DESIRE'S & FATE

Chapter *5*

HAPPY READING

Ryon POV

It was now the beginning of February and it only meant my dilemma rolled over heavily as the days unfold into the new month.

Life was supposed to be effortless and feels right when you find the one mom always said, but it does not feel that way. Nothing about this is effortless or feels right. I couldn't accept the fact that I was falling apart and I had no other than Sibel to blame for that.

Maybe she isn't the one a part of me wants to believe but how can I explain these feelings and the way my body reacts to her? The feel of her skin against mine, my palpitation heart when she is around. The sound of her voice was like music to my ears when she spoke and when she moaned my name the shock waves in my vein made my body come alive. How can I explain the way I can listen to this woman converse all night and be satisfied without f*****g her.

How can I explain any of it?

Sitting back in my office, nothing makes sense. Everything feels different with her, yet the same and it is aggravating, to say the least.

I sighed heavily.

"If a penny could buy those thoughts, I would," mom said, closing the door behind her, and I hadn't a clue how long she opened my office door. This was beginning to screw up my mind.

"Hey mom, what are you doing here?" I get up to greet her.

"Do I need an excuse to see my son?" she rolled her eyes and place her hand on her hip.

"Of course not. Not at all," I kissed her cheek and pulled out a chair for her. "I had a feeling I should come to see you. How are you?" she said straightening my tie.

"I'm okay mom. And how are you?"

"Much better now that I see you," she answered.

"Wonderful," I kissed her cheeks.

"What have you so preoccupied? Before you say nothing, just know I've birthed you, washed your p***s, and I've seen you nacked with Fiona."

"Mom," I chuckled for the first time this morning, remembering that day vividly.

"Now spill chile," she took her seat, and I'm left standing. "It's the hotel, there is so much more to get done before the inspection next week."

She stared at me for a few seconds, her eyes lowered, and then her mouth opened. "What makes you think you can lie to me? If you're going to lie tell a good one," she crossed her legs.

God, am I this predictable?

"Before you ask, yes, you are this predictable. I know my boys like the back of my hand. Now... are we going to do this the easy way, or do you want the hard version?" she straight face me.

I stared at her. She doesn't need to know this, but knowing her, she wouldn't quit. My mother had a sixth sense when it came to the people around her, and nothing made her back down. No matter how complicated or mingled I think my life is, in the back of my mind I always knew she could figure me out without trying. A part of me thinks it is the reason she wants me married.

"Are you just going to stare at me? She raised a threatening voice, and I sighed. "I have a lot on my plate mom, it's nothing I can't handle."

"Maybe if you were married you would have someone to put all the tension in your body at rest and help with whatever you need," she said, and oh God, not the talk coming on. It's the last thing I need at this hour of the day.

"Mom can we talk about this another time," I asked knowing the answer.

"No, we can not since you do not want to talk to me," she said. "And do not give me your bullshit nothing reply either." she air quotes the nothing.

"Mom."

"Why are you this stubborn child, I tell you one thing and you always make it a point to do the opposite," she said and it wasn't a lie.

I always thought I knew what was best for me and I planned everything the way it was supposed to be them came Sibel.

"Since you're not ready to talk to me, Ryon I will talk. I know as the middle child, you felt unseen. I know there were times you were pushed to the back burner because of the complications with Reyon's health as a child but I knew you were a strong boy, I knew you could handle it. You're a Menture for Christ's sake and us Mentures handle everything well," she looked at her hands on her lap before looking back at me.

"When Reign was sent away, I saw it took its toll on you, but there was never a time I didn't think you could not handle it. You're a very strong boy," she smiled at me. "Ryon, I saw how you cling to Fiona and Joseph's girls. I knew what you were doing, and I also knew the satisfaction you thought it brought you until it didn't, but you kept going back, hoping it would change everything. I should have said something but for the first time I saw you walk around like the king that you are and I did not rain on your parade," she said and I nodded.

"My boy," she gets up and takes me in her arms. "You can never run from love. It has a way of finding you, and when it does, you never can tell what hit you. I see it all in your face and I know you are the type that tries to get rid of your emotions especially when it is coming on strong but you can't hide it from me because you and I are exactly alike we wear our hearts on our sleeves. And far from it for you to believe you do not deserve it. Baby you do," she said.

"Mom, I don't know what—"

She wrapped her arms around me tight, and mom held me as I'd never been held before, and everything in me went quiet for the first time in weeks. "I'm right here when you're ready to talk," she ran the palm gently over my head with the other still around me tight.

Whoever said, mothers, know best wasn't kidding around.

I nodded into her shoulder, unable to speak or move. I felt my body vibrate but mom never let me go. "There is nothing wrong with love baby, it happens to every one of us and you don't have to feel ashamed because of it and I know your lil ass does not want to go insane because of it."

"I messed up, I... I." I sighed knowing that without a word mom was able to read me like a book. I knew the woman wasn't normal but this was next level the way she saw right through me. But the fear of the unknown, this feeling of wanting her like this scared me. I would usually be over a woman in a matter of minutes but this I felt for her wouldn't go away and I tried to believe that I tried. No matter the woman in my arm the guilt of hurting her always torments me. This couldn't be normal and mom was the last person I was convinced would be the one to understand.

"Shhh, it's okay." she takes my face in her hands. "Mistakes are meant to learn from." she took a seat and placed me in my chair behind my desk, and pull another to sit beside me.

"Is it Fiona or one of Joseph's girls?" she asked.

"Both," I answered.

"Which is worst?" mom asked.

"Fiona, I do not love and she does not love me..."

"But?" mom asked.

"She is pregnant," I answered waiting for her judgment but there was none.

"I see. And?" She asked shocking me with her calm exterior.

"With Sibel, I feel— I don't know what it is but I know what it makes me feel and she pure and sweet and gentle and, and..." I sighed. "I am afraid I will hurt her, contaminate her, or worst let her down and I don't know how to handle any of it."

For the first time, I voice my fears and listened to the words out of my mouth as it tightens the muscles in my chest. Sibel doesn't deserve any of this and I do not deserve her.

Sibel was simply too good for me. Even though I wholeheartedly believe that I do not want to let her go.

"Let me get this right—Fiona is pregnant by you and you're in love with Sibel," mom repeated and it doesn't sound any better. "I did not say, love," I said and she touch my cheek gently. "I should kick your ass right here but I'm going to let you lick your own wounds," mom said and I didn't understand a word of what she said and believed she would kick my ass. "I know you can not understand why she is the one to make you change everything, why she makes you want to be a better man, why she makes you question everything you've ever done. Son, it's because you love her." she takes my hand squeezing gently.

I looked at her quizzically with a scowl, then the realization made me sigh in defeat. I had figured out quite a while what my infatuation for Sibel was, I just didn't know everyone around me could see it. Believe me, it was the shock of my life and to know she reciprocate my feelings was a bigger shock. She never backs down and I love the way she challenges me. I never expected her to fall in love with someone like me— a man who used and tossed away women for his pleasure. She makes me see everything differently.

"You know I can see right through you," she chuckled but went right back to her serious demeanor. "Love is an action word Ryon and if you want it— in return you have to give it," mom said filling my head with a million and one more chaotic thoughts and questions. But the most prominent is how do I make this right with Sibel.

"Love is to be explored son and there is no running from it. Sibel is a lovely girl and I can imagine this will not go down well with her innocence. I can imagine you have to tell her but it is the right thing to do. I know it feels weird and I know it's harder to ponder but believe that when you are free of it there will be no more self-condemnation."

"Honestly I don't know what to do about it mom. I'm confused about what she needs and I know I should tell her but I don't know— and to have her look at me the way guilt has been killing me would kill me," I sighed.

She leaned back and looked at my entire face "let me tell you this son. If there is stuff you need to change about yourself feel free to do so, you do that for yourself and the minute you have accomplished your task don't feel bad for your past because you've learned from it but if you don't try then you will never know."

I sighed still not knowing what direction I was going to take but knowing mom was right.