Raising Tasha

The mighty have fallen

Going to school pregnant. I always looked down on my classmates who ended up pregnant.

‘How loose' I'd say with my nose upturned. The nuns at the orphanage used to say that only girls that were loose would get pregnant while still unmarried. It was drilled into us about such immorality and sins and the condemnation awaiting such people.

Here I was the condemned! 20…pregnant from a one night stand and definitely unmarried. I did not even have a boyfriend. No one to falsely pin the pregnancy on. I Claire slept with a stranger I met a party, someone I could not tell their face from the tout at our bus stop, not that anything was particularly wrong with touts.

‘Could people smell pregnancy hormones?’ I thought to myself as I walked nervously into the Registrar's office to get my papers for the new semester. I composed myself barely breathing as I handed in my results for the previous semester to my scholarship approved for the new semester. I had done this ever new semester since fresh man year but this year felt different.

A semester had from months, normally i would be in school from January-April went on break from May-August then back to school September-December. If I went on holiday and came back to school in September it would not work out. I was pregnant, babies were born after nine months and guess when my ninth month was? Freaking September!! That was not going to work out well for me, bur since I was in the Registrar's office why not just get over with it.

“Excuse me, sir? Sir?" I interupt his reading of my results. “I'd like to find out if it is possible to apply for the May-August tri-semester." I say my voice growing smaller towards the end of my sentence.

My question finally captures his attention. It seems like a lot of people did not make this request.

“Why not just go on holiday and come back for the next semester in September like everyone else Claire?" he says with a smile, “what is the hurry for? It is just three months, it will not be long till you're done you know"

But I did not have time, I could not wait. September shouldn't not find me in school. I could not have a baby in September. That would mean calling off that semester and coming back in January. My scholarship only went as far as December of this year. If I was not done with school by then I would have to pay for myself next year. I could not afford that! I could barely afford to feed my self as it were.

Sensing my panic the registrar hands me a glass of what which I accept with shaky hands. “I'm guessing you can't wait that long." he suddenly says.

“I have seen girls like you Claire," I feel my heart jump to my mouth, tears welling up my eyes. “Don't worry, I have been in this institution for a very long time. I have seen every thing at this point."

After taking a sip of water trying to calm down I ask, “what do you mean? I don't know what you are talking about." I try to sound nonchalant.

“Atleast you decided to keep it" he knew! He had to know! There was no other explanation. This was university after all. Getting pregnant would not get you expelled but for a scholarship student like me time was of the essence.

Someone somewhere had been generous enough to see me through school and I had selfishly almost ruined that.

My hands suddenly turned sweaty. This was it! My future was currently slipped out of my fingers and I had done this to myself.

“Just for the mere fact that you did not choose abortion I will approve your scholarship ship for the May-August tri-semester, now get out of my office and go study hard. Don't let me regret this!" his voice suddenly wakes me up from my panic attack. Right there, the tears I had been holding back suddenly stream down my face. A warm feeling blooms in my chest and I almost hug the man. This was the closest thing to parternal love I was ever going to get in this life time. Grabbing his hand shaking them continuously I expressed my thanks in tears and snort.

He chuckles hand me a tissue to wipe my face before shooing me out of his office. Right there I realise that now I had two people to study hard for, my little demon and that kind man that made it possible for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. To finish school in peace.

I did not even realize that I had already sub consciously fitted the little demon into my future. Before all I wanted was to finish school and have a good job now I wanted a great future for my baby. My priorities had started shifting and I had no idea.

Leaving school feeling tired but happy I walk to my room to get ready for my evening job. I had to earn money for food and now that I had to eat for two my budget had increased. The baby wasn't here yet and my finances had started feeling the strain already.

I worked at the food shack near my apartment building, our customers were mostly students from the university. The shack was always busy, i guess students were too busy studying to make their meals themselves but that was to my advantage. If my boss was happy it would reflect on my pay at the end of the week. Happy employer, happy employee.

Things were different today, i got really tired half way into my shift. The smell of fried rice that I usually enjoyed was making me nauseous, I was very irritable.

Could someone forget they were pregnant? Because I really did! I forgot about it till my boss made a joke about it after she offered me a plate of rice only to have me rushing to the bathroom to empty my stomach. She really hit the nail on the head.

I usually had dinner at work when my shift ended, it saved me money and my boss did not have to throw away leftovers.

I could not lose my job so I made an excuse about having a terrible day before dragging my tired self home. I could not tell her I was pregnant.

‘I guess we have to keep you hidden little demon' I say to myself caresing my belly. I used to wonder why pregnant women did that but now I guess it was just instincts..

This was the beginning of me and little demon against the world and no, do not ask me why I didn't tell anyone at the orphanage. They would never understand.