To Endure A Little More

TWENTY FOUR

'Too many stars, too many dreams. The reality is that in front of these things, I'm just a speck of dust' No matter how much different it feels from yesterday, same remain the tallying old days. I have a long way to go, but why am I running in place. I scream out of frustration but the empty air echoes. Growing but stuck on pause.

Sigh. Sometimes things we can't change end up changing us instead. 'No matter how much I hide and conceal, I can't erase it'.

Lyrics play through my mind on loop like the radio that used to on my father's study which never seemed to remain quiet. The only noticeable difference appears to be that out of the two, one teaches me how to put up a smile to shut out my dust covered heart like a restricted area, the songs evidently .Because precisely, quotes and songs are the only things that understand us. Their unique themes make them feel such as if they're more alive than we ever could be. We enjoy the beat and melody of the song when we are in the mood but we only understand the lyrics when we are deep enough to dive in because like said, songs and quotes are the only things that understand how we are feeling and let us relate. But then again, they are written works of human who are just like us or maybe even worse with their situation and feelings.

Could it mean that we aren't the only one suffering and they are too? Because at this point to be precise, others pain and sufferings could bring so much pleasure and comfort to one, knowing that they are not the only one facing the hardships and downfalls.

Well, then again, what more would i know being just a nineteen year old, sitting in her room on Christmas day before I gotta wish the holiday I never found special, adieu and get back to being racked with the pain life has to offer; pondering about my feelings about everything that's been happening to me; indirectly referring to the occurence of Luan turning into my roommate just before I find out his memories have returned and not to mention the experience with Jeremy falling into a goddamn coma only for me to find out he is suffering through liver cirrhosis and his feelings for me have worsened it for him and also that incident getting me to discover about Luan's return of memories and birth of his hate for me. And then happens the ball which had me unexpectedly encounter my mother and Terran's father who there and then reveal to us about their plan for marriage but only for me to find out that they have taken the decision for their unbirthed, illegitimate child.

"Wow." lets out my lips. I have not even mentioned about everything with Harvey and what caused Jeremy to intoxicate himself with alcohol and worsen his illness; hint, Luan. And then unexpectedly making a new friend yesterday who looked funnier than anything I have gotten see in a long time, when visiting the cafeteria I am fond of who I have met through the ball, who also happened to be acquainted with Viviennne; albeit that was the only funny thing that has happened to me and made me laugh through all the pain life has been making heart ache with. 

My life's more dramatic than any writer could probably ever write for a character in their story, Oh Lord I am impressed by the fate you have written for me. If my story were to be read by anyone, I bet they'd lose the screws in their head and their brain would fall out like overcooked, dilute spaghetti!

Giving up on my own head and thoughts again, I decide to continue skimming through lyrics and quotes i find on pinterest to relate to and pass my time out of this boring day. And suddenly a quote stating something worth wondering about catches my attention at the corner of my computer screen.

Why isn't there a word that's opposite of loneliness? Could it be because people don't know they're lonely until they die?

~Kim Namjoon

There. Kim Namjoon, the man whose words understood me a step ahead than any being ever could. Not even myself. Maybe loneliness is one of my fears indeed; that eventually led me to making more and more friends as time passed by. So even through the lack of time, I wasn't short on friends. Some friends being just friend friends. Some best friends. Some who mean more than just friends. Either way, I never ran out of friends. Until time ran the wrong way and I realised that the person whom I trusted the most turned out to be the friend who hurt me first. I lost a friend. Just one less friend from my friends list. And similarly, a day arrived when I was left with no one to count on anymore.

There seemed to be days I would walk around the entrance of the canteen of school, waiting for my friends to arrive. 'Why was I the one who's there first?' I had to do away with my batch mates, only to spend the next twenty minutes with the people I labelled as best friends. What i failed to realise was how i had taken so much weight to lift that i ended up with my priorities all over the place.

Friends are okay. You need friends. Question is, what are friends? They're the people who root for you, no matter what. You tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, and instead of heading for the door, they stick around and your bond with them gets stronger.

Precisely, Friends are those who are constantly cheering us on. "Go for it", they say to our attempts to find our voice,to live in ever widening circles, to dare, to create, to break through our lives sound barriers.

Again what the internet has to feed our questions but I'm asking for Google's opinions not because I don't know what friends are but because it's hard to describe what friends are. From friends that turn into a little more than that to friends could never see themselves without each other drift apart,the concept of friendship is weird. It's hard to pinpoint what and whom friends could actually be. Unfortunately, some of the people you call 'friends' could be the ones that hurt you the most and turn their backs on you. At the same time, your friends may also be the ones who love and support you no matter what.

"You don't know until you see it."

Some friends are just named 'friends'. They have no intention in acting as one. While some live up to the definition of being a friend no matter what. It varies from person to person on what they want to be. And I should've too decided for myself; chosen to be my truest friend and made that enough for myself. Because at the end of day, it is just ourselves we are left with; ourselves who are only one who have been through everything we ever have and are living the life we are. And so ourselves are the only ones who can understand us for nobody other than ourselves has lived our own life. We are the only one who get to decide who we are because like I said, ourselves are the only who's lived as us. Therefore, the real friend we need is ourself.

Barging in my room, intruding in on the conversation I was having with myself, my mother calls to speak with me. I decide to finally end my fake, wretched slumber and step out of my room to give her a chance to comfort my downheartedness. Although, I had sent all her previous attempts in vain. I wasn't ready to let her make me fall in her favour when she hadn't found my judgement important enough to be mused upon as she made decisions that could incredibly and indescribably reflect upon my life, let alone her own.

"Sweetheart." she starts with the pleading tone in her voice and impenitent eyes. "Come down to have some breakfast with me."

"It's already afternoon, mom." I speak back, finding utterly no reason to continue this conversation already as Garfield Hadleigh comes up to join us. I felt acutely uncomfortable in standing before the the two people who made me feel so incapable and impotent because of their scarcely credible selfish decisions.

"Come on, Garfield and I made the meal for you with so much love. We were hoping you will at least take a bite." Her words made me feel bereft of speech. I was at a loss for words. Because there was a part of me inside that felt consoled to join them and also guilty for speaking to not join them. I was already uncomfortable about her easily let him into our house when they weren't even married yet but I decided to ignore that because I believe Mum was only trying to try move on and live. I knew was edging towards another breakdown right now, I didn't know what to say. I want to be happy for her. But I wasn't exactly very fond of Mr. Hadleigh because of how he'd treat Terran always although it doesn't matter if mother likes him enough. Maybe I am only worried about her but I should be happy for her. For them; for they are trying to live on after accepting the death of the deceased. I suppose.

"Mum, how about you just go eat it on my behalf please... I do not have an appetite." With that, I left their disappointed and upset forms and ran back into my room, hoping for them to not call me anymore.

Because I was afraid. It was only a little time left until I know she has given up on me too, just like she did on father. Just like Mr.Hadleigh did on Terran's mother. It was known that the two were in love since they knew each other although they never worked out until now. It wasn't my concern because they only fell in love. And love is never a mistake since it always comes without any caution. They just fell in love the wrong way with the wrong people. And it has turned them blind towards so many things although yet still I try convincing myself that they deserve no hate for it. Maybe what has happened was for the best. Dad and Mrs.Hadleigh would've only been in more pain if they were still alive. But they are in a better place now where I believe they are getting treated the best way by the angels. May Peace be upon them.

But I wonder still if mother and Terran's father too would later give up on each other too. Would they feel how I'm feeling or could they feel worse? Maybe Lonely? Probably something i'm yet to feel. Probably something I fear to feel.