Torn Between Two

Thirteen

I finally rise to my feet after god knows how long, unlock the bathroom door, open it, only to find Cole crashing right down, bumping his head on the linoleum floor.

How long has he been here?

Did he stay the entire time?

"s**t, ow." He says groggily, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head. I bend down to assess him but he seems to be fine. I get up and walk over to raid my freezer for an ice pack and wrap it up in a paper towel.

"Here." I say softly, handing him the ice pack which he takes it without hesitation.

"Thank you." He replies with the smallest smile while placing the ice pack on the back of his head. He gets up and moves over to the couch and I follow wanting to know why he is still here. He could have just left with his brother. Part of me wish he had. The other part is overcome with emotion over how much he might actually care.

Don't kid yourself.

Nobody will want you.

You're f****d up in the head.

"You know you could have left with Justin. You didn't need to stay. I've been on my own for some time now. I've been battling the demons inside me by myself for so long. I don't need a babysitter, even though I appreciate your concern." I look at him and he seems, lost? Sad? I'm not even sure. My head is pounding from all the crying and my hands have cuts on them from tearing my bathroom apart. Sadly, it looks like a tornado hit in there. Last time I tore apart a room was the day I found my father balls deep in another woman.

Right now I am pretty ashamed of how I acted and responded, but I blame it on all the stress of the holidays, plus stress with not knowing how my future looks with people I once called my best friends, and the fact that I am considerably broken inside has all barreled its way to the surface. The only way to let it out was to go balls out crazy.

Wasn't a great look on me but I am happy it was in the comfort of my own home rather than at school where I would have had an audience and probably would have found myself plastered all over social media dubbing me as the psycho of Hamilton High.

Cole places the ice pack down and pulls me closer to him. It is now his turn to assess the damage to my hands and skin and stands to head over to the sink, soaking a paper towel with water and comes back to take care of my injuries. He dabs lightly the blood surrounding the cuts.

"Do you have a first aid kit?" He says softly and I nod and point to the bathroom. I look away as he stands once again heading to the ruined bathroom. He finds the kit and comes back and uses the triple ointment on my cuts and places a band aid on the bigger cut I didn't even know I had.

"You can just leave it on the table. Please don't go back in there. I...I don't know what came over me. It's been a long time coming for this showdown but I....I'm not okay Cole. I'm so far from being okay that I think I made a mistake ever coming back here. You both are better off without me. I told the same thing to Justin just recently that he should forget I even existed. You should too. You don't need my drama. You..." He cuts me off immediately by placing his lips on mine. It's definitely a shocking move and I begin to pull away but he won't allow it. He places his hand on the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. My body takes a mind of its own when I drape my legs across his lap and straddle him.

He deepens the kiss by begging for entry into my mouth with his tongue and I quickly succumb to his demands. I know it might sound crazy but kissing him is like having a revelation. Every fiber of my being is on fire. His hands move down the length of my body, giving me the tingles, and grips my hips starting to move me to grind against his rapidly rising length.

Shit, this shouldn't feel this damn good.

It startles me and I moan because it feels too good. I am rocking my core against him and I could burst into oblivion if I keep going. If that is all it takes to come undone, how the hell would it be if we were to go all the way? I can't help but need more. I am powerless right now to even want to stop what is happening between us.

The passionate kiss penetrates all the way deep down into my soul and it heats up my body from top to bottom in a way I have never felt before, not even with Justin. Sure my kiss was intense with Justin, thinking that I was soaring into the clouds, but this here is an entirely different feeling. A feeling that I want more of.

Our tongues dance with each other and by the time we finally pull apart, we are a panting mess. My eyes stare into his darkened hooded ones and I see him in a different light. His length continues to hit my throbbing core and I bite down on my lip. I close my eyes and moan, ready to take this further.

Needing to take this further.

"Cole." I whisper his name while still grinding against him needing the friction.

"f**k Hannah." He says in such a gruff voice that I shiver. He squeezes my hips that is a bit painful but I don't feel anything but pleasure. However, it is like a switch flips in his mind that he immediately picks me up and places me to the side of him. The movement makes me jolt off the couch as I begin to feel cold and dejected. The loss of contact with his body is like a bucket of cold water tossed in my face.

I put considerable distance between us and it makes him snap into realization of what he has done. Guess the brothers have something in common. I am their worst regret. The thought hits me hard in the beating organ I have in my chest which feels like it is freezing up. I stand with narrowed eyes at him while he watches me with pained eyes.

"Let me guess. You have come to regret ever doing that with the likes of me. God Cole, am I that hideous? Am I that unworthy of someone actually liking me? I am not looking for your undying love and devotion here. All I wanted was to feel anything other than pain and abandonment." I belt out feeling like utter s**t, again.

"s**t. No Hannah. No, it's not like that. I'm not purposely pushing you away. You are not a regret believe me. I've been wanting to do that since day one. I...I just didn't want you to think I was taking advantage. I want to do that when you have a clear mind and all. Please, don't recoil. Don't think anything negative. Shit." He says possibly mentally freaking out and he runs his hand through his scalp, holding onto the back of his neck, looking at me with a panicked expression.

"Don't Cole. Just...don't. I need to be alone. I need time to think. I need time to just breath and I can't if you and Justin are constantly hurting me." I say shaking my head really, really needing to be alone.

"Hannah, please. Listen to me." He says but I cover my ears. I don't want to hear any excuses that are all bullshit to me. Justin pushed me away once and now his brother did. I can't go back there. I can't keep having them break me and break themselves. I need to distance myself from the both of them.

"I can't keep doing this Cole. You literally just pushed me away and now you expect me to think it was because you didn't want to take advantage of me? I am not going to stand around waiting for both of you to pull your heads out of your asses. I know for a fact that Justin and I are a lost cause. We were young and dumb. I never expected to come back here to pick up where we left off. I just needed my friends back. I think it's for the best from now on that we just remain friends or, better yet, not be friends at all. I don't want to wait around, watching you with every other girl that is far better than me, probably more experienced, for you to only come to realize that maybe you should have just taken a chance with me. I deserve someone to be there for me. To like everything about me. To honestly have me believe that I could be it for them. I've been through hell and all I want is to not feel hollow. I don't want to feel this hole in my heart any more." A lone tear falls down my cheek and he comes closer to brush it off my cheek with his thumb but I take a step back.

"I'm fine Cole. Just go. I'll see you at school." I gesture to the door and his eyes widen. His stubbornness hasn't dwindled in the slightest. He comes even closer and having him this close is killing me.

"Like hell am I leaving you alone. I'll stay on the couch but the last thing I want to do is leave when you feel like this. Please. Don't push me away. Don't do that. I want everything with you. I want you. I don't want to keep waiting to claim you as my own. There is nobody else for me. Don't say that you don't want me to be your friend. Don't say that you need someone to make you feel worthy. I am and will forever be that person for you. I want you Hannah. I want all of you, now, tomorrow, always. I stopped myself because I can't go there, marking you as mine, and then have you regret what we did because of my brother. He may seem like a jackass but I know the fucker still wants you. I want you to fully think about what it is that you want and who it is that you want. If I go there with you and you wind up wanting him, I'll never be the same." He says so matter of factly but right now, I don't believe any of it, and I just nod, too exhausted to even argue, and walk away to my room. I enter and close my door. I crawl into my bed and bury myself underneath my blankets completely drained. Tears fall from my eyes and I allow them to make my eyes heavy.

It's times like these that I need you mom.

Sleep immediately overtakes my body leading me to dreams of what could have happened on that couch if Cole hadn't pushed me away.

Dreams of what could be if Cole and I were to be together.

Dreams of how I could ruin everything between brothers that need each other more than they need me.

Dreams of living in complete emptiness.

I wake up the next morning with a pounding headache and make my way out of my room to see Cole making coffee. I watch as he places two cups by the coffee pot and I silently make my way to the bathroom. The initial shock of how the room looks makes me take a step back.

Everything has been cleaned and put back together.

He even replaced the mirror.

How the hell did he manage to do that?

I set aside the need to know and observe myself in the mirror and cringe. I desperately need to take a shower so I grab a towel and turn on the water. I hop in, allowing the hot water to dull the ache in my body. I wash my hair, scrub my body with the new body wash I purchased, rinse and turn the water off, drying my body with the towel, then wrapping it around myself and exit the bathroom. Cole is still standing by the kitchen, looking out the window, seemingly in his own head. Memories of how he made me feel last night pop into my head, but I quickly banish them to the back of my mind where they belong.

He pushed me away.

I rush into my room and get dressed, ready to brace but another day. I take a breath and walk out of my room to only come face to face with Cole who is lurking right outside my door.

"Morning." He says and offers me a cup of coffee. He must remember how I drink it because it tastes perfect.

"Thank you for cleaning up. You really didn't have to." I say, taking another sip.

"It gave me something to do. I couldn't sleep. Not after everything that happened last night. Not after everything I did and everything you said. I need to rectify this. I can't lose you. I've done it once, I don't think I can do it again. I f****d up. I know I did." He says with such sincerity laced with a bit of fear. Demanding that I need space is the only way to protect myself and them. Justin and Cole need each other more than they need me. It's time to realize that we all will never be what we once were to one another, and we were friends first.

"Cole..." I say placing my coffee on the counter and his body can sense what I am about to say.

"No. I am not giving up on us. I am not giving up on you. You can tell me to stay away. You can tell me forget you but it just won't happen. It can't. God my f*****g brother is the cause of all this. This is all his doing." He booms and I let him vent his frustrations. Who am I to stop him when he seen me unleash my fury last night?

"I gave Justin the opportunity to have you, to make you his, to make you happy and he did until he was forced to go on with his life without you. He has gone from girl to girl in order to get you out of his f*****g head but it never worked. His need to hate you took over and when he finally found you again he unleashed his wrath and I still believed he deserved a chance to redeem himself. You don't get it Hannah. I have been selfless for way too long. It is time for me to be selfish and the only thing I want or need in my life is you. Do you remember Valentine's Day and you found a rose on your locker? That was me. If I couldn't refrain myself from staying away then, what makers you think I'll be able to now? Now that the truth is out there, we can start fresh. Just give me a chance. That's all I am asking for." By the time he finishes, his eyes are pleading nearing to tears and breathless. My heart constricts with his words but it is time for me to be selfless. Letting him go now will hurt, but he needs to mend his relationship with his brother before he can even be able to choose what he wants for himself. He might think he wants me but what if down the road, his relationship with Justin is just too strained and he comes to resent me? I wouldn't be able to live with that on my conscience.

"I need time Cole. You need time. As does Justin. Me coming back did more harm then good and I need to fix myself before I can commit to anything or anyone. You two are brothers. I'm just the third wheel. Let me mend myself as you mend your brotherly bond." He takes a step back as if my words are wounding him.

"How much time?" He says and I just shrug because I can't give him an approximate amount of time before everything gets better between all of us. He nods his head and grabs his jacket from the couch and walks towards my door. He doesn't look back but exhales before opening the door.

"It's always been you and will always be you. Take the time you need. When you are ready, you know where to find me. If not, just know that this could have been real. Goodbye Hannah." He says before leaving my apartment, leaving me to have the void within me grow a thousand times more.