A Dragon's Heart

2.

I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't, even if I wanted to.

So I simply sat on top of the large canopied bed in the room, and stared at the burning pit of fire on the side burning on the iron bowl it was in, until it died down in the early hours of the morning.

And when I couldn't endure it anymore, I rolled into a ball, still wearing my wedding dress and bawled my eyes out.

My mind was a muddled mess. I couldn’t make sense of what had happened. We had just gotten married, weren't we supposed to spend the night together? Why did he seem in a rush to leave?

We got married. He said I was his wife. He called me that in three different languages. He looked at me as though I mattered. As though I was the only good thing in his life. He held me close to him, claimed my first embrace as a married woman. I thought that, just like me, he did not want to let go, and yet the moment we arrived here, he left me. He left me standing on the curb of a castle so high I couldn't even see its top.

Without so much as an explanation. Was this what my life would be? Was this what I left my home, my friends for?

Maybe he was worried too about our peculiar pairing? If that was the case, why didn’t he share his concerns with me? Maybe he didn’t mind being with a wolf, but being with me was the issue. Maybe he was having second thoughts? Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him and he was already looking for a way to break our union. Maybe my weight was another reason why?

‘First of all, that man was looking at us as if he could not wait to devour us. Why he left is still surprising and confusing as heck, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a logical explanation to all this. And second of all, since when are you worried about your weight and what anyone thinks?’ Jay suddenly snapped. It was her first time speaking since Bilal had left.

I sighed, swallowed hard and wiped at the tears rolling down.

‘Don’t get me wrong. He better have a good explanation for this when he gets back. Or else…’ the words trailed off as she huffed, puffing some air out.

I could feel the bubbling ball of rage slowly building from inside me, and it felt good to feel something different than sadness. Jay was right. All of this was on him. Not me.

Then why did I feel so empty? I felt unwanted. I felt weak for letting a man I barely know have this effect on me. And as much as I liked Jay, as much as my maid seemed like a kind person, I felt alone. So alone.

I had no Nat here, no Ummi. I barely caught a glimpse of my half-siblings and then we were on our way here.

I scoffed. This was ridiculous.

Even if I had someone with me, someone to tell me that everything was okay, I would not be able to believe them. This was not okay. This was our wedding night. He wasn’t supposed to leave me. He was my mate. Mates do not hurt each other.

If I had someone with me, I would want them to tell me I was right to be frustrated and sad. I would want them to hold me and help me plan how to give that man the biggest blue balls in the history of the dragon realm. Because he deserved it for leaving me without an explanation first.

‘That’s my girl,’ Jay whooped in my mind. ‘Dragon blue balls for his sidekick too!’

***

It was close to noon, and I woke up to find Samirah waiting by my bed with a silver bowl filled with water. My washing water, as she said. After a quick restless bath, she helped me into big trousers, which they call the sirwal and a knee-length gown.

All the bravado I had managed to gather yesterday was gone. I stared blankly at the mirror as Samirah wrapped the cream-colored shawl over my head, covering my hair fully.

“I made some pita bread, falafel, and labneh. I also boiled some gahwa. Would you like me to bring them all, Ya Sayyada (My Lady)?” Samirah asked as she stepped back, her head bowed.

I rubbed my temple, my head pounding from the lack of proper sleep and crying.

“I’ll take some gahwa for now,” I answered quietly, already familiar with the black coffee they seemed to be obsessed with. “Don't add any milk, please.”

“Na’am, Ya Sayyada.” She bowed slowly, then turned and left.

I sank deeper into the soft chair, allowing my gaze to travel around the room. Now that my mind wasn't filled with thoughts of Bilal and his decision to leave, I took in my surroundings, and something pinched at my chest.

He had been listening.

The maroon and cream colors adorning the room was something I had told Bilal during one of our short encounters. It was on one of his visits to Zambele, when I said it simply because he wore a maroon thobe that day, and I mentioned maroon being my favorite color, and cream color coming in second.

Three photo frames were on the wall. A picture of Nat, my best friend, and I. A picture of Ummi and I. And the picture Bilal had snapped of himself on my phone.

I swallowed fast and hard, my insides melting as my gaze finally settled on the small shelf standing on the corner, just beside my canopied bed with at least a dozen new books. I stood up, almost tripping over the soft rug as I took quick steps towards the shelf, scanning the books and the titles. My heart squeezed in my chest once more, and I didn't know what to make of it. All were books I never read, all of them part of the birthday wishlist only Nat knew about.

He had been listening.

More than that, he had been asking about me to people he knew I cared about.

‘s**t! I am not sure if I should still be mad or if I should be gushing right now,’ Jay sighed. ‘The fact that he remembered what you said in a passing discussion shows his level of commitment. So why did he think that leaving us on our wedding night was a fine plan? Erin was right. Men are so clueless sometimes.’

Indeed. I swallowed again, wishing that his actions didn't hurt this much so I could truly appreciate what he had done for me in this room.

I picked one of the books, a fantasy book about mermaids and sea hunters I had been wanting to get for months. I flipped open some pages, and just as I was doing that, a small piece of paper fell on the floor.

I closed the book, bent down and picked up the paper, and my eyes fell on some of the most beautiful handwriting I have ever seen, scrawled into a note that was both heartwarming, and heart-wrenching at the same time.

‘I’m not sure when you will be seeing this. But I do hope it is soon. While I do not wish for this book to take over my position in your heart, I do hope it helps to keep you entertained for a while before I get back to you. I will be back, and soon. Whatever notions you may have as to why I left are wrong. I want you, more than anything I have ever wanted, and I will prove that to you. Soon.

And when I do get hold of you, even the stars will bear witness to how much you mean to me, Nurayn. Missing you badly. Kisses.’

As weird as it may sound, the moment I read over the word ‘kisses,’ it felt like he was pressing kisses all over my face, my whole body shaking and shivering at the contact.

What was that? How was that possible?

‘That was hot, Tiff. Very hot. We need to have a chat about that blue balls plan we had.’