The Billionaire's Nanny

41

I stiffened immediately as the words left his mouth. My eyes darted for a second hoping I would see her. Maybe he had seen her, maybe it was really not what my mind was thinking, maybe I had started to hear things or my tired brain had started to mix things up. 

"f**k, Sarah," 

The words rang heavily in my head, and without even knowing it, I cried much harder than before. Lucas realized too really late what he had said, I could tell that from the way he also froze. His hands were still holding my cheek and his lips were still only an inch away, but the deed had been done. The deed had been f*****g done. 

"You called me by her name," I whispered because that was all I had the strength to do, whisper the heavy words. 

"What?" 

"You just called me Sarah," I pushed him away with enough force to make him stagger back as he watched me in surprise, and I could not tell that was more out of his words or my actions. 

"God, what have I been doing?" I raked my hand through my hair, as my tears flowed uncontrollably. "I cannot believe I deluded myself into believing you were actually seeing me, that you were really with me for one minute."

"Don't say that Muffin," he reached a hand out to hold me, but I jerked back, shifting as far away from him as I could possibly be. 

"It was her all along," I chewed on my tongue so hard it almost burst open but that pain was not nearly compared to the pain weighing on my heart. "When you kissed me, it was her you saw..."

"No...God No..." he tried to explain, but I had taken more explanation than I needed. 

"When you told me you wanted me, it was really her you wanted," I yanked my hand in my hair and threw my head back, but that only made fresh tears build, "When you f****d me, it was her right?" 

He stalked closer again, attempting to hold me again, with a pained expression on his face, "Just give me a second to speak Chris," he pleaded. 

"Well I should not be nearly surprised," I forced a laugh, but only ended up sobbing, "we have the same face, so why not replace us for each other, you forgot one thing though. I have emotions, we have emotions," I yelled the last part, "emotions that you cannot just toy with to help you get over your ex-wife, and you are not f*****g allowed to hurt me the way you have been hurting me this last week, you are not!" 

"f**k Chris would please calm down," he yelled back, running a palm over his face roughly, tension rippling through his beautiful features. "I do not know where that came from but I promise Chris, I really did not mean to do that. God, I got over her a long time ago." 

"Is that why you have a room, no," I held a finger up, "a shrine to commemorate her?" his shock only deepened as I spoke, "that's right, I went there Lucas." 

My mind flashed with the bitter memory of everything I had seen inside. Thick dust covered the furniture, and heavy cobwebs hung so low from the ceiling that I had to take a rod to clear them up before walking through. 

There was a bed, unmade, with the sheets ruffled and female clothes scattered all over the bed, it was not hard to tell whose. On the nightstand, there was an unused packet of cigarettes, with a single half-used one and a lighter lingering nearby. On the wall hung hundreds of pictures, and I wiped the dust off a few of them with my thumb. They were all hers, theirs.

It was once their room, their sanctuary. And you invaded it. 

Memories of what they had before they separated from each other. The pictures portrayed their perfect life, her perfect life. And Lilian was not lying when she said the woman was beautiful. We had a strong resemblance, but anyone would see that she was not me. 

I was not her.  

There were pictures of them together, receiving an award for her, and another of them riding a horse together, and another of them on their wedding day, and as I looked at each picture, I could not help but wonder, if Lucas would ever let go of her. He looked so happy, so at peace, loved, an expression I had never really seen on his face with me. 

I got my answer as I turned around to see the neat stack of papers on the table. I wandered closer and realized they were not just papers, they were mails sent off to someone and there had to be a thousand of them from the way they were stacked from the floor up above the table. 

I picked up a letter, coughing from all the dust billowing around me. It was the most recent and it was dated the day I had arrived for my interview with Mia. It was no surprise that the letter held words addressed to Sarah, from Lucas, telling her how much he missed her, how much he wanted to have her back, how hurt he still was that she had ended their marriage, and the one that hurt most, how he could never let anyone else into his heart because she owned his heart. 

After reading the last line, all I felt was a defeat, a hint of betrayal maybe, hurt and pain too. A lot of the last two.

He had been writing to her up until the very day I came here. He had not sent any of the letters, but in each of them, he had poured his heart so much, I felt like the intruder in what could have been a perfect life for them. 

After reading only two, I decided I did not need to read the other letters. I had taken more hurt than I really deserved for just loving him. He would never get over Sarah, she was his very life as clearly stated in each letter. The thought made my heart ache and my eyes swelled with tears. I should not have gone there, I really should not have f*****g gone there. 

All I received was one slap in the face after another by Sarah. She probably knew he had not gotten over her, that could have been the only reason she was so sure Lucas would be hers again and after the events of tonight, I was damn sure I had lost him, actually at this point I was positive I never really had him. 

"I told you not to go there," he muttered, a defeated look on his face. 

"Why?" I chuckled lightly and humorlessly, "Because you did not want me to know you were only using me?" 

"Stop saying that," he said with deadly calmness. 

"Or that you were thinking of her every damn day, while you led the world on to believe she was long gone in your heart?" 

"Stop!" 

"Or no wait, were you trying to hide the fact that she is your very life?"

"I said f*****g stop it!" he roared, making me jerk up in fear, "stop reminding me of her." 

"Well, I don't think my reminder is needed, seeing you have a whole museum of memories to help you out," I laughed, and that only triggered more tears to flow endlessly.

"It's not a museum Chris, please try to understand me," 

"Understand what?" I exploded, stalking close to him, "that you pretend to forget her, but keep her memories so close to your heart? That you keep holding on to her even though she let go of your years ago," I poked my hand through his chest as I spoke but he did not seem hurt in the very least, "that you purposefully hurt yourself because you keep lying to the world and your damn self that you are over her? Well maybe you need a dose of reality sir," he winced at my new title for him, but I was way past caring. I tipped my head higher, refusing to back down, "you do not get over one woman by using the other as a bed warmer. I was so close to falling in love with you," lies, I already fell in love with you. "but I realize now that you do not need another woman to love because you have one whom you have reserved all you love and affection for, all you need is a bed warmer," 

"I do not love Sarah, Chris, not anymore," he grabbed my hand and yanked me into him, "and you are not a bed warmer to me!" 

"I never said I was," I wiped my eyes and pushed his hand away, he gave a struggle but hesitantly let go, "because I refuse to be the toy you use as a facade of getting over Sarah." 

"Please stop saying these things, Chris," his eyes were heavy and if I was not feeling as hurt as I felt I would have cared about the pain he was clearly going through too. 

"Key, I have to get out of here," I stretched my hand out for the bedroom key. "I don't know what I was thinking all these weeks, I must be the biggest laughing stock of the planet, I really f*****g thought we had something special. I guess I'm more delusional than I thought." 

He opened his mouth to speak but I wiggled my hand, morphing my face into the most unreadable expression I had ever had to have. "Key,"

"Where are you going?" 

"Away from you," I said with enough sharpness to hurt him as much as he had hurt me. 

"I do not want you to go away from me Chris," he stepped closer, trying to come close one more time, but I was already intoxicated enough for one evening, I did not need to feel more intoxicated by his presence. 

"Funny," I shrugged, "I think what you meant to say is you do not need to stay away from the woman your heart belongs to, Sarah. Good thing she is back." 

"You're letting her come between us," he said and I did not miss the note of accusation in his tone. 

"I can't believe you just said that," I laughed, shaking my head, "please just let me go."

With a deep sigh and a lot of reluctance, he fished the key from his pocket, clutching it so hard his knuckles were white. "I'm only giving you time to sort your thoughts out Chris because right now we both need a clear head to think and that wine had more effects than it should have tonight,"

"A drunk tongue is an honest one," I spat and despite myself, I shot him a coy smile, "plus just because we'll be much sober in the morning, does not mean I am changing my mind, I am not going to stand between you two anymore." 

"What does that even mean?" 

I stretched my hand further, knowing he would not let me out if I said the next words. It would hurt me a lot more than him, but I would survive someway, I always did. He was reluctant to give the key, so I dug my fingers in his, ignoring the way my body sparked at the contact. Just the mild touch from my hand on his and my body was already betraying me. This was going to be harder to keep up, but I did not have a choice. Not when his entire being was still wrapped around Sarah, my heart could not take any more pain. 

He released his hold on the key, giving me a pained expression that only mirrored the pain I also felt, I fought the urge building on me to reach out and comfort him because it was already taking enough strength to do this. 

"It means that I..." I paused unable to hold back the tears that spilled down. "I'm sorry Lucas." 

“Chris.” He looked at me with a sadness that pierced through me, but this time, he didn’t come any closer. “Please.”

I closed my eyes, unable to take the sight of his beautiful face, and shook my head turning towards the door. “I can not do this.”

I could feel his burning gaze through my skin as I slid the key through the keyhole, clicking open the door. Without looking back, I staggered into the hallway, ignoring his frantic calls after me. 

Despite the pain that tore through me, I managed to find the solace of my bed. I closed my eyes, but that did nothing to shut out all of the painful flashes that crawled up my memory. Clutching a pillow, I dug my face into it, ready to pour out my heart until the pillow was soaked enough to drown it all away.