To Love and Avenge

Chapter 39

As I entered the door, I was greeted by the darkness of the entire house. Where could he be? I asked myself. His car was out there, so, he sure was already home.

Maybe he was already upstairs. It was already past 10 so I assumed that maybe he was already resting. I reasoned out, but I was stunned when I saw the flickering light of the cigarette from a distance. The whole house was filled with the strong smell of combined liquor and a cigar. He must have been smoking quite a lot now.

And just when I turned on the light, I saw him sitting on the sofa while his back was facing me.

“Dauis, I thought you were asleep. Why didn’t you turn on the light?” I asked as I walked toward him and kissed him on the cheek.

“I’ve been waiting for you. Did you enjoy your night out?” he asked in indifferent tones.

Hearing him ask me that way, I can sense that there must be a problem, or would it be a problem at work.

“Oh, yeah.” I paused.

“Something’s wrong?” I continued to ask. I wonder why with this liquor and cigarettes? He seldom does that at home.

“I was just tired,” he responded nonchalantly. His tone was dismissive. He didn’t even look at me like he always does.

I took a deep breath and asked, “Have you had your dinner?”

“Hmm… I’m full,” he said, giving me a cold shoulder. Understanding that he didn't want to talk to me, I decided to just shut my mouth.

Now hinting at his indifference, I exhaled slowly. Releasing the tension inside me.

For a long period, this was our first cold war after our previous resolution in Aurora.

Is this the end? I silently asked, but I dismissed the idea that I was thinking. I was just being irrational due to emotional distress.

I was so down that I didn't want to entertain other stressing emotions.

I guess it is just normal for couples to have misunderstandings.

Okay, I just let it go for now.

“Okay, I'll change first.” without turning back, I walked past him and to my previous room.

I need space, we both do.

Upon entering, I slowly lay down, feeling so tired and distressed. I curled up sideways while hugging my knees and cried silently. I haven't cried like this in the past few months, but now, my tears are flowing abundantly like they were stocked up and saved inside.

Am I getting back to what I was before, to where I will be all alone again? My fantasies were over and reality hit me now.

The informant wouldn’t have lost his life if it wasn’t for my negligence. I wasn’t diligent enough, and now this, with Dauis.

If I don’t act now, who will I lose next? Dad? Daven and Allen? Or worse, I will lose them all.

So exhausted that I couldn’t think clearly. I cannot afford to lose anyone again, not this time, not forever.

I know they were after my family too.

Out of exhaustion, I fell asleep still curled up.

I was fast asleep when I suddenly felt the bed shrink beside me. Someone must have laid down next to me and hugged me. I didn’t move even a bit and I didn't have to guess who it was.

……

We were running and someone was chasing us. She stumbled and was hit, leaving her wounded. I was held captive. I was panting, inhaling a large sum of air to keep me ventilated, and the gunshot. I saw her, I saw her struggling, despite being in pain, she drew her last strength to help me break free. Until another shot and she fell. I was pushed down to her, then another shot, followed by the other…

……

“NOOOOOO!! “ I got up in haste with my forehead all covered with sweat and eyes that were filled with tears.

The man who was sleeping beside me sat up immediately and wrapped his arms around me protectively.

I was shaking vigorously, crying, and hyperventilating, as if I was lacking air. I held my knees up to my chest and hugged them as if it was where I could get strength.

Well, where would it be other than me? I can’t lean on anyone.

With that in mind, I cried harder, as if I hadn’t cried my whole life.

“Shhh… hush down, whatever it is, it was just a dream, okay? I'm always here, I'm not gonna leave you,” he said. He spoke so gently that my heart aches even more.

Only if he knew, only if I could tell him so he would understand, but no, I can't.

I haven’t had these dreams for a long time, but why now, why? I asked, pondering what could be the triggering point.

Mom, please help me with all this. I silently pleaded.

I was in great torment.

“I’m here….” he said.

We stayed in that way for a long time and no one dared utter another word.

Morning came, and I was still lying in bed. I was sore and I didn't want to move, staring blankly into space. I always have tendencies to have an absence-seizure after that day.

But lately, I thought that I had overcome it all, but I was wrong all along.

Dauis, who had entered the room with food in his hands, called me out.

“Hey,” he reached out and kissed my head as he put down the food.

“Are you okay now?” he worriedly asked. I heard him, yes, but I cannot comprehend myself.

No, I'm not. I am hurt and confused. I responded silently, still staring in front of me without actually looking at anything in particular.

“Hey,” he called out again. “You're scaring me now, d’you want me to bring you to the hospital?” he asked and shook me a little.

My eyes flutter at what he did.

“Are you okay?” and he pulled me for a hug.

This time, my tears fell freely as I cried in silence, burying my face in his shoulders.

“I took a day off so that I could accompany you.”

Hearing him say it, I immediately refused him to stay.

“No, I’m fine. You can go to work.”

“No, I insist. I want to accompany you and partake in anything that you’ve been through,” he said, and distanced himself so he could look me in my eyes.

“I understand, but I'm fine now, as you can see.”

He only nodded at me, still looking into my eyes, waiting for me to speak up, but I didn’t. And I don't have any intentions of telling him.

“I will wait until you are ready to tell me. Okay?” he, later on, said, cupping it with his palms, and kissing me on my lips.

At this act, my tears once again burst out freely.

I don't know, but I feel so low-spirited today.

Today, he stayed with me and attended to all my needs. We went motorbiking this afternoon and ended up watching movies together. We cuddled a lot this time, and he did everything he could just to make me forget last night’s nightmare.

DAUIS

The moment I called her, I already knew she was lying when she said that she was with Sheila. How could she be with Sheila, when, in fact, I was having a meeting with her?

How long and often had she been lying to me and who could have been this person that she met?

I was so anxious and devastated by her lies. So when I get home, I have nothing to turn to except for the cigarettes and the liquor.

I didn't want to fight with her, so all I could do was avoid making conversation. But I could feel that she thought that I was driving her away. So, she walked back to where her previous room was.

I was supposed to give her space but I cannot sleep without her. Her smell, her softness, everything about her makes my night sleepless and empty.

I later walked to her room and lay beside her.

She was just so near and within reach, but she seemed to be too far. I distanced myself, lying facing her. What’s more important is that she was just beside me.

I shouldn’t have treated her that way, she seemed to be problematic when she came home.

And when I was just about to start to sleep, I heard her start to wail. I tried to wake her up but I failed when suddenly she screamed in fear as she sat up. Her eyes were swollen.

I was stunned when I saw her vigorously shaking. So, I wrapped my arms around her, hoping that she would calm down. She was so helpless and pitiful to look at, my heart aches for her. I don't know what it was, yet I wanted to take it away from her. Only if I can...

We stayed like that for like forever until she sobered and lay back down. Not long after, she dozed back to sleep.

I am guessing that it was in connection to her mother’s death. She had been like this before, only that I had not heard her pitiful laments.

I never get the chance to go back to sleep, afraid that it will occur again.

When the dawn broke, and she was still soundly sleeping, I slipped to the kitchen to cook her favorite food, hoping that it would help her to lighten her mood.

When I got back, I was stunned by the sight- She was staring in no particular direction. She was spacing.

This must be very painful for her. Thus, I decided to have my day off and accompany her all day.

I'm just glad that she didn't object any further like she always does before.

She had changed a lot.

Thinking about her current state, I'm afraid that when the day comes that she will learn the truth, she will eventually hate me.

Even though I tried to prevent it, that day will still come. And I don't know how she will react to it. I just hope, that by filling her heart, she will know that what we are now will not change.

I just hope that she will not hate me for it.

We went motorbiking just like what she always wanted to do. We cook food together and have movies together. That way, I can fill her with good memories.

Just as we finished watching the movie, we still cuddled each other.

“Ale?” I called out.

“What if one day, I wronged you, will you forgive me?” I asked as I caressed her face.

“Hmm, I don’t know, but someone told me that one should learn to forgive and let go. Why is that?” she asked as she looked up into my eyes full of curiosity.

“It’s nothing, just that I am not perfect, actually no one does, but if you wrong me, I will still stand by you.”

She just smiled at me. I know, she’s not the kind that is easy to forget or forgive. She holds grudges, but I will hold on to her love, that someday, whatever may come, she will still remember these days of her life.

I was busy playing with her hair with my fingers, twirling it around while telling her some nonsense about this and that of my life when suddenly my phone buzzed.

She reached for it and handed it to me.

Looking at the number on the screen, I was a little hesitant to open it at first, but when she saw my hesitation, she promptly asked.

“Why, something’s wrong? “

“Uh, what could be wrong? It was nothing.”

“Nothing?” she asked suspiciously.

“Yeah, it was one of my colleagues, maybe a problem with one of the bars, you know, we can’t prevent that from happening,” I said, hoping that she would buy it.

“Okay.” then she closed her eyes while she was resting on my chest.

I opened the message that read:

Hi there, how are you? I missed you.

My heart skipped for a moment upon reading it. She was soon coming over.

What am I going to do now?

After reading, I immediately deleted the message and put it back on the table beside me and pulled Ale closer, and hugged her tightly this time.

I don't want to lose her, but I can’t compromise her.

They should not meet, or it will be the end of us all.