MATED TO MYSELF-The Alpha I Hated Is Me

4: Drawing Line

CHAPTER 4

Lyra's POV

I sat on the edge of the guest bed, staring at the plain white walls around me, my suitcase lay open on the floor where I had abandoned it an hour ago, clothes still folded inside because I couldn't bring myself to unpack them, unpacking felt too permanent, like accepting this nightmare was really happening.

My stomach growled loudly, reminding me I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday. I pressed my hand against it, trying to make the hunger go away through sheer willpower.

But my body wasn't cooperating. Another loud grumble echoed through the quiet room.

"You need to eat something," Kael said gently in my mind.

"I know," I replied silently, not moving from the bed. "But that means going out there. That means seeing him."

The thought of walking through Nathan's house, of potentially running into him in the hallway or kitchen, made my chest feel tight. What would I even say to him? How was I supposed to act normal when everything inside me was screaming?

"You can't hide in here forever," Kael pointed out, his voice carrying that patient tone he always used when he knew I was being stubborn.

"Watch me," I muttered out loud, pulling my knees up to my chest.

But my stomach had other plans. It growled again, even louder this time, and I groaned in frustration. Fine. I would go find something to eat, grab it quickly, and come right back to this room. I didn't have to interact with Nathan at all. His house was big enough that I could probably avoid him completely if I tried.

I stood up and walked to the door, pressing my ear against it to listen for any sounds of movement outside. Silence. Good. Maybe Nathan wasn't even home. Maybe he had left to go do whatever it was he did with his time.

I slowly turned the doorknob and opened the door just enough to peek out into the hallway. Empty. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and stepped out, closing the door softly behind me.

The hallway felt longer than it actually was as I walked toward the stairs. Every footstep seemed too loud, echoing off the walls. I kept my movements careful and quiet, like I was sneaking through someone's house uninvited instead of staying here because my brother had forced me to.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I paused again to listen. Still nothing. The whole house felt eerily quiet, like it was holding its breath.

I made my way to the kitchen and pushed open the door. The afternoon sunlight streamed through the large windows, making everything look warm and bright. Under different circumstances, I might have thought it was beautiful. Right now it just felt like enemy territory.

I walked straight to the refrigerator and pulled it open, scanning the contents. Nathan apparently lived on beer, leftover takeout, and not much else. Typical. I grabbed an apple from the fruit drawer because it required zero preparation and I could eat it on my way back upstairs.

"Really? An apple?" Ivy snorted in my head. "That's not going to do anything for you."

"It's better than nothing," I shot back silently, closing the refrigerator door.

I turned around and nearly jumped out of my skin. Nathan was standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed over his chest. How long had he been standing there? I hadn't heard him come in at all.

My heart started pounding so hard I could feel it in my throat. The apple slipped slightly in my suddenly sweaty palm, and I gripped it tighter to keep from dropping it.

"Hi," I said weakly, hating how small my voice sounded.

Nathan didn't respond. He just stared at me with those cold dark eyes, his expression completely unreadable. The silence stretched between us like a living thing, heavy and suffocating.

"I was just getting something to eat," I added, lifting the apple slightly like I needed to prove I wasn't doing anything wrong. "I'll go back to my room now."

I started to move toward the door, but Nathan didn't step aside. He stayed exactly where he was, blocking my exit. I stopped a few feet away from him, my pulse racing.

"We need to establish some ground rules," he said finally, his voice flat and emotionless.

I swallowed hard, gripping the apple so tightly my fingernails dug into its skin. "Okay."

"First, stay out of my way," Nathan continued, pushing off from the doorframe and taking a step into the kitchen. "I don't want to see you wandering around the house. When you're not in your room, keep it quick. Get what you need and go back."

Each word felt like a slap. I forced myself to keep looking at his face even though everything in me wanted to run. "Fine."

"Second, don't touch my things. Don't go into my room. Don't rearrange anything. This is my house, not yours." His eyes narrowed slightly as he spoke. "You're only here because of Marcus, and the second he gets back, you're gone. Understood?"

My throat felt too tight to speak, so I just nodded.

"Third," Nathan said, and now he was close enough that I could smell his scent. That same scent that had surrounded me two nights ago when we were tangled together in his bed. My body reacted before I could stop it, a warm flush spreading through me that I absolutely hated myself for feeling.

I took a step backward, needing distance from him. "What's the third rule?"

"Don't get any ideas about what happened between us," he said, his voice dropping lower. "It was a mistake. A drunken mistake that will never happen again. If you think you can use it to manipulate me or create some kind of relationship between us, forget it right now."

The words hurt even though I had been expecting them. Even though I knew exactly how Nathan felt about me. Hearing him say it out loud, in that cold detached voice, still made my chest ache like someone was squeezing my heart with both hands.

"I don't want a relationship with you," I said, and I was proud that my voice came out steady. "Trust me, that's the last thing I want."

"Good." Nathan's eyes searched my face like he was looking for signs that I was lying. "Then we understand each other."

"Perfectly," I said, lifting my chin even though I felt like I might cry at any second.

Nathan stared at me for another long moment, then finally stepped aside to let me pass. I clutched the apple to my chest and walked past him as quickly as I could without actually running. I felt his eyes on my back the entire way out of the kitchen.

I made it halfway up the stairs before my legs started shaking so badly I had to grab the railing for support. I forced myself to keep climbing, to keep moving until I reached the guest room and could close the door between myself and Nathan.

Once inside, I leaned back against the door and slid down to the floor. The apple rolled out of my hand and across the carpet. I pulled my knees to my chest and pressed my forehead against them, trying to breathe normally.

"He's protecting himself," Kael said softly. "He's scared of what he feels for you."

"He doesn't feel anything for me," I whispered out loud, my voice cracking. "He made that very clear."

"That's not true," Kael insisted. "I can sense things about him that you can't. There's more going on than you realize."

I wanted to believe Kael. I wanted so badly to believe that Nathan's cruelty was just a defense mechanism, that deep down he actually cared. But how many times could someone hurt you before you had to accept the truth? How many times could you make excuses for them?

"It doesn't matter what he feels," I said, wiping at my eyes even though no tears had fallen yet. "All that matters is how he treats me. And he treats me like I'm nothing."

Kael went quiet, which meant he couldn't argue with that. Because it was true. Whatever Nathan's internal feelings might be, his actions spoke clearly enough. He didn't want me here. He could barely stand to look at me.

I needed to survive three months of this. Three months of living in his house, following his rules, staying out of his way. Three months of feeling the mate bond pull at me every time he was near, of fighting against my body's response to his presence.

I retrieved the apple from where it had rolled under the bed and took a bite. It tasted like nothing. But I forced myself to keep eating because Kael was right, I needed food even if I didn't want it.

The afternoon dragged by with painful slowness. I tried to distract myself by unpacking my suitcase, but every sound from elsewhere in the house made me freeze, listening to see if Nathan was coming upstairs. He never did. But the constant anxiety was exhausting.

By the time evening rolled around, I was hungry again. The apple hadn't been nearly enough. But the thought of going back downstairs, of potentially running into Nathan again, made my stomach turn. Maybe I could just wait until I heard him go to bed. Then I could sneak down and grab something without having to see him.

I lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling, counting the hours until I could reasonably assume Nathan was asleep. My mind kept drifting back to our conversation in the kitchen. The way he had looked at me with such coldness. The way he had made sure I understood exactly how temporary and meaningless my presence here was.

"Stop torturing yourself," Ivy said impatiently. "Either go get food or stop complaining about being hungry."

"I'm not complaining," I muttered.

"You're thinking very loudly about it," Ivy shot back. "Which is basically the same thing."

I rolled onto my side and hugged one of the pillows to my chest. Through the window, I could see the sky darkening as night fell. The house had been quiet for over an hour. Maybe Nathan had already gone to bed.

"Kael?" I called out silently. "Are you there?"

For a moment, there was nothing. Then his presence flickered in my mind, but it felt strange. Distant, like he was very far away instead of right inside my head where he always was.

"I'm here, Ara," he said, but his voice sounded odd. Almost like an echo of itself.

"Are you okay?" I asked, sitting up slightly. "You sound different."

"I'm fine," Kael assured me, but I could still hear that strange quality in his voice. "Just tired."

That didn't make sense. Kael had never been tired before. He was a soul, not a physical body that needed rest. But before I could question him further, his presence faded back to its normal background hum.

I lay back down, staring at the darkened ceiling. Something felt off, but I couldn't figure out what. Maybe I was just exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of the past few days. Maybe I was reading too much into things because my own mental state was such a mess.

Sleep pulled at me despite the hunger gnawing at my stomach. I closed my eyes and let myself drift off, too tired to fight it anymore.

I didn't know what time it was when something woke me. The room was pitch black except for a sliver of moonlight coming through the gap in the curtains. I blinked slowly, trying to figure out what had pulled me from sleep.

That's when I saw him.

Nathan was standing in the doorway. His tall silhouette was unmistakable, backlit by the hallway light. He wasn't moving. He was just standing there, staring at me in the darkness.

My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't see his face clearly, but I could feel the intensity of his gaze like a physical weight. Something in his posture was different from earlier. The cold distance was gone, replaced by something raw and aching.

We stared at each other across the dark room. Neither of us spoke. Neither of us moved.

The air felt thick with all the things we weren't saying. My heart was pounding so hard I was sure he could hear it from where he stood. Part of me wanted to say something, to ask him what he was doing, why he was watching me sleep. But the words stuck in my throat.

Nathan's hands were clenched into fists at his sides. Even in the darkness, I could see the tension in his shoulders, the way his chest rose and fell with labored breaths. He looked like someone fighting against himself, like he was holding himself back from something with every ounce of willpower he possessed.

Then, without warning, Nathan turned and walked away. His footsteps retreated down the hallway, and I heard his bedroom door close with a soft click.

I lay in the darkness, my heart still racing, trying to understand what had just happened. What had brought him to my doorway in the middle of the night? What had he wanted?

And why, despite everything he had said earlier about staying away from each other, did it feel like something between us was about to explode?