Rebellious Love (Tagalog/Filipino)

THE SUN shouldn't be shining like that. Gusto kong bumuhos ang ulan at kumulog ng malakas. I want something ominous for everything to darken. I want storm and thunder lashing me to pieces. Not this bright, sunny sky. I don't feel sunny at all. I feel crap and shitty fucked up! Wala akong ibang maramdaman kun'di galit—galit para sa sarili ko. Galit dahil hindi ako ang namatay kun'di siya. He shouldn't be the one inside that coffin sinking under the ground. I should be in that coffin. It's me who should've died, not him. Ako ang dapat na namatay nang gabing iyon. Ako. Pinagsisisihan ko na ako lang ang nabuhay at nailigtas. At pagsisisihan ko iyon habang buhay, habang may natitira pang hininga sa katawan ko. Habang buhay kong pagbabayaran ang kasalanan ko... na iniwan ko ang kaibigan ko sa gitna ng sunog na iyon. Hinayaan kong mamatay ang kaibigan ko. I wish I could mute every sound, even the heartbreaking sound of his sister sobbing as she watched her brother lowered to the ground. The sound cuts me in halves as I stood here hiding in the shadow behind a tree, watching all of the people mourning for him. I am a fucking coward. Ni hindi ko magawang lumapit sa libing ng kaibigang itinuring ko ng parang kapatid. The world should damn me for what I did. The world should hate me. He should hate me. The people started to move away and leave. And then, there was only one left. Victoria. His sister. Abandoned and orphaned, because of me. I should've left him alone. I should've listened to her then, the first time she told me to stop flirting with the danger her brother loved so much. But I was too damn stubborn, obstinate and pig-headed. Kasalanan ko lahat 'to. Kung sana hindi ko siya pinagbigyan, sana buhay pa siya ngayon. Sana... hindi mag-iisa si Victoria at hindi siya iiyak sa pagkawala ng kuya niya. The cold wind blew and then Victoria turned her head around, her eyes pinpointed at the exact spot where I stood hidden, as if the intensity of my gaze and thoughts had touched her. And I was too late to hide anymore. I couldn't run. I couldn't look away as she looked at me for a long moment. Putlang-putla ang mukha niya at lalo pang lumitaw ang kaputian niya dahil sa itim niyang damit. Today, she wasn't wearing her usual jeans and loose, boyish shirt. She was wearing a dress—a black dress—just for her beloved brother. My gut clenched at the sadness it brought me... because Five won't see her. He would never see her wear a dress again, just as he dreamed for his sister. Kahit nasa malayo, kitang-kita ang mugtong-mugtong mga mata niya. Her face was puffy from crying. I could see the grief behind the shadow darkening her eyes, the sadness, and the anger I know was directed towards me. I know I put that in there. I'm the one who caused this irreparable damage. I looked away as I remembered her voice that night. "Pigilan mo si kuya, Zeke. Masyadong dilekado. Hindi pa maayos ang parte ng motor na iyon. Baka mapahamak siya." "'Wag kang mag-alala. Kasama niya ako at babantayan ko siya." Now, hearing those words mocked me. My stupidity and self-assurance were astounding. At ngayon, nawalan ako ng matalik na kaibigan, ng kapatid, dahil sa kapabayaan ko. Nakita kong naglakad siya papunta sa akin. She walked so calmly slow yet I can see her hands curled around in a fist by her sides and her face was contorted with naked anger and grief. Tumigil siya ng ilang pulgada ang layo mula sa'kin . She's not too so close yet not too far, enough to smell the scent of her hair. And it reminded me of my loss. Our loss. Naningkit ang mga mata niya. "Ang kapal din ng mukha mong magpakita pa sa'kin pagkatapos ng ginawa mo." Her voice was rough and husky from crying. At hindi ko maikakaila ang galit sa bawat salita niya. "Gusto..." I stopped when I felt the familiar tightening of my throat. I swallowed hard and tried again. "Gusto ko lang makiramay. Iyon lang." Five, her brother and my best friend, had been the only person I trusted. I had a struggling life as I grew up in a family that was strong and uptight. Nobody tried to listen to me. Not my friend, and not even my own family. Yet Five was there at the beginning. He helped me to build a better person of me. He guided me when my father should have. All my life, all I know was my father's disappointment. Kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong subok ko, hindi ko makitang proud siyang naging anak niya ako. I was always the black sheep of my family, a reckless and unprincipled son. Always known as the rebellious son. But Five saw something better in me. And he mad me believe I am better than what my father believed I ever was. Yet now, staring at the rage in Victoria's eyes, I could feel the sting of humiliation that was still etched in me like a scar tattooed on my skin. "Hindi ko kailangan ng pakikiramay mo." Nanginginig ang boses niya. At alam kong dahil iyon sa galit na kinikimkim niya. How I wish she would just hit me hard in the face and subject me in a cruel laugh and ridicule. That way, it might ease her heartbreak even just a little. "Siya na lang ang pamilyang meron ako. Pero nang dahil sa'yo, mag-isa na lang ako. Salamat sa'yo. Patay na ang kuya ko." I felt the blood drained completely from my face to hear her words. "I'm so... sorry," I said faintly. Wala akong ibang masabi kun'di ang humingi ng tawad, nang paulit-ulit. "Sorry?" Her voice was sneering now, her dead eyes put a lead in my chest. "Kasalanan mo itong lahat at hinding hindi kita mapapatawad dahil nabuhay ka at siya hindi. Hinding hindi kita mapapatawad dahil hinayaan mo siyang mamatay. At kahit anong gawin at sabihin mo, hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo." Her words felt like shards of glasses in my skin. It stung more than she could ever know. Siguro kung nakatayo kami sa malapit na bangin, marahil ay itinulak na niya ako. And she would happily watch me falling down and finally crash to pieces when I hit the ground. "Gustong-gusto kitang saktan, suntukin ka hanggang sa hindi ka na makatayo diyan. Pero alam kong hindi iyon gusto ni kuya. Kaya bago ko pa makalimutan ang ipinangako ko sa kanya, mas mabuti pang umalis ka na lang. Sa karera mo idaan ang pakikiramay mo. Tutal, iyon lang naman ang alam niyong gawin." Something gripped my heart when she wiped her tears with her hands and turned around. Maybe Five hates me now for making his sister cry, I thought as I watched Victoria walking away from me. She stood on his grave and pressed a gentle hand on it before she left. And then I was alone. In that moment I wanted to die more than anything else in the world. So badly I could taste it. My rock, my brother and my best friend was gone now. He was gone forever. I felt that everything good and promising and hopeful was broken and destroyed. And the feeling was lot worse, I thought, than if Victoria spit on me or if she punched me. Cold wind wrapped around my body, and the sky turned gray. Thunder rolled above the clouds and lightening lit up the sky. But suicide would be too easy for me, I thought bitterly. Too easy than living with this pain and guilt everyday. My sin will forever punish my soul. My life will forever be in debt. And no amount of forgiveness will save me from the wrath of fire of hell. This is my life, my truth, and I will live with it for the rest of my life.