Torn Between Two

Nineteen

Senior Year

The fact that time seems to be escaping and going by quicker than anything it highly unsettling. Day after day life kept going and before we all knew it, we were entering our last year of high school. The summer went by that fast that it felt as if we couldn't take a breath to just settle down for the vacation. Something always came up whether it was me working or Cole heading off to camp for baseball or Alex taking tours at Brown and Yale with her family. The only time we really had to just live a little was the last week of vacation.

Needless to say, life around here has been wholesome, and everything that had plagued me before coming back has dwindled to a flicker in my chest. I no longer have nightmares of the past or totally scared of what the future may bring. Things between Cole and I have been nothing but the best days and months of my existence. Knowing that I love him and he loves me is all I need to keep me moving, pushing me forward, paving our way to a bright future, together.

Alex is still her usual bubbly lively self which I have and will always adore. She is literally like a breath of fresh air. We both still work at the coffee shop and have been seeking out what it is we both want to do with our lives while also knowing that we need to stick by each other. She is a sister to me. She is family and where she goes I will go as well. My grades are practically killer so I do have the opportunity to attend some prestigious college if that is where she winds up. Alex and I have been researching different colleges and I even thought about submitting applications to the top ones of the country.

What's the worst that can happen?

They deny me?

That's okay because at least I know I tried.

Cole has been avidly looking for a college that is close to us also, needing to be near where I am, even though his dream is the MLB. I have constantly tried to navigate him in the direction that I know he needs to take but he is fighting me tooth and nail. Whatever may be and whatever will come our way, we can handle, even if it means that he will be on the other side of the country. I want him to achieve his dream and not hold back because if he doesn't, I fear he will come to resent me and I will not be the one to keep him from achieving fame. Love will just have to be enough when it comes down to finalizing our applications. The thought of that is scary but I will face it when the time comes.

Currently sitting in my fourth period English Lit class, trying my hardest to remain focused on the teacher, while also taking peaks at Justin who just happens to have the same class as me, is quite hard. The way he has been looking lately makes me sad. He once had a face that was full of life and now it looks like he hasn't slept for the past year. He slacks in class and he even began to slack at baseball. The team had to bench him for several games last season, and it looks like he'll be cut for this season as well. He doesn't show any indication of giving a damn, about anything. It worries me, I won't lie. Deep down inside, he'll always be someone to me. I don't even want to know how his parents are taking all of this. Cole is definitely at a loss with him.

The aftermath and total destruction of our friendship still pains me but it is what it is. All he had done is come at me with such hatred and anger and I couldn't tolerate it any longer. The day he tried to break me down on the bleachers during their team practice was the last time we ever spoke. Since then, he hasn't said a word, probably must have gotten an ear full from his brother that night, and I haven't said a single thing to him either.

It kills me to see that the relationship between brothers is strained because of me and part of me will always blame myself for it. It wasn't my intention to fall head over heels in love with Cole. All I wanted were my friends back, a clean slate, a chance at trying to redeem myself in their eyes for leaving them without so much as a goodbye. What actually transpired between us was not my game plan at all. I am sorry for it but I won't dare regret it. If I do, that means I regret giving myself to Cole and that I regret feeling these feelings for him. I won't do that. I deserve happiness and so does Cole.

Shit.

Even Justin deserves happiness if only his heart would thaw and he would allow himself to be happy. That is all I want for him. That is all I ever wanted for him. I close my eyes to stop the headache that is beginning to form. A knock on the door jolts me out of my thoughts.

"Ms. Montgomery, the guidance counselor would like to see you in her office." My teacher says so I gather my things and lead myself out of the room, earning looks of intrigue and curiosity from the kids in my class. They would do anything for some good gossip around here. Bad enough I was the focus of gossip when Cole and I first got together. Didn't help matters that Justin kept dishing out hatred towards us. I walk towards my counselors office, my new counselor, by the way, and knock on her door.

My old counselor, Ms. Debbie Downer as we would call her had retired and thankfully so because she wasn't the best with communicating with kids. She always saw the negative regardless of all the positives. After I knock on Ms. Leslie's door again, she calls for me to come in.

"Ah, Hannah. It is so good to see you again. Please sit. We really need to talk." I gulp down the ball that is in my throat and begin to mentally panic. She must see the look on my face and her eyes widen with the way she thinks she sounded.

"Oh my god. No no. Nothing bad. I am so sorry. Please relax. This is good news. Breathe Hannah." She says as she walks around her desk and comes to sit next to me.

"I have been looking over every seniors file and when I looked at yours, it seems that you have more then enough credits to graduate early. I can't believe the other counselor failed to realize this and if she hadn't messed up, you would have been able to submit your college applications earlier in the year. I am so sorry Hannah. This is an oversight on us and the school would like to issue you an apology. Once Midwinter recess comes to an end, you are all set to graduate." She says with such a glimmer of hope in her eyes that I need a second to process everything that she has just said.

"I'll be a high school graduate after break? Are you serious? I can't....I don't know what to say Ms. Leslie. I thought I had more time to decide. What am I going to do now?" I ask seriously confused and overwhelmed. She just smiles and for some reason, her smile makes me feel a smidge bit better.

Just a smidge.

"That's the thing. I blame myself for not seeing this sooner so as soon as I did, I called all the schools that you were thinking about applying to and they have given me permission to inquire if you wanted to possibly start this Summer." I gasp and take a mental note to buy this woman something nice for doing all this extra work for me.

"Seriously? So whatever college I choose, I'd be able to start in the Summer? Thank you Ms. Leslie! Thank you so much!" I say happily and move to hug her. She hugs me back and I can't remove the smile that is on my face.

"Go, find out what college you are ready to attend and I will take care of everything else. I am so proud of you Hannah. After all you have been through, for which I am truly sorry for, you are the strongest kid I have ever met. You deserve this. You deserve to be happy and to be given the world." She says and I can't help but tear.

There are just some people in this world that would go above and beyond for someone else. These are the true heroes. I leap out of my chair and wave her goodbye ready to tell Cole my big news. My feet lead me outside and I sit whipping out my phone ready to text him when I feel a presence behind me. I turn to see Justin and I immediately forget what I was going to do.

"Hi." Is all I can say.

"Everything okay?" He asks, seemingly sincere about wanting to know, yet still looking out of it.

"Um, yeah. Actually everything is great. I was just about to text Alex and your brother." I say with a smile. I don't realize that he is digging his hand into his coat pocket pulling out a flask and when my mind catches up to me, I c**k my head to the side.

"Are you drinking?" I stand, turn to face him, crossing my arms. Once he confirms the truth, I take take a step back.

"Beats being in a shitty a*s mood every day." He shrugs it off like it is nothing. No wonder he has looked the way he has lately. I thought he was just restless. Turns out, he's drunk.

"Why are you drinking Justin?" I ask honestly worried about him.

"Why does it matter huh? Why are you so damn happy now?" He asks and I let out a sigh and run my hands down my face.

"You need to sober up. This isn't about me. Stop deflecting. What the hell made you start drinking?" I ask, my eyes narrowed at the sight before me. He shrugs and takes another sip and I smack it out of his hand, having all the liquor spill out. I smell it and it immediately brings me back to when it was me and my dad, my drunk as a skunk dad.

"f**k Hannah. Just because you have your s**t together doesn't mean that you can go f**k up my day and life even more. For f**k sakes." He says with his jaw clenched. I watch as his hands ball into fists.

Was he not the one that sought me out?

"Justin this isn't you. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have your family, Cole, the MLB dream. Don't f**k it up for a bottle of Jameson." His eyebrows raise and I sigh yet again.

"That's all my dad drank when I lived with him. Either that or vodka. He picked his poison quite well. He closed himself off to me and to the world. He then closed me off to the world and allowed me to watch as he sat and drank himself almost to death. I would have to clean up after him, the vomit, the stench of the room he was in. He allowed the drinking to consume him. It was all I had known for three years until I escaped. I couldn't bear watching him drink himself to nothing. I did what I had to do to survive. I would not allow my dad's demons to become my demons. Please stop. I can't watch another person that is part of me land themselves an early death. If not for me, then for Cole and your parents." I say from the bottom of my heart. He needs to find the will power to seek out the help he truly needs. He can't keep going like this.

Before I know what is happening, his lips are on mine and at first I am paralyzed to the situation until my mind snaps and I begin to struggle in his grasp to get away. I push with all my might and watch as he stumbles backwards.

"What the f*****g hell was that Justin?! Are you trying to sabotage my relationship again? You have got to be kidding me!" I yell at him and he just stares blankly at me.

"It's something that needed to be done Hannah. It is something that has been killing me inside to do ever since seeing you again. Sure my hostility and anger towards you was at an all time high but underneath it all was the urge to make you mine again. I can't bear watching you and my brother together. I thought maybe if I took what was mine once again I'd feel something, anything, but, I don't. Nothing will ever be the same." He says and my anger skyrockets.

"Why the hell would you even consider doing that? Why would you want to hurt your brother like that! What the hell am I supposed to do now? Keep this from him?! I can't do that! I won't do that!" I scream at him, wanting to unleash more words until I hear a loud crash behind me. Students fly by me and are rushing over to what looks like a major car crash and my heart for some reason tightens. I feel my heart squeezing the life out of me. Something pulls me to where the accident is and when I reach it, I see that it is Cole's car wrapped around a pole.

No, no, no. This cannot be happening.

I feel paralyzed for a moment and everything about my mothers accident comes barreling to my mind like I were reliving it. Even though I wasn't physically there, I had read enough of the headlines for my imagination to create an image that will haunt me forever. I hear screams and come to find that they are mine. I am back in the now and see that I am looking inside the drivers side, watching as blood trickles down Cole's face. Sirens can be heard and I am dragged behind someone in order for the paramedics to run to his aid and to work on getting him out.

"Hannah! Hannah!" A low voice calls my name but I can't register who it is. Another body comes up from behind me and I immediately come to see a frantic Alex. Time is going fast while I feel like I am stuck in place. Nothing seems right. Everything is wrong. This can't be happening.

Not again.

Not now.

"Hannah breathe. He is going to be alright. They just loaded him onto the stretcher and into the ambulance. Come on. I will drive you to the hospital." She says and takes my hand in hers and leads me to her car. We reach the hospital and time is still moving with me feeling out of it and I can't decipher what is going on around me. There is too many people rushing here and there and it is messing with my mind.

Everything is a blur and my eyes burn. I know I must be crying and my insides are in knots and the need to vomit is at an all time high. All I can think about is the previous night when Cole and I were wrapped up in each other after watching the stupidest movie. The tender kisses he gave me all the while touching and caressing every part of my body until it ignited with such euphoria.

His lips.

His touch.

Would that have been our last time together?

Alex and I sit in the waiting room, my legs bouncing up and down when I hear screaming coming from the entrance. I look up to see Cole's parents flying through the hospital doors, immediately finding Justin. He must have sobered up and is telling his parents what is going on. I go to move but once Cole's moms eyes lock on mine, the hatred behind them is so intense that if looks could kill, I'd be dead.

"You! You did this to our son! To our family!" She booms, coming closer like a wild animal about to pounce on their prey. Her hand raises and lands on my face making my head snap to the side. The stinging feeling is painful to say the least. I hold my cheek staring at her and the tears threaten to come down again. I try not to hold anything against a mother who just found out her son was hurt. I chalk it up to her anxiety and the fact that a mother should never get the call saying her child was in the hospital.

She knows me.

She knows that I love her son.

She is just hurting.

She is in pain.

If she needs to vent then let her vent on me.

I'll be the casualty.

"What the hell is wrong with you Mrs. Perry?! Your son is in the hospital and you are busy assaulting the girl who loves him with every fiber of her being!" Alex booms and I can see her face redden with anger.

"It is because of her that my son is in the hospital in the first place! If it weren't for her my son wouldn't be here, my other wouldn't be drinking his life away, and my family wouldn't be broken! You should have never come back! You hear me! You should have never come back!!!!" She roars and my entire world is blown to s**t. Mr. Perry comes to wrap his arms around his wife while giving me a sympathetic look.

Everything I have feared or ever feared is true.

Maybe she is right.

I look from her to Alex and then to a wide eyed Justin who just stands there without saying a word. I take a few steps backward hearing Alex and then Justin calling my name but it is too late. I immediately bolt out of the hospital, running for my life.

She is right.

Absolutely right.

I shouldn't have come back. I should have stayed away. Better yet, I should have been in the car with my mother that day, that way, I wouldn't have to watch any of this unfold. I run all the way back home which I don't even know how I managed to. My body is on autopilot that I find myself balled up in my bed when I finally come to.

The depression, the anxiety, the sleepless nights will come back tenfold if I don't find some way to fix everything. It is then that I make the decision to pack my things and leave. To hell with waiting for after break to graduate. They can always send me my diploma through the mail. I already agreed to graduate.

I have more than enough money saved to get the hell away and allow Justin, Cole and their family to once again be a family. I pack everything that is essential, leave a note for my landlord that anything left can be taken or donated, and leave my apartment without looking back. I pack my car up and head straight for the highway only to stop short and make a U-turn. I immediately make my way to Alex, knowing that if I leave without so much as a goodbye to her, when I know I can, I'll never forgive myself. I park in front of her house and knock on her door. She opens immediately and looks from me to my car.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" I nod and we both begin to cry our eyes out. Parting from her and from the place I had begun to call home hurts immensely but it is for the best.

I will always love Cole but leaving is the only way that he can achieve his dreams and mend his family back together. He needs them more than he needs me and I hope one day he'll understand.