The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

"MA'AM, saan po tayo?" Lumipad ang mata ko sa rearview mirror at nakita kong nakatingin sa akin ang driver ng taxi na sinasakyan ko, naghihintay ng sagot. I'm not sure. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Kung saan ako tutungo. Kanina ko pa pinapaikot ang driver, and I know I'm wasting time. Halos isang oras na ang lumipas pero hindi ko pa rin kayang bumalik. I still need time. Pero alam ko rin na ito na ang tamang oras. Hindi ko na puwedeng ipagpaliban pa ito. I have to do this. I needed to. Huminga ako ng malalim at pinuno ko ng hangin ang dibdib ko. "Liko po tayo sa sunod na daan," sabi ko sa matandang driver. Alam kong naiinis na siya pero hindi niya magawang ipakita iyon sa'kin dahil siguro sa hitsura ko. I'm white as paper. Pallid as an invalid—exactly how I feel right now. Invalid. Useless. I stretched my dress for nth time, kahit na walang kusot doon. Kailangan kong gumalaw dahil baka bigla na lang akong manigas ditto. Tinanaw ko ang bintana habang tinatahak namin ang pamilyar na daan na matagal ko ng hindi binabalikan. Ang lugar kung saan nagsimula ang lahat. At kung saan din siguro magtatapos lahat Dito sa lugar na ito, naranasan ko ang maging masaya ulit sa kabila ng dagok na dumaan sa buhay ko at sa pamilya ko. Naranasan ko ulit mangarap at mabuhay. Pero lahat ng bagay may katapusan. People often say that love hurts. But it’s not. I know because I once fell in love and I knew he did love me, too. Hindi masakit ang magmahal. What hurts is the rejection inflicted from someone you care the most. What hurts is the loneliness that comes from losing someone you love. Love does not hurt. When both my parents died, it was love that saved me from feeling the pain, from loneliness, and all of the ugly things in this world. Love made me feel happy and wonderful again. I wouldn't know how rejection feels like because I never had been rejected, kahit sa simpleng bagay. But I know how it felt to betray those people you love. And for me, that hurts more. I hurt people I love in the past, especially the man I vowed to love and to cherish for the rest of my life. It was a hard decision for me to make—to leave. It was painful even for me, but I didn't regret leaving. I'm just sorry that I had to hurt them for my sole desire to vanish. There are few things in life that people couldn't understand. Life is a mystery in itself, and humans are part of it. There are books that tell us everything there is to know about life, science, and even teach us how to count. But a human's emotion and mind are something a book couldn't master. I left that night, three years ago keeping my darkest secret with me. I left because I was scared and I was so lost then. With all the things that I was going through, iisa lang ang kinakatakutan ko. That was to see my loved ones suffer because of me. Hindi ko kaya iyon. And now that I came back... I don't know what will happen. As I stood here, looking at the house I left so many years ago... I couldn't even describe the myriad of emotions coiling around my chest. They felt heavy, suppressing me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari oras na i-apak ko ang mga paa ko sa loob ng bahay na iyon. I knew this day would come sooner or later. At kailangan kong ihanda ang sarili ko. So I prepared myself for anything that might happen before I decided to come back home. Especially if I have to face him again. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking as I reached for my worn-out suitcase. This has been my only companion I brought with me since that night I ran away. When I left, I had thought of the possibility that I might not come back ever again. But I wanted to. God knows I wanted to come home again. But there are things that are beyond my control. Marami ang nangyari sa loob ng tatlong taon na nagpatagal ng pagbabalik ko. But here I am, standing on this same spot where I whispered my farewell three years ago, leaving with trails of tears. Three years ago, when everything was fine and perfect... but then... they all just turned into a nightmare. It’s amazing how fate could change your life in just a blink of an eye. But I couldn't dwell on the past anymore. It happened and I couldn't change it. Now was all that mattered. I came back because I have to face him. So even if I was nervous and scared to walk another step into that house, I knew I had to do it one way or another. I can't stand here outside forever. I can't runaway now. I need to remember these. I need this for me. Narinig kong umalis na ang taxi na sinakayan ko papunta rito, reminding me I’m all alone now with the magnificent house in front of me. This place... our house, our home, my garden... It hadn't change so much since I left. Everything was the same, it’s like I never left. Inaalagaan ba nila ang mga tinanim kong bulaklak? O baka hinayaan nilang mamatay ang mga iyon? I smiled a melancholic smile. Kadarating ko pa lang pero iyong mga bulaklak na kaagad ng inaalala ko. Sighing, I looked up at the sky. Malapit ng lumubog ang araw. Ibig sabihin ay malapit na siyang umuwi. Despite the anxiety and fear, I felt a tinge of excitement ran down within me. Makikita ko na rin siya pagkatapos ng napakaraming taon. I breathed in deeply and clutched my suitcase a little harder. This was it. Kailangan ko ng pumasok bago pa niya ako maabutan ditong nakatayo. At hindi iyon ang plano kong surpresa para sa asawa ko. Huminga ulit ako nang malalim bago ko hinila ang bag ko papasok sa nakabukas na gate. Dumaan sa isip ko ang mga araw noon kung paano namin pag-awayan ni Alex ang tungkol sa pagsasara ng gate. Palagi ko kasing iniiwang nakabukas iyon kapag ako lang mag-isa sa bahay habang nasa trabaho siya. Alam kong pagod siya sa trabaho kaya ayokong bumaba siya ng kotse para lang buksan ang gate kapag dumarating siya. A sudden pain throbbed inside me. No, it's not the usual pain. It was a pain from the past. The one I shed millions of tears for three years, until now. I bit my lip and held my tears at bay. Ayaw kong umiyak sa araw na 'to. This was supposed to be a happy reunion, kahit na alam kong malayo iyon sa katotohanan. I'd rather face the wall than face him with tears in my eyes. That would only make things worse. The leaves rustled and danced as the air blew around me. I stopped for a while and filled my lungs with fresh air. I felt the air swirling around me, touching my skin. It felt nice. I missed this feeling, being free. Well, it looks like I have things to catch up to now that I'm back. When I finally reached the door, nag-alinlangan pa akong gamitin ang sarili kong susi. Naisip kong baka iniba na ni Alex ang lock ng bahay. But I was surprised when I heard the click sound when I shoved and twisted the key inside the hole. The key was a perfect fit. Biglang pumasok sa isip ko na baka hinihintay ako ni Alex kaya hindi niya ginalaw ang lock ng pinto. I mentally shook my head. Hindi na talaga ako natuto. Palagi pa rin akong nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano mawala lang itong nararamdaman ko. Alam ko naman na hindi gagawin ni Alex iyon. Because I know the truth. And the truth was my husband hated me. Stamping down the pain, I shove the door open. Napansin kong nanginginig pa rin iyong kamay ko. Pero binale-wala ko na lang iyon. Wala akong dapat katakutan kasi alam kong hindi ako sasaktan ni Alex. It was the other way around. Kaya nilakasan ko na lang ang loob ko. My steps faltered a little when I entered the house. Everything was still in place. The piano, the chairs, vases, the picture frames, even the curtains... it's all still the same since I was gone. I bit my lips to keep it from trembling, but my eyes were already stinging and I knew I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I didn’t know what to expect exactly. I could face a wretched house. I could understand if Alex decided to refurnish and replace everything that belongs to me that would remind him of me. I expected a house without me in it. A change, anything but not this. Because I don't want to think Alex waited for me. I fought the tears and kept at bay as I controlled myself firmly. I shouldn’t be in an emotional wreck when Alex comes home. Iniwan ko ang dala kong bag sa may pintuan at nilapitan ko ang mga picture frames na nakapatong sa ibabaw ng glass cabinet kung saan nakalagay ang iba't ibang collections ko ng scented candles. Pati iyon ay hindi ginalaw ni Alex. I counted. There were ten frames. And I knew what was missing. My solo picture during my birthday when I turned 20. A birthday present from my dad. Baka binasag na ni Alex iyon o kaya’y sinunog sa sobrang galit. A bitter smile lifted at the corner of my lips. Who knows what he did when I was gone? For all I know, I might've drowned from my husband’s curse. Nakita ko ang wedding picture namin sa may pinaka-gilid na bahagyang nagpangiti sa akin. It was a fading black and white photo, but its lifeless color didn't mask the love and happiness those two couples had. These past years, every time I think of the last time I felt happy, the last time I had a really good laugh, the last time someone made me feel good and blessed, I think of that man who was smiling at that girl on a wedding dress. Ang saya ko noong mga araw na iyon. Probably the happiest day I had since my parents' untimely death. Pero hindi rin nagtagal ang kasiyahang iyon. God had other plans for me. With a heavy heart, I returned the picture back. A trip down to memory lane has always been not good. It was then when I heard a noise behind me as if someone came in. "Who are you?" I stilled instantly at the sound of his voice. I could still recognize his smell, the sound of his voice, and his presence... him. He’s still so achingly familiar to me even if I hadn't laid eyes on him for the past three years. All at once, memories came rushing to me they almost made my head spin and I had to force my brain to shut off when a particular memory threatened to replay inside my head. I realized then that my barriers were not that strong enough. I wished I had more time, but I don't. I have to pull myself together and face him now. No turning back. Ignoring that stabbing pain inside me, I turned around slowly with my eyes on the floor. I heard his intake of sharp breath as I lifted my head and I was rendered immobile at the sight of his devastating eyes. "Faith?" I heard Alex say as he looked at me as if I was a ghost in his eyes. The air felt heavy and I could feel the tension building up every second of waiting for him to scream at me to get out and leave and never show my face again. But they didn't come. Instead, I silently watched the conflicting emotions in his eyes as he looked at me. Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Hatred. And rejection. So this was how it feels to be rejected. Like you don't belong to some place any more. Ganoon pala iyon. Masakit. Lalo na kapag nanggaling iyon sa taong nagpapasaya sayo, nagbibigay pag-asa sayo, at sa taong pinapahalagahan mo. “Ano’ng ginagawa mo dito?” tiim bagang niyang tanong. Kumibot ang labi ko sa kagustuhan kong magsalita. But words left my head and my mouth. All I can see is the intense hatred in his eyes. It felt too painful. And now that I was seeing his anger with my own eyes, it really sank in to me that he must really hate me for leaving and for coming back. I thought I was prepared, but I was only fooling myself. Ilang beses kong pinaginipan ang oras na ito. Tatlong taon kong hinanda ang sarili ko para sa pagdating ng araw na ito—ang araw na makita ko ulit ang lalaking minahal ko... ang lalaking pinakasalan ko... At ang lalaking iniwan ko. Suddenly, I felt a need to right myself and come clean because I couldn't bear to see him like this, hating me and looking so angry. I wanted to say something... to tell him everything, to make him understand. But the stabbing pain inside my head intensified and it’s squeezing my skull tighter I thought my head would explode. It’s too much for me to bear and I can't hold on anymore. I felt my world tilted and I swayed. I knew I was falling and there was no one that would catch me. And the last thing I remembered when I slipped out of consciousness was a memory of his face smiling down on me. * * * * * I’M AWAKE. But I still waited for a moment before I opened my eyes. It's always been like this for me ever since I left. I wake up and wait for a moment to remember those dreams I longed for before I let reality rush back in and feel if there’s pain in my body. But this time, it’s different. I was not on my bed. I was lying on a soft mattress and I could smell something... nice. Like something I've always imagined... My eyes flew open and there he was. My husband. I wasn’t dreaming, I’m sure. Nakikita ko siya ngayon habang nakaupo siya sa isang maliit na pang-isahang sofa, nakayuko, at mukhang malalim ang iniisip. I’ve seen that face too many times, especially when he's trying to think of a solution. Naalala ko tuloy, ako ang problema niya ngayon at ako ang hinahanapan niya ng solusyon. Something tore in my heart. Masakit isipin na hindi na ako mahal ng taong mahal ko. Pero hindi ko rin maiwasang sisihin ang sarili ko dahil kasalanan ko kung bakit iyon nangyari, kung bakit lumayo ang loob niya sa akin. Kung bakit siya galit at kung bakit mas gugustuhin niyang hindi na ako bumalik. Iniwan ko siya at nagpakalayo nang wala man lang na matinong rason. Mula sa kinahihigaan ko ay tinitigan ko ang kabuuan niya. I’ve never imagined I could see him again after all those years. I thought I could never be this close to him again. Now that I can see him closely, I could see that he wasn’t the same man as I knew him. He’s older. Raw. He’s got dip lines around his lips and in the corner of his eyes that weren’t there before. But they didn’t diminish his good looks. If anything, he's more handsome than before. Kahit parang patay ang mga mata niya noong nakatingin siya sa akin kanina, kahit wala na ang pamilyar na mga ngiti niya, iyon pa rin ang mukhang gusto kong makita sa tuwing imumulat ko ang aking mga mata. "You're awake." His deep low voice brought me back and he’s staring back at me. Tumayo siya at kinuha ang damit na nakapatong sa upuan. "Doon tayo sa baba kung gusto mo akong makausap." Lumabas na siya ng kuwarto nang hindi man lang hinihintay ang sagot ko at iniwang nakabukas ang pintuan. Bumagsak ang mga balikat ko. Alex never talked to me using that kind of tone. It was so cold it could almost freeze me. His familiar warmth was gone. It was like I didn't know him at all. And it hurts more to think that I was the one who did that to him. Sinaway ko agad ang sarili ko. I couldn't think like that. I had to choose then and I did. And even if I had to choose again, I would do it all over again. With a sigh, I began to sit up slowly. Noon ko lang napansin kung nasaan ako. I was in our bedroom. At katulad ng bahay, wala ring ipinagbago ang buong kuwarto. Pati iyong tukador, nandoon pa rin lahat ng mga gamit ko. Pati mga damit ko sa cabinet, malinis na naka-hanger at nakatupi. Bigla ay naisip ko kung papaano ako nakarating dito? And then I remembered. I fainted, didn’t I? Napabuntong hininga ako. Hindi ko inasahang mangyayari iyon, sa mismong oras pa nang pagdating ni Alex. Parang gusto kong matawa sa sarili ko, at maawa. Sa lahat pa ng oras na mahihimatay ako, sa oras na iyon pa. Sa harap pa ni Alex. And to think he had to carry me all the way up here. God! I feel even more worse! Pagkatapos ng ilang buntong hininga ay lumabas na ako ng kuwarto. I laced my fingers and uttered a silent prayer as I went down. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko oras na sumingil ng paliwanag si Alex. It’s funny, though. Lagi kong sinasaulo ang mga sasabihin ko sa kanya pagdating ng araw na ‘to. Pero ngayon, ni isang salita ay hindi ko maalala. Paano ako magsisimula? Saan? I could use some strength right now. Hindi ko masasabi kay Alex ang gusto kong sabihin kapag naunahan na naman ako ng takot at kaba. At hindi dapat mangyari iyon. Pagbaba ko’y nakita ko siyang nakatayo at nakaharap sa bintana. He looked taller than I remembered. At mas lumaki pa nang kaunti ang katawan niya. I felt glad na hindi siya nawalan ng timbang katulad ng inaalala ko. He looked fit and healthy, yet harder and intimidating and it’s making me feel like a worthless ordinary person who’s not worthy of his presence and his attention. "Hindi ko na patatagalin ang usapang ito," narinig kong sabi niya nang hindi man lang lumilingon na tila alam niya kung nasaan ako. "Bakit ka nandito?" Kahit hindi siya nakaharap, ramdam ko ang matinding galit at poot niya. The fact that he didn't even wait for me to have a seat, it’s obvious he’s itching to throw me out of the house. Pinilit kong kalmahin ang sarili ko. I wanted to be in control of my emotions right now. I needed to be in control. Dahil ayokong maging mahina. Ayokong magpatalo sa konsensya ko. Hindi ngayon. Tumigil ako ilang layo mula sa kanya at huminga nang malalim bago nagsalita. "Alex, I'm staying."