Torn Between Two

Twelve

The week goes by very slowly. Classes seem long and arduous, along with the boatloads of homework that the teachers have given before the mini vacation. I try my very best to concentrate but I can't help but feeling like I am drowning in my own misery.

I haven't really been in the greatest state of mind lately, however, it has been good to spend my time with Alex and Cole. We have been eating lunch together either in the cafeteria, where I get scathing and glaring looks from everyone, including Justin and Jackie, or we eat outside despite it becoming a tad bit chillier. We talk about the most random things that can easily make me laugh but the happiness I doubt hits my eyes. Cole notices it but doesn't say anything.

Alex and I have also been bombarded at work for the last week and I am grateful for the distraction from the thoughts in my head. The hustle and bustle during this time of year is great business and the tips are more than generous for the both of us. Whatever I make, I put right back into my college savings, when it isn't rent or bill week. I think I have been doing good so far. I am almost back at what I had and I feel the slightest bit better.

Even with everything going according to plan, the holidays inching closer and closer make me nervous and so not at ease at all. Thankfully, Cole has been like the friend I remembered and has kept me occupied by just being there for me. I don't open up about anything that is plaguing me and he doesn't pry. One day I will tell him everything, just not today or tomorrow, or anytime soon. I don't need the looks of pity that I am sure to receive.

It being Thanksgiving today makes my whole day dreary from the moment I woke up. I have envisioned the holidays being vibrant and full of life but now that I have nobody to spend it with, it is like any ordinary depressing as hell day. I blatantly go about my morning prepping the small turkey I had gotten, along with the yams and marshmallows and the green bean salad as for side dishes. It's not much but it will suffice.

Once all is done, I place a dish for myself to the side to eat when I am hungry and prep plates for a couple of people that I know would appreciate it, including one for my father. Whether he eats it or not is his problem. All I know is that he is still my father and I won't ignore him today, even though he'll have very little to say to me after emancipating myself and leaving him.

I pack a plate for the homeless lady, Theresa, and her dog, an elderly woman, Beatrice, that lives below me who thinks the meals on wheels will be her source of food for Thanksgiving, and one for her blind companion that she lives with, who I believes name is Doris. I walk towards the supermarket first where I know Theresa is and surprise her with a meal for her and a small bag of dog food for her little guy. Her eyes become filled with tears as she continuously thanks me and hugs me. Even her chihuahua licks me expressing thanks. Anytime I have the means to help them, I always do. I walk away feeling the warm and fuzzies on the inside, feeling good about doing something nice and generous for someone else.

Next, I bring down the plates for my neighbors, who also can't express enough what it means to them to have a home cooked meal for once. I have promised them that whenever they need some decent cooking, I will always be here to help them. I give the little old lady my number and she places it on her refrigerator with a magnet she said her grandson made her last Christmas, to hold it, promising me that she will be giving me a call.

I go back upstairs and call an Uber to take me first to my dads, and then to the cemetery to visit my mom. Even though she isn't here physically doesn't mean I can't chew her ear off by talking to her tombstone which provides me some sort of comfort. It is sad that I haven't been there since she was buried, so it will definitely hurt me a lot.

The trip to my dad's is quick, like I knew it would be. He opens the door and immediately takes the food. He doesn't offer me to come inside and I already know why. He believes I have left him just like mom had, even though they are both way too different of circumstances. It is so far from the truth that he reminds me so much of Justin. Both are stubborn, thick headed human beings that think they are the only ones to feel loss and abandonment.

After practically slamming the door in my face, I hop back into the Uber, who graciously waited for me, and make my way to the cemetery. Once we pull up, I pay the driver and give him a decent tip to which he is shocked. He thanks me relentlessly and I tell him to have a Happy Thanksgiving. I exit the car and take a deep breath in and out allowing myself just a moment before I make my way inside straight for my moms grave. Passing each grave is like a ping of hurt over and over. At least I am not the only one here. There are other mourners. I find my moms spot and sit down and begin to cry for what seems like ages. When I come to, I decide to have a heart to heart, hoping she is somehow listening.

"God mom. Why'd you leave me to do everything on my own? It hurts so much knowing that you aren't here to see me grow up, watch as I graduate and begin college, watch me get married and have my own children. They'll never know how great a grandmother you could have been. I want so desperately for you to be here for me when times get tough and I need a shoulder to cry on. I miss your embrace so damn much that it feels like I am drowning without you. I need you mom. I need to hear your laugh again and your words of wisdom to help me power through my days. You know I went back to high school and found Cole and Justin again? Dad was unwilling to let me go back so I made it my mission to emancipate myself because I needed to live a life for me. I couldn't remain dads prisoner any longer. Losing you made him lose himself and he isn't the same anymore mom. He is but a shell of the man we knew as your husband, and my father." I throw my head back and whimper. My heart hurts so much right now.

"Justin hates me. Cole seemingly has had feelings for me since forever. Did you know that? Was that why you were always reaching out to him about watching over me? This is all just too much for me to process without you here. Justin doesn't know the truth about why I left. He won't give me the time of day to even explain myself. I am just the girl that tore him in two. He places full blame on me and it hurts to see him hurting, and it hurts to feel his wrath aimed at me." I wipe at my tears, needing to take a breath.

"Cole has been by my side, consoling me, and I don't know mom. I can't choose between them. I feel as if I am doing something wrong. Not because of the feelings I once had for Justin, but because Cole is his brother. If they weren't related I know who I would choose but since they are, it is so hard to even fathom choosing one while breaking the other. Maybe I should have stayed away. Maybe I should have gone in that car with you instead of to the beach with them, and we would be together in the after life and I wouldn't have to go through all this misery. I am trying to stay afloat mom. I really am, but sometimes the dark thoughts invade my mind and I just want to let go." I blow my nose with my tissue and just continue to cry. I must look like a mess right now.

Having just sat here remaining silent after my little rant, I kiss my fingers and place them on my moms tombstone along with the flowers I had gotten her. I remove the old ones and place the new ones down before I leave.

"Happy Thanksgiving mom. I love you." I say before I hug my arms to my body and walk on out, once again calling an Uber to take me home. The sun has long faded and when the car pulls up to my building, I notice two familiar beings standing outside, both looking like they are freezing to death.

Memories.

Flashes of moments from my past come forward in my mind and I have to blink them away.

"You know you are our family too, right?" Said Justin all those years ago.

"Thank you." I tell the driver and pay, once again leaving a decent tip. I open the door and witness the two brothers turning around to see me exiting the car door and walk towards them.

"Hey sweet cheeks. Happy Thanksgiving." Cole says with a dashing smile as the other rolls his eyes. Guess even a holiday won't keep him from being an arrogant prick.

"I'm freezing my balls off here. Can we go inside." Justin says. I eye him with a scathing look not in the damn mood for his bullshit. Why Cole would ever bring him here is beyond me. I take a step forward needing him to look at me whether it be with hate or indecisiveness, and hear the words coming out of my mouth.

"You don't get to demand anything right now Justin. You don't get to come here and make my f*****g day more miserable than it already is. You know what? Here. Come inside. Want to see the life I am living right now and hear the truth of it all? Be my guest." I turn to open the first door and then the second, not even holding it open for them.

Let them catch it themselves.

I feel them and the tension lingering between all of us behind me as we go up the stairs to my apartment. I open my door and welcome them inside.

Cole already knows what the deal is and when he passes me, he gives me the only sympathetic look. He is carrying containers and he must have told his mom who they were for. I appreciate it but it doesn't quite reach my heart. Things aren't and will never be the same for me, or for us.

"Huh. Didn't peg you and your mom for a studio apartment kind of people. What the hell happened to your other apartment? Mom couldn't afford it so she had to go back to her two timing husband?" Justin spits and it is the last straw to break my back. To break the dam of overwhelmed emotions.

I've had enough of his vile lashings at me. I storm towards him and slap him in the face almost like the way I punched Cole the first day of eighth grade. The look of anger colors his face while Cole immediately comes closer and tries to stand in front of me but I give him a death glare to which he then stands behind me, most likely seeing how much I am shaking and trembling and sensing my rage.

"You are a son of a b***h you know that? This is where I live you egotistical jackass. This is what I could afford with the money my mom left me in order to pay for college. Daddy couldn't find the time to take care of me and rather I take care of him while he was drinking himself to death. I have been alone for the past three f*****g years Justin! My mom died the day you last saw me! She was killed in a head on collision that I so f*****g wish I were in ever since it happened. Instead I was with you two at the beach!" The look on his face is priceless now. I can sense that he knows he's f****d up but I don't stop. I continue.

"Do you know how many times I wanted to succumb to death? Do you know what it feels like to be locked away by your own parent thinking who went mentally insane after losing the first love of his life? I was homeschooled for ninth and tenth grade. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere unless it was to the local store and back, only because daddy dearest needed his Vodka. I have been living in hell for three long a*s years and when I come back to try and rectify our relationship, just try to regain our friendship, all I get from you is hatred! I am so done with the bullshit. I am so done with the f*****g hurt. I am so done with everything. You wanted to know the truth so here it is. I am a seventeen year old girl that is newly emancipated with no mother and no father. I live all by myself, go to school, and work to try and replace the money I took from the very last good thing my mother did for me in her life. I celebrated Thanksgiving by trying to help those in need but still felt hollow inside." I say while gripping my chest.

"There is an ache in my chest that nothing or nobody can fix at this point. I wept on my mothers grave before coming back here to continue my day in solitude, only to wind up yelling at you till I am blue in the face!" I can feel all the rage festering inside of me. My veins feel like they are burning right through my skin. I must look bat s**t crazy but this has been a long time coming.

"This is my life now Justin. Happy? Happy knowing the truth of it all? Does it make you feel better knowing how much I have suffered? Hope it does because whatever you and I ever had is long f*****g dead. Now if you don't f*****g mind, get the hell out of my apartment!" I yell at Justin while shaking and on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Hannah....I'm...." Justin begins to speak in a tone that reminds me of who he used to be but I cut him off.

"You're what? You're sorry? I don't need your apology because it's too little too late. You thought I hurt you all those years ago? You don't know the meaning of hurt. You have a mom and dad that love you. You have a brother that would act selfless just so you could be happy at one point in time. You have everything! No, I'm sorry. You don't have everything. You don't have me. I loved you so f*****g much Justin Perry but you chose to have my love for you die in your heart because of what? You thought I ghosted you or something? We were young but I wasn't stupid. I wasn't heartless. Don't come near me anymore. You got your answers so leave. I don't want you around me anymore. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!!!" I scream while Cole comes to wrap his arms around me from behind but I shimmy out of his embrace and run and lock myself in my bathroom. I scream and smash my mirror and toss everything to the floor in a fit of rage. I finally feel depleted and run my body down the wall and collapse on the floor hysterically crying.

I hate the holidays.

Why did I ever come back?

I should have been in that car.

Not here.