Love Ain't Easy

Chapter Fourteen - what's wrong with me

I could feel my heart beat on my chest slowly. I listened to it silently as the quietness of the room consumed me.

I just had s*x with Valentia.

I just told her I love her.

How could I be so stupid.

She was married.

God!

"Hey... you good...?"

I nodded slowly not even caring to look at her, "yeah.. I'm good."

"Did you guys talk?"

I didn't respond.

"God.. did you talk or did you have sex..? please tell me you didn't have s*x with Valentia Olwethu...!" Paige said and I got up into a sitting position then looked at the girl, "what? Where were you?"

She shrugged, "I figured you'd need some privacy and left immediately when you guys got into your room.. what happened..?"

I sighed in relief. Ahh.. she didn't hear anyone moaning.

"I.. we..."

"You had s*x?" She said now sounding shook.

I sighed in defeat, there was no need for me to actually lie, "I couldn't stop her.. we couldn't stop.."

"Why did you start in the first place? God Olwethu Valentia is married...!"

I couldn't help but cry now. She was right.. I was a fucken i***t to allow what happened to even happen. Valentia had someone in her life, someone she officially called her own. And me... well, I was just some girl she said she loved four years ago..

Paige held my hand, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to be harsh okay I'm just worried you'll get hurt.."

I shook my head and kept on crying.

"God.. Lin I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

I wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault. She wasn't the reason why I was crying.

"Lin I was just saying. I didn't mean to sound like an asshole. We both know Valentia is married and.. you deserve so much more than what is going on. You're beautiful, smart,kind, funny in a very crazy idiotic not funny way.. you can get someone.. just don't settle for her again. Don't do that."

I shut my eyes. Did she have any idea how difficult that was. Four fucken years later and I still am in love with the same woman I was in high school. I tried to move on. I tried to be with other people but it wasn't that easy.

Valentia had my heart, no matter how much I tried to control my thoughts and try to convince them not to love her. I was just lying to myself. She had the most vulnerable and treasured part of me.

My heart.

"It's not as easy..."

"How is it not?"

"I am in love with her. Paige since high school, I tried to ignore my feelings, tried to remind myself that she's married, tried to convince myself that I don't love her.. but it was just a lie. How do I lie to my heart. When the only thing it wants it can't have. How do I?"

She smiled, "you move on.."

"That easy huh?"

"Exactly... just give your heart to someone else... there's so many people who still want you out here. You're just blocking them out because of Valentia."

"How do I give my heart to someone else if it's already with someone?" I asked honestly.

She sighed..

"Paige I tried. But I can't, no matter what I try to do.. I can't stop loving her.."

"Olwethu..."

"I tried to love other people.. but everyone I meet I subconsciously compare them to Vee and they don't stand a chance. What's f****d up is that she ain't even mine to begin with.. but she's all I want and no one else can come close to how I feel about her. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman.."

She pulled me into a hug..

After a few minutes my phone started ringing. I pulled away and looked at it to see Vee's name flashing on it.

"She's calling."

"Answer it. I'll go get you something to drink." Paige said getting up and I cleared my throat before answering, "hello.."

'hey it's me... I'm calling to say umh, my house was broken into, I'm sorry for just leaving earlier.'

Shocked I asked, "what? Are you okay? What did they take?"

'umh yeah I'm okay, they just broke my windows and smashed my car.. I haven't seen any missing items. I just wanted to tell you that.. I didn't just up and leave you.. I was worried... I'm sorry our night was cut short.'

I shook my head, "no it's understandable Vee.. just make sure that nothing was taken and keep me updated."

'i will thanks.. talk later.'

"Cool, bye."

Then I hung up..

"Hey.. here's water have some." Paige handed me a glass of water and I took it, then a sip.

"Valentia just told me someone broke into her house. Smashed windows and her car..."

"Darn just smashed? Didn't take anything?"

I Shrugged, "she said she hasn't seen anything missing so far..."

"If she and her wife are having problems it's written her all over."

"Why would you say that?" I asked with an ached brow.

She laughed before she started singing, "I bust the windows out ya car

And no it didn't mend my broken heart

I'll probably always have these ugly scars

But right now I don't care about that part

I bust the windows out ya car

After I saw you laying next to her

I didn't wanna but I took my turn

I'm glad I did it cause you had to learn

I must admit it helped a little bit

To think of how you'd feel when you saw it

I didn't know that I had that much strength

But I'm glad you see what happens when

You see can't just play with people's feelings

Tell them you love them and don't mean it

You'll probably say that it was juvenile

But I think that I deserve to smile..."

I stared at her blankly and she rolled her eyes, "what the f**k you don't know that track?"

"It's an actual song...?"

She shoved me off, "Don't talk to me... get out of hereeeee..."

I laughed, "umh I'm kidding.. I love Jas... and I watched that Step Up dance movie with Jasmine where this song played.. f**k Paige you can actually sing..."

She blushed, "this isn't about me singing. It's about Zai going insane because she's jealous of you and her wife.. for a fucken good reason. Maybe she went there and when she didn't see her wife she went insane and started doing shit.."

I shook my head, Zai was the most calmest nicest person I've ever seen from a distance, "Zai would never be that crazy. She's so down to earth and nice. She wouldn't even hurt a fly.."

Susan scoffed, "fine. Whatever.. but once you know that your wife is cheating on you with a girl 10 years younger than her you do the unthinkable. You never know what jealousy can drive a person to do."

I got up and drank the rest of the water before getting out, "Come let's finish the pizza I bought for Valentia Louw."

We went to the living toom, warmed up the pizza and ate while watching movies.

She made me put behind the s*x that happened at that moment and I was honestly glad that she was there. It would have been depressing to be alone.

..

My Sunday was almost a blur, I didn't.. not even twice talk to Vee.

Precious and Susan came back, Susan was acting a little bit strange but I was so stuck up in my mind and worrying if sleeping with Valentia kinda showed her that she doesn't want me anymore.... because here I was acting like a love sick puppet while she was over there dealing with her staff.. I should leave her alone right..

I did just that...

On monday I asked myself if I should text her and find out if she's okay or not. But then I thought I'd be like annoying her. I did ask her to tell me what's new, or update me on what happened but then I don't know...because she haven't said anything.

I was feeling like I'm annoying her or something. Like I'm being too in her face and she was uncomfortable

But I gathered enough strength and sent her a text on w******p around 8am because she wasn't at the office.

ME: Hey Vee, I'm just a bit worried about you, I hope you're okay and that nothing was stolen for real.

Sent and then I put my phone away. I started working on my book and continued writing. This chapter was literally about the move from Eastern Cape tp Johannesburg four years ago. It pained me, because it awfully reminded me of how I fell for Valentia and now how I can't unfall for her..

"You know it sucks to sit and stare at your computer the whole day, you'll ruin your eyes..." Paige's voice by the door.

I pressed save and turned to Paige, "hey... what are you doing here?"

She smiled and took out a Spur plastic bag, "Jeremy night have told me that you're craving for a rib burger... or that you're sulking in here.. so I'm dropping this and leaving."

My phone vibrated and that tone was Vee's I knew. So four hours later she responds. Thank God she's alive.

I took my phone and read the text.

VEE: hi, just running errands. I'm fine thanks.

I sat there and re read that text over and over and fucken over again. My heart felt icy cold when reading it. Like someone just literally put an ice on my chest directed to my heart.

I swallowed and put the phone back down then turned to Paige and took the plastic bag she was holding, "aren't you a darling.."

"You better remember that when you are over Louw..."

I laughed and pulled her to a hug, "thank you babe. I love you okay.. so much."

"I love you more... and I have to run."

I furrowed my brows at her, "so you literally just came here to..."

She winked, "like I said, remember that when you get over Vee..."

Then she was out.

I finished off my day and went back home. I sent Valentia another text later.

ME: hey, I hope you're getting better.. umh I care a lot about you and I'm hear for you always.. just know that.. ❤ sleep well.

To my surprise, she quickly responded..

VEE: I know, thank you, goodnight

I stared blankly at the screen and another text came in.

VEE: ?

You know sometimes it was so hard to try and figure out how Vee was feeling. Worse if she wasn't upfront about her feelings. Her silence created this huge ass painful hole on my chest. Made me feel s**t I don't wanna feel at all and it kinda hurt so much.

But since I've known her, I've learnt that she isn't a sentimental person. She isn't your goofy lovey-dovey person, no. Which is one reason why one person, me in this part would have a hard time figuring out where I stood with her.

I could be over here now thinking the worst while she's just dealing with her staff and not even thinking about me. But that itself was scary. The not knowing. It's the most scariest thing ever, worse when a person isn't so much into their feeling coz you wouldn't know now if you was being a lot to them or if they actually needed you there.

I hated it, feeling all helpless. I wanted to be there for her in so many ways. But that was impossible. She had someone already filling that part and I needed to respect and stay back a little. The reason she and I had s*x and looked at each other as if we were feeling deep s**t doesn't mean I get to do any s**t or feel any way.

I went to bed... confused, conflicted, stressing and worried.

.

Tuesday got in no time and I was planning on being on my best behavior today and working my ass off.

I arrived at the office and stood by the lift. To my surprise Vee walked in too, bought her tea and then came to stand next to me.

"Hey.."

I smiled, "hey, morning"

"How are you?"

"I'm good thanks Vee, how are you?"

"Good good..." she said and the lift opened. She gestured for me to go in and I did with her following behind.

"So.. today I have a meeting at 11 I'd like you to sit with me.. umh Lulama will be there, I'll brief you now now... I also need us to start making money, I'll log in with the email in your computer, it's people who want to publish with us and are willing to pay okay..."

I nodded, "alright. Do I come to your office or?"

We both got out of the lift and headed to the office.

"Yeah, you can put your staff and cone here.. bring your ipad so I can log in to that email for you."

"Cool.. see you then.."

Then we parted ways. When she was so serious it was fucken scary a bit and maybe sooo sexy. God I had to fix my mind.

I got to my office and put my bags down then fixed my dress and hair.. I don't know why..

In five minutes I knocked in her office and walked in with my iPad..

"Okay, so meeting at 11 right.."

I nodded, "yep, what is it about?"

"Right.." she said as I sat down, "it's basically about how we are going to promote Lulama's book..I have buyers in some of the African countries, so she and I will be flying to, Algeria, Egypt, Nigeria and ghana..."

She said she and her right? I heard her well..

"I'm sorry, you mean you and Lulama... alone?"

She nodded looking at her laptop and I nodded my head too.

She lifted her head up and looked at me, "was there supposed to be someone else? Or is there anything wrong if I go with her alone to promote her book?"

Fuuuuck! The back s***h hit me hard and I shook my head trying to hide how embarrassed I was, "no.. nothing wrong..."

"Good.. so when we come back I need you to have picked a book to publish from these books sent to this email..." she said the last part getting up and taking my iPad to log in on the email.

"Another thing, A lot want their books published, I need you to find one that would sell in a month and make it fucken good..."

"Yeah got you..."

"Alright.. get ready for the meeting then.. and please jot down what's important from the book that I should know... you'll tell me on our way there.."

"On it..."

I got up and left.

Work... yeah.. I had to work.

So I buried myself in work, I did as she asked me about Lulama's book, checked the buyers in the four places she counted and then got up around 10:30 since we were about to leave for the meeting.

The was going great actually. I was seeing how the ropes were handled and I loved how Vee took me here with her.

"So, in three days flights to Nigeria have been organised.. the rest will follow and I hope you're ready Lulama... and have been working on your speech, because no one will write it for you there or help." Vee said and this Lulama chick smiled, "I'm ready.. so will it be like only you and I?"

Vee looked at the girl, "yes it will be only me and you.. will there be a problem?"

The girl shook her head excitedly, "of course not, it will be fantastic."

"Okay.. now back to the meeting..."

Okay, by now you can tell that I'm bored to death. And I feel like murdering this kid because she's all over Vee and "looking forward" to them traveling together. She made it sound like it was a fucken vacation and they were celebrating theur honeymoon.

Valentia didn't comment on whatever she blabbed about... and I told myself either she was not paying attention or she just didn't care.

I tried to keep it together until Vee got up to pay the bill and I was left with the kid alone. I looked at her and cleared my throat, "umh... Lulama I don't know if you know this, but I'm sure you do, I just want to remind you that Valentia is married and by the way you've been talking you are disrespecting that..."

She scoffed, "really... you sound like her wife. Are you worried that she might like what she sees once she sees it...?"

I laughed, "so what? You going to drug her and seduce her..."

"You know what? That is not a bad thing at all. We writer have wild minds... she'd enjoy that."

"Lulama I'm warning you. Do no cross that one road because you have no idea where it will lead you.."

She laughed, "oh I know, it would kead me to her bed.. and that is to paradise.. now stop acting like a jealous wife because she doesnt see you like she could see me... it might seem like you actually want her to yourself."

I got up, "stop acting like a desperate little slut, it might seem like you slept your way up."

And I left her there...

The days went by. s*x between me and Valentia or even those kisses, it felt like they didn't happen.

Next thing I know she's asking me to look after the company when they left for Nigeria. They had a month.. spending a week in each place counted. It made me a little sick.. but at least I had work to keep me busy.

.

That month was the slowest month I have ever experienced in my life. Vee kept me up to date with everything literally. It was a bit strange.. but I wasn't complaining. She asked me to set the time so we could Skype and discuss a day ahead and I did exactly that.

I'd watch their promotion online and helped a lot and seeing her face everyday kinda reduced my insecurities about myself.

'now go to sleep.. I'll see you tomorrow okay..' She said and I nodded, "yes ma'am.. sleep well too."

Yes.. it was over... they were finally coming back and I couldn't be happier.

Vee wasn't okay, that I knew. That I could see but I didn't want to push.. so I just kept being there and I talked to her... secretly hoping she'd let me in again.. no matter what the risk.. I knew I wanted her.

..

So tomorrow came as a breeze.. I was okay when I woke up and dressed up for work.

Then my world came crushing down before I could even step out of the darn house.

Susan showed up looking like she's seen a ghost.

"Susan what's wrong?"

She shook her head, "I found out who sabotaged your work two months back.... and I swear you need to sit down for this."

I sighed, "do I know him...?"

"Her...?"

Fuck really?

"Lulama?" I asked and Susan shook her head, "why would she sabotage her own s**t?"

"Because she's jealous of me and wanted me out of the company so she can stay behind."

My friend sighed, "I hope, God, I hope that this isn't the reason the person who's responsible for this did it."

"Who is it...?"

"Sit down."

"Susan come on. I'm running out of time. I need to be at the office."

She sighed, "f**k how do I say this.."

"You fucken give me a name please.. I need to leave."

"It's.. s**t, it's not as easy to just fucken say it."

I rolled my eyes getting up, "fine then... I'm leaving."

I held my door and what she said almost gave me a heart attack.

"Okay fine, It's Zai.... Zai Louw..."