Torn Between Two

Twenty

Cole

We are nearing Mid-winter break and I am hoping to surprise Hannah with a vacation with only the two of us. There I want to devote every minute to us. I want to show her that I can and will give her everything she needs. I've been thinking of a way to ask her to prom, like the prom-posal type stuff you see on Tik Tok, and then for prom night, I've been planning on asking her to marry me. I've been looking into booking a room at this ritzy and lavish hotel in the city and ordering champagne and proposing by getting down on one knee and asking her to be my future. I know we are young but when I think about my future, I see her right there by my side.

I know she wants me to fulfill my dream of being in the MLB but I need her to know that being with her will not hinder that dream. It will only make it stronger for me to achieve it knowing I have her there by my side to support me. I want her to be with me. I want her to be the one I celebrate with. I want her to be the one I build my life with. I want her to have my children and pick out our house to raise them in. I want to spoil her and our children. I want to be her husband, her children's father, her everything. I might sound crazy but that is what love does to a person.

Anyway, we really didn't have much time together during the summer and once the holidays hit, we could barely escape my parents. Last year I wasn't there to usher in Christmas with them, but this year I decided to have Hannah by my side and to celebrate with her along with my family to which they were happy for us. They accepted her with open arms which made my heart swell.

I knew Justin wasn't going to be okay with it but he seemed to not care. He has been lost ever since last year and I am not sure on how to help him when he doesn't even talk to me. I get things got messed up but it wasn't my intention to hurt him. He's my brother and I love him. All I want is for him to understand at least that much.

I'd do anything for him.

Just not the one thing I know he wants me to do, and that is give up Hannah.

Hannah Montgomery is my future. I can see us building a life together, having kids, watching them grow up to have their own kids. I can see us growing old and gray with one another. I can't see myself doing that with any other woman.

She is it for me.

Always has been.

Always will be.

I make my way out of school after fourth period, wanting to find out where she is since we both have the same lunch period, when I see her talking to my brother. The conversation looks serious and I begin to walk over just in case he decides to be an asshole again, as I watch in slow motion him grabbing a hold of her and kissing her like she was the only woman in the world to him.

She doesn't move to push him away and it shatters everything inside of me. My heart feels like it is burning a hole right through my chest and I begin to see red. Instead of going over to them and pounding my brothers face in with my fist, I tear through the parking lot heading straight for my car and hop in, immediately igniting the ignition and peel out of there like a bat out of hell. Everything is happening so fast that I don't realize that I am accelerating way too fast and immediately lose my footing and ram head on into a pole.

I open my eyes with the world a great big blur, my head pounding and people screaming in the distance. I can't move my body because I keep trying to reach for my phone but I just can't. Everything f*****g hurts. Before I know it, my eyes shut and darkness consumes me. The darkness brings images of my past and my present which all include Hannah. I can't leave this world like this.

I can't leave her.

I eventually wake up to voices in my room trying to be quiet but are failing so damn miserably.

"Mind keeping it down? Trying to sleep here." I say lowly and see that it is my parents hovering by the foot of my bed. My mothers eyes widen with shock and my dad releases a long breath.

"Cole! My baby! You are awake!" She squeals and I wince.

"Let me go find the doctor." My dad says squeezing my foot and giving me a smile.

"What's going on?" I hear Justin say with his head poking through the door and when my eyes lock with his, my blood boils in my body and my jaw ticks.

"Get the f**k out of here Justin. Don't you dare speak to me. Get. The. f**k. Out!" I seethe making my mother stand in front of Justin, trying to block his profile but doesn't work. Does she not realize that he is taller than her?

"Come on Cole. Don't shut me out." He says and I scoff.

"Shut you out? You are the only one shutting people out and going behind their backs kissing their girlfriends. Like I said, and I won't say it again, get the f**k out." I reply but he remains standing their like a stubborn ox.

"This better not be a fight over Hannah again. You both are brothers and for brothers to be fighting like this over a girl is just ridiculous." My mom says and it just aggravates me even further.

"Mom! Don't. Not again. Think you did enough damage." Justin says and I shoot him a what the hell are you talking about kind of look but he just shakes his head at me.

"Let me talk to my brother. Please." Justin says and my mother looks to me for my permission. I nod and she gives a small smile and leaves the room. I don't know why I agreed to talk to the asshole. I immediately regret it once I remember what he did to me.

"Why?" Is all I can manager to ask him as I try and sit up in the bed. Each movement makes me wince. He comes to sit next to me and runs his hand through his hair. His eyes are glazed and their are bags underneath them. From the looks of it, he hasn't slept much.

"I need help Cole and I will get it. I've been drinking. A lot. Before, during, after school. s**t the only thing that made me sober was watching you being put into the back of an ambulance. I've never been more broken then I was waiting for the doctor to come update us on whether you were going to make it or not. Your accident put a lot of things into perspective for me brother. I could have lost you. If I had, I....shit....I am not good with this s**t. I'm sorry okay? I never meant to cross the boundary by kissing Hannah. She didn't kiss me back if that's what you are thinking. She pushed me away. She tore me a new one afterwards. I f****d up man. I know I f****d up but this isn't on her. It's on me. Don't blame her for my mistakes. She loves you. It took almost losing you to realize that." He says and I have no words.

It can't erase the image of his lips on hers. It doesn't erase the fact that I jumped to conclusions thinking she would feel the way she felt about him long ago and she would leave me. It doesn't erase the fact that I am a giant asshole that almost got himself killed.

I think I f****d up the worst.

"You say you are sorry now but what happens when you see us together again? You better get the help you need Justin. I can't keep on like this. You are the one breaking our family apart with your hostility and rage. Get yourself clean and make amends to all those you hurt before apologizing to me. What I need right now is peace and quiet and a chance to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do with all this you told me. I don't know what will happen if I lose her. Just, go for now. I need you to go and get yourself better and then we'll talk." His mouth forms into a straight line as he nods his head and leaves. I run my hands down my face and throw my head back into my pillow and close my eyes, seeing my brother and Hannah living the life that I want with her.

Here come the nightmares.

Luckily, I was released from the hospital this morning. Didn't know how much I could despise a hospital. No disrespect to the nurses or doctors but just the atmosphere was a bit depressing. What also depressed me was being in there and not once getting a visit from Hannah which made me feel very uneasy. I kept thinking was she not visiting because she was possibly regretting us or she was not visiting because she was scared to tell me about what had happened between her and my brother.

I understand he did it because of all the drinking but understanding and forgiving is two different stories. Eventually I'll be able to come to terms with his stupidity but at least he is holding himself accountable for his actions and working on getting himself better. He has put himself into rehab and determined to come out clean.

It being vacation and all, I try to come up with the best way to confront Hannah. If she won't come to me then I will go to her. I'll give her the chance to tell me everything. If she doesn't then I'll do it for her and find out once and for all what it is that we are doing here. I know in my gut that she wants nothing to do with Justin. I know I love her and will continue loving her regardless of what happened. All I want is her. All I want is to go back to how things were and to finally put a ring on her finger making her mine once and for all.

I was the one to jump to conclusions.

I did something stupid and now I have to live with the regret.

Every day since being home, I have been trying to call her only for her to send me to voicemail. I try calling Alex but she ignores me also. I am beginning to get irritated and once I go back to school tomorrow, I will chase her down in the hallways if I have to. Being without her is something I do not want to keep doing. I need her. I need her smile, her laugh, her moans, her body. Without her with me is like a missing piece of my soul.

Nightmares continue to haunt me and when I wake this morning covered in sweat, I thank god that once I see her face, everything will okay. I jump out of bed and take a shower, get dressed, and run to school. My sole focus is to see her, grab her and make her mine again. I need to hear her voice. I need her to tell me she loves me and only me. I need to breathe her in. It will make every bad thing disappear. I enter the school with kids looking at me with sympathy and I simply ignore them. I make a beeline for her locker and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

I search the hallway for her but she never appears. She is either not here or hiding herself from me. I see Alex but not seeing Hannah with her is making me feel more anxious and worried.

Maybe she's sick?

The day drags until the final bell rings and I make my way to the coffee shop. I stand outside of it and take a breath before I enter. Knowing Alex gets out earlier than me, she is already behind the counter and when she sees it is me who has entered, her eyes narrow into slits.

"Perry! You, me, outside, now." She booms pointing her finger at me. I stand there shocked that she would call me out in front of people but move to head outside once someone else takes her position behind the counter. Once we are outside she drags me and pulls me off to the side and the look on her face is nothing I have ever seen before. Fire burns her eyes and she is most definitely on a war path. Her hands shoot out and push into my chest making me stumble backwards.

"What the f**k is wrong with you?" She says in such a hostile tone that it takes me by surprise.

"Excuse me? Do you manhandle all your customers like this?" I say finding my composure.

"Just the morons that would be stupid enough to have the most traumatizing experience of a persons life come back to haunt them once again. How the f**k could you do that Hannah? Did you forget that that is exactly how her mom died? Did you even realize that you would be gutting her so bad? I've never seen her more traumatized. She's been a wreck Cole. An absolute f*****g wreck." She spits and it finally registers that that is why she has been avoiding me. She must know that I saw her and my brother and jumped to conclusions. That's why she hasn't been confronting me. I need to make things right.

Fuck.

"s**t Alex. Is it that bad? Where is she? Is she even okay? I haven't seen her all vacation and then I looked for her all over school today and she wasn't there. I f****d up so bad. I really thought I was losing her to Justin. I saw red. I couldn't do anything else but get the hell out of there. I never meant to hurt her and I sure as s**t didn't mean to wrap my car around a f*****g pole." I say and she clearly doesn't believe me because she rolls her eyes at me.

"So let me get this straight. You saw Justin kissing her and immediately thought what? That she was going to break your heart and be with him? Are you stupid or just insane? Do you even know how much that girl loves you? I doubt you do because you wouldn't have been that moronic to think that she would ever leave you for him. There is nothing between them like there is with you and her. She has told me everything that happened since day one with you. She told me all the times you comforted her. All the times you chose to stay with her than be with your friends. All the times that you consoled her and made her feel whole again. She might not have known her true feelings for you back then but she knew something was happening. She knew she couldn't just let you go when she came back. I honestly think she was in love with you from the start. How you could dismiss all of that with one single kiss is beyond me." She says and her words tear me apart.

How could I have thought I was losing her?

"Please Alex. Help me fix this. Tell her to meet me and I will f*****g drop to my knees and beg her for her forgiveness. I can't lose her. I love her. You know this. She's my damn soulmate." I feel the tears stinging the backs of my eyes but I blink them away. She must see them as she turns her head trying hard not to look me directly in the eyes and I am so utterly confused by her reaction.

"I wish I can help you Cole. I really do. I think you're just little too late to fix things." She says with a pained expression.

"Like f**k I am. Why am I late? What aren't you telling me?" I take a step closer watching the pained look in her eyes.

"She's...she's gone Cole. She left." She says just above a whisper and I take a step back not understanding her. I shake my head not wanting to accept her response.

"No. You're lying. You just don't want me to rectify this with her. I know she told you to keep me away but I won't. I love her. You know I love her! Don't do this. Tell me where she is. I'm begging you." I belt out but her facial expression doesn't change. Not even the slightest.

"I'm not keeping you from her Cole! She left! She was told by your mother that it was her fault that you were fighting for your life in the hospital. She told her that she never should have returned because she ruined your family. She blamed Hannah for your accident, your brothers drinking, everything. She unleashed unbridled fury upon her and she took it to heart! You know how she is. She'll replay her accusations over and over and come to really believe them, which is exactly what she did. She packed everything up and left. I tried to stop her. I tried to reason with her. She would rather leave then allow your family to come undone any more than it already has. She loves you so much Cole but she put your happiness with your family before her very own happiness with you. I'm sorry." She says and my heart begins to hurt. I hold onto my chest and it is like the life is being sucked right out of me. It feels as if I can't breathe. I stretch my shirt from my neck thinking I am being strangled.

She left.

No. She can't leave. Not like this.

"No. She'll be back. It's our last year. She needs to graduate." I say but Alex just shakes her head.

"She already graduated Cole. She was going to tell you before Justin confronted her and blew everything to shit."

She's not lying.

She's telling me the truth.

My hands ball into fists as I turn and run away from her. I run straight for home and barge through the front door slamming it. I find my parents in the kitchen laughing at something and wonder how it is even fair that they get to laugh with one another, two people madly in love, but here I am with a broken heart and rage consuming every cell in my body. They come to see me standing there and their expression becomes worried.

"Cole, what's wrong?" My mom says with such a sweet and caring tone.

Fucking bullshit is what it is.

"Is it true that you blamed Hannah for everything while I was in the hospital? Is that why she never came to see me? Is that why I am lying awake every night wondering what is going on and why I haven't seen her?!" I say and I can see the wheels turning in my mothers brain to try and come up with some kind of excuse.

"Tell me!" I boom, slamming my hand on the wall. My father steps forward giving me the ultimate warning stare but I could care less. This is my heart and life we are talking about here.

"Watch your tone son!" He seethes and I roll my eyes.

"No. Not until mom tells me the truth. While I was fighting for my life after my accident, did you or did you not yell at Hannah and blame everything on her?" I watch as her bottom lip trembles.

"It was out of hurt and rage Cole. The words just shot out. I'm sorry if I hurt her. Hurt you. You will understand when you are a parent. You were in the hospital. Your brother was drunk. What was I supposed to do? Things have been going downhill ever since she came back. She wasn't supposed to tear our family apart but it isn't her fault. I lashed out because I was hurt and angry and helpless and she was there. She was there and all I could do was unleash my anger on her." She says and I just look at the woman who was supposed to be my mom. She was supposed to be there for me. She was supposed to love what I loved.

"She never broke anything. The only thing she did was love your son. She loved me with her whole heart and I was happy mom. Really f*****g happy. I found my forever with her. Justin was the one who decided to drink. Nobody pushed him to do it. Nobody held a g*n to his head and demanded he drink every damn day. That was in him! Hannah was mine and I was hers and now she's gone! You did this! You took her away from me and I will never forgive you." I say with such disgust and hurt. She gives me a sympathetic look. She doesn't even console me. It's like she doesn't even care.

"Sweetheart I never wanted that to happen. I'm sorry. So so sorry. It was never her fault. It was my own. I should have seen the warning signs with your brother. I mean I did but I never acted on them. I should have. What do you mean she is gone?" She says with tears beginning to fall down.

"Yeah. You should have. Bet you're happy now. Least Justin is getting better. You'll have one son that is sober. Now it is me who will drink themselves to death because Hannah isn't here anymore. She left me. I don't know where she went. All I know is that the girl I was going to ask to marry me is gone. All thanks to you." I say before storming up the stairs two at a time and slamming my bedroom door.

All I see when I look at my room now is her on my bed staring at me with such love and hearing her laugh at my dumb jokes. I see her straddle my lap and push the hair that has fallen in my face back and cups my cheeks kissing the ever loving s**t out of me. All I have left is memories of us together.

That's all I f*****g have left.