How Deep is Your Love?

17 - Natalie

I stretched a little before going to my balcony to enjoy the scenery outside the mansion. Dad called in earlier and rebooked my flight for next week. He’s skeptical about me flying for hours after having a mild concussion the night before. He even wanted to come and checked me but I know he’s doing a lot these days and I just assured him that I am completely fine. After that, I made a call to Amanda for some updates about my boutiques and so far everything is doing well. She also said that the potential client who wanted to partner with us fortunately cancelled and rescheduled our appointment in the last week of this month. This give me more free time then. At least I didn’t have to worry about business for a while. I’m just so grateful for having great employees/friends for my shops.

My phone rang and I smiled upon seeing Belle’s name on the screen.

“Hey, pretty.” I said as soon as I answered.

“I just saw your message. Are you okay?” Belle asked right away, ignoring my pleasantries.

“I’m totally fine. Just rested. Dad rebooked my ticket so my stay was extended.” I replied and I saw her sigh, her expression changing.

“Are you gonna be fine? You can come here and stay with us for the rest of the days if it’s too hard for you stay there.” She immediately suggested.

Belle’s like a sister to me and I know that I can open up to her anytime as she can also do so to me. And I don’t wanna burst out having all of it inside me and so I messaged her earlier and told her everything that had happened yesterday until this morning. I told her about the canceled dinner, Joanna’s comeback, the accident, Zac, and the fiasco in the hospital before I got home. I know that talking to her would somehow ease my aching heart.

“I can ask dad to arrange a plane for you anytime, Natz.” Belle added when I didn’t answer her.

“It will just be a couple of days, Belle. And I know I can always count on you. I think I’ll be fine.” I finally replied.

“Are you sure?” Belle asked worriedly.

“Yes. I’m sure. Thanks for always being there.” I said, trying so hard not to cry again.

“NO big deal. We’re sisters.” She answered and smiled sweetly.

Seeing my friend’s angelic smile calms me down. And it’s always been like that ever since we became friends. We cried and laughed together, studied together and tried to heal together.

“You have to always update me, okay? Tell me right away if he’s bullying you again or not treating you right. I’ll come right away and knock that guy down.” She even said sternly and I chuckled slightly looking at her soft and delicate features. I know she meant what she said but her angelic face always gives her away and if you look at her, you would really think that she can’t do any harm.

I nodded in response.

“You really don’t have to eat again if you’ve eaten already.” Brian said quite seriously as we started eating the food that was prepared by Melanie and Trinity.

“Like I said, I am still a bit hungry.” I lied but then I still managed to eat. “Zac bought pancakes earlier and that’s what we ate for breakfast.”

“Pancakes? So cheap.” He commented, pouting deeply.

Seriously?

“You don’t need to be so rude to him. I was enough trouble to him last night but still he chose to help me.” I blurted out, not liking his side comments about the man who literally did nothing wrong. “And at least he cared enough to buy something for breakfast. I think that was enough.”

“Then why do you still have to eat with me if what he bought for you is enough?” He asked with a mixture of annoyance.

“You can just tell me if you don’t want me eating with you. I can go to my room now if you want to.” I replied, also a bit annoyed now.

I surely felt guilty knowing that he didn’t eat anything yet because of me thus I opted to eat with him. But now I’d rather lock myself up in my room, cry my heart out and punch my pillow because he’s me pissed.

“No. Please stay.” He said afterwards. “And eat.”

I sighed before we continued eating in awkward silence.

“I’m sorry.” I heard him say which made me stop a spoonful of food mid-air.

I really don’t get him sometimes. His mood swings are literally like a blink of an eye. One minutes he’s all angry and annoyed, the next minute he’s sweet and caring.

“You’ve been saying that since yesterday.” I replied and tried to smile at him.

I didn’t know where I was getting all this courage in me to still face him, eat with him and talk to him even after all the pain I felt when I saw him and Joanna entering the restaurant yesterday. I just somehow wish that I can also have that courage to confront him about his feelings and my feelings. I thought that in those 4 years that I was away, I already gained the confidence that I needed to do so. I guess it wasn’t enough, because in front of him, I still go back to the old me.

“I really am, Natz.” He said seriously before putting down his spoon and looking at me intently. “It’s all my fault why you got into that accident in the first place.”

Then his hands took one of mine and held it tight. I met his gaze and I swear there’s something in his eyes that I can’t quite comprehend. My heart raced rapidly like usual and there it is again, hope. Hope that somehow he likes me too. Hope that one day, even after everything, we’ll eventually end up with each other.

Shitty hope.

“No, Brian. It’s not your fault. You don’t have to blame yourself. I was the reckless one. I’m sorry for making you all worry.” I said as I withdrew my hand.

As much as I wanted the feeling his warm touch, I know that I still have to save whatever it is that is left in me. Maybe he is really just guilty for what happened, but that still didn’t change the fact that Joanna is back is his life now. And that he chose to cancel our dinner to be with her, which hurt more.

“Natalie?” I heard Belle called out.

“Sorry. I was just…” I replied and tried to find my words.

“You zoned out for while there. Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked once more and I nodded. “I was just saying that Arya’s trying to get all her duties done in the hospital so maybe she can get a break for maybe a day or two and we can come visit you there again this week.”

“That would be awesome.” I commented and tried to force a smile. “But really, you both have done too much for me already and I know very well that you also have your own struggles there and I am of no help.”

“You’re always there for me too, Natz. Always there to listen and pop me out of my bubbles. And that’s enough.” She said.

“You know that I love you right?” I asked and smiled warmly.

“Yes. And I do too.” Belle answered and I chuckled.

“I love you more.” I continued and we both giggled. “Do you-“

“Who’s that???!” A loud baritone voice suddenly interrupted me and it almost made my phone fall off.

“Why are you shouting?” I asked back. Then I turned to Belle. “I got to go. I’ll call you later.”

“Alright. Will wait.” Belle said as I ended the call.

“You didn’t answer my question.” He said, pouting deeply.

“I don’t think I have to.” I replied and pouted as well.

He’s the one barging in without permission and he has the audacity to inquire about who I am talking to?

What if I was crying or something?

Geez.

I mentally slapped myself for always forgetting to lock my door.

“Do you need something?” I asked and he just let out a deep sigh.

He looked a bit conflicted. But then he managed to walked towards me and stood beside me in the balcony.

“Are you like mad at me or something?” He asked.

“No. I was just…surprised. That’s all.” I replied.

“Okay. I don’t know. I just felt like we’re back to drifting apart again.” He commented which made my forehead crease.

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

“I don’t understand it either.” He started and then looked at me intently. “But one thing I know for sure is that…I don’t want to lose you, Natalie.”

I was stunned for a moment and all I did was blink as I looked at him.

“Not again.” He murmured softly but it was enough for me to hear.

I was rendered speechless and I literally didn’t know what to say.

What does he mean by saying he don’t want to lose me?

“Can’t we…can’t we just go back being friends?” He suddenly asked, looking far away. “I don’t like us…fighting. I don’t want to do that with you anymore.”

Friends. His words echoed within me.

He just wants us to continue being friends.

What more did I expect?

Why did I even bother to expect something else when it’s always been this way?

Why haven’t I learn my lesson?

He just doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.

Just a friend.

Friend zoned.

Nothing more than that.

Stupid heart.

Shitty hope.

“We are friends.” I managed to say softly and I felt his eyes on me. I tried my best to look far away. I don’t think I can meet his gaze this time, especially now that he made it so clear to me that all he wanted to do with me is to be…just friends.

“Are we?” He asked and I know he stared at me for a while before looking away.

“Uhm, yeah. Of course.” I replied right away. “I like being friends with you.”

“You like being friends with me?” He echoed and sneered a little. Then he faced me once again. “Friends, huh?”

“Yeah.” I said and glanced back at him before quickly looking away. “I’ve learned my lesson, Brian. I wouldn’t deny that I cried a lot when I was in love with you before. And I don’t like it. So, yeah. Friends.”

Then a wave of courage overwhelmed me at that very moment and I met his gaze.

“I like being friends with you.” I said boldly and forced a smile.

I don’t know if I was just imagining things but I think I saw a hint of hurt and disappointment in his eyes after I said those words. He looked away after a blink and I gulped down the mixture of emotions that had risen in me.

“Right.” He blurted out quite loudly. “I hope that we remain as we are then.”

“Sure thing.” I said after sometime.

***