Gone and Reborn

DECISION

Jo stood inside the elevator facing Saul as she watched his pained look disappear behind the doors when they closed a second later and she crumbled down the floor, bawling her eyes out all the way down to the ground.

She got on her feet and sprinted out the building, feeling her lungs starting to shut down, so she stopped, leaning by a wall and gasped for air, closing her eyes and praying for it to be over, mouthing desperately until finally a small breath made it down her windpipe and she sucked at it eagerly, slowly recovering her rate to the point she could finally move again.

When she felt ready, she got in the first cab she could find and headed back home.

The apartment was empty, just as she´d expected. It was a weekend after all, so Ally should have run to Gus´s place as soon as she dropped her van in the parking lot, and Jo was thankful for that, as she didn´t feel like facing her right now and explaining how she´d ended up crushing Saul´s heart, when all he´d ever done was being nothing but amazing.

The silence surrounding soon started drilling her mind while she laid on the couch trying to stop her tears from falling. So, she did the only thing she knew. She packed her suitcase and got into another cab, then took the first international flight she could find and four hours later she was landing in the Bahamas.

Unhurriedly, she got out of the plane and booked a hotel where she spent the next couple days just soaking in the pool with an empty stare, downing drink after drink until she felt numb enough to head back to her room and pass out on her huge, cold bed.

On her third day over there, her phone woke her up with a notification and she reached for it, groaning with annoyance and peeking at it with one eye, her head killing her with a splitting pain. Her eyes widened when she saw it was Ally texting. She knew this would happen and she hated it.

-Where the f**k are you?- Ally had written- You haven´t come back home in days, is Saul keeping you in chains or something? Was it that good? Tell me all about it b***h!

-Hi hun, I´m sorry I missed you- she wrote back-I just forgot to tell you I had a flight booked to the Bahamas so here I am!- She lied, deliberately ignoring her inquires about Saul and wincing at his memory. Then she rushed to keep typing before Ally could reply.

- I´m going on an excursion now so… talk to you later, ok? She let her phone drop onto the mattress and turned around, lying in fetal position while staring at the wall. Her mind inevitably traveling to him. Her body longing for his touch as she rejoiced in the echo of his image.

His big, strong hands traveling down her legs and making her cry for him, begging for more. His dark eyes staring at hers as he pleasured her expertly and to completion.

Jo soon found herself inserting her fingers down her core, pumping her p***y while she clung to the taste of his lips, to the feeling of his soft hair tangling along her fingers as she held to it while he banged her over and over with his splendorous manhood. His large arms holding her in place and ravishing her at his will.

A moment later she screamed loudly into the empty room, her insides clenching and convulsing with the remnants of the memory of him. And when she realized she was nothing but alone in that ridiculously big, white room, she started crying helplessly until she ran out of tears.

-f**k!- she yelled out in frustration, throwing a tantrum and punching her pillow.

Why couldn´t she be a normal person and love him like he loved her and just be with him? Why could she not be happy?

The next couple of days she spent them in a drunken fog and on her last day she was planning to do exactly the same thing, before returning to her pathetic life and just going on with it.

She took a shower and put on a tight black dress, combed her hair down, then put some lipstick on and admired her reflection on the mirror, sighing and going out the door. The lobby was packed with a large group of retirees that had just arrived apparently from Ontario, all looking to do their check-ins and start having fun as soon as possible.

Jo stared at them for a minute, before heading to the pool area, where a massive pool party was taking place. A bunch of drunken college students having a blast, drinking more alcohol than they´d clearly ever had before and just being foolish all around.

Jo rolled her eyes, got herself a beer from the bar and walked past by them, breaking through the sea of intoxicated dudes, squeezing towards the edge of the place and leaving the loud music behind.

A short fence separated the hotel property from the beach. It was dark but Jo could still see the waves come and go in their eternal oceanic dance. It was quiet, only the sound of water coming and going reached her ears.

She climbed on the concrete surface and sat cross legged for a while. Staring at the dark sea and inhaling the salted air, sipping at her beer and trying to keep her mind from wandering to Saul and failing miserably at it.

So, she decided to stop fighting it and she just embraced it. Closing her eyes, she let herself go. Allowing her mind to remember every little thing. The way his eyes looked behind his glasses when he was so focused at work that Jo could almost hear the gears spinning inside his head.

How he would always smell so clean and fresh, a delicious mixture of mint and soap. The dimple that formed on his right cheek every time he smiled.

Her eyes shutting harder as she pictured his body from head to toe. Doing a mental recount of every tattoo of his. The grim reaper on his left shoulder blade, the praying angel on the other side, the intricate sleeves adorning both of his arms plagued with cubes, shapes and architectonic references, the musical notes crossing his right collar bone. The skull and the crow on his left calf and the phoenix on his chest.

There once was a time when she had kissed each and every one, running her fingers freely through them all… and that made her smile.

Jo was reveling in this thought when a voice brought her back to earth and made her eyes shoot wide open, startled.

-What´s a beauty like you doing on her own in a place like this?- she turned to find a guy in his mid-thirties, sitting alarmingly close to her, all dressed in white and wearing a panama hat, his salt and pepper hair sticking a bit out of it.

-Trying to enjoy silence, but you just ruined that for me- she simply replied and jumped off the fence, leaving him sitting there.

She went back to the pool area, climbing up a stool at the bar and ordering herself another beer. Watching absentmindedly as the party was at its peak, everyone laughing and dancing, shitfaced and partying like there was no tomorrow.

A small group of old ladies from the retirees had joined the young guys and they seemed to have welcomed them just fine, everyone was having the time of their lives. Jo smiled at how sweet the women looked, swaying their hips at the rhythm of deranged modern music without giving a f**k.

One of the partying grannies stepped away from the group and walked towards the bar where she sat. Still dancing a little and smiling widely as she did so.

-Can I get another Mai Tai, handsome!- she called happily at the bartender and she stood right beside Jo.

-You look like you´re having such a good time ma´am!- Jo commented happily, looking at her while the bartender finished fixing the lady´s drink- Way to go!

-Oh, I surely am, sweetheart! – The woman replied proudly, adjusting her glasses a little- It´s the first time I´ve dared going out since my husband died, five years ago, and I promised I would let myself get crazy and have all the fun I´d been missing all this time.

-Well, you´re doing it great!- Jo said, patting her hand a little- It certainly looks like fun from here.

-Thanks!- The lady frowned as she grabbed her drink, taking a sip from it-What´s a young girl like you doing sitting all alone in such a beautiful place?- she said, nodding at the rising party and implying that she should be blowing out wildly like the rest of them.

-Just hiding and running away from love- Jo replied, puffing her cheeks out and drinking from her bottle, absentmindedly.

-Oh sweetheart, that´s not something one can do.

-Why not?- Jo shrugged a bit, tilting her head-I bet now you´ll throw me something along the lines of how we cannot escape from our feelings… or some other catchy phrase.

-No, not at all… because contrary to what most people like to think, love is not a feeling… It is a decision. One that you must make again and again. So why would you run away from something you are deciding for yourself day after day? That would be a silly thing to do, don´t you agree?.... Now put on your happy face, sweetie, and come dance with us!- She smiled, taking her hand and pulling her forward.