How Deep is Your Love?

31 - Natalie

Two days passed like the wind and I haven’t even seen a single shadow of Brian in our presidential suite ever since that night. I was just called by his assistant in the UK to say that he’s been busy with business matters and that I could go and do whatever I wanted if I ever get bored inside. That’s another blow to me and I didn’t really expect much of him. So then, I decided to just go and explore the city on my own. Going around some places and talking to my besties over the phone whenever I get back. The two girls would often ask about my husband’s whereabouts and why they haven't seen him around and all I can say is that he’s truly busy.

Finally reaching the hotel room, I carefully carried the bags of clothes that I bought for my friends and Tita Lorie inside and placed them on the couch. Sitting down, I called Brian’s assistant to inquire about my long lost husband and see how he was.

“Mrs. O’Donnell.” The assistant immediately acknowledged and I smiled at the title he gave me.

“Yeah. Sorry to disturb you though. I just wanna know how Brian is.” I replied quite shyly. I have been doing this every now and then and he might think that I’m such a brat calling him regarding my husband for an update from time to time.

“Oh. The business conference is officially over, ma’am. I drove him back to the headquarters about an hour ago and I am not really sure what he is doing right now. Maybe he’s on his way back to the hotel?” The assistant reported honestly.

“O-okay. Maybe he is. I am really sorry for the disturbance. I’ll just wait for him here then. Thank you and please don’t let him know that I called.” I said and politely said my goodbye before ending the call.

It’s just too sad that these things are happening between the two of us. Newly married couples should still be in their honeymoon phase at this point. But, alas for me, we are already this distant from each other even before it happens. I shrugged and sighed heavily as millions of thoughts passed through my mind. And in the end, I decided to just go all the way. I thought that I knew what I was entering when I agreed to marry him and did what I did. And I may sound stupid, but since I’m already here, why not give my all?

At least, in the very end, I can truly say that I did my best and my all and I wouldn’t have anything to regret.

So then I smiled thinking about our last remaining days here in the UK. Since his business conference is over, then he doesn’t really have any more excuses to avoid me. With that in mind, I hummed a melody as I started fixing all the clothes I bought and fixed them before going into the bathroom for a refreshing shower.

***

It’s already been about two hours since my phone call with his assistant but no Brian has arrived. A deep sigh left my lips as I looked at the dark sky and the twinkling city lights outside through the window.

“It’s already so dark and he should be heading here now, right?” I blurted out, almost a whisper, a bit bothered that I knew the answer deep down but still trying to make up excuses for him in my mind.

I knew that he hadn’t been back to our room for two days since he confronted me about Zac, but I was not really alarmed since his assistant told me that he had booked a room for himself in the hotel which is just across from their headquarters. So I thought that maybe that hotel would be really more convenient for him. But then I heard that he had already checked out this morning. “Then, where could he be? Where would he go? Did he happen to go to a different hotel without letting his assistant know this time?”

Not thinking straight and thinking things over, I just found myself changing my jammies into something thicker that I can wear outside in this cold weather. Then, finally grabbing my last layer of coat, I walked towards the elevator with only one thing in my mind, to find Brian. It’s stupid, I know, but I also don’t understand why. Good thing the hotel has a concierge service for cabs and by the time I got back to my senses, I was already inside the cab, going to the company’s headquarters.

“I’m really doomed.” I said softly before a loud sigh left my lips as I glanced outside, enjoying the city view through the window.

I admit for a time there was conflict inside me. The last years of living in the States taught me so much about being independent and knowing my worth. I know I’d look even more pathetic doing this, but I just couldn’t help myself. When I thought that I was already miles away from my past self and then just seeing Brian once, I had to throw everything out of the window. By then I was too conflicted about staying put and keeping the new version of me that I have built for the past years, minding my own business, and just visiting and leaving as soon as possible as I originally planned. But what happened was the exact opposite and now I’m married to the man I’ve been in love with ever since and fighting for our marriage to work.

I guess I am not strong enough to stand for myself. Or could it be that my feelings for him were much stronger than what I originally thought?

But then again, another tiny voice inside me comforted me by saying that I’m just doing this because I am going all out, no reservations, just raw feelings.

That’s right, so I wouldn’t have any regrets.

After talking to myself and thinking about what was going on, the taxi made a U-turn at the next junction and finally stopped in front of the company’s headquarters.

This is it.

This thing isn’t planned at all and so every step I take towards his office is absolutely nerve-wrecking. I am not sure if what I’m doing is gonna fix things between us because he’ll see my efforts and concern or that it will make things worse because it’ll look like I’m prying on him. And I actually bet it’s the latter.

Gosh. I don’t know anymore. And besides, I’m already here, so let me just do it.

The building is actually empty with just the security guards at the entrance and some personnel doing some end shift maintenance cleaning. It’s already almost midnight for that matter. For a bit, I hesitated as soon as I reached the door of his office. Good things I was paying attention when his assistant toured me around and found his office with ease.

Will he yell at me as soon as I open this door?

Wait, will he be here anyway?

Whatever.

If he yells, it’s nothing new to me so…

My hands went up and made a few light knocks. Since there was no response, I made louder knocks this time, but still no answer. So I decided to turn the knob and expected it to be locked, only to be surprised that it wasn’t. That means one thing: Brian is really inside. I came here not sure of finding him, but what are the odds that the first place I thought of where I could easily find him is here? Gently opening the door, I popped my head inside first and called out, “Brian?”

The office looked empty and quiet and that gave me the confidence to fully step in and carefully close the door. It was a bit dark and so I adjusted the rim of my glasses and tried to find the switch with my phone’s light.

Weird. Did he forget to lock his office?

Finally finding the switch, my eyes squinted a bit when the light filled the entire room. And there he is, crowding the couch in his office with just his coat as his blanket, sleeping.

How could he think of just sleeping out here in an uncomfortable position, trying to fit his big body on this couch? He could have just gone back to the hotel so he could sleep more comfortably.

Silly, stubborn man.

Letting out a sigh, I slowly walked towards him. Looking at him, he must be really exhausted. His hair was sprawled out messily around his face and as I walked nearer, my fingers suddenly had this feeling of running my hand through them. But then everything changed when he suddenly shivered and that’s the only time I noticed the small dots of sweat all over his face. He is cold.

“Brian?” I called out again with worry as I hurried towards him, immediately feeling his forehead. “Gosh, you’re burning up with fever!”

I panicked for a bit and tried to wake him up, but his eyes were shut close and he was just there, helpless, shivering even after I removed my own sweater and placed it over him. Feeling the warmth from it, I heard him groaning softly, as if immediately comforted by the gesture.

“Geez. Why didn’t you call anyone to help you out?” I asked out loud, a bit annoyed about the fact that he’d rather tolerate his fever and the pain that comes with it than go back to the hotel or call me.

Why don’t you just call me? And tell me?

“That’s it! With a fever this high, we should go to the hospital.” I said as I tried to stand up, only to be stopped by his firm grip on my wrist.

“No. No hospital.” He tried to say.

“But-“ I contradicted, only to be met by his eyes. It says it all. Sighing in resignation, I nodded before he closed his eyes once more.

What will I do with you, Brian?

***

I let out a sigh of relief after his temperature had gone down. Fortunately, there is a small pharmacy not too far from this building and I was able to buy all the things I needed to help him recover. If not, I would still definitely take him to the hospital whether he agrees or not. Good thing, he's doing well now. He must have been truly exhausted these past few days. Now I wonder if part of me being here with him adds up to his stress.

Sitting beside the couch where he lay, I looked back at his face, peacefully sleeping. His hair. His eyes. His nose and lips. All too perfect for me. I then watched him more closely as I moved towards him. My fingers itched once more, wanting to caress his face. Stolen moments like this, where I can get beside him this close, are far too precious already. So I thought I’d grab the chance and let my hand reach out carefully, slowly and lightly, until my fingers made contact.

I smiled as I ever so gently soothed his messy hair. I don’t ever want him to be sick, but if I could get this close to him when he is, then maybe I’d allow him to get sick from time to time.

Why though? Why, Brian? Even after everything. Even after how you always treated me. Why do I still care so much? Why do I feel so good about taking care of you? Why do I feel so alive right now that you’re next to me? Just a few inches away in front of me. You hate me. I know. And I can feel it. You made it so sure that I can feel how mad you are at me. But still, even after it all, I’m still here. I feel like I’m all too deeply stuck with you.

Is it really because of love? Because I have loved only you?

Is it?

Lost in my own thoughts and emotions, I didn’t realize that he’d awaken from my caresses until he slightly moved and eventually opened his eyes. He was looking straight at me and all I could do was blink. I instantly froze and blushed and tried to push words out of my mouth but I simply couldn’t.

His eyes though. It somehow held gentleness as he looked at me. But I know there’s something more to it. And so I tried to read it more but he somehow noticed what I wanted to do and so he blinked and looked away. At that moment, I felt like a bag of cold water was splashing through me. I immediately retracted my hand and stood up, forgetting that I had been seated for a long time and almost lost my balance. Straightening my wrinkled clothes, I was able to finally stand up and took a step back.

“Your…your fever has finally gone down.” I said, finally able to make my mouth speak.

I then took more steps back to return the thermometer back to its case and tried to calmly organize all the mess on the table even though jolts of electricity were raking all of my nerves, hoping that it somehow would ease the awkwardness that hung in the air.

“Why…what…what are you doing here?” Brian finally found his voice too and asked, his voice raspy and low.

“What am I doing here?” I echoed his question as I turned to him, totally caught off-guard.

“You know what I mean, Natz,” he answered softly. His gaze was still away from me, which made me worried that somehow my answer would be wrong. And that he might get mad at me again and that we'd end up in each other’s throats for the nth time.

“I was…I am…I…” I replied right away, trying to grasp the right words so as not to look and sound more pathetic than what I actually look and sound at the moment. “You had fever. So…so…so I was…I…I kinda helped out…a bit.”

Geez. Why do I have to stutter that much? It’s not like I was caught doing something wrong. And all I did was take care of him the whole night. Ugh. Please, holy ground, swallow me now.

I realized my poor attempt to find an excuse was really a great fail and so I sighed and sat back down on the couch across from him, looking down to hide my heated face and calm down.

Right. What exactly am I doing here while I am supposed to be in our hotel suite?

“Actually, I got lost. So you don’t need to mind me. Stay rested.” I quickly added as I drew in a deep breath and raked my fingers through my hair, brushing it back. Then I grabbed my purse and took my steps towards the door in attempt to leave his office as soon as I could. I was about to grab the knob when I suddenly thought of something and turned to look at him, surprised to see his eyes directly on mine. “In reality, you’re still delusional and whatever you see now is not real. I’m just not here. I’m not real. So you can forget all this happened. Just think that I’m a ghost. Like that. Right. Okay. You can rest now.”

I turned my back immediately after blabbering such nonsense and closed my eyes. Turning the door knob, I was almost half-way out of his office when I kind of heard him call my name. This made me halt right away, unsure if I heard him right or I was the delusional one.

“Natz.” He repeated, and this time I heard him more clearly.

His voice sounded so different and it somehow urged me to look back at him once more and watched him slowly get up from the couch. Now, I gulped when I saw him walking towards me. His face was still pale and he still looked sick.

“You shouldn’t move a lot…” I trailed as the rest of my voice was shunned by his dominating presence as he continued to walk towards me.

“I know I shouldn’t but I just have to…” He gently replied. I looked intently at him but his eyes were blank and I didn’t have any idea what he was thinking. “Thank you.”

“No worries…I did what-“ I stopped as soon as I was pulled over. His warmth engulfed all my senses and clouded my whole being. His arms snaked around me, hugging me tightly.

“Thank you.” He repeated and I just froze. His voice was a mixture of sadness and relief and comfort and I felt like my tear ducts would flood my whole face anytime soon. And at that moment, I just felt too baffled to even say anything or do anything. And all that was clear to me was that I felt how my heart beat rapidly, racing like it wanted to burst out of my chest.

I love him. I do love him.

***