Torn Between Two

Ten

I wake up the following morning seemingly more at peace than I have ever been. Thankfully it's the weekend and I don't have a shift at the coffee house today or tomorrow. Alex is supposed to be stopping by later on to come shopping with me for the little things I can easily make for Thanksgiving, even though I'd rather just buy some turkey slices, bread and call it a day.

However, maybe I can make a few extra plates and distribute them to the people I always see asking for money whenever I exit the supermarket. There is this one lady that asks for spare change who has the cutest little chihuahua with her. I always make sure to throw her some money I have left over after food shopping, and some dog food for her little guy. She appreciates the help, even if it's not much.

I stretch and make my way to the coffee pot and wait for it to brew. As I look out my window, I can see Cole pacing back and forth, seemingly talking to himself. I have got to admit that he has gotten more handsome over time. I always thought he was good looking, and could always melt a girls heart with his gorgeous eyes and simmering smile. He still has that bad boy look to him, still dressing in his favorite color black, yet he seems more grown.

The sight of him now brings back our inevitable reunion last night. Seeing him, being in his arms, it felt so.....right? Call me crazy but I felt nostalgic for our time together back in the day. I don't even know what the hell I am even thinking. I loved his brother years ago but I did love Cole just as much too, just not in the same way. Did I ever feel something for him? I don't even know anymore.

Holy s**t.

What the hell am I doing to myself?!

I shake the absurd thought from my head and watch as he makes his way to my building. The tiniest smile graces my face when I hear the doorbell ring. I buzz him in without even asking who it is, and not even two minutes later does he come knocking on my door. I open it to see just how indecisive he is and a bit confused.

"How'd you know it was me?" He asks while passing me to come inside.

"I seen you pacing back and forth like a chicken without its head outside. You okay?" I ask making my way back to the coffee machine, grabbing two cups from the cupboard above. I pour coffee into each one as Cole just watches my every move.

"Coffee?" I say holding the cup out for him to take and he does. I pour some sugar and creamer into mine as I watch him just drink it black.

"How do you drink it like that?" I ask making a cringe face and he laughs.

"Like what sweet cheeks?" He says and the familiarity of the nickname does something to me. I haven't heard that name in forever. Used to hate it with a passion. Now? Not so much.

"With nothing in it. It seems, I don't know, gross to me. I need sugar and creamer in mine. Guess you're not the only weirdo to like their coffee plain. You wouldn't imagine the ways some of my customers ask for their coffee. Gives me a headache by the end of my shift." I say sitting down on my couch and criss cross apple saucing my legs on it. He comes to sit down with me and we remain in silence for a beat.

"I tore my brother a new one last night." He says out of nowhere nearly having me spit out my coffee. I turn to him with the only aggravated expression on my face.

"s**t Cole. Why would you do that? That just makes things worse for me. Besides, he is your brother. So what if he hates me? You can't just go beating him up for it. I've come to accept it. I am not going to be the girl who divides someone's family. Not happening. He is your family. Not me." I belt out mentally freaking out. I can feel my anxiety skyrocketing so I jump up needing to walk it off. I watch as he places his coffee cup on the table and just sits there staring at me while I am busy pacing back and forth, biting my nails.

I can't catch a break.

He rises from the couch and comes towards me. He grabs me and holds onto my arms demanding that I look at him.

"You don't know just how much I would do for you Hannah, do you? I've been lying to myself and to you for so long. I tried my very best to keep my feelings to myself and to step aside so my brother could come sweep you off your feet all those years ago, after digging his head out of his a*s but now.....shit Hannah. Things are vastly different now. I always knew there was no way you'd leave without saying goodbye. I knew something happened and I knew you'd come back. I didn't my know when but I knew. s**t. What I am trying to say is that I'd travel the depths of hell to protect you....to be with you.....to be there for you." He says and I just stand there stunned into silence. This is a lot to process right now, but, baby steps I suppose. How did I not know he felt this way?

I continue to just stare at him without saying a word but I need to snap out of it before he thinks what he has said to me doesn't mean anything to me. It means everything to me. I just can't see past it right now. All those times I cried about his brother not wanting me, he did? How was I so blind to that?

"You were one of my best friends back in the day and I don't want to lose that. I want to start fresh Cole. I don't want to lose you. For right now I can only be your friend. I do love you Cole. I love everything about you but we need to be reasonable. I was in love with your brother not too long ago and those feelings don't easily go away. No matter how much he hurts me, that want is still there. That is exactly why I do not want to come between you two. I'm sorry." I say and he just nods his head, releasing me from his grasp and walking back to sit on the couch. The pang of hurt hits my heart with the way he looks right now. I take a deep breath and go to sit next to him. To somehow get ourselves out of this funk, I grab the tv remote and hand it to him.

"Netflix and chill?" I offer with a smile which he accepts immediately. He nods and gives me a smile that doesn't really reach his eyes. I lean back and cozy up as I watch him search for something to put on. He finally settles with a Marvel movie marathon. We remain like this until the doorbell rings again, remembering Alex was supposed to come over.

"s**t. Sorry Cole. I made plans with Alex to go food shopping for Thanksgiving." I say as I walk to buzz in Alex.

"You're not celebrating the holiday alone are you?" He asks with worry.

"It's for the best. Alex offered for me to come celebrate with her family but the way I get during the holidays is something I don't want to spread. Holidays aren't the same for me anymore and I'd rather celebrate alone than destroy anybody else's." I say as I open the door for Alex. She walks in with the brightest smile until her eyes land on Cole then making their way to me with confusion. Cole just stands there with a blank face, probably running what I said through his mind again and again. For some reason, I know he will try and have me reconsider Thanksgiving. He has always been that stubborn.

"Cole, Alex. Alex, Cole." I introduce them and they nod their heads at each other.

"I'll catch you later Hannah." Cole says before walking out the door. Once he is out, Alex looks to me with the only, you better spill every detail kind of look and I sigh.

"You have two choices. Long as hell story or grocery shopping." She puts her finger to her mouth tapping it.

"Story time." She says and I laugh as she laughs along with me. I trust Alex and she has done nothing then be a great friend. No time like the present to rehash the past. After breaking down the whole story for her, detail after detail, she sits there with her mouth hanging open, in shock.

"Holy hell Hannah. Are you for real right now? That.....that is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard. I'd be a hot mess day in and day out. How are you handling all this like a pro? I don't understand how Justin could be so cruel to you. Does he know the truth like Cole does?" I can see her mind running a thousand miles a minute.

"I don't believe so. He truly thinks I left to live the fancy life. The life of the rich and famous. I don't get how he can see me being that kind of person to just up and leave on purpose, but, if he chooses to believe that then who am I to try and convince him otherwise. He's moved on and eventually so will I. I just don't think I could ever choose between them. They are brothers Alex. Brothers. I can't place myself in the middle and tear them apart. I'd hate myself and then they'd both come to resent me in time. I'd rather leave then ever do that to them." I say with a shaky voice.

"I don't think letting them go is going to be that simple Hannah. I get that you had a love between you and Justin before s**t hit the fan but it sounds like Cole invested a lot more and lost a shitload more by allowing his brother to take what he wanted for himself. If you think about it, from the time you all became friends, I think they both fell for you hard and fast but it was Cole who became the selfless one. He stepped aside for his brothers sake but now that his brother is distancing himself from you for all the wrong reasons, maybe it is time you see Cole in a different light. I am not saying any of this to try and have you split them up but it was Cole's choice back then to walk away. What if he was the brother you were always supposed to be with?" She says and I ponder her logic. I think about how we always used to hang out together. How we always were never too far apart from one another. He was always there to pick up the pieces of my heart when Justin kept breaking it. He was always there to come give me the confidence boost I needed.

Fuck.

He was always there.

Always.

Great. Further conflict for me.

Alex and I decide to call it a day with the past coming back to haunt me so we head off to the supermarket to gather things for the holiday. She tracks down all the items her mom listed for her to get with ease as I just make my rounds slowly, trying to kill time before heading back to my quiet little apartment. After ringing up our items and managing to score deals on some of our items, we make it for delivery and then head to grab a quick coffee from our favorite coffee spot, which also happens to be our job. The weekend workers are tolerable but have attitudes laced in their tones when they speak to the customers which aggravates our boss to no end but she wont't fire them because she needs all the help she can get, especially during the holiday season.

"Hi, can I get a small mocha, hot please." I say and the girl working just chews her bubblegum obnoxiously, typing on her screen.

"Name." She asks and I answer politely.

"Next." She looks to Alex.

"I'll take the small pumpkin spice latte." She says and rolls her eyes at the girls lack of manners.

"Name." Alex answers and we both walk away, distancing ourselves from this obnoxious employee. She looks like she hates this job and wants to run for the hills. She should be grateful she has a damn job, I think to myself. The girl soon calls out our names to pick up our order but when I walk on over, Justin, popping out of nowhere, beats me to it and takes my drink, holding it hostage in his hands, eyeing me with contempt.

"We need to talk." He says making me raise an eyebrow.

"I think we did enough talking. Well, you have. Can you give me my coffee?" I say trying to calm my insides.

"Yeah, when we talk." I roll my eyes and turn to Alex.

"Meet me by my apartment. I'll be quick." She nods and gives Justin a look that shows how much she despises his actions. Justin doesn't seem to mind and leads the way out the door following Alex. I watch as Alex turns the corner, looking back at me and I nod for her to continue.

"Ok Justin. You got me out here now give me my coffee." He hands the coffee to me just staring at me.

"What's your game Hannah?" He asks crossing his arms agains this chest. He is sporting his varsity jacket and I remember he is on the baseball team. Always knew he could be a jock of some sort. My bet was for the track team.

"My game? What the hell does that even mean?" I say sipping my coffee, loving how good it tastes that I internally moan.

"After all these years you decide to come back into our lives and have my brother and I at odds? We both should have never even befriended you years ago but here we are, even now, dueling for you. Well, him more than me. I've been done with this s**t between us long ago. Keep away from Cole. He doesn't see it now, but you are conniving and manipulative. He doesn't need you feeding his ego and then stomping on his heart like you did mine." He seethes and it becomes apparent to me that this is definitely not the Justin I left behind. He has morphed into someone so much more full of hate and rage.

Is it because of me?

Did I do this to him?

"You've changed Justin. You have become someone that I don't even recognize anymore. I get that things between us imploded but it was out of my control. Things spiraled. My life spiraled but all you can do is make it about you. I told you the other day to forget I even existed. If you truly believe the things you have been feeding your brain than so be it. When it comes to Cole, he is almost an adult who can make his own decisions. He wants to hang out with me then he can. If he decides he doesn't want anything to do with me then I won't stop him from letting me go. I definitely don't want to be the one to tear you two apart but the decision is both of yours to make. I see that you made yours so let Cole make his." I say and begin to walk away when his hand wraps around my wrist pulling me back to him.

"Think what you want Hannah but this isn't over. I'll make my brother see the real you. This innocent act isn't flying with me. You should have never come back. You should have stayed wherever the hell you were. We were both better off without you." He releases my wrist and places his hands into his jacket pockets. Tears prick the backs of my eyes but I rapidly blink them away.

"How the hell can you be so callous and mean? How the hell can you just stand there and toss full blame onto me when you don't even know the whole story? I thought you loved me Justin. I thought that maybe, just maybe, you could hold onto that kind of love like I did for you. I came back because I could no longer stay away anymore. I got myself out and here I am standing in front of the guy I was head over heels for when I was in eighth grade only for him to spew such hatred back at me. I held onto my love for you. It might sound stupid because we were so young but it was my driving force. Now I can see I was the dumbest girl alive. You loved me but you loved me in the moment. The minute I was gone is when the switch flipped and that love was gone. We were wrong for each other back then. I was just too stupid to see it." The words I unleash are laced with such venom. He takes a step back like I slapped him in the face but it doesn't phase me. He caused this. I don't even wait for a response because I know it will be one to hurt and break me even more.

I walk away and round the corner to see Alex standing by my door. As soon as she sees me and when I get closer, she takes me into her arms and hugs the s**t out of me. We head upstairs and chill until she gets a text from her mom saying that her food delivery had arrived and she breathes a sigh of relief. My food comes shortly after and after lugging it three flights up, I collapse onto my couch and we binge One Tree Hill together. Ever since introducing it to her, she has been infatuated with it. She automatically shipped Nathan and Haley while I have been shipping Lucas and Peyton. It begins to get later so she calls for an Uber and we wait downstairs for it together. It comes not even ten minutes later and I watch as she leaves.

I turn to head back inside when a shadow catches my eye and when it comes closer into the light, I see that it is Cole standing there.

"Did anybody ever tell you not to creep on a girl, especially at night? You nearly gave me a heart attack." I say gripping the pepper spray that I have in my pocket. Never can be too careful. I am an emancipated seventeen year old living on her own. I'm not allowed a dog in the building so I need to have some kind of protection.

"Sorry. I didn't know whether to come here or not." He says sheepishly and I give him a small smile.

"Look Cole." I begin to say when he barrels towards me, cupping my cheek with his palm.

"Don't. Don't say I should go home. Don't say that you can't get between my brother and I. Don't say anything that will make me stay away from you because we both know I can't. I stayed away from you for long enough and now that I got you back, I am not allowing you to push me away thinking it would benefit me. It wouldn't. Trust me Hannah." He says with so much emotion that I can't find it in myself to argue with him. I told Justin that it would be each of their choices to make and Cole apparently has made his. I nod my head leaning further into his touch with his hand still on my cheek.

"Continue our Marvel movie marathon?" I ask and he smiles and this time the smile on his face meets his eyes. We walk into my building and I can feel another pair of eyes on me which has the hairs on the back of my neck standing. I turn around to look but I don't see anyone so I don't dwell on it any further.

Having Cole back in my life might be a bad thing, but it feels like the right thing for me. I have Alex and I now have Cole back.

What more do I need?