The Lifetimes I Remembered

Chapter Twenty: Ivan

Ivan waited for the text from Hannah to tell him that it was alright to call. But he had been waiting for his phone to notify him for hours and he was growing tired. Hazel kept on asking questions when they arrived home about him and Hannah and it irritated him that she did so. He hated the truth that nothing was actually going on between them, that he was just simply following around her like a lost puppy and that he just simply wanted her to notice him.

“If you keep staring at your phone that way, I’m afraid it might melt.”

He looked up and met Hazel’s eyes. She pushed the door and headed to where he was seated on the top of the steps of their patio. Ivan sighed. “I don’t want to answer any more of your questions, Hazel.”

“Why does it bother you?”

He rubbed the palm of his hand on his nose, his irritation rising again and he tried his best to shove it back down. “Because I hate the truth that nothing is going on between Hannah and me.”

“You really like her, huh,” Hazel commented, sitting beside him. He looked at his step-sister and for the first time, noticed a flash of hurt in her eyes, “You looked at her the way the old you looked at Grace. With so much adoration. For a minute there…”

“What?”

“I just thought that when you had the accident and completely forgot about everything, I thought you could magically remember the love you had for Grace. I thought you crushed on Hannah because she was new and the only one who didn’t force you to be who we all remember you,” Hazel explained, “I actually thought you’d get back with Grace at one point or fall in love with someone else.”

“But not with Hannah?”

Hazel sighed and shrugged. “I guess she is the obvious choice here. But then, you have people around you.”

“I’ve pushed people away,” Ivan pointed out.

Hazel closed her eyes and pulled her legs closer to her chest, wrapping her arms around it. “But a lot of us stayed, Ivan. A lot of us hovered around you but you didn’t really see us.”

Ivan turned to face her. “What are you trying to say?”

“That there are people around us that we don’t see. People whose feelings are laid bare for you to look at but you never do,” Hazel whispered, “Like Dominic.”

Ivan paused. “What?”

Hazel smiled sadly. “Hannah told me how she and Dominic grew distant, even before her older brother died and it’s only now that they’ve rekindled the relationship they had before and every time I see Dominic around her, it’s clear that there’s more than just brotherly love going around there.”

“But they’re siblings!” Ivan argued although he saw it too. He felt it. “That would be labeled as incest.”

“And Dominic had known for a long time that he’s adopted,” Hazel countered and then looked at Ivan seriously, “There’s something about the way he looks at her that tells me there’s something more.”

“It doesn’t matter if Hannah doesn’t feel anything.”

“But what if she doesn’t feel anything for you too?” Hazel patted his back and stood up, “I’m heading back in to catch up on schoolwork. You should do the same thing. I’ve heard teachers saying you’re slacking off.”

Homework was the last thing on his mind. He rushed inside and grabbed his keys before hopping on his motorbike and rushing to Hannah’s home. He wasn’t even sure why he had suddenly wanted to see her nor did he even know what he was going to do once he got there or how he could even explain why.

All he knew was that he wanted to see Hannah at that moment. Hazel’s comment seemed to have switched on something inside of him that turned him into a man possessed to see the girl that his heart had loved for every lifetime.

The lights on Hannah’s home were all turned off but she could see flickering inside. Someone was watching TV. He wondered if he should knock and make his presence known but then thought about it. He crept near the window and peeked at who was inside. He wasn’t sure how he would approach Hannah’s mother could she be the one to open the door. Or how he would explain why he was there if it’d be Dominic.

In front of the TV, two figured sat on the sofa, leaning closely against each other. Ivan felt his a pang in his heart, the sight so intimate in his eyes. He jaw clenched and he closed his eyes, leaning his head on the window sill, trying to even his breathing. He fought every urge to rush inside and yank her away from Dominic.

But what right did he have?

Slowly, he trudged back to his motorbike and hopped on, his mind still reeling at the sight he had seen. It wasn’t as if they were kissing or hugging. In someone else’s eyes, they could pass up as a brother and sister bonding. But in his, it was much different and suddenly, flashes of the two of them in a previous lifetime crept in his memory.

It wasn’t only this lifetime that Dominic was his competition.

It was in every one.

. . .

The following day at school, Ivan tried to act like what he saw last night didn’t bother him but he knew that it showed. When he headed downstairs for breakfast, Hazel had asked where he had gone to last night but he didn’t answer. She then commented that he looked like a mess.

He did.

His dark hair was a mess and there were shadows under his eyes because he couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see were Dominic and Hannah cuddled together. Together. The picture was too engraved in his mind for him to just brush off.

“You look like a mess.”

He knew that voice and when he looked up, his heart warmed at the sight of the golden eyes he wanted to only look at him. “Hi.”

Hannah smiled and his heart did somersaults. “Hey, Ivan. I don’t think it’s a very good morning to you.”

“It is now,” he answered smoothly and then gently grabbed the books she was hugging from her. He’d been doing this all week for her, carrying her books or other things that she was holding and walking her to every class she had. At first, he wondered if it bothered her, but then, she would’ve said something if it did.

“So we still on after school?” Ivan asked, handing her back her Calculus book as they reached her classroom.

“About that…” Hannah started and then winced slightly, “Dominic wanted to come.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “He doesn’t even know Juliet.”

Hannah cringed at his tone and he chided himself for even using it. He didn’t mean to but merely mentioning Dominic irritates him. “He’d like to be there for Emerson.”

“Does he know Emerson?”

Hannah shook her head. “No.”

“Then why?”

“Because Juliet is important to me too. I never mentioned it to him but I think he saw the way I reacted when she was hospitalized. I freaked out too, Ivan,” Hannah explained and sighed, shrugging her shoulders, “He wants to be there for me.”

“Seems like he’s doing a really good job as your brother,” Ivan commented, his tone sarcastic, “But wait, he’s not even your real brother.”

Hannah glared at him. “What’s suddenly got your boxers in a twist? He’s there for me and I don’t care if he’s there because he’s my brother or if he’s there as a best friend.”

“I’m there too,” Ivan countered, his voice suddenly vulnerable, “What am I to you?”

She opened her mouth to respond but closed it abruptly, unsure of what she was even supposed to say. Something flashed in her eyes and the hesitation that he saw broke him. She tried to speak again but the bell rang and he knew he had to walk to his class or else he’ll be late.

With hesitation, he slowly turned his back on her and began to make his way to his class. “Ivan!”

He turned back, “Yea?”

“I’ll see you after school. We’ll go see Juliet,” she said, her voice strong, “Just the two of us.”

. . .

Ivan was looking forward to the day to end. He was waiting for Hannah to exit the main doors. He was already on his motorbike. His eyes were glued to the main door, waiting for a certain blonde to make her exit. She exited with Hazel by her side and she headed to where he waited with a smile on her pretty face.

Seeing the smile on her face erased all worries in his mind.

He handed her the helmet that was meant for her. “You ready to go?”

She simply nodded. “Yea. I texted Emerson that we’re coming. She said that was a good thing because had a few things to pick up at their house.”

The drive to the hospital was short, it only took about ten minutes but Ivan savored the minutes that passed where Hannah leaned onto him and wrapped her arms around her waist. She was getting used to motorcycle rides but what made him happier was that she was getting used to his presence.

Juliet was awake when they arrived and Hannah immediately went to her side. The sight of Juliet made Ivan remember the dream he had a few ago, when Juliet had told him to let Hannah make a choice, to stop controlling her, the argument that it led the both of them to. It bothered him, it made him wonder why Juliet was so passionate about letting Hannah make a choice.

Because didn’t Hannah, in that lifetime, choose him?

“Ivan.”

He looked up when he heard his name called. Emerson had already left and Juliet and Hannah were quietly talking to each other. He gave them their privacy, burying himself in a game on his phone. Hannah looked at him with her beautiful eyes and said, “I have to go get something to eat. Would you like something?”

He shook his head.”No. Do you want me to come with? Or do you want me to get food for you?”

She shook her head and stood up. “No. Stay here with Julie, ‘kay? I’ll be back in five minutes.”

Ivan took the seat that Hannah had occupied and smiled at Juliet. “Hey, Juliet. How are you feeling?”

Juliet simply looked at her with furrowed eyebrows and for a moment, he thought that she was struck by her sickness again, that her memory had betrayed her but she slowly reached to touch his face. “You had an argument.”

“What?”

“Hannah is still easy to read. She kept glancing at you when I asked about Dominic.”

Ivan was silent. Juliet was Hannah’s friend in a previous lifetime. “It wasn’t an argument.”

“You said that all the time,” Juliet said and smiled sadly. “It’s sad that even in this lifetime, you’re no different from the Ivan I know.”

Ivan looked at her, shocked and she just slowly smiled. “My disease might be eating my memory but the truth is too hard to forget. You two are not the versions of yourselves that I was friends with. I know that.”

“H-how?” Ivan whispered, still unable to comprehend what she was saying.

But Juliet just merely shrugged. “I’m not really sure but I’ve been dreaming of the two of you. And I’m sure that I was present at both your funerals. So seeing you two alive and in front of me, without ever changing told me that the truth that the Hannah that I knew speculated, was true after all. And it seems like the two of you remembers me too.”

He slowly nodded. “I do. You were Hannah’s best friend.”

Juliet nodded and smiled. “I am.”

“You said Hannah, the previous one, knew what’s going on? Why we’re remembering things?”

Juliet smiled sadly. “She knew the truth, Ivan but that does not mean that you are entitled to know it too. One day soon, you will. But before that day comes, do not make the mistake of letting your feelings overrule you. Not again.”