Addicted

Chapter 5

KIANDRE ZIAR SANDOVAL

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Nilapag ni dad ang toasted bread sa mesa and started peeling an apple.

Pinanuod ko lang siya bago ko magawang itanong ang bagay na kanina pa nasa isip ko.

"Dad..."

Bumaling ito sa akin habang binabalatan pa rin ang mansanas. "Hmm?"

"How should we... court a woman?"

Sandali itong hindi sumagot before he grinned at me.

"I don't have so much experience on that."

"Didn't you court mom?"

"She's mine already when I did. I just... tried to make her feel special. Actually, even until now."

Simple akong humugot ng malalim na hininga.

Hindi naman nawala ang ngisi sa mga labi ni dad. "Why? You're courting a woman now?"

Hindi ko nagawang sumagot. I really had no idea about it.

"Start making a move now."

"How do you... make a woman l-like you?" alangang tanong ko.

He laughed softly. "You better ask your mom. Patay na patay siya sa akin eh," he joked, and we both chuckled, "Seriously, you don't need to do anything. Just be you. Be confident. You're handsome, you're my son, and you're a Sandoval. Every woman will fall for you."

"Not everyone... likes me."

Dad smirked at me. "Change their minds."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit para bang wala siyang nakikitang mali sa akin. I didn't have kuya King's appeal na kahit tumayo sa isang sulok ay pinagkakaguluhan na ng mga babae. I also didn't have kuya Kurseiv's charm that even doing nothing kayang-kayang magpakilig ng mga babae.

Some women even called me plain and boring.

"Come on, let's give this to your mom." Inakbayan ako ni dad habang hawak ang tray sa kanang kamay niya. "I can't give you a technique. Baka palayasin ako ng mommy mo."

Mom was signing some papers sa mesa malapit sa garden area. Binaba ni dad ang tray sa mesa at umupo naman ako sa gilid ni mom.

"Let's set these papers aside first," dad said habang inaayos ang mga papel sa harap ni mom at ito na rin ang nag-aayos ng pinggan sa harap nito, "There, eat first, love."

"Thanks, love," mom said with a smile on her lips.

Dad wrapped his arm around mom's shoulder and reached her lips.

"You're always welcome, mahal."

"Dad! I think the hose is broken here, can you help me, please?" Narinig naming sigaw ni Kal sa garden. Kanina pa ito nagdidilig ng mga halaman doon.

"Coming, babe."

Naramdaman ko ang paghaplos ni mom sa braso ko. Ngumiti siya sa akin.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, mom."

"That's good. Do you want to eat? Come on, share tayo."

"I'm already done, mom."

Inayos niya ang buhok ko at sandaling hinaplos ang pisngi ko. "Okay."

I just watched her while she was eating her foods at pinapasadahan pa rin ng tingin ang hawak niyang papel.

I was hesitant to ask her questions, but maybe she had noticed it already.

"What is it?" Hindi ako nakasagot agad. "You can tell mom."

"I'm just... w-wondering... what do you think of stri-- strippers, mom?"

She remained looking at me na ikinakabog ng dibdib ko. Maybe she was wondering why I suddenly asked that question.

"Well... what should I be thinking about them? For me, they are normal people too."

Hindi ko alam kung dapat akong makahinga nang maluwag. I just wanted to know kung... magagawa niyang tanggapin si Arin.

"Just like what I always tell you and your siblings, always respect all people regardless kung anong klaseng trabaho ang meron sila. Well, maybe you could exclude those doing illegal things. Work is work. We are all doing something kasi kailangan natin at gusto natin, hmm?"

I gulped something down my throat before asking another question.

"How did you like dad?"

Muli itong hindi sumagot. Binaba niya ang hawak na papel and just give me her full attention.

"I think I'm not prepared for this," she joked and drank her water. "Hmm, I can't actually remember the exact date kung kailan ko siya nagustuhan and I really don't know kung bakit. It's like... suddenly it was there. I felt it. For me, it's one of the questions hard to answer even until now. I remember, almost everything about him ay malaking X sa akin. Ang daming bagay na ginagawa at sinasabi niya na hindi ko gusto, but I still ended up loving him."

"You mean... you don't know the exact reason?"

"Hmh-mm, I believe it's possible to love someone even without knowing the reason. Love is unpredictable. It doesn't always have to be explained."

"May I know... something dad always does that you love the most?"

"I like that your dad's always willing to do everything for the people he truly loves."

"Can you still remember the first time dad gave you flowers? Did that make you happy?"

Mom gave me a wide smile. "Of course, I can't forget that. Hindi naman kasi siya ang tipo na nagbibigay ng bulaklak."

"May... isang bagay ba na gustong-gusto mong ginagawa ni dad sa'yo?"

"Hindi isang bagay, but everything. Big or small gestures from our loved ones really matters. I appreciate every little things he does even simple touch and and a simple look. I'm happy na from the start even until now pinagbabalat niya pa rin ako ng mansanas. And you know, I appreciate it so much na ginagawa ng daddy mo 'yung mga bagay para sa akin kahit alam niyang kaya kong gawin on my own." Muling hinaplos ni mom ang braso ko, still smiling at me. "Are you courting a woman now?"

Pakiramdam ko ay umakyat na lahat ng dugo sa mukha ko.

"Know the person well like what I always tell you and your sisters. It's fine to meet new people outside our family circle but always see pure hearts and intentions. I would like you to meet new friends and people that will be part of your life forever. You know mommy's always afraid na masaktan kayo ng ibang tao, but I will always leave the decisions to all of you. I trust you. You win or lose; I'm here."

Pinilit kong ngumiti sa kanya.

"And don't worry too much that a woman won't like you. You're so handsome," nakangiting sambit nito while caressing my cheek, "Smart, kind, gentleman... hmm, what else?"

"Mom, don't you think I'm b-boring?"

"Boring? No. Of course not. You know a lot of things, babe. I'm sure a lot of women are interested in someone with a genuine heart and intentions. Always remember that the right person will appreciate who you are. Please don't marry muna, okay? Don't break my heart."

I chuckled. "Of course not, mom."

"Come here."

Umusog ako palapit sa kanya and hugged her back.

"I hope your dad didn't tell you to bring her to a room."

"He didn't."

"Thank God."

Muli akong mahinang napatawa. She again held my cheek and looked into my eyes.

"Just give her flowers or ask her for a movie and... take time to know every small detail about her. That matters."

"Thank you so much, mom."

I was nervous the next day. Naghanap ako ng magandang flower shop sa internet and I dressed up presentable.

It was like the first time I had dinner with her. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganoon na lang ang kaba ko sa tuwing naiisip ko ang ano mang bagay tungkol sa kanya.

Tumayo ako sa gilid ng sasakyan ko sa harap ng club kung saan siya nagtatrabaho. Most men around were looking at me maybe because of the bouquet in my hand.

Hinintay kong lumabas si Arin ng club. She didn't reply to my message, but I was hoping that she would show up kahit alam kong may trabaho pa siya sa ganoong oras.

Hindi pa rin ako mapakali. Pakiramdam ko ay lalabas na ang puso mula sa dibdib ko nang makita ko itong lumabas sa entrance ng club.

Wala sa loob na tinago ko ang bouquet sa likuran ko.

She wasn't wearing her mask. Sanay na rin akong makita itong manipis ang damit at kita ang halos buong katawan.

Lalo akong nakaramdam ng kaba nang maamoy ko ang pamilyar na pabango nito. She smelled so sweet... like a strawberry.

"What?"

I absentmindedly gulped something down my throat bago ko ilabas ang bulaklak mula sa likuran ko.

Sinundan niya iyon ng tingin bago muling ibalik sa akin ang mga mata niya.

"So unusual, a man's giving a bouquet of flowers in front of a strip club. Women here don't like flowers, they like money."

Nakaramdam naman ako agad ng disappointment thinking that she didn't like it.

"I'll just... I'll just throw this away..."

Akmang hahakbang ako pero kinuha niya ang bouquet mula sa akin.

"What do you want?"

Sunod-sunod akong napalunok.

"I- I just-- uh, I wanna... I--"

I wanted to curse myself for panicking and for stuttering so much. Tila gusto ko na lang magpakain sa lupa sa sobrang kahihiyan.

I felt like my whole body was sweating.

"I... I want to ask you for a... date."

Nanatili itong nakatingin sa mga mata ko that made me feel more nervous.

"Do you accept no as an answer?"

Hindi ako nakasagot. A minute had passed pero hindi ko pa rin iyon nasasagot. She turned her back at nagsimulang humakbang palayo.

I remember the last time we talked. Magulo iyon sa isip ko, but I knew to myself na kahit 'no' ang maging sagot niya, I would keep on trying.

Naglakas ako ng loob na sundan siya and held her hand. Marahan ko iyong hinila hanggang sa mabuksan ko ang pintuan ng passenger seat.

Nasulyapan ko pa ang mga mata nito bago ko maisara ang pinto. Nagpakawala ako ng marahas na hininga bago ako pumasok sa driver's s seat.

"Is there... a place you would like to go to?"

I still couldn't believe that I was able to do that, but I tried to keep thinking straight.

"Be the pilot."

Binaling ko rin agad ang tingin ko sa daan bago ko pa hindi na magawa.

Matagal akong nag-iisip ng lugar kung saan ko siya p'wedeng dalhin. I thought of bringing her to a park. Naisip ko lang na baka hindi ganoong klase ng luhar na pinupuntahan niya. Maybe... we could try something new for her.

Pagkadating doon ay bumaba agad ako ng sasakyan para pagbuksan siya ng pinto.

Magulo pa rin ang isip ko dahil hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat gawin o dapat sabihin. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula.

Nanatili lang kami sa paghakbang habang simple ko namang tinitingnan ang mga ilaw at ang mga tao sa paligid na may sari-sariling buhay.

Muli akong lumunok bago ako magsalita.

"Thank you... for being here with me."

Hindi ito sumagot. For a moment naging blanko ang isip ko.

"H-have you... been in places like this?"

"When I was a kid," tipid na sagot nito.

I led her to see some historical statues and sculptures while giving her information about them.

We also went to the small aquarium and fed the fish. She was very quiet. I wanted to know more about her, but I guess it won't be easy. Hindi ko tinanggal an mga mata sa kanya.

I felt like... she was surrounded by giant walls that were hard to break. She was like a puzzle that was hard to arrange and fix. Masaya akong nakasama siya. Her presence was more than enough kahit pa hindi ko marinig ang tinig niya.

Napansin ko ang parating na train na may sakay na ilang tao.

"Arin..." I called her and gently get her hand.

May bakanteng upuan pa sa dulo ng train. Iginiya ko siya papunta roon. Nagsimula na iyong umandar at hindi ko namalayang hawak ko pa rin ang kamay niya. It felt good to hold, but I chose to let go.

Sandali ko lang tiningnan ang paligid bago matuon ang atensyon ko sa kanya. She was so beautiful in any angle. She was a beautiful mystery.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

Mas lalo akong nakaramdam ng kabog sa dibdib ko nang bumaling ito sa akin.

"I'm sorry... if this-- date bores you. Please allow me to know you more... so I'll know how to make you h-happy."

"You know what I don't like about this place?"

Nanatili akong nakatingin sa mga matang iyon still craving to see something from it.

"People."

"I'm.... I'm sorry. I can... take you to a quiet place... but can we make a wish first?"

Muli kong kinuha ang kamay niya nang huminto ang train sa harap ng fountain. Magkatabi kaming huminto sa hagdan habang nakatingin sa tubig sa ibaba na mayroong iba't-ibang kulay.

Kumuha ako ng coins sa coat ko at ibinigay sa kanya ang isa.

"Let's try it. Maybe it'll answer our wishes."

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at may ngiti sa mga labing humiling ako sa isip ko.

I wished to know her more... and be with her more.

Hinagis ko ang coin and again looked at her.

Hindi ko napigilan ang ngiti sa mga labi ko. Maganda ang reflection ng liwanag. I liked the way it reflected on her.

"Do you want me to... take a photo of you?"

She didn't answer nor looked at me. Kinuha ko ang cellphone sa bulsa ko at nakangiting kinuhanan ng litrato ang side view niya. She just looked at me nang makuha ko iyon na tila walang idea sa kung anong ginawa ko.

I guess she was in deep thought.

"Have you... tried watching a movie with someone?" I absentmindedly asked.

"Can you guess?"

Wala pa rin akong nakukuhang mga bagay tungkol sa kanya. It was so difficult na limited lang ang binibigay nitong impormasyon.

Bahagya akong ngumiti. "I love the lights here... ang ganda ng reflection sa'yo."

We were just looking at each other's eyes na hindi ko namalayan na unti-unti na akong lumalapit sa kanya at halos magdikit na ang dulo ng ilong dmaing dalawa. Tila nasa karera ang puso ko habang papalapit sa mga labi nito, but someone held my arm.

"Sir, pa-picture naman."

Agad din ako g lumayo kay Arin. Kinuhanan ko ng litrato ang dalawang babae kahit nanginginig ang mga kamay ko.

Pagkatapos doon, dinala ko siya sa open space kung saan may malawak na damuhan. I still didn't know kung anong plano ni dad sa lupang iyon. Nagpupunta ako roon kapag gusto ko ng tahimik na lugar.

Umupo kami sa malaking blanket na nasa damuhan. Nakisuyo lang ako to arrange some foods there habang nasa bayahe kami papunta roon.

May malaking projection screen sa tapat naming dalawa na may ilang metro ring layo. A movie was playing there.

"I always go here... just to read books or... see the sky."

Humitit ito ng yosi at nagbuga ng usok sa ere.

"Is this how you date a woman?"

"I... I've never dated anyone except y-you."

"You can't forget your first s*x?"

"Not it..."

Bumaling ito sa akin. "What?"

"Y-you..."

Muli itong nagbuga ng usok sa ere habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko. Napatingin ako sa sigarilyong inabot niya sa akin.

"I-- I don't smoke."

"Try it."

Nag-aalangan man, kinuha ko iyon mula sa kanya. Sinubukan kong gawin kung anong ginagawa niya pero paghitit ko ay napaubo agad ako.

Matagal rin iyon bago ako makabawi.

"Alam mo bang hindi ka bagay sa mundo ko?" she said habang naamoy ko pa rin ang usok ng sigarilyo niya, "Movies, dates, are not my thing."

"I-it doesn't matter to me kung anong klaseng... mundo ang mayroon ka."

"How long will it not matter? How long can you take knowing that I'm having s*x with other men?"

"You don't... you're friend told me-- I'm the only person you had s*x with."

"I wasn't a virgin when you had me. In case you didn't know."

"It... doesn't even matter..."

"And what made you think I've never had s*x with anyone before you? Do you think... you're special?"

Napalunok ako. I didn't try to sink that in my head. Hindi ko na gustong isipin pa ang iba bago ako.

It really didn't matter to me pero hindi ko alam kung bakit kumikirot ang dibdib ko at nag-iinit ang mga mata ko.

"I'm not... I'm not special, but you're-- you're special to me. I-- I don't know why I can't f-forget you, but one thing is for sure..." Kusang umangat ang kamay ko papunta sa pisngi niya. I gently squeezed it with my thumb. "You still have my respect. I still see you as you, as a woman, as a person who deserves the world."

I was actually happy to meet her, and it was painful for some reason. It was hard to accept, but I was more than willing to endure just for her.

I leaned closer to her still looking at those eyes for a while bago ko bigyan nag marahang halik ang noo niya.

BRAYLE RILEY BREHMER

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"Oh my gosh! They are here too!"

I saw Dre kissed a woman's forehead mula sa malayo. Kailan pa ito natutong makipag-date?

"Kilala mo 'yung babae?"

"Of course, siya 'yung binayaran niyo ng ten thousand sa club, 'no."

"What!?" Hindi makapaniwalang sambit ko rito. "Dre's dating her? No way!"

"Bakit parang gulat na gulay ka? Can't a stripper date your cousin, huh?"

"It was supposed to be a one-night-stand."

"And so? Nag-s*x din naman tayo noon, and here you are wanting to have s*x with me again."

"Come on, we're different." Kinuha ko ang braso niya. "Let's go. Doon na lang tayo sa sasakyan ko."

"I don't want to have s*x there! Masikip! D'yan na lang sa tabi!"

"Shut up, let's go." Pilit kong kinuha ang braso niya.

"Sabi nang dito na lang. They won't hear us. Be thankful enough na go ako dito kahit walang kahit anong kama rito bukod sa damo. Bakit mo ba kasi ako dinala rito, huh? Anong akala mo sa akin? Aso?"

"At least it's spacious here, right? I just didn't know na nandito rin sila."

"You really are two different Sandovals. Siya may pang-hotel, ikaw wala."

She was becoming too annoying. Binuhat ko siya paupo sa likod ng sasakyan ko. I didn't waste any seconds to remove her undies and without a thought, I entered inside her.

Napadaing agad ito.

"There... shut the f**k up, and I will f**k you."

"H-hindi ka ba marunong kumatok, bago pumasok, huh? How dare-- ugh!"

"Do you want me out?" I asked, thrusting.

"You monster. Pinasok mo, tapusin mo."