Torn Between Two

Nine

Cole

Past

I watch as my brother leaves my room after drilling me, no, more like demanding to know, whether or not I have feelings for Hannah. The fact that he decided to barge in while I was busy actually winning my battle against these f*****g aliens pissed me off, but to tear me a new one over the fact that he thinks I want Hannah just as much as he does warranted me to throw my remote across the room.

There goes sixty dollars down the drain.

I hang my head in shame because I am the biggest asshole ever. Do I ever tell him the truth? The god's honest truth about how I really feel about the girl that ruined all other girls for me?

No.

Never.

How can I tell him that the girl of his dreams is also the girl of my dreams? How can I tell my flesh and blood that the girl he is hopelessly infatuated and in love with haunts my very being every minute of the day and every minute of the night. Yeah sure I might have been an i***t who took it upon myself to grow more attached to her all the while trying to get my douchebag of a brother to realize just how much he wants her, but all I did was wind up burning myself in the process.

The more I hang out with her, the more I want her, and it is killing me inside because how can I hurt my own brother?

Fuckity f**k f**k f**k!

How can I stand by and watch as he continuously makes a fool out of himself by denying his feelings for her when I so can easily shout it from the rooftops if he so happens to just quit battling his feelings. He already has Mandy.

Why can't I have my Hannah?

The night of the senior dance was the final nail to my coffin. The minute I stepped into the gym and didn't spot her instantly was the moment I knew I had to do something. Her mom texted me days before to try and convince Hannah to attend the dance because she knew she wouldn't. I knew she wouldn't because of my shithead of a brother. All he kept doing was hurting her more and more. I hated it. I hated him for hurting her. All I wanted was to take care of her and to show her that I can be her knight in shining armor.

I knew all the details of what her mom bought her to wear so I made it a mission to buy her a corsage to match her dress the same day her mom texted me all the details. I didn't care how much I spent. I wanted to do something to show her another side of me. A side that maybe she could very well fall for. Her mom knows I care about her daughter but she doesn't know to what extent. She doesn't know that I would move mountains to do anything for her.

She only sees what is written all over Justin's face. I, on the other hand, am unreadable. I school my feelings and bury them so deep that they have no chance of escaping. I begin to slowly believe the lies that spew out of my mouth about not wanting Hannah. It's all bullshit and tonight that ends.

As soon as I realized she wasn't there in the gym, I rushed out of there with my phone in my hand, texting her over and over with no answer.

Me: I'm at the dance. Where are you?

Me: Don't do this to yourself Hannah.

Me: I'm leaving to come and get you.

Me: I'm knocking on your door. Open up.

I stand there anxiously waiting for her to answer. She finally opens the door and to make s**t even worse for me, she stands there wearing the shortest of pj's and my mind explodes right then and there. She is undeniably the most beautiful girl to have ever existed.

"What are you doing here?" She says as she watches me eyeing her body from head to toe. I immediately snap out of my trance.

"What am I doing here? Are you kidding me? What are you doing home? Your mom told me you might bail tonight and I promised her I would come and bring you to the party. We are graduating and this is our final hoorah. Get your a*s into your room and get dressed. I am bringing you and taking a shitload of pictures for your mom and you are going to have a fuckload of fun. You deserve it Hannah. Now move." I say hoping to god I didn't sound like a complete jerk to her.

"Anybody ever tell you that you are an irritating jerk?" She says as she walks away from me and I just give her my signature smirk even though I want to do and say so much more that it physically hurts.

"I've been called worse sweet cheeks. Now go. I'll be waiting." I say as she steps into her room and closes the door. I plant my a*s on the couch and browse the tv channels with my leg bouncing up and down.

I am a nervous f*****g wreck right about now.

I hear her door open a little while later and she walks out and the moment my eyes land on her, my eyes widen with disbelief. I clear my throat not wanting to sound like a squeaky little child and look away briefly to turn the tv off, rising from the couch willing my body to remain composed. The dress she picked out is a sapphire blue with a v neck and comes down to her mid thigh. She is also sporting a black leather jacket and knee high leather boots which look amazing on her. Her hair is swept to the side in a loose braid and she is wearing makeup which she didn't even have to put on because she is just that beautiful without it. Her appearance literally has taken my breath away.

"Well. s**t. You...you look....breathtaking. You clean up well Hannah." I say to try and break the tension. Her cheeks redden from my compliment and it warms my insides. I am putty in her hands. She has captivated everything that makes me, me. Her mind, her body, her whole being is what I want and need in my life. I can't allow Justin to continue and screw this up. She deserves better.

"You clean up well yourself Cole." I gulp and put my hand out for her to take. She takes my hand instantly and I pull out the corsage. It matches perfectly with her dress and her eyes widen. She probably never took me for a romantic kind of guy.

"How'd you? Mom." She says and I chuckle.

"She knew you wanted to go but also knew why you would bail. I care about you Hannah. I might be a jerk at times and call you sweet cheeks even though I know you hate it but I do it because I feel different when I am around you and I'd rather annoy you and have you close then ignore you and not have you in my life at all. You are the best thing to happen to me and to my douchebag brother even though he is too thickheaded to realize it. I got you. No matter what. You'll always be important to me." I say meaning all of it. Would I rather tell her the truth that I am head over heels in love with her? Yes. Absolutely. 1000%. However, the little good guy on my shoulders is busy scolding me and reminding me to be a good brother.

"s**t Cole. Who knew you had the sincerity aspect to you. Thank you. Thank you for being my friend." She say and kisses my cheek all the while the word "friend" shatters something inside of me.

"Let's do this shit." I say needing to be out of this moment ASAP. We take off to the school, with her hand in mine, and once we are outside, I can hear the music blasting from the gymnasium and watching as Hannah's face falls and she gives the cutest look. I can tell she isn't a fan of overly loud music.

We walk in as King and Queen candidates are being welcomed onto the stage and of course it is my brother and Mandy that win. I can feel Hannah tense up by my side as she watches them become crowned and step down to start dancing to their first song as King and Queen. It kills me knowing that she is hurting and I decide to slap the good guy off my shoulders and prepare myself for an uprising.

I want her to know where I stand so I decide to ask the DJ for a song to be played. Rewrite the Stars, the song that was sung in the movie, The Greatest Showman. Hannah and I watched it recently and she loved every moment of it. I am not a big fan of musicals but just watching as her eyes lit up for every moment made me happy to see her happy.

The song begins and I reach out and grab her and start dancing with her. It is just the two of us and how she is looking at me is making everything that I want to do and say a little less nerve wracking. It goes smoothly until I catch a glimpse of Justin. He looks so lost and confused and I know exactly how he feels inside.

I can't do this.

I can't do this to my brother.

Which is why when I spin her away, I grab him and push him towards her to catch her in his arms. He fights with himself and I pray that the selfless act I had just done wasn't for nothing. The song ends and I watch closely as he has an internal debate on whether or not to do what he has been dying to do.

If he walks away, after me giving him the chance to step up, then I will have every right to stake my claim and be there to pick up the pieces. He decides to take his head out of his a*s and the rest is history. They forge a deeper connection that breaks everything inside of me. I have lost the one girl that could make my dreams come true to my brother. All I know is that he better treat her right. He better worship her. He better make her happy.

My heart fell to my stomach that day but all I could do is welcome the pain that I caused myself. I have welcomed the pain ever since she chose him, ever since she disappeared, and ever since she returned. Now that I have her back, I am not losing her.

Not again.

Present

"Is that what you really think of me Cole? "

No. It isn't. I f*****g missed you!

"Is that how little you know me? That I would leave both of you without giving an explanation? I tried to come back. I tried so f*****g hard but he wouldn't let me go to you. His paranoia made him volatile."

Who?! What are you talking about??

"You think I was living the rich fancy life? I wasn't! I spent three years in seclusion, locked away from the world Cole. I didn't have a single person to talk to. I had no one to confide in. I lived three years in a miserable reality that I wanted to die from. Having to take care of, who do you think he was, Daddy Warbucks wasn't sunshine and f*****g rainbows Cole. He was a drunk day in and day out. I was alone. All f*****g alone!"

Baby don't tell me this stuff. Please be making this s**t up.

I watch as she nearly collapses but I don't second guess myself when I reach out and grab her, pulling her into my chest, falling down to the floor with her in my arms. This has been a long time coming and it feels f*****g fantastic to have her back in my arms. I didn't know just how much I missed this girl. Her disappearing broke the both of us. It broke my heart to know that I couldn't find her but it broke Justin ten times worse. His loss turned into an all consuming hatred towards her. I never allowed myself to believe his rants and raves about where she was and who she was with. I never once believed that she would go willingly without saying goodbye.

The last day I saw her, the day Justin came into my room frantic, wondering if she was ghosting him because he had said the L word, my world crashed. I tried to keep my rage to myself but once I walked away from my brother, I was a broken f****d up mess. He loved her and she loved him of that I was sure. I was so sure about their love that my love for her burst into flames destroying a part of my soul knowing that it was too late for me. Never in a thousand years did I see her disappearing into a void with no goodbye, no communication, did I ever see that coming. We lost her and we couldn't understand why, but I never allowed myself to hate her.

I couldn't.

Can't say as much for my brother. He allowed the hatred to fester and he allowed himself to become this arrogant self righteous prick. That was someone I used to be until Hannah pulled me out of it. She taught me that the world wasn't against me, that there were people, like herself, that actually gave a damn. My parents always saw Justin as the prodigal child, where I was just the problem child. Hannah made me believe that I could be better. I was better because of her. I continued to do right by her even when she wasn't here. I never looked back but only forward knowing one day she would return.

When I saw her for the first time again in English class, my heart leaped inside my chest. It may have looked like I didn't give a damn, mainly because Justin was right there to witness my reaction to seeing her again, but that wasn't the case at all. I wanted to lunge for her and hold her in my arms and never let her go. I have to admit, I was a damn creep. Stalker level kind of creep. I followed her around, watching closely as she became friends with Alex. I watched how Justin and his girlfriend of the year harassed her. I watched as she struggled with everything. I watched and watched and never did anything until I couldn't keep away from her any longer. I had questions. She had answers. Damn Justin for forbidding me to ever find out why she left. I needed her like I needed my next breath.

That is exactly what I did and do I regret it?

Not in the f*****g least.

I followed her home after her shift at the coffee shop and waited for Alex to leave. I needed to know how she was and what she has been up to and how she was living compared to before. I wondered even how her mom was doing because I adored that woman.

Now that I know the truth, the horrible vomit inducing truth about everything, all I want to do is beat my brother to a pulp. He has no right treating her as he has along with his entourage of morons. He will pay for that. He will pay dearly.

I place my Hannah onto her bed gently and tuck her under the blankets. She reaches out for me, begging me to stay with her, and everything in my body screams yes, however, the need for vengeance is at an all time high. I kiss her forehead and silently leave her to sleep and make my way back home.

I barge into my house, slamming the door closed behind me. I take the stairs two at a time and don't even dare to knock on Justin's door. I barge in only to find him sucking face with Jackie.

"Get. Out." Is all I say as I toss her shirt at them.

"The f**k? Get out asshole!" Justin seethes but I am not in the mood to talk in front of the skank that did nothing but terrorize my girl.

That's right.

My girl.

Always has been.

Always will be.

Jackie remains sitting straddling my brothers lap, and tosses her shirt back onto the floor.

"More the merrier." She says with a smirk grinding her a*s on my brother and he turns to look at me with darkened, hooded eyes.

Seriously? This is what he likes?

"I don't out my d**k where every other male has been, including my brother. I don't like sharing. Now get the f**k out. I won't say it again." I say through gritted teeth and Justin just moves her off of him, shoving her shirt into her chest.

"Just go. I'll see you tomorrow at school." He says point blank and she scoffs.

"Seriously? What the f**k Justin." She screeches and he rolls his eyes.

"For f**k sakes Jackie. Get out." He booms and she recoils and runs out of the room. Before he can even ask what is up, I launch my fist into his jaw and watch as he falls back onto the floor with a thud.

"Have you lost you f*****g mind bro?! What the f**k was that for?!" He says wiping the blood trickling down his nose with the back of his hand.

"That, brother, was for acting like a pompous dickhead to the girl you said you loved at one point. Yeah, that's right, I f*****g talked to her. I needed f*****g answers and what she said doesn't warrant torment from the likes of you!" I shout as his eyes bug out of his head from knowing what I have done. He immediately is on his feet charging at me.

"The f**k you mean you spoke to her! I specifically told you to not let her in your head. She doesn't get to leave and then come back and have us pick up from where we left off from. She doesn't get a second chance!" He says slamming me into his door and gripping my collar so tightly with his fist. His eyes are filled with immense anger and pain and for that I am sorry but I am not sorry for bringing her back into my life. I push him away, seemingly a bit stronger than he is right now.

"Stay the f**k away from her Cole. That isn't up for discussion. She wants me to forget she ever existed so that is what the f**k I am going to do, as will you!" He booms but I don't back down.

"No brother. That isn't how we are going to play this. This is how we are going to do things. You will leave her alone and tell your minions and your w***e of a girlfriend to not even look at her, let alone speak to her. You will not tell me what I can do or not do when it comes to Hannah. Hate to break it to you brother but I have f*****g lied through my teeth when it has come to her. I f*****g loved her first and I will love her last. You give up on her? So be it. Fair game now." I spit out and his reaction is one that warrants a f****d up Kodak moment. It is like he is repeating the words I just said over and over in his head and he whole face beams with rage. His hands ball into fists as he launches at me but I side step and he winds up punching his wall. His knuckles are bloodied and the wall displays some of his blood in the massive hole he out through it. He turns to glare daggers at me and I know I just tore out bond in two but I am not hiding my true feelings for her any longer.

"I f*****g knew it." He says rather calmly and it takes me by surprise.

"You piece of s**t. You lied to me this whole entire time. Here I was knowing deep down that you were just as much in love with her as I was. Why the f**k did you allow me to fall for her? Why the f**k did you allow me to open my heart to her only for her to vanish and leave me behind! You should've been the one with the broken f****d up heart! Not me!" He points his finger at me and I narrow my eyes at him.

"You think I wasn't broken hearted? You think her leaving didn't affect me?! You're f*****g wrong brother. So f*****g wrong. I was broken. A complete f*****g mess but the difference between you and I was that I never allowed my brokenness to morph into hatred. That was all you. You have an all consuming hatred for the one girl who made our day brighter, who made our worlds brighter. I never, not even once, hated her. You allowed that to happen and that is why I won't stand around and allow you to keep throwing your hatred at her every chance you get. She doesn't deserve it. She deserves better than the both of us but I am not losing her. Not to you. Not to anyone." I say before opening his door. I look back at him to see he is once again a broken mess.

"I love you brother but sort your s**t out. It is about time that you realize the only person you hate, is yourself for ever hating her." Is the last thing I say before slamming the door and walking into my room, totally done with everything this day had to bring. I strip out of my clothes, take a shower, and plop down into my bed allowing the darkness to overtake me and begin to dream of all the ways I can make Hannah my future.