The Mafia Kingpins Lost Love

Chapter 6 - Guilty.

'If it's wrong to tell the truth, what am I supposed to do? when all I want to do is speak my mind, if it's wrong to do what's right, I'm prepared to testify, if loving you with all my heart's a crime, then I'm guilty'

~ Blue

Aria's P.O.V.

Have you ever made a decision for yourself which you don't regret making and shouldn't regret making if it meant you and your children were safe and away from toxic and dangerous people but every now and then you have a moment where you feel guilty and doubt whether you made the right decision or not.

Have you ever felt that way? because that's how I feel right now.

Whenever someone mentions Jordan, I immediately feel guilty for not staying in Italy and for not telling him that he had two beautiful and amazing children and I also feel guilty for not telling my kids about him either, even though they've never expressed any want or desire for a father like most normal kids do.

My mood automatically changes as well whenever Jordan is mentioned and old demons which I've tried so hard to keep control of always resurface as my brain focuses on the notable absence in our lives.

Don't get me wrong, I know I made the best decision for us by leaving Italy and hiding my babies existence from the Castillo famiglia because I know for a fact that if I had stayed then Jordan and our fathers would've already started grooming Gino to be the next head of the famiglia and I and our mothers would've been forced to groom my precious Giana into being the perfect housewife and mother, not to mention the perfect doormat for her future husband and his many mistresses by now but still.

Knowing that I made the best decision for me and my twins and knowing that I wouldn't change this decision for the world if I was given the opportunity to doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to feel regretful or hurt whenever I think about my ex and what we could've been as a couple or as a family.

I also can't help but to think about what kind of father he would've been to Gino and Giana had I stayed in Italy and we weren't a part of a misogynistic organisation.

Would Jordan have been a good and attentive father to them?.

Would he have loved them like a father should love his children? or would he have been just like his father and acted like a cold hearted asshole with them?.

Would he have treated our children the same way our parents treated us and raised us how we were raised turning Gino into a cold hearted asshole and marrying Giana off to another mafia Don's son for business and or political reasons?.

Would he have changed things so that our children could grow up differently from how we did or would he have kept things the same?.

I can't really speculate or wonder what kind of husband Jordan would've been because I already know for a fact that he would've looked after me and given me everything I could've possibly wanted in life including love and affection, he just wouldn't have been faithful to me, that's all.

Not to mention being forced to treat Jordan's whores like royalty would've f****d me up both mentally and emotionally and it would've destroyed every part of me until I was just a shell of my former self.

All in all, I know leaving Italy was the best thing for us and our futures but every now and then I'll get lost in my thoughts and feelings and I'll start to doubt the decisions and choices I've made for my life and it's all thanks to women like Mrs Kim constantly reminding me of what I gave up and what my kids and I don't have in our lives.

I let out a sigh as my eyes narrowed to a picture of my twins which was taken last Christmas.

Gino is wearing a blood red polo shirt and dark denim jeans with his short, dark hair styled in a combover and Giana is wearing a dress of the same colour with her hair styled in two braids.

The pair are a perfect miniature version of myself and Jordan and I just know that my ex would be so freaking proud of them if he was here with us.

Gino is every inch of his father from his short, almost black hair to his brown eyes and thick lips to his attitude, personality and his domineering and commanding persona which would've made him the perfect mafia Don when he's grown.

Even though he's only seven years old, Gino knows how to command an entire room and gain everyone's attention without even trying.

I've also heard some stories from his teachers that everything comes to a halt when Gino and Giana walk into the room and their peers treat them like royalty because of the aura my son gives off, it's crazy.

As for Giana, that little madam looks exactly like I did at her age with her long, raven coloured hair which has got a natural beach wave to it, she's got light green eyes just like me and thick, pouty lips.

She and Gino have also got the same olive skin tone as Jordan and myself and they've got the same birthmark that Jordan's got behind their ears as well, my daughter has also got the same attitude and personality as me which I'm not so sure is a good or bad thing yet.

Giana's the louder one out of her and her brother, she's also very inquisitive and will happily ask you question after question until she's satisfied with what she knows about you whereas Gino is more reserved and prefers to observe people and his surroundings than be quizzical because in his eyes people lie and actions speak louder than words.

There's also this little thing with my Giana which would've pushed mine and Jordan's famiglia to the edge and really put them to the test and it's this thing called a wolf in sheep's clothing or in my Gia's case, she's a little she-devil dressed up as a cute and innocent little girl and I just know that our famiglia's would've called her all kinds of disrespectful if we had stayed in Italy.

She would've happily run circles around the famiglia whether they liked it or not and Gino would have stood there like a protective bodyguard waiting to pounce on anyone who dares to harm his baby sister.

God, I love them both so much.

I love them and I know I've done the best thing I can for them to keep them safe but despite this, there's always gonna be a small part of me which will forever feel guilty and like I'm a bad mom for keeping them from Jordan and vice versa.

Knock!!, Knock!!.

"Come in, Marc"

"How do you know it's me?"

"Because you always knock with just one knuckle, first of all and secondly, my assistant would've buzzed me if it was anyone else"

I say as I continue to look at the picture of my twins and Marcello laughs.

"How very astute of you, mami"

He says whilst kissing my cheek and I smile.

"What's got you so quiet, Ari?"

Marcello asked me as he sat down in the chair in front of my desk.

"I was just thinking about...things, that's all"

"Really? what kind of things?"

Marcello asks me and I sigh as I give one last longing look at my two beauties before looking over at the handsome man in front of me who was looking at me intently.

"Do you think I'm a bad mom, Marc?"

"Ask me that question again, Aria Rivera and I'll spank your ass"

Marcello says sternly whilst glaring at me and I roll my eyes.

"I'm being serious, Marcello"

"And so am I"

He says and I once again sigh in frustration.

"What's gotten into you, Aria? why do you think you're a bad mother all of a sudden?"

"It's nothing"

"It's not nothing, Aria, now tell me"

Marcello commands me and I look down at my desk.

"Has this got anything to do with Mrs Kim?"

"Yes, no, maybe...I don't know"

I say whilst rubbing my forehead in frustration and Marcello lets out a sigh.

"Mami, look at me"

I looked up at Marcello whose sympathetic eyes met mine as he reached over and grabbed hold of my hand.

"You...are an amazing mother, Aria"

"Marc..."

"No, listen to me, Ari"

He says and I nod my head as he looks me over.

"I've been with you ever since we left Italy and I've watched you grow from a naïve, scared and dependent eighteen-year-old to the strong, powerful and insanely independent woman you are today...I also watched you during your pregnancy and afterwards, where you raised those two raisin looking kids into the amazing duo they are today"

He says and I chuckle.

I remember when Marcello first visited me after I had given birth to the twins and at first, he was so excited to see them properly for the first time but then all of his excitement quickly turned to confusion when he looked down into the two cribs and he looked at his niece and nephew with a what the f**k is this? expression on his face.

I was baffled and also kind of annoyed as to why he was looking at my kids like that so I asked him why but I wasn't prepared for what he was gonna say and I ended up laughing my ass off when he asked me why I had given birth to two California raisins instead of babies and I had to explain to him that all babies come out looking a little worse for wear at first.

He accepted what I said and he still continued to look at them like what the f**k? but at least now he understands that babies come out looking like they've just been shot out of a log flume without any warning when they've been born.

"I've seen you at your worst, mami and I've seen you at your best, I've seen you at your weakest and your strongest and I can honestly say that the woman sitting in front of me right now, is a far cry from the girl who escaped Sicily all those years ago"

Marcello says before lifting my hand up to his lips and kissing the back of it.

"You're an amazing woman, Aria, you're one hell of a businesswoman, you're the best little sister a guy could ask for but most importantly, you're the best mother this world has ever seen"

"Yeah, I'm the best mother even though I've kept my kids from their father and hidden their existence from everyone back home"

I say with a slight scoff as I looked down at our hands.

"Have you banged your head, Aria?"

Marcello says through gritted teeth as he glares at me

"No, why do you ask?"

"Because you must've done something to that noggin of yours if you're forgetting the reason why you ran away"

Marcello says whilst looking at me baffled.

"Do you not remember everything you heard Jordan and your father say on your wedding day? have you forgotten everything they revealed and expected you to put up with because you were unfortunate enough to be born as a mafia princess? did you forget what I told you about my own mother's sufferings?"

"Of course I haven't, Marc"

"Well then, you've got nothing to feel guilty for"

He says whilst gently squeezing my hand.

"You ran away because you didn't want to live the same miserable life as the mafia queens before you and because deep down you knew that you were destined to be more than just Jordan Castillo's wife and Donna and you knew your children deserved better than to grow up and be pawns in the mafia game"

"I know"

I said with a sigh as I ran a hand through my hair.

"I just can't help but to feel guilty for keeping Jordan's kids away from him and keeping the twins father away from them...I know I had good reasons to, I just...I don't know"

"It's ok to feel guilty, mami but you shouldn't because in my opinion, you've got nothing to feel guilty for"

Marcello says before grabbing hold of the picture of my twins and holding it up in front of me.

"Look at these two faces, Ari, just look at them"

He says and I did what he said even though I didn't have to because their beautiful faces have been permanently ingrained in my mind forever.

"You did this, you raised these two incredible children and you're the reason why they'll never have to live the life of being a misogynistic asshole prick or live the life of submissive servitude"

Marcello says and a stray tear rolls down my cheek.

Knowing what I saved myself and my kids from is the only thing that's stopping my guilt from growing and manifesting into something bigger but it doesn't completely ease the guilt and I doubt it ever will.

"Don't cry, mami"

Marcello says as he wipes away the tears from my face.

"You're an amazing mom and you've raised two amazing children, don't you ever forget that"

"Are you saying this because you also raised them as well and you wanna brag about how amazing they are because it shows how great your parenting skills are as well?"

I ask with a slight smirk as Marcello's smile grows bigger and turns into the cheeky smile I know and love so much.

"We did do a good job, didn't we?"

He asks me and I chuckle.

"Yeah, we did"

I say with a smile.

"Now, there's the smile that I love and adore so much"

Marcello says and I feel a faint blush on my cheeks.

There never has and there never will be anything between Marcello and me but the bastard still knows how to make me blush like a virgin on her wedding night when he compliments me and he always loves to point it out and make it worse when I do.

"My Miss Rivera, I do believe you're blushing"

"Shut up, Marc"

I say and he chuckles as I reach for a tissue to dry my face.

"Anyway sweetheart, we've gotta go, we've got a meeting with the team from Prada to go over the final details for the show on Friday"

"Ok, just give me a minute to fix my face and I'll be with you"

"I'll wait for you outside, mami"

"Ok"

Marcello leaves my office and I quickly fix my make-up and run a brush through my hair before leaving my office for this meeting.

Wish me luck because I'm gonna need it.