Torn Between Two

Fourteen

Cole

I leave Hannah's apartment, fearing that if I don't push myself to put further distance between us, that I will barge my way back in there and beg for her to be mine. Leaving her, no matter how much I want to respect her wishes, is a feeling I can't bare. At this point, I will drop to my knees and plead with her to give me a chance.

Pushing her aside last night after every dream of mine was coming true was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I wanted to continue. I wanted to cross the line and forge a connection with her that will be forever ours. I wanted to brand her mine and sink so far deep inside her that she would've been ruined for all other guys. I wanted that bond to be ours to remember for a lifetime but my conscience decided to come into play and that is why I pushed her away.

Shit between her and my brother is hardly over. He learned the truth last night. He learned that instead of simply finding out what had happened to her, he decided to play bad guy and remain adamant that it was her choice and her fault for leaving him. Watching her break down, yelling her truth was t*****e. It was t*****e to know just how much she went through and it was t*****e to watch as my brothers face continued to fall. It was then I saw the look of utter defeat mar his face.

He realized then and there just how much he f****d up. He realized to what extent he had f****d everything up to the point where she was screaming that she hated him. I could see the wheels turning in his mind as he looked at me for a split second. That split second told me everything I needed to know.

My brother will do everything in his power to win her back.

How can I compete with him? How can I have myself believe that if I had lost my virginity last night to her, that she wouldn't break my heart and run back to him? If she did, I would never be the same. I would have given her a part of me that I have never wanted to give anyone else unlike my brother who whips it out for any piece of a*s he can find.

I'm on autopilot so I don't even notice that I am home. I storm into my house, taking two steps at a time heading for my room, opening it to find Justin sitting on my bed.

"The f**k do you want?" I say seething while ripping my jacket off my body and throwing it on my desk. I lean against it, eyeing my brother, not wanting to be anywhere near him at the moment. I don't trust that I won't punch him square in the jaw.

"You slept over didn't you?" He says and all I can do is nod. I won't lie to him. Let him believe what he wants. I'm done caring.

"I f****d up. I f****d up so bad Cole. What the f**k is wrong with me?" He shoots up off the bed and walks towards my window, looking out, much like I had done in Hannah's kitchen this morning.

"What's wrong with you is that you let your heart freeze over and decided that Hannah was public enemy number one. You colored her the villain and eventually believed yourself. You let the rage consume you and it only made things worse. Knowing everything now, what are you planning on doing because from the looks of it, you are number one on her s**t list." I say with no emotion. He doesn't get to grovel and whine. He made his bed. He has to lie in it now after everything he has put her through.

"I'm going to try my best and fix things. What the f**k do you think I'm going to do? She loved me once, she'll love me again. You told me that once I had found out the truth that we can go into this fairly so I am making it known that you can try all you want to make her yours but she will be mine again." He says and turns to look at me with a smug expression.

"Well, good luck on that idea because she has requested space. Space away from you and me. I'll allow all the space she needs but let's get one thing straight brother, she will be mine. I have been there from the start with her. I've made her laugh, held her when she cried, listened to her open her heart up about anything she wanted to talk to me about. I picked up the pieces when you were too blind to see what you could of had. I allowed you to take her away from me but no more. I love her just as much as you do and I was willing and I am still willing to show her. You have been w*****g around, jumping from girl to girl. You think she'll want someone like that?" I push myself off the table and stalk towards him, coming face to face with him. He scoffs like that doesn't mean s**t.

"Like you haven't dabbled from girl to girl." He snickers and I give him a sinister smirk. He doesn't know s**t about me.

"Unlike you brother, I have self control, just like I did last night when I could have easily pounded into her right then and there on her couch. I would have given every part of me if it weren't for you, the d**k wad that continuously breaks her heart. I am not an asshole like you. I know there are feelings somewhere deep down inside of her for you, which I really can't understand why. She wants space so I'll give her space but better believe that once she is ready to move forward, I will make it my soul mission to show her that I can be everything she needs, and more." I watch as Justin's jaw ticks and move to open my door for him to leave.

He walks out without another word and I release the breath I didn't even know I was holding. I close my door and rest my head on it, hoping to god that once she is ready, she'll come find me and not him.

The days turn into nights on and on and with each passing day do I watch over Hannah. I watch as her face breaks out into a smile which becomes bigger and bigger whenever she is with Alex. I watch as they talk with one another on their way to their classes, at gym, and even at lunch. You can say that I am a tad bit obsessed over this girl.

I just get some sense of calm knowing that she is doing okay. I just need to see her face, hear her laugh, see her smile to keep my sanity in tact. Little by little does her full brightness begin to show and it looks like the vibrant girl I once remember is back from the dead. The girl I fell in love with once upon a time is once again blossoming.

I have held up my end of the bargain and have granted her space. She needed the time to come to terms with the life she has begun back here and I get it, I do, but I miss her so damn much. Justin, on the other hand has been trying to gain her attention but she remains adamant about her decision to cut ties with him. Her forgiveness won't be instantaneous and he needs to realize that.

She is not just going to welcome him with open arms and place herself at his side like nothing ever happened. He tries and tries but fails miserably. Does it fill me with some kind of joy to know that I could possibly have a chance? Of course. Like I told her before walking out of her apartment that day, it will always be her.

Christmas is upon us in a mere few short days and I know for a fact that it will be a sad holiday for her and I do not want her to be alone. I know she asked for space but I am not going to sit back and watch as she plummets into a pit of depression when I know damn well that I can offer her support. s**t just being in the same room as her will undoubtedly put us both at ease. We don't even have to talk. I bring myself back into the now and walk inside the coffee shop Alex and her work at.

I walk up to the counter expecting Hannah to be there but come face to face with Alex. She offers me a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. She definitely knows the backstory between Hannah, Justin, and I.

"Hey Cole, what can I get you?" She asks politely.

"Um, I'll take a small peppermint mocha. Thanks." I say eyeing the board of coffees above her head. She types up the order and gives me a knowing look.

"She called out today. She isn't feeling well." She says as I tap my debit card on the card reader they recently installed to keep up with the times.

"Is she ok?" I ask while placing my card back in my wallet.

"It's Christmas time. What do you think? All the bubbly smiles have disappeared. I feel helpless you know? There's only so many times I can offer her a place to crash during the holidays and winter break. She's determined to wallow alone. I know you care about her. I know Justin does too but for some odd reason, I can see you being more to her than anything else in the world and I think it is you she needs right about now." I just stand there processing what she said to me as she hands me my coffee.

"Thanks Alex. Merry Christmas." I smile and turn to walk out to only barrel into my brother. I look at him as he looks past me and I know he is looking for her too.

"She called out today." I say as he nods and we begin to walk home together.

"Alex is worried about her. She's spiraling once again. If you can push your feelings against me having feelings for her then I will do the same. We need to be there for her. We were all once friends first. Feelings f****d that all up and I refuse to see that mess with her now. Whoever she chooses, whoever she wants more with, can all wait." I say, taking another sip of my little slice of heaven in a cup. He shoves his hands into his pockets.

"This will be our metaphorical white flag for one another. She needs a support system right about now more than f*****g drama. School is out for Christmas break tomorrow so we need to come up with a plan and quick." He says and we discuss what we could possibly do to just be there for her like we once were. No matter the issues at hand, no matter how much we want her to ourselves, the fact of the matter is that she is our family and family always comes first. s**t happens, life happens, but no matter what, she is still number one in our hearts and will always be.

"Come on. I have an idea, and it involves Santa suits." I say as Justin rolls his eyes and knows exactly what my plan is. I just hope she can see how much we truly care about her and how much we both actually love her, and care about her.

The following day comes and goes like a blur. I don't even remember anything my teachers had discussed. Lunch passes me by as I watch Alex and Hannah sit quietly outside, knowing that tomorrow is plaguing my girls thoughts. When the final bell tolls, I rush out and make my way to the costume spot and pick up mine and Justin's suits. We are working together on this so maybe there is hope for him after all to at least gain civil interaction with her instead of silence. I rush home with the suits so I could begin getting ready for tomorrow by wrapping my gifts for her, when I hear Justin's voice downstairs along with another well known, high pitched voice.

Jackie.

Let the shitstorm begin.