Chapter 4: The Decision
1760 Words
We finish both bottles of wine by four in the afternoon.
Maribel orders Thai food. I can't eat. She forces two spring rolls down my throat anyway, saying something about how I need to keep my strength up for what's coming. What's coming. Like this is a war and I'm a soldier preparing for battle.
Maybe I am.
Julian texts at 5:30. Working late. Don't wait up.
I stare at the message. Wonder which one he's with tonight. If she knows about me. If she cares. If any of them care, or if they're all just playing the same game he is, collecting experiences like baseball cards.
"Let me guess," Maribel says, reading my face. "He's working late."
"Yeah."
"Perfect." She refills my wine glass with water this time. Responsible. "That gives us time."
"For what?"
"To make the call."
My stomach drops. "I didn't say I was going to do it."
"You didn't say you weren't." She pulls up the website again on her phone. "Look, I'm not saying you have to sleep with anyone. I'm saying you should meet someone. Have a conversation. Remember what it feels like to be seen by someone who isn't grading you on a f*****g star system."
I take the phone. Scroll through the profiles. They're tasteful. Professional. Men who look like they could be lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs. Normal people doing an abnormal job. Or maybe it's more normal than I think. Maybe in this city, in this world of wealth and secrets, this is just another service. Like personal training or therapy.
Therapy for loneliness.
"I don't even know what I'd ask for," I admit.
"What do you want?"
The question is so simple. So impossible.
"I want to feel something other than this." I gesture vaguely at myself, at the apartment, at everything. "I want to feel like I exist. Like I'm real. Like I matter to someone, even if it's just for pretend."
Maribel's expression softens. "Then ask for that. Tell them you want someone cold. Professional. Someone who won't try to save you or fix you or fall in love with you. Someone who'll just make you feel human for a few hours."
"That sounds pathetic."
"That sounds honest." She takes the phone back, starts filling out a form. "What name do you want to use?"
"What?"
"You need a fake name. For privacy."
I think about it. About who I could be for one night if I wasn't Seraphina Ashford, wife of Julian, player of roles, invisible woman.
"Claire," I say. The name of my college roommate. The girl I was before I met Julian. Before I started shrinking.
"Claire it is." Maribel types. "And what are you looking for in terms of... physical type?"
"I don't care."
"You have to care a little."
"I don't. I just..." I close my eyes, trying to articulate something I don't fully understand myself. "I want someone who looks as tired as I feel. Someone who understands that this is a transaction, not a fantasy. Someone who won't pretend this is anything other than what it is."
"Two broken people meeting in the dark?"
"Something like that."
Maribel nods, keeps typing. "When?"
"When what?"
"When do you want to meet them?"
Reality crashes back. This is actually happening. I'm actually considering this.
"I don't know. Soon. Before I lose my nerve. Before Julian comes home and smiles at me and I forget why I'm angry."
"Tonight?"
My heart hammers. "Tonight."
"You're sure?"
Am I? No. Not even close. But if I wait, if I think about it too long, I'll talk myself out of it. I'll convince myself that this is crazy, that I'm overreacting, that I should give Julian a chance to explain, to change, to be the man I thought I married.
Except he was never that man. I just needed him to be.
"Tonight," I repeat, firmer this time.
Maribel hits send before I can change my mind. "Done. They'll send you details within the hour. Probably a hotel. Definitely expensive. You still have your emergency credit card?"
The one Julian doesn't know about. The one my mother insisted I keep, just in case. Just in case of what, I never asked. I think I know now.
"Yeah."
"Good. Use that. Don't leave a trail he can follow."
The practicality of it all makes me dizzy. We're planning this like a heist. Like I'm stealing something that was never mine to begin with.
My own life.
Maribel stands, starts gathering her things. "I should go. Let you get ready."
"Ready for what? I don't even know what I'm supposed to do."
"You're supposed to show up. The rest will figure itself out." She pauses at the door. "Sera? You don't have to go through with anything. If you get there and it feels wrong, leave. This isn't about proving something to Julian. It's about proving something to yourself."
"What am I trying to prove?"
"That you still exist outside of him."
She leaves. The apartment feels cavernous without her. I walk from room to room, touching surfaces, trying to remember when this place felt like home. If it ever did.
My phone buzzes. An email from an address I don't recognize.
Dear Claire,
Thank you for your inquiry. Based on your preferences, we've arranged an appointment for this evening at 9 PM at The Meridian Hotel, suite 2847. Your companion will be Lucien. He's experienced with first-time clients and understands the need for discretion and emotional sensitivity.
Please confirm your attendance by 7 PM.
All arrangements have been made. Simply provide your confirmation name at the front desk.
We hope this evening brings you what you're seeking.
Lucien. Even his fake name sounds like it belongs in a different world. A world where people pay for connection because real connection has failed them.
A world I'm apparently part of now.
I should cancel. I should delete the email and pretend this never happened and find a real therapist and work on my marriage like a normal person having a normal crisis.
But nothing about this is normal. Nothing about Julian's burner phone full of rated women is normal. Nothing about an open marriage proposal delivered over breakfast is normal.
So maybe I don't need normal solutions.
My fingers move before my brain can stop them. Confirmed. Claire.
Send.
No going back now.
I look at the clock. Four hours. Four hours to become someone else. Someone brave enough to walk into a hotel room and meet a stranger. Someone who exists for her own sake, not as an extension of her husband's life.
I shower. Really shower, not the efficient five-minute routine I've perfected. I let the water run hot, let it scald my skin, let it wash away six years of being careful, being perfect, being less.
In my closet, I avoid the designer dresses. Pull out jeans I haven't worn in years. A black sweater. Boots. Clothes that feel like armor. Like I'm preparing for war, not seduction.
Because that's what this is, isn't it? War. Against Julian's certainty that I'll always be waiting. Against my own fear that I'm nothing without him. Against every voice in my head saying good wives don't do this, good wives forgive, good wives look the other way.
Good wives disappear.
I'm so tired of disappearing.
At 7:30, I'm dressed, made up, ready. I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. Not because I look different. Because I look the same. Like the girl I was at twenty-three, before Julian, before the shaping and molding and perfecting.
Like someone who still has choices.
My phone rings. Julian.
I let it go to voicemail. Listen to his message.
"Hey, it's me. Just wanted to let you know I'll be home late. Vivian and I are finishing up the Henderson proposal. Don't wait up. Love you."
Vivian and I.
The casualness of it. The audacity. He's not even trying to hide it anymore.
I text back: Okay. Have a good night.
Professional. Distant. Exactly what he'd expect from the wife he's trained so well.
Then I grab my purse, my emergency credit card, my car keys. Leave our perfect apartment with its perfect view and its perfect lie.
The drive to The Meridian takes twenty minutes. I almost turn back four times. At every red light, I think about going home. Canceling. Being sensible.
But sensible hasn't saved me. Sensible has brought me here, to this moment, paying a stranger to make me feel real.
The hotel lobby is elegant. Quiet. The kind of place where discretion is currency and questions are never asked. I approach the desk, heart pounding so loud I'm sure everyone can hear it.
"Checking in," I manage. "Claire. Suite 2847."
The clerk doesn't even blink. Hands me a key card. "Twenty-eighth floor. Elevators to your left. Enjoy your stay."
Enjoy your stay. Like this is a vacation. Like I'm not about to commit adultery with a stranger to match my husband's betrayal.
Except it's not adultery if he's already broken every vow, is it? That's what I tell myself in the elevator. As I watch the numbers climb. As my reflection in the mirrored walls shows a woman who looks calm, composed, nothing like the chaos inside.
Floor twenty-eight. The hallway is empty. Carpeted in deep burgundy that swallows sound. I find suite 2847 at the end, far from the elevators. Private.
I stand in front of the door for what feels like hours. Might be seconds.
My hand shakes as I lift it to knock.
This is it. The moment I stop being Julian's wife and start being someone else. Someone who makes her own terrible decisions. Someone who exists.
I knock.
Footsteps. The door opening.
And there's a man, not quite what I expected. Sharp jaw. Dark hair. Eyes that look like they've seen things they'd rather forget. He's tall, dressed simply in dark jeans and a grey shirt. Handsome in a way that feels accidental, like he's not trying.
Like he's just as tired as I am.
"Claire?" His voice is quiet. Careful.
"Yes."
He steps aside. "Come in."
I walk into the room before I can think better of it. Before I can run. Before I can go back to being the woman who waited at home while her husband lived.
The door closes behind me with a soft click.
And for the first time in six years, I have no idea what happens next.
But it's my choice.
Finally, terrifyingly, mine.
- Writer
