Torn between mates

62. Secret contentment

Alexus

“You can come close, Lea. Sit by my side. I won’t bite you.” I craved her presence and felt the pull, the bond’s call to be close to her as well.

But even without any bond, I would be drawn to this female. She felt, smelled, tasted, she was so good. 

She was art, adoration, perfection.

Lea swallowed hard but sat beside me, still keeping some distance. I could hear her heart racing in a musical rhythm. Why everything about her had to be so alluring as if she was a piece of art, a sculpture, and a symphony specially made to delight my senses? 

“The purpose of this rendezvous is to be close to each other. Otherwise, the discomfort that we are feeling won’t go away.” I said softly. 

“You are right...” she moved closer to me. “Are you feeling it too?” Her gaze met mine, her big golden eyes opened widely, and her rosy lips parted in surprise. 

“Of course, I am,” I said as I took her warm and soft little hand in mine, feeling the delicious tingles that the contact of our skin allowed. 

She enlaced her fingers with mine and looked at our joined hands as if it was something new and even fascinating. Maybe it indeed was. 

She was something new. She awakes something new inside me. She gave eyes and maybe even a bit of soul to my art and to some extent to me as well. 

I moved our joined hands up and kissed the back of her hand.

“Could you sleep well lately?” I asked, my voice was laced with an unfamiliar undertone. Did I even care about the quality of her sleep or anything of this sort? 

I didn’t know anymore.

“More or less. I’ve been dreaming about you.” She said, still looking at our hands.

“A dream in which you try to reach for me, but every step you take I look even more distant?” I asked. She looked up at my face, her gorgeous golden eyes even bigger with surprise.

“How do you know?” She asked after gasping. 

“I have the same dream, almost every night. We are connected, Lea.” I told her. There is an invisible pull, an extreme and mysterious force between us, so strong that should surpass that Goddess herself. 

“I know.” She muttered. “It will be good to have the bond more open. Sometimes I feel as if something is lacking in my mind. I’m looking for something there that I can’t exactly pinpoint, and this feeling of emptiness and unknown is a bit disturbing. There is something, an energy, a presence that must be there, but it isn’t.” She looks up at my face again, “I think it’s you.”

I didn’t expect that she could be so open after everything. Isn’t she afraid of being vulnerable? 

“I know what you mean. It’s me. And I can fill that emptiness. I can fill your emptiness.” My darling. And I yearn to do it, to fill you.

She flashed me a small, innocent smile. She was still so pure even after everything. A deeper purity that nothing and no one could take away from her. 

A purity that is her.

I moved our joined hands to my lips and peppered her soft and warm skin with small kisses.

“How about you? How are you feeling? Can you sleep well?” She asked looking genuinely concerned. 

Oh Lea, what’s your problem? You should hate me, but I’m glad you don’t.

“Not so well,” I replied. 

“I hope it will get better, after our meetings.” She said with a small smile, her eyes gazing at mine tentatively and then looking down at our hands. 

Those meetings won’t be enough. Hold her soft hand won’t be enough. I need her, completely, exclusively. I need her only mine.  

“Let’s open the bond more,” I suggested, and she nodded. 

I opened it and could feel her presence inside my mind, before it she was barely there. She felt so pure, crystalline. Her presence in my mind brought me a strange sensation, some kind of secret contentment. As if I had the impression that something good had happened but I couldn’t remember, pinpoint what. 

I wondered what she felt from my side of the bond. How did it feel to have me inside her mind? “How does it feel?” I asked. 

“What?” she questioned a bit confused, looking up at me.

“How do I feel inside your mind?” 

She smiled. It wasn’t a hesitant smile, it was a real one, but soon her gaze left mine. As if she was in some kind of inner battle. I will win this battle my darling, I will win you. 

“It feels cool, fresh like mint or a Fall breeze,” Lea said. 

Her answer surprised me. I thought I would feel ice-cold, like nothing. I thought I would feel as I feel myself. Someone who had somehow frozen all his emotions for a very long time.  “How do I feel?” she asked, and I could see those big pretty eyes lighting with curiosity. 

My lips curled a bit in a tiny smile. “You feel like something good. Good and warm.” 

I didn’t know how else to define it. She only smiled and I reached my hand to her face, caressing her cheek softly with the back of my forefinger before I brought our joined hands up to my mouth and planted a soft kiss on the back of her hand. 

I stayed there with her, feeling her skin. Talking to her about little and trivial things. Having her comforting presence inside my mind. Enjoying the unfamiliar sensation of tranquillity and wondering what I could do to have her. 

~ * ~

After some time that blasted mutt opened the door without knocking. He was an animal, what else to expect. 

“It’s enough. You’ve already spent too much time with her.” He barked out. 

It was ridiculous, I had hardly spent one hour with my own mate. 

Besides, he shouldn’t decide for her. He had to stop making decisions for her as if she were a little child. 

“No, it isn’t,” I replied. 

I stole a look at Lea, she seemed tense, stressed, her shoulders were stiffened. Stressed because of his intrusion, I was making progress with her before he came barking here. The mutt always ruined everything. 

“Please. Don’t,” she said softly, looking between the mutt and me.

I exhaled deeply, “More half an hour and then I go.” 

“Only five minutes more.” The mutt chimed in. His eyes were glowing, he was on the verge of shifting to his flea-infested wolf. I couldn’t understand how in his centuries-long life he could never develop any self-control. Such a concept must be too sophisticated for his low and animalistic intellect.

Werewolves are such low and uncivil creatures. 

“Twenty minutes, Richard. Only I know how much time I need,” Lea said, determination clear in her soft voice. 

He growled lowly, but nodded, leaving the room. He loathed me, he feared I would hurt her. If I were in his position, I wouldn’t want my mate to be with someone who did what I tried to do to Lea. I would fear for her safety as well.

But against their assumptions, I wouldn’t hurt her. 

Above everything, I was in awe. I was witnessing my mate, my Lea getting stronger, finding her own will before my very eyes. It was a fascinating transition. She was becoming a rare swan.  

~ * ~

Lea

This time with Kin… with Alexus felt different. As if for the first time he was actually there. I could also feel that he was actually there when he took me in his arms after he made love with me in our night together.

Oh, Goddess! I was so confused! 

Was he changing? Was the bond somehow changing him into someone who can love, who can be my mate? I wondered. 

He gave me many signs he was indeed changing, the way he was treating me now. 

The gleam of emotion in his formerly void eyes. 

The delicacy and tenderness of his touch.  

We actually had a real talk for the first time, and it felt… familiar, right, good.

I couldn’t deny it anymore, I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to be around him, in his arms. Could I forgive him? Even though what he did and intended to do was unforgivable?

I didn’t know what to feel. I looked at the white ceiling and murmured a question, a prayer, “Goddess, is he actually changing?” I sighed deeply. 

Part of me hoped so, still hoped so. 

I wasn’t ever able to give up on him completely, not even in the worst moment, not even when he was about to violate me. Some small hope always persisted. 

Hope. Is that the strongest or most stupid of feeling? Is it what helps one to strive in the greatest of the storms and renews one with new air or is it what makes one sink attached to false salvation? I wondered. 

Probably it was both. And I couldn’t avoid having this hope, I just hoped that this hope wouldn't break my heart once again. 

~ * ~

Avalon 

For the last few hours, Liv was burning up with fever. She was getting even worse lately and started shivering and calling Laius’ name in between deep whimpers. Alba and Valentin have already tried to help her, but all their efforts were in vain.

Elric and I were growing restless, desperate. 

“We need to do something! We can let her stay like this any longer.” I said in an edgy voice, seeing my mate in such agony was breaking my heart. A heart that I thought unbreakable. 

I knew that for her to be in bed whining, her agony must be unbearable. I was fully aware that my mate never bends to anything, not even to pain, and that she always tried to hide her troubles and suffer from everyone, even from us, her mates. My woman was stubborn even facing pain.

“We need to bring Laius here,” Elric said sighing in exasperation, I could see that he was also quite unsettled and sorrowful to see our beloved like that. 

“I am going to talk to him,” I exclaimed before I kissed my Liv’s hand. I was about to leave her bedside and go to Hell when Elric’s words stopped me. 

“I can go this time.” He said.  

I glared at him in utter surprise. How did Elric know that I have already talked to Laius? I have never mentioned it. Elves are so secretive sometimes. 

I only nodded my head, maybe Elric would have a stroke of better luck convincing Laius than I had some weeks ago. 

Otherwise, I didn’t know what else to do. 

Actually, I did. However, only the thought of it filled my mind with uneasiness. I would have to reach Her. Even though I made an oath to myself, I would never do it. But I would break this and any other oaths, to make my woman feel better, to take Liv’s pain away. 

I wiped her drenched forehead with a wet tissue tenderly, “You will be okay, baby. You will feel better soon.” I murmured. 

~ * ~

Mel

Today we had another encounter, we were meeting quite often, two or three times every week for the last month and a half. It was hard to part from him in the morning. But it was also hard to be without him. 

My soul needed him, needed me to be close to him, in his arms. 

Forgiving him directly, without him being able to even talk to me about his reasons and everything he did, wasn’t an option. Maybe that would be my first instinct. But I couldn’t do it. If I acted like this, I would give him carte blanche to disregard me, disrespect me, be selfish and not even communicate about it. 

He was quieter, looked thoughtful during the whole dinner. He seemed even a bit distant while he was making love with me. 

I wondered what was happening in his mind. His mind, a box of secrets, that I want to open but am afraid to see its content at the same time. It was like a Pandora box. 

I was in his arms, after our lovemaking. He turned to look at me. His gorgeous amber eyes clouded with worry, with unsaid words. 

“Melinda, I can’t do it in this way anymore. I’m your mate, I can’t be only your casual lover.” Maximus said.

What? He can’t do this anymore? What about everything he submitted me to for 30 years? I also couldn’t do it anymore, I had emotional breakdowns many times. I couldn’t do it and yet I always ended up coming back to his arms.

The mate bond was a curse, a spell I couldn’t resist. I wonder why the Goddess united me to a male that apparently had no soul of his own. I stood up with a start as if I had been stroked by a jolt. 

“You can’t do this anymore? For the Goddess’ sake! You made me wear a mask, I couldn’t see or hear my own mate for 30 years and you won’t even explain to me why properly. And YOU can’t have a casual relationship with me because YOU are my mate? Can you hear how ridiculous it sounds?” I asked, my voice was louder than normal. 

I don’t like conflicts or arguing. But hell, he took me to such a level of rage and indignation, that I couldn’t do anything else. 

“Melinda, please my beloved. I regret what I did for all these years. I regret so much that I caused you suffering. But I want more, I want to be with you and love you properly. Be your mate, be your male.” He said, sitting up and trying to reach for my hand. I took a step away, putting some distance between us. 

“It’s too little too late… This, having a casual relationship with you, was a mistake. I shouldn’t submit myself to that anymore. To be close to you, you only think about yourself. You only bring me pain and heartbreak.” I said as I started dressing.

“Please, Melinda. Don’t go, let’s talk.”

So now he wants to talk? “Go ahead. It will be a first since you never actually talk to me and you always avoid my questions.” I said with a sigh. 

“I love you.” He said as he scrubbed his face with his hands in aggravation. 

“It’s not enough. I should just go.” I said as I finished dressing up. He stood up and wrapped his hand around my arm, but I pulled it away immediately. No contact, no tingles. This way is easier to have a clear mind. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me anything, you let me suffer, to be consumed with guilt because you were afraid to lose your two nights per week with me. You are so selfish and a coward. I can’t bloody believe it!!” I said as I felt hot tears slide down my face. My mate is a horrible person. 

“I was about to tell you the truth about who I was. Just before you remembered our night together after Galvin drugged you.” He replied. 

“I should have accepted Galvin’s proposal to be his bride, that would be better and save myself from lots of heartaches…”  I said between sobs. 

“Melinda, you don’t mean it. He is a rapist.” He retorted aggravated. His gorgeous face tensed with uneasiness. 

“I mean it. Don’t even think you are much better than him. Because you aren’t.” Maximus isn’t a rapist, but he is selfish and cruel is his egoism. I sighed deeply trying to breathe between the high flow of tears that were blocking my throat and nose. 

I went out of the room and he followed me. 

“Don’t, Maximus. Don’t follow me. Respect my decision, treat me as a person for the first time in all these years.” I uttered between sniffles before I portaled away.  

He wants more. I was still not even sure if I wanted to continue with our ‘casual’ meetings. It brought me some relief, but also brought me equal amounts of pain, frustration, and something between resentment and hope that the things between us were different, had happened differently since the beginning. But not even the most powerful spell can change the past.