You Kissed Me First!

Unlovable Aria

(Aria)

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop drinking before important meetings, Ari?!” My aunt Silvia scolded me over the phone. I lowly groaned and rolled over to the other side of my messy bed. I don’t know why I decided to take her call so early in the morning. My head was throbbing from all the drinking last night.

“You don’t just say that only before the meetings,” I muttered under my breath and rubbed my eyes. An awful taste burped up in my mouth, making me want to throw up. I forced myself to sit up on the bed. The room was dark even when the sun was shining outside. If I get exposed to that light right after I wake up, I am pretty sure my head will explode. I am aware of this even when I am drunk. That is why I put on the drapes before getting to my bed last night, completely hammered.

“And what’s wrong with that, Aria? Just look at yourself! All you do is drink and do drugs. I don’t know how long I can take this. You have to change your habits, or I swear you are on your own.” I already am, I thought. She continued, “I don’t know when you will understand that you are ruining your life,” I wanted to tell her that I am not ruining my life. I am just trying to survive. I can’t live a normal and sane life. I am not privileged enough to have one, but I didn’t dare to voice those words. Aunt Silvia might be scolding me now, but she is the only person in this world that cares for me. I can’t afford to worry about her by running my bad mouth.

I heaved a sigh, “I know. I am sorry,” I muttered. I might sound like I don’t care, but I do. There have been so many times when I have tried to quit, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. I find comfort in my numbness. How can I just let it go?

There was a pause before Aunt Silvia let out a tiring sigh, “Just be at the airport on time. I told you about Mr. Elsner, didn’t I? You have a meeting with him tomorrow. Be here on time, and you better not drink or party tonight, Aria. Tomorrow is an important day,” she reminded me. Suddenly, my mood turned sour.

Jasper Elsner. That’s the name I have been told about. I rolled my eyes at that name. I wasn’t ready to meet him, but my aunt is forcing me to do so. I don’t know much about him. All I know is that he is some big hotshot that is trying to buy my resort. Aunt Silvia wasn’t ready to just give up on the resort either, but recently the other party offered a huge amount for that piece of land. She wants me to consider it since I am the one who owns it. She thinks I will never be able to get a better offer, but the truth is, I don’t want any offers to begin with. I am not selling that resort to anyone. Period. At Aunt Silvia’s request, I had decided to meet this man but I already knew what my answer would be, and I didn’t have to be sober to give it to him.

After my phone call with Aunt Silvia, I took a pill for my headache before I went to take a long shower. I came out of the bathroom, feeling somewhat better. I was wearing a bathrobe and had my hair twisted in a towel. I was going to ask my assistant, whom I brought to Bangkok with me, for a fresh cup of strong coffee when my eyes fell on a hotel cup half filled with cold and stale coffee. I squinted my eyes at it. I never drink hotel coffee. I don’t remember drinking it last night. It suddenly came to mind that I took the coffee from my hotel neighbor when I was hungover yesterday. I cringed at the memory. I remember he was a guy. I also remember calling him hot. “Ugh, that is why you shouldn’t drink, Aria,” I muttered to myself and shook my head.

I may be careless and hardheaded, but I know my limits and when I cross them. I must have made that man uncomfortable with my bluntness. The least I can do is apologize to him. Hell, I was so drunk that I don’t even remember him. I just remember seeing a handsome man only in his towel. If I am being honest, I don’t think I even saw his face properly, just his body. I am not a shy person. When I see something I like or someone I like, I never fail to point it out – this is probably why I was famous for being flirtatious or slutty when I was in school. I don’t care about the labels. I stopped caring about them a long time ago.

I didn’t bother drying my hair. I just put on a blue summer dress and stepped out of my room. I was going to knock on the door next to mine, but I stopped when I saw the cleaning lady coming out with the trash can. I chewed on my bottom lip and cleared my throat to get her attention. She lifted her head with a big smile on her face, but as soon as she saw me, her smile flattened. Oh yes, she doesn’t like me – probably because of all the mess I leave for her to clean whenever I am there. “Umm, is the guest next door in his room?” I asked in my broken Thai. I don’t speak it very well, but it is good enough to communicate with the locals.

She sighed and shook her head, “No, he is out.” She replied to me rudely before emptying the trash can into the garbage bag in her trolley. She didn’t wait for me to say anything further and stormed back into the room. I heaved a sigh and rolled my eyes. Sure, I am a b***h but she doesn’t have to be so rude to me. I shook my head and went back into my room. I checked the time and groaned. It was almost time. I rubbed my temples. I didn’t want to do this, but I have to. This is going to be dreadful, but I must go through this. I blew my cheeks out and looked at myself in the mirror, “It is okay, Aria. An hour. That’s all it is going to take. You can do this.” I told myself, “You have to do this. You have to do this because you are not a weak b***h. You got this”. I nodded at myself.

I quickly got ready. Even when I was feeling down, I didn’t forget to wear makeup. I blow-dry my hair until it is completely dry and bouncy. I wore high heels and picked up a matching emerald clutch. I picked the sunglasses from the table and fixed them on my head. My assistant was ringing my phone, probably to ask me to come down as quickly as I could because I was getting late. Before I left, I decided to write an apology note to the person staying in the suite next to me.

“Hey. I wanted to apologize and thank you for the coffee yesterday. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I owe you a good cup of coffee anyway! – Zombie lady next door!” I quickly scribed the note and left my suite. The cleaning lady was gone and the door was closed. I wasn’t sure if the handsome man was back in his room, even if he was – I couldn’t stop and chat with him, I was already late. I decided not to waste any more time and slipped the note under his door, hoping he would see it.

I left soon after. When I reached downstairs, Taay, who also goes by the name Rabbit, was already waiting for me. She was nervously strolling back and forth in the lobby. As soon as she saw me coming out of the elevator, she rushed to me, “s**t, Ari.” She cursed at me in Thai before she rambled on in English, “Do you have any idea what time it is? You already know your dad. He is going to fire me if you get late. You are going to get me jobless,” she complained as she held my wrist and dragged me out of the hotel – not waiting to listen to my response.

Taay, or Rabbit, is my only friend here. In fact, if I am being honest, she is the only friend I have in the world. I know a lot of people, but none of them are my friends. They are just the people I often hang out with. They mean nothing to me, and I mean nothing to them. They are just around me for their own benefit, and I am very well aware of that. I don’t care about them either. I just need companions when I party, and they are just the fillers of my life. But that’s not the case for Taay. She is my true friend. When I am in trouble, I go to her. When I am sad, I cry on her shoulder. When I am angry, I vent to her. She is my unpaid therapist. My father hired her as my assistant, but I see her as my friend rather than an employee. I have known her for five years. When she first started, she was 24, and I was 23. We connected instantly, and the rest is history.

“Sorry, I got up late,” I muttered as we got in the car. She was the one driving while I sat in the passenger’s seat. I don’t mind driving, but one, Bangkok’s traffic can be insane and two, I was still hungover and not in any condition to drive. I put on sunglasses as Taay pulled the car onto the road. She is usually a very careful driver, but today she was driving a little recklessly. I could see she was nervous. I clicked my tongue when I saw her face, “Will you stop stressing? I am not going to let him fire you.” I rolled my eyes at her.

She gave me a side glance at which I chuckled. “If he does anything, I will attempt suicide again,” I joked – earning a glare from her. It was a dark joke. Yes, I have done it. I have attempted to kill myself multiple times, but I don’t do it anymore. Now, I just joke about it. I do that a lot. I make fun of myself and my life before anyone else does. She knows I hold no power in front of my father, but I am a stubborn b***h. One way or another, I always find a way to fight him. There is nothing he can do anyway. It is not like he does anything for me to be grateful to him. I hate him. I hate him so much that if murder was legal for a day, I would kill him and his f****d up family. That’s how much I despise that man.

She sighed and clenched her jaws, “How many times do I have to tell you, Aria? Stop f*****g joking about it.” She gritted her teeth. She and Aunt Silvia both hate my dark humor. I know they think I am insensitive and they aren’t wrong. I am. And I am planning to stay the same.

I am insensitive. I am a jerk. A b***h. Rude. Irresponsible. Crackhead. I have many names. I don’t mind any of them – as long as they don’t call me unlovable again. I am scared of that title and that’s probably why I became the bane of everyone’s life. If I don’t give them a chance to love me in the first place – how can I become unlovable to them, right? Right?