To Love and Avenge

Chapter 19 Monster Inside

I know I scared him the moment I brought him into that place. What I think scares him the most is when I let him have a sneak peak of the real me.

“Uncle, have a seat first, I’ll go get you a drink.” I said before I left him to fetch a glass of water. I turn to see and observe him, since we left that place, he didn’t say a single word, instead, his eyes look so agitated and restless, and he is currently in deep thought.

What might he be thinking? Does he think that I am— duhh… whatever.

And I walked back toward him and handed him the water. He just accepted it and never drank right away. He looked up at me instead. There is an emptiness in his eyes and… wait, did I just see piti in it? Or was it fear? It’s a mix of emotions I am often confused about.

“Did I scare you?” I asked despite the fear of hearing his answer.

“Honey, those things don't scare me a bit, what I am afraid of is for you.” he said and patted the vacant seat beside him. Gesturing me to sit down which I obediently did.

“What do you mean by that?” my heartbeat skipped a moment as I waited for his answer. I don’t know, but it seemed to me that his answer matters.

“I’m afraid that one day, you will no longer be the Ale we used to know. You are becoming a monster that you’ve hated the most.” and he held my hands into his, tenderly, like a loving father ever concerned for his child.

Now, it made me wish that my dad was right beside me, but I can’t. I don't know how he will deal if he will know this side of me. Maybe, this makes me comfortable confiding in Roldan since at the very first place he understands me more than dad.

“But–”

“No buts Ale, just hear me out. Okay?” I nod,

“D’you think your mom is happy with this?” I shook my head and stayed silent.

“Then why are you doing this? I wanted to understand you. I once lost a very beautiful child but never did I once think of revenge. Instead I let the authorities take the responsibility to find justice. We grief, mourn and call it whatever you want but–”

“Let the authorities? For God’s sake it's been two decades and yet, there is still no progress. Sure, mom won't be happy about this, but what can she do? She’s dead and I became the person I am today because she died, -cause if not? I will not be doing this. You should be the one to understand where I came.” I blurted out pulling my hands from him and stood up.

“No one wanted you to be what you think you are.”

“I don't want it either, but I have to do this.”

“I understand that you are hurt, everyone in your family is hurt, believe me, they are too. But they didn’t hold grudges.”

Hearing his words made me stop. I blinked my eyes as I look at him, absorbing what he had just said.

Yes, I am hurt, my family too. This pushed me to revenge. Ain’t I happy? No! Not until i kill all of them…

“No one understands me. The pain and my plans, those are what makes me feel alive Roldan… it keeps me alive–” I shouted at him but immediately stop.

Did he cry? Oh, ale, what have you done? What now… what now? I shouted at him to let him know how I feel, I am venting my anger over things, and lately I realise that I am starting to lose control. I frustratingly comb my fingers through my hair.

This is so not me, I was supposed to be always in control. Lately, I can’t just think straight. What added my frustrations are those events that happened at home… and Dauis.

“Im sorry uncle Roldan.” I asked apologetically. I don't intend to vent to him.

“Don't be sorry Ale, I failed.”

“Failed for what?” I asked, very confused from his words. Am I missing something?

“I promised to help you, not just about the case, but through your pain. I have treated you like my own, and it pained to me seeing you become like this. You deliberately cosumed by your anger. Think of it Ale, you are hurting yourself, and someday you will be hurting your family too, more than anyone else.” with that, he turned his back to me. And declared…

“I think I have to keep going now, you don't need any of my help I guess…”

“Uncle…”

“ you’ve gone this far, I think you can very well do whatever you want. But please…” he pause but never turn to look me.

“Think of it wisely Ale, think of your family and that of those who loves you.”

“I will, I have Mang Kanor help you out.” I said before I walked inside my room.

Now, sitting in the middle of my room, and in the darkness, I tried to remember every detail of my past including those times when mom is still around.

*******

“Ale, you are so beautiful inside and out.”

“I know right, mom.” and I giggle as she snuggles my neck. I always love to cuddle and to smell her scent, everything about her.

“When the time comes, that you find things to be difficult, always follow your heart. We sometimes need to use our head if necessary, but in deciding things, always use this ( pointing her index finger in my chest). Remember that I love you, so dad and your two brothers, okay?” she said as while she slowly caress my cheeks.

“Okay!”

“And no matter what happen, know this, always do the right thing, my love.”

“Yes mom, you can count me in on that.”

“And when the time comes, that, when you feel like the world will turned it’s back on you, and made you confused, always stay what and who you are because who you are now defines who you become in the future, no matter what. Do you understand?”

I smiled at her and later closed my eyes as I soon drifted into sleep.

*******

It was my last memory of her, it was the day before the a*******n…

I closed my eyes at the memory and laid back to my bed in a fatal position. My tears began to flow freely like a water in the stream, unstoppable. I stayed still for God knows how long.

I became the monster that I was once scared of and have grown to hate over the time. Due to my hunger for revenge, I became exactly the reflection of the person I got to hate the most, persons responsible of my miseries.

“What have I done…” URGHHH!!! I screamed in frustration, and the burning sensation wanted to escape from inside me.

“I’m sorry mom that I have become like this. My pains, anger and wantness for revenge brought out the monster inside. I need you mom, now more than ever.”