Blood Between Us

CHAPTER 25

CIARAN was out of town, kaya naman mag-isa si Esther sa condo niya. And later, something had been off. May napapansin siya sa sarili niya na kakaiba. At first, akala niya stress lang dahil sa kulang ang tulog, lungkot at pressure tungkol sa mga nangyayari sa kaniyang paligid.

But the signs kept piling up, which made Esther start to feel weird.

Bigla na lang siyang nagsuka nang maamoy niyang nag-iba ng pabango si Ciaran at ginamit nito ang pabango ni Lucien. Then one time at the grocery store over a display of raw fish, she nearly fainted. Umiyak pa siya noong minsang naubusan ng stock ang café ng paborito niyang latte.

Her craving started. And her cravings were all weird. Ice cream with sinigang mix. Hindi niya alam kung bakit ‘yon ang hinanap niya pero masarap naman nong kinain niya. Then manggang hilaw dipped in ketchup. Cold rice with peanut butter. It didn’t even make sense, but her body was demanding it. At parang mabigat ang dibdib niya kapag hindi nasunod ang gusto niya.

And yesterday, she caught herself counting days on the calendar.

At doon na talaga siya nakaramdam ng pag-aalala.

She was late. Hindi lang isang araw o dalawa. Mag-tatlong linggo na yata.

Kaninang umaga lang, bumili siya ng pregnancy test mula sa pharmacy. She’d stuffed it inside a paper bag, para lang walang makakita na para bang isa itong armas na tinatago niya.

But now, she was inside the bathroom with her knees tucked to her chest on the cold bathroom floor and staring at the little white stick in her hand.

Two pink lines. Positive.

Napakurap na lamang si Esther dahil hindi siya makapaniwala sa kaniyang nakikita. Halo-halo ang naramdaman niyang emosyon sa mga oras na ‘yon. She’s happy, overwhelmed, anxious, awe, softened but she didn’t feel any fear.

Esther pressed a hand against her lower belly. It was still flat but now full of something she couldn’t ignore.

There was a life inside her.

And the one thought that kept repeating in her head was the father of the child inside her.

Ciaran…

Mabuti na lang at wala ito ngayon. Sa makalawa pa ang balik ni Ciaran kaya may ilang araw pa siya para makapag-isip. Hindi niya kasi alam kung papaano niya sasabihin rito ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis niya.

And yet the following days, especially in the morning, the nausea had been coming in waves.

Esther gripped the bathroom sink, her eyes blurry, stomach churning violently.

Nagmumog si Esther. She also pressed a damp towel on her face, trying to steady her breath as her heart was racing.

Maya-maya pa ay may kumatok sa pinto ng kaniyang condo.

“Esther?”

It was Mira.

“Babe, nandito ako. Bukas ‘yong pinto, ah. Pumasok na ako.”

Hindi sumagot si Esther. Kinatok niya lang ang pinto ng banyo para sabihing naroon siya saka ito binuksan.

Seconds Esther saw Mira outside the bathroom.

“Esther, girl, what the hell? Anong—” Mira paused, eyes narrowing on Esther when she saw her hunched by the sink, pale and sweating. “Okay ka lang ba? You look like you fought a ghost and lost.”

Tumikhim si Esther. “Just a bad stomach.”

Naningkit ang mata ni Mira kay Esther. Her haze swept the counter, then the trash bin.

And then Mira saw it. The pregnancy test box. Her eyes widened and gaped at Esther. Then she exploded. “Oh my God! Are you pregnant?!”

“Mira—”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Mira raised both her hands. “Okay. Okay. I’m calm.” But she was not absolutely calm. “Did you do it already? The pregnancy tests?”

Tumango si Esther. Hindi niya namalayan na tumulo na ang kaniyang luha hanggang sa tumabi si Mira sa kaniya ng upo sa sahig ng banyo at pinunasan ang luha niya gamit ang sleeve nito.

“What did it say?”

Kinuha ni Esther ang box saka ipinakita sa kaibigan.

“Oh my God…” Napatakip ng bibig si Mira. Then she blinked rapidly. “Holy crap, you’re gonna be a mom.”

Umiling si Esther. “No—I mean, yes. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko, Mira. I haven’t even told Ciaran yet.”

Natahimik si Mira. Then she took Esther’s hand and squeezed it. “Wala ka na munang ibang gagawin ngayon kundi ang huminga ng malalim.”

Tumango si Esther. Then she whispered, “I don’t even know if I’m ready. After everything that had happened. After my parents. And then the studio. The Solace Tower. All of it. It’s too much.”

Mira didn’t speak or offer false comfort to Esther. She just stayed with her. Then she asked later, "When will you tell Ciaran?”

Nagdalawang-isip si Esther. “Hindi ko alam. Hindi pa sa ngayon.”

“Bakit naman? Siya ang ama ng bata?”

Esther sighed. “Because I need to feel like I have to carry it first until it becomes stable before I will tell him, and when I’m sure it’s safe.”

Tumango na lamang si Mira dahil nirerespeto niya ang desisyon ng kaibigan niya. “But promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“Don’t carry this alone too long.”

Tumango si Esther. “I promise.”

Ngumiti si Mira saka niyakap ang kaibigan.

Later, they found themselves in the living room, watching documentaries.

“Kailan daw ba uuwi si Ciaran mo?” tanong ni Mira.

“Bukas siya babalik,” sagot ni Esther. She dipped the chips in the chocolate syrup and ate it like the most delicious food in the world.

Napailing naman si Mira at hindi na pinansin ang kinakain ni Esther dahil buntis ito. Malamang weird rin ang cravings.

Kapagkuwan bumaba ang tingin ni Mira sa tiyan ni Esther. “If your baby come out super gwapo, alam ko na agad ang tatay.”

Esther rolled her eyes.

“Obviously, it’s Ciaran,” Mira smirked. “No offense, but your genes alone can’t explain jawline supremacy.”

Binato ni Esther ng throw pillow kay Mira.

Tumawa lang naman si Mira saka natahimik. Napatingin siya kay Esther na maganang kumakain ng chips. Hindi niya alam kung dapat na ba niyang sabihin rito ang nalaman niya tungkol sa nangyari sa magulang nito. Pero kulang pa ang ebidensiya. Hindi pa tukoy kung sino talaga ang may sala sa nangyari.

Nahilot ni Mira ang sentido. Buntis pa si Esther. Kaya papaano niya sasabihin?

“Mira?”

“Ah?”

“Okay ka lang? Natahimik ka?”

“May iniisip lang ako.” Sagot ni Mira at ginawa ang lahat upang hindi madulas ang dila niya na sabihin rito ang mga nalaman niya.

Ayaw niyang magsinungaling pero kailangan para rin sa kapakanan ni Esther lalo na sa batang nasa sinapupunan nito.

“Sino? Si Lucien?” natatawang tanong ni Esther.

“Hindi, ah,” mabilis na tugon ni Mira at napatikhim.

“Ang bilis mong sumagot, Mira. Napaghahalataan ka tuloy.”

Mira tsked.

“Kung hindi mo alam, nakita ko kayo noong nakaraan. May date kayo ‘no?”

Kumunot ang nuo ni Mira. “Saan mo kami nakita?”

Ngumisi si Esther. “Sa isang café. Hindi ko naman sinasadya na makita kayong dalawa dahil napadaan lang kami ni Ciaran doon.”

Mira smiled fake and rolled her eyes. “Wala lang ‘yon.”

Natawa na lamang si Esther saka nagpatuloy sa pagkain ng chips.

ESTHER was smiling, while reading the result of her check-up. Kagagaling niya lang sa OB kasama si Mira. More than a month na pala ang tiyan niya. Hindi niya namalayan. Sa sobrang dami ba naman kasi ng mga nangyari.

Pero sa totoo lang, ang saya niya na magkakaroon na siya ng baby. She smiled and put printout in her bag.

Then she took out her card and opened her condo. Natigilan siya nang makita si Ciaran sa living room. Nakaupo ito pero halatang natutulog.

Esther quietly closed the door behind her. Ibinaba niya ang bag sa may lamesa saka naglakad palapit sa kasintahan.

But then Ciaran suddenly opened his eyes when he felt Esther was near and pulled her into his lap.

Esther yelled and held onto Ciaran.

Ciaran laughed and kissed Esther. “I miss you.”

Sinamaan ng tingin ni Esther si Ciaran. “Huwag mo akong ginugulat ng ganun, ah.”

“Sorry, sweetheart.”

Umayos ng upo si Esther sa kandungan ni Ciaran. Kapagkuwan napatitig siya rito.

“Bakit?” tanong ni Ciaran.

Umiling si Esther. “Wala. Ang gwapo mo lang kasi.”

Ciaran smiled and was about to kiss Esther, but Esther stopped him by putting her hand on his lips. “Ran, gutom ako.”

Tinignan naman ni Ciaran ang oras sa suot na wristwatch. “It’s already five in the afternoon. I’ll cook.”

Tumaas ang kilay ni Esther. “Marunong ka ba?”

“I’ll try, Sweetheart. But you’ll teach me.”

“Sabi ko na nga ba.” Sabi ni Esther saka tumayo. “Fine.”

Later that night… Ciaran was folding his sleeves by the sink, rinsing the last mug from dinner.

Masarap naman ang luto nitong pasta kahit hindi ganoon ka-perfect ang pagkagawa. Pero sarap na sara psi Esther. Siya nga ang umubos ng last serving, eh. And while eating, she spent most of the meal just watching Ciaran.

She watched his hands, his voice—the way he hummed under his breath as he stirred the sauce and the way Ciaran looked at her, as if she was the only thing that made sense in the world.

Paano ko sasabihin sa kaniya?

Cairan dried his hands with a towel and turned to Esther.

Mabilis naman na nag-iwas ng tingin si Esther. She was pretending to be busy herself with stacking dishes that don’t need to be stacked.

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” Ciaran asked softly.

Tumango si Esther. “Yeah. Just tired.”

Lumapit si Ciaran sa kasintahan. “Ang tahimik mo.”

Kinagat ni Esther ang pang-ibabang labi. “Just a lot on my mind,” she replied.

Ciaran didn’t press any further. He just nodded, and instead of asking more, he gently reached for Esther’s hand and gave it a small squeeze.

“I’m here, okay? You don’t have to explain anything. Hindi mo kailangang magsalita kung hindi mo pa kaya.” Then he leaned forward and kissed Esther on her forehead. He headed towards the balcony to give her space.

Maingat na umupo si Esther sa may couch nang makalabas si Ciaran. Her hand placed over her stomach. Her fingers trembled. “Hi…” she greeted the baby. “It’s me. Your mom.”

Gumuhit ang ngiti sa labi ni Esther saka napatingin kay Ciaran na nasa balkonahe. May kausap ito sa cellphone at nakaseryoso ang mukha nito.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Esther said. “But I promise, I will tell your Daddy about you.”

She’ll tell Ciaran, but tonight, she wanted to keep this moment between her and the little heartbeat in her stomach.