tuluyang bumaba sa higaan. Pagkababa ko ng higaan, dumiretso na ako palabas ng kuwarto at nandito ang mga kapatid kong nagkukumpulan sa sala na nakaharang sa daanan. Naglalaro si Kit, ang bunso kong kapatid, at nagce-cellphone naman si Mia, sunod kong kapatid na babae. Tiningnan ko lang sila nang masama.  “Kay aga-aga nagseselpon ka na, Mia? Kumain na ba kayo? Ikaw, Kit ayusin mo ‘yang mga laruan mo pagkatapos mong maglaro, ha?” panenermon ko sa kanila.  Naglakad ako papuntang kusina. Nalagpasan ko pa si Mama na nanonood ng TV. Nilagpasan ko lang sila lahat at patuloy na bumaba papuntang kusina. Walang tao rito kaya dito muna ako nagmu-mukmok.  I gazed my eyes to the surroundings, nothing special but somehow I feel lonely. I have my family, I have few friends, I have a house to live in, and I eat three times a day. I shouldn’t complain or wish for more, right? But still I feel very lonely and missing something. Nababaliw lang siguro ako kaiisip at pag-aalala kay Hans. After doing my morning routine, I opened my laptop, go to my email account, and check some replies— hoping for a job. Sent emails: 17 Inbox: 0 I sigh for my disappointments. Finding a job nowadays is really hard. Kagabi pa ako nagbabakasakali na may tumanggap sa akin. I just graduated college last week. Grabe, ang gastos ng mga handaan last week kaya drain kami nayon. Sabi ko naman kila mama, ayos lang eh. But they insisted lalo na’t naka-received ako ng awards. “Via!” It’s my mother. “Kumain ka na ba? Tingnan mo iyong isang tupperwear diyan, ’yong ulam nasa loob,” she added. As our eyes met, I just nodded and continue to what I am doing. Habang nagpipindot ng kung ano-ano sa laptop ko ay sinabay ko naman ang pagsubo ng pagkain ko. Damn, finding a decent job is really hard! My brows creased while scrolling on my Facebook account as I read the article that catches my attention. GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS STATED THE POSSIBILITY OF THE RESPIROVIRUS DISEASE PANDEMIC WILL BE PROLONGED . . . This is so stressful, I know hindi dapat ako nagpapaapekto nang lubusan sa mga balitang ‘to. But I can’t help it. Noong wala pa ang pandemic, mahirap na nga makipagsapalaran, ngayon pa kaya? What’s even worse? Iyong kapag madapuan ka ng virus na ’to, hindi ka na lang mag-e-expect na gagaling ka pa. Kaya gano’n na lang ang pag-aalala naming kay Hans. My parents doesn’t really pressured me to find a job as soon as possible. As long as maayos lang kalagayan namin and healthy lang kami para ’di na sila mag-alala, they said it’s fine enough. Pero dagdag kaalaman lang, I’m a college graduate already. Tapos, tatambay lang? As the eldest daughter, gusto ko lang masuklian ang mga paghihirap ng magulang ko. I assured them before I graduated na susuklian ko ang mga paghihirap nila, na magiging successful at aasenso rin kami ’pag naka-graduate na ako’t makahanap ng magandang trabaho. Pero ito ako ngayon, tambay. I was so mesmerized in my thoughts until a chat popped up on my screen. It’s Catherine Chan, my best friend. Ito, buti pa itong kaibigan ko, at least she’s very talented and started to own her small business. I can’t help to compare myself to her.  I took my phone and chatted her back. She starts greeting me “Good morning” and I greeted back. Hindi na nagtagal ang mga introductions keneme niya nang kaagad siyang magpaalam sa akin, ang balitang literal na nakapanghihina sa akin. Bagay na ayaw kong marinig at ayaw kong paniwalaan. I hated to accept this, but still, I read her chat once again. Beh Via, wala na si Hans . . . sumuko na siya. Kaninang 8 A.M lang daw sabi ni Jake. Napailing na lang ako at ngumisi nang mapait. Pilit akong kumalma at nagtipa ulit sa phone ko.  “Hindi magandang biro ’yan, Cath,” reply ko sa kanya.  Tama, prank lang to, eh. Baliw pa naman itong kaibigan ko. Nagbibiro lang siya ano, ’di ba?  “Tama ka Via, hindi magandang biro ito, kaya hindi ako nagbibiro,” she replied. Halos mabasag na siguro ang cellphone ko sa higpit nang pagkakahawak ko. No. “Cath, gusto kong pumunta ng hospital,” I replied again. My hands are trembling while typing my words. Is this really happening? Panaginip lang ’to ’di ba? “Ako rin, kaso bawal. Kanina pa ako naiyak dito hindi ako ,” she chatted back.  Later I realized, basta na lang akong nanghihina. Everything went dark. My head aches, my body laid down on the cold floor, I felt warm liquid streaming down my face, and tasted blood on my lips. Why is this happening to me? Ano ba’ng nagawa kong matinding kasalanan?