Half life

So Lonely

“Hey where have you been? I’ve been searching for you all over the house. What the hell are you doing all alone here?”

Dad thundered furiously like an angry lion. I kept mute and kept staring into space absentmindedly.

“Amanda talk to me. I’m asking you a question for crying out loud. Do you realize I’m your dad? Show some respect.” Dad continued ranting breathlessly like a lunatic.

I exhaled deeply and turned to face him.

“I’m fine Dad. I just decided to come stay in the garden. I wanted some fresh air so I decided to come to the garden instead.” I replied calmly trying to sound polite as possible. Dad just kept looking on and didn’t speak until I finished.

“Well, I guess I overreacted. I'm so sorry dear. I shouldn’t have raised my voice at you in the first place. I’m so sorry I was just worried when I got inside and couldn’t find you. I searched everywhere practically inside there; your rooms, the kitchen, name it just everywhere. So I couldn’t help but worry. I thought maybe something bad happened to you and when I found you right here in the garden I couldn’t help but to raise my voice, Dad explained softly.

“It’s fine Dad, I know you didn’t mean to and it’s perfectly fine.” I replied pouting my lips in the process.

“You sure, huh?” Dad asked drawing closer to where I was standing.

I didn’t reply but hugged him tightly while he stood still and kept caressing my back. It’s now obvious something is definitely troubling dad but he is hiding it from me. I don’t blame him, if I were in his shoes I’d conceal my problems from my kid to especially an eight year old fragile and naïve girl. I sighed and broke away from the hug when I remembered he kept me waiting for hours all alone at home after dropping me off.

“So where were you since noon?” I asked curtly feigning annoyance. Dad smiled mildly trying hard to conceal his surprised look. I guess the question threw him off balance. I’d bet he wasn’t expecting any of these.

“Hey, little cutie easy easy. Thought I told you I wanted to go sort some things at the office?” Dad replied casually, battling to suppress his grin.

“You also forgot something Dad.” I cooed pouting my lips mischievously while dad looked on in surprise.

“And that was?” dad asked almost inaudibly in a hoarse but light voice. I smiled and replied,

“Your beautiful daughter of course. Remember you told me right in the car that you weren’t going to be long but you did afterwards. I guess you forgot me then.”

“No, dear I didn’t. Something came up and I just couldn’t leave without taking care of it. Nothing on earth is worth my beautiful princess. I can never trade you for anything dear. Don’t you forget Daddy loves you so much because you all I’ve got in this whole world.” Dad said pouring out all of his heart while I stood speechlessly and kept smiling broadly. Perhaps all he said was true maybe he meant them or maybe not. But I knew for sure that he sounded honest as though a repented ex-convict would do on his first day off prison sentence. Yes I could see it right in his eyes full with affection and sincerity to the brim and I felt the all of it.

“Let’s go inside sweetheart its getting dark already’’ dad muttered almost in audibly bringing me out of my silly thoughts and at that I led the way to the door.

The deafening silence reigning over the house for days welcomed us as we stepped into the dark spacious sitting room. Dad swiftly made his way in the still darkness towards the switch and turned on the lights and immediately the whole sitting room began to beam with white light spreading out sporadically from every angle of the sitting room in bliss and sent off the shear darkness like an outcast.

“Seems like someone here became a cleaner” I remarked in a sarcastic tone while peering sheepishly at Dad with the corner of my eyes as I gazed unceremoniously through the whole sitting room. Everywhere was sparklingly neat and clean and I knew better that it was all of Dad’s doings.

“Well, I had to you know especially now that it’s just you and I here in this whole house” dad replied sadly and sighed. I instantly felt bad and wished I never made that remark. I mean perhaps Dad wouldn’t have reacted this way. Yeah I do miss mum a lot too and sometimes I really wish she was here too but again Dad’s been trying to cover up for mum’s absence and it hasn’t been easy anyway. All these past few days without mum I must admit have been a mixture of different emotions surging unanimously through me. Some days I’d feel happy, sad most often relieved with dad around.

“Besides if I don’t do the cleaning who will? Certainly not you right? Not even when you were lying helplessly in a confined space they call a ward in the hospital nursing your pains all by yourself.” Dad added this time coldly with a stench of pain in his voice.

“Oh yeah Dad it’s fine. Everything is going to be fine, you need not worry okay?” I reassured soothingly pouting my lips like the 8 year old I was.

Dad smiled wearily and walked over to my side and pulled me into a tight hug, patting my back gently while I stood still reminiscing over the times I’d run over to mum whenever it was raining badly and lightning struck.

“Uhm yeah we have to make something for dinner.” Dad stealthily said breaking off gently from the hug and as well as me my thoughts.

I sighed softly and began to pull at the strands of hair lying on the left side of my face.