Love Ain't Easy

Chapter Fifteen - Set Yourself Free

You know this took me back to the 3rd week when Vee was in Egypt... that weekend I visited my mom and we had thee most serious talk ever. Like ever.

So my mom is a very closeted person, no she's not gay.. she's just not an open book ????. I don't know how to describe her, but I've grown to learn that she doesnt like meddling in someone's business unless she's really concerned. And she likes keeping staff to herself.

During that visit she sat me down after diner and told me we had to talk.

I was surprised and worried hence I said she didn't talk a lot about s**t. So I knew this must be really serious, at some point I thought she was going to tell me that my step father died. He hasn't sent a letter in three months.

But to my surprise when I sat down.. She asked about Valentia...

"What?"

"How is she?" She asked and I shrugged because I was caught off guard, "She's okay I think mom..."

"And things between you guys.. and you know what I mean by that."

I sighed, "they are as they can be between us mom. You were at the book launch you saw... they are just like that..."

She nodded a bit, "so you still look at her like she's the only girl in this world..."

I shook my head, "umh, no mom I don't."

She smiled a bit and shook her head, "honey I don't think you'll like what I'm about to say, but you're my daughter and I have to say it anyway... I've seen you bury yourself in things because of this woman, I've seen how much you love her and how much of you and your morals you're willing to sacrifice just to be with her.. but, I'm worried about you. Worried about what might happen. What if she picks her wife again this time..? What if what happened when you were in high school repeat itself again. I can't watch you go through that..."

"Mom....."

"Just hear me out. I had to silently listen to you go to bed in tears.. wake you up everyday to remind you about school.. watch you drag you and your life for about six months before you could finally admit that she was gone... the pain in your heart reflected in your face.. I could see it every time I looked at you. Jasmine just kept you happy only when she was present and you know this. Because during that hour or so, you could pretend like Valentia never existed.."

Tears were now threatening to escape as I listened to my mom.

"She made your life whole and then tore it up worse than before.... you've built yourself these past four years.. please don't let her tore you up again. Don't let her in again... don't give her that power again because even know you don't know where you stand with her...."

I shook my head, "how mom...? Because it's too late. I did something stupid and I can't undo it. She's in... She's already in."

She took my hands, "oh honey. You have to decide now though... do you want this.. and if yes, how long will you put up with it?"

"Until she leaves me again.." I said looking at her.

"Honey..."

I shrugged, "it is what it is. I hear what you're saying and it makes total sense mom... I'm just here waiting for her to leave me... that's all I can do. Because I don't have the power to do anything... so it's really up to her. If she leaves then fine I'd be forced to live with that like I did the past four years..."

"You can't live like that."

"Mom I love her..."

"Does she love you?"

My world immediately stopped. Does she?

She hasn't said anything like that... the only thing I know, that I'm sure and I'm aware of is that she is only here and texting me.. ONLY.. That she loves me or still want me is just blank..

"Does she love you Olwethu? Does Valentia love you?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. I don't know."

"Then you know what you to do. I know that I pretty much messed up our relationship half of your life.. but I wasn't raising no second best.."

I suddenly got pissed, "you might as well have been... to you for over 10 years I have been the least best.. Valentia loved me more than you can, she cared more than you did, she was there more than you have been... and you fucken gave birth to me. So don't act like I didn't wait 17 years to finally get your real love... I love Valentia I been telling everyone that, I tried to move on with Jasmine.. I'm fucken trying with Paige, it's just not easy unless I go back to being that cold hearted person and not love anyone at all. You don't know how it feels, you don't know how I feel, so stop telling me how to feel because of the circumstances I'm in. I know Valentia has someone, I'm not pushing her to do this it's just happened because we both love each other..."

"Calm down I'm not fighting..."

"Then why do you guys act like I haven't been trying to do things differently. Why do y'all act like I'm doing this on purpose and it's easy walking away from."

She got up, "I'm sorry I got you mad. I didn't mean to, I was just trying to tell you that you deserve someone who will at least..."

Scared of what she was going to say I shook my head getting up too, "Don't say it please..."

"I love you Olwethu.. always did, I'm not perfect but you know where you stand with me... I love you."

"I'll text you when I get back to my apartment." I left.

I was so pissed because deep down I knew what my mom said was the truth. What Paige was preaching is the truth.

But they were failing to understand how not easy this was. How I couldn't just up and let go of everything I feel for Valentia. It would be like leaving a piece of me behind. It will be like killing a living part of me.

So how do I? How do I do this and just go on without getting hurt. How do I move on from her or give her a chance without getting my heart broken? Because any choice right now was going to be my downfall... I'd either be with her as she had her wife or I leave her alone.. they both hurt..

After that talk I was a bit confused and all that because my mind was busy working. It was so fucken busy..

But a tiny bit of clarity came in picture when Susan told me what the f**k was happening.

I remember asking Valentia who was responsible for the launch being sabotaged and why they did it in the first place. She lied to me... she was busy sleeping with the woman who wanted to make me look like a p***y and fucken unprofessional...

It just pissed the living out of me. Made my whole body burn and my throat dry.

I arrived at the office right before 8 and said hi to Jeremy before going to my office.

I already picked a book to be published because the first five chapters just kept on inviting me to read more. So I was working on finishing it up, seeing what it needed, working on the cover with the owner of the book, editing and then publishing it.

Work was pure amazing I swear to God. It was everything and more than I ever wanted. But my head today was extra busy... Because it was thinking about Valentia and why she protected her wife then it was also thinking about seeing Valentia arriving after a month of being away.

It was surprising thought, how quiet her and Zai have been for the past two months if not three. Zai wasn't coming to work anymore and Vee wasn't mentioning lunches with her anymore... but then I guess they could be seeing each other home.... or maybe Vee no longer mentions her wife in my presence because of what we did. She was protecting me...?

I sighed and got up from my desk, I needed tea. I got to the kitchen and boiled water.

"Hey hey dude..." Walter, the guy from the design team joined me and I smiled, "you good?"

He nodded, "yep... so like I've been meaning to talk to you."

"About what?" I asked while putting the teabag in my tea and two spoons of sugar.

"It's not a big deal but give a guy a chance for trying... wanna go out with me..?"

I furrowed my brows at him wanting to make sure that I heard him well, "sorry...?"

"Out on a date... Tomorrow maybe.. I have tickets to..."

I shook my head stopping him mid sentence, "umh Walter.. God how do I do this, you come out as a very nice guy.. but not my type."

He frowned a bit, "what?"

I took a sip on my tea and smiled at him, "you're not my cup of tea. You can't handle this."

He smiled, "trust me I can. So what's your type?"

"Men with breasts and vaginas... if they exist... or and who have women brains also, that's kinda sexy..."

He stared at me blankly and I laughed, he look so confused and cute at the same time, "Walter I'm lesbian. I'm attracted to women is what I meant."

He looked at me from my toes to my head, "no you're not.. you're wearing a dress..."

"Okay..." I said turning to leave his stupid ass there.

"Come on.. just once, you might like me I promise."

"Call me when you have a v****a, I love it..." then I was out.

That was the most awkward shitty and weird encounter ever. I cringed all the time when men tried to make a hit on me. Like I knew I wore dresses but I'm gay.... and before I'm gay I'm a woman... dresses are for women and I was going to rock them anyhow I wanted.

I went back to my desk and continued with work until I heard noise coming from the reception.

I got up and slowly went there to see some of our coworkers standing there talking to Vee and Lulama... I stood next to Jeremy and whispered, "did I miss anything?"

He shrugged, "besides missy here bragging about how amazing it was.. not really."

I couldn't even get myself to look at Valentia because of what I heard in the morning, but when I finally did look at her, she looked at me too. It was like we were both told to look at the same time.

I stared at her and she did too. She wasn't giving up and neither was I. That was until Walter stood in front of me and I felt like yelling 'get the f**k off my face dude you're blocking ny view' but I didn't, I kept my s**t together.

"Hey lady who's playing hard to get..."

I looked at the guy, "I pray you will not annoy me because I told you what was up."

Jeremy rubbed his shoulder on mine, "what's happening?"

He tried to whisper that, but there was no need since the designer was right in front of us.

"Nothing much Jerry, was just telling her that I don't give up."

Jeremy laughed, "honey take your little balls somewhere else... this girl doesn't swing that way... unless you have a v****a and..."

Vee cleared her throat and Jeremy quickly shut up. The boss lady looked at me, "hi..."

I nodded, "hi..."

"How are you?"

"Good.. how are you and how was the flight back.."

"It was good. I'm okay just exhausted.."

I smiled, "I can imagine.."

"Valentia, can we discuss something now now.." the woman who's responsible for hiring me said walking in.

Vee looked at me and then turned around, "cool mah, follow me to my office..." she looked at all of us, "be productive, you all were assigned to work... if I need you I'll call you.."

Then she left.

I turned to Jeremy and he laughed, "you and Vee would be fucken cute I swear.."

"The f**k?" I asked trying not to show how fast my heart was racing.

"Yeah the f**k dude? She's with me.. respect that.." Walter said and I turned to him, "it's cute at first, but when it becomes like this it's annoying. I'm not interested in you and I never will be. Get that through your man skull." And I left them there.

I had no idea why I snapped but I couldn't help it now. He was annoying coz he looked at me and assumed I'm lying about my sexuality.. he can go f**k himself.

I sat down in my office and couldn't think straight. Suddenly I was really pissed.

The day went by pretty slow but around 3 Valentia knocked on my office.

"You got a minute...?"

I nodded, "yeah.."

"How are you and how was everyone..?"

"So weren't you scared leaving me in charge...? I mean I'm not doubting me.."

"For a second I thought you were..." she cut me off and I shook my head, "no not. I'm just thinking there's people who have been here longer than me.. I've only been here four months and already I'm left in charge.."

"I trust you." She said and something in me flinched when she said that. Because I immediately thought she was f*****g with me. She trusted me yet never told me her wife bitched on me.

"Wow... you really trust me?"

She nodded slowly, "yes I do.."

I laughed, "you got a funny way of showing that.."

"What? Why?"

I sat there and looked at her... then woman I was madly and undeniably in love with. The woman I wanted more than anything. A person who held my heart even when she was nowhere in my life.

I shook my head, "who sabotaged the book launch and why?" I asked and her whole body language changed. She moved a bit uncomfortable, "Olwethu.. we are past that."

"Are we Valentia?"

"Well I thought we were. I mean we found the person and they were dealt with.."

I sat up now leaning towards the table and looking at her, "were they dealt with?"

She shifted a bit uncomfortable again, "what's this about?"

I shrugged, "you tell me because I wasn't told who was the person who tried to f**k up my event and mess with my name.."

"It happened almost two months ago.. let it go .." she said and I looked right at her, "why? Why? What happened to them? Did they get punished? Were they beat up or did you just talk to her and then f**k her before y'all went to sleep?"

Her eyes shot wide open, "what?"

"So what Valentia you thought I'd just let it go like that..? That I wouldn't try and find out the person who was trying to ruin my career before it even started? I wasn't going to be seen as reliable from then... Because of her.. and you had the nerve to hide it from me! Protecting your wife Valentia?"

She got up, "that's not how it is..."

I laughed sarcastically, "oh really.. coz that's how it looks like from my view.. you hide it from this i***t who's me and you guys live happily ever after."

"Olwethu..."

"What? What? You'll let Zai do that to you? You love her to that point.. that you'd let her try to f**k up your company, f**k you up and then just let her win like that? Why?"

She just kept quiet and looked at me.

"At least we know she has a type. Gail is just like you... the only difference is that she's white..."

She breathed in soooo hard and took a step back.. slowly with her eyes closed. When she opened her eyes she turned back around and left my office.

I slammed my hand on the table so hard that it dropped my laptop and the glass of tea that was there to the floor.

"Fuuuuuck!" I mattered to myself. That hurt like shiiiiiit...