LOVER

"We can leave the Christmas lights up till January."   I rushed outside as soon as I heard the water drops from the sky. The sound that knocks the window beside the door and creeks of every roof that is made from steel and knocks for those who aren't. How I wish to feel like rain that just pour wherever it reaches its limit. It was like a flowing shattered hope and crumpled empathy that felt by a soul that whimpers and wanting chances.   "This is our place we made the call."   "Elaine?" My father approached me from behind tapping my back and giving me a cup of tea. Bringing in his left hand is a plate of cookies with his favorite newspaper.   "And there's a dazzling haze."   "Do you wanted to go?" I sighed and sipped a bit of the tea he had given. I positioned myself at the corner vertically right at the hallway of the door. Then I took a deep breath to reminisce some moments.   "A mysterious way about you dear."   "You know, Pa, there are things in life we wish to have but we can't. Things that are too precious to be given to somewhat like me." He looked at me and gave me an encouraging smile. A smile that is telling me to never stop dreaming and believing in myself because everything's going to be alright. An assurance that whatever storm I am encountering in the present will be furnished and accomplished. Just don't stop hoping.   "Have I know you 20 seconds or 20 years?"   "Dad you are being a clown!" I murmured and he chuckled at me and slurped all his coffee. "Too hot and warm." He looked at me and handed the newspaper he was reading a while ago. I was shocked when I got to see what he read. In a viral photo, a mother cat lost her kittens and it turned out that the kittens had a walk. So, the mother cat found her kitten after a week. She did found all her lovely kittens but she died due to starvation. Her hopes for finding her kittens was tremendous and immeasurable for an animal to act more human than actual humans.   "Sometimes we just wanted to be a human but we just turned out to be something else we’re not." He touched my hand and I begin to realize things in my life and journey as myself. "Life is tricking and annoying, all you have to do is to strengthen yourself and be passionate." I paused for a moment and began to weigh things.   "Can I go where you go?"   "Don't get me wrong but you're being dramatic every time it rains. You know it's so cringe" I took the last sip of the tea and stretching my hand to feel the coldness of the rain on my palm. He is right life is sometimes cold and fluid but there is always the sunshine that find its way to smoothen things up.   "Can we always be this close?"   "You know my princess. We people have the destined time to prove ourselves and feel free even for a period of milliseconds. Trust me." He gave me an adoring look then he headed inside the house. I looked at the time and it's almost dark, the breeze started to be so cold.   "Forever and ever…"   "Let's eat dinner." I've never wished for everything in life except for my father. It's always like this when I think of my mother who died giving birth to me. It's sad but I needed to be strong. Her life means so much to me and I know my father and I will never waste this opportunity of life that my mom had given to me.   "And I take me out."   I was about to turn around and decided to step in to the door when I suddenly saw two cute persons holding each other's hand. They seem very happy and… in love. A feeling that I knew that will never happen to me. Affection or any point of love is not good to me. My phobia will kill me and my illness will supplement. I've never blamed my mom for having this. Even if sometimes I thought of this but I knew very well that God won't give me these burdens if I couldn't surpass it. Things that could drag me under would not affect me because in every misery, there is a solution.   "And take you home."   I wiped the tear at my right eye who just drop out of nowhere. I don't know but every time is saw people that is so in love each other I feel so anxious about myself. The thought of my phobia is always dragging me to the abyss. It's kinda ironic why I feel that way when I shouldn't.   "You're my, my, my, my…"   I wanted love but love will also kill me.  I wanted to be cared but I can't if it wasn't my parents. I wanted to be appreciated but I'm afraid that I might fall. And disappear well no one will find me . I'm just a nobody but I don't care at all.   "Lover."   I only care on how to fight my phobia of being love and to love someone in return. Like a storm, rain may destroy things as it goes out of control. The thunder that may cause fear for everyone and the wind that blows all the agony. They are all just passersby because a rainbow is waiting at the end of each storm. Saying that we should never stop on hoping for a dream and wishing for what we wanted. Battles are created not to prove you are a winner and a looser. Instead it was made to see how strong you are and being brave on things you deserve to have.   As soon as I reached the table I was shocked to see a buffet of food and a towering cake on the table.   "Don't you forget what day is today?" He asked and smiled at me. I starts to think and I feel sad because this day, my mom died giving life to me and I feel how she loved me even if I didn't get a glimpse of her care but I always feel her in all of my entity as a person.   "It's your day!!" He exclaims happily. It's my birthday and also the day my mom died.                                                            "Honey, mom is always here and she gave me you! Always remember that, pumpkin. We love you so much that we could risk our lives just to save you." Then it hit me hard as a bullet of thousands guns pointed at me in my heart. I stood up and hugged him so tight and saying, "Thank you! Mom!! Thank you Dad."   "I guess you're becoming a kid!!" Then we laugh together feeling the joyous moments of the present.   This is Elaine and I have Philophobia.   ------ ©2020