Love Ain't Easy

Chapter Eleven - We Are Done

VALENTIA'S POV

Like, have you ever find yourself in a position where you kinda feel lost and everything almost seems to be foreign...

Seeing Zai now and reflecting on everything that we've been through since I was 18 was just f*****g me up. It had me ask myself if I even knew her or if this, what I was seeing now was the real her.

I'm not talking about a couple of months or days.. I'm talking about years. We practically grew up together and started f*****g in our teens. I thought I knew her.. I thought I honestly did. This is to show that the duration you spend with someone don't really determine how much you know them. It's how true they decide to be around you that does.

But I couldn't go back.. This divorce was happening no matter how many tears she shaded and how many times she's apologized. Oprah once said, 'when somebody shows you who they really are... believe them..' and this right now I believed.

I hated how much time I've wasted.. these past four years trying to build what was already broken.. feeling guilty about something that I shouldn't even have. I loved Olwethu.. she made me feel s**t I hadn't before. But I gave that up thinking I'm making the right decision while I was actually drowning myself.

Safe sometimes isn't safe at all.

Safe iss following your heart no matter what.

I slowly pulled away from the girl and she looked at me. I could see her face and how she looked at me that this was worrying her. I mean I have never, never shed tears in front of anyone.. even my dearest wife.

"Hey..." she whispered holding my face, she still was sitting on my desk with each leg on my side.

"Hey.. f**k, I'm sorry.." I said registering what was going on. I was never the one to cry on someone but when she asked.. when she asked what was wrong and if I was okay, I couldn't stop my tears because I have never been asked that since this ordeal with Zai.

"Don't apologize.. Don't. I'm here.. worried about you... Baby talk to me please.. what is going on?"

I shook my head trying to think about how to put this. I wasn't about to tell her I was divorcing Zai though...or that my marriage was at stake, I wasn't about to.

"Just... everything is building in. My family's expectations, umh, me trying to push up this company, and people trying to ruin me.. just everything I do seems like it's not enough. I am always expected to do more, Or give more or whatever.. I'm tired... I'm just so tired..."

She pulled me into a hug again and I held on tight.

"I'm so sorry... just know you're enough, for the right people you only are enough, you wouldn't have to go an extra mile or be in a certain way or position.. you crying like this is enough..."

I smiled with my head still on her stomach.

She breathed in, "you know... I been worried because I could see that something is not okay, I didn't want to push or be too much because I don't know.. I don't want to push you away somehow and I'm scared to get way too close again because of other things you know... so like I'm really worried and I want you to know that you can come to me or call me anytime.. for you I'll always be available.. I'll always be here."

I smiled wider too and wiped my tears before pulling away. I noticed that I left a stain on her dress, "s**t I'm sorry.."

She rested her hands on my face cupping it and smiled, "it's all good Vee.. this is kinda taking me back to that day I was crying and you had my back at high school.. or that day you watched me vomit coz I had too much alcohol the previous day trying to block out some shit.."

I shuffled and moved ny chair a bit back so I can look at her face very well, "what were you trying to block, you never even told me yow.."

She laughed while shrugging, "nothing much.. guilt of f*****g Jasmine was killing me and then umh... my dad almost beat me that day, so I ran to my room.. tried calling you, when you didn't answer I drank myself to sleep because I was scared of what he'd do..."

"How has everything been.. with your mom and sister, does she ask where her dad is?"

I knew this was getting personal and I had no idea how it went from being about me crying to being about her..but I wasn't complaining, it was actually good that I shift this topic to be about her, I wouldn't have to lie about what's really bothering me.

"I see what you're trying to do.. but it's okay.." she said, "my dad is okay.. umh, Lizzie, she has her days, she's meeting with the school's counselor once a week because she's got attitude and is kinda violent. She asks about him and it still worries her.."

"So she knows.. everything?"

She shook her head no, "like we haven't told her the truth..."

"Oh... She doesn't know why he's there?"

She nodded, "she only knows that he's done some bad things... and umh... she remembers seeing you and me at the hospital beaten up and him there too.... you know it's only it's only a matter of time before she actually asks the right questions..."

I nodded, "yeah.. I can't imagine that.. would be hard."

"But she deserves to know the truth at some point.. she can't live a lie forever..."

That hit home. How I've been living a lie, well, not necessarily a lie, but I haven't been living my life fully because I was scared, scared I'd hurt people I love, scared they'd think I'm being selfish by wanting to follow my heart..

It kinda hurt. How everything wasn't as it seems. How I thought I hurt someone I care about only to find out that they have been actually f*****g me over and acted like an angel.

"True.. she can't live a lie.. so eventually you guys have to be honest.."

"I'm getting myself ready for that. I don't think mom can take it, or let alone do it. So I have to be the grown up in this situation and do the talking."

I smiled a bit, she's actually grown. Mentally and physically..

"You've grown already.. you have so much..."

Then after uttering those words it was like time stood still.. she looked at me and I at her. Our eyes met and I felt chills down my back. I missed her I don't wanna lie.

And having her here caring so much about me just made my heart melt.

I slowly leaned over and she did too.. I wasn't thinking, I'm sure she wasn't too. I mean we kissed before and never talked about it...but, I couldn't stop myself now. It was like my body was controlled and I couldn't do anything about it.

Finally, our lips met and it felt like heaven yet again. She parted her lips a bit and I deepened the kiss.

You know the kiss that happened on friday to shut her up, it wasn't as intimate as this now. Then we were both stressed. Now it was more than just stress and freaking out.

She cupped my face and pulled me closer, I ran my hands on her waist. God touching her like this... it was driving me insane.

I stood up and pushed my chair away from me and then got up without breaking the kiss. I wedged between her legs and now cupped her ass.

We were getting carried away.. my hands were roaming around her thighs and then grabbing her ass.

She moaned a bit making me pull her even closer. The kiss was deeper and my hands were now on the inside of her dress holding her thighs.

"Vee..." she moaned my name when I pulled away from the kiss. My lips connected with her neck and I sucked there.

Her hands were all over my body, she was holding my face, then my shoulders, then my back and then she was pulling my ass towards her, pinning me against her.

She breathed as my tongue made contact with her collarbone, slowly I started grinding on her after pulling her to the edge of the desk.

This was escalating.. we werr getting carried away. I tried to tell my body to stop but it couldn't.. I couldn't...

"Fuck...." she sighed when my left hand held her breast and I squeezed it a bit. I held her back and was about to unzip her dress when my phone rang.

It was my soon to be ex wife. I knew it because the ringing tone was hers.

We both finally came bacm to reality. It was like the involvement of my phone here kicked us back to the moment we were actually in.

She pushed me off, "fuck... Valentia what are we doing?"

I just stood there looking at her all flushed. I wanted her... I yearned for her.

"I... I nead to go. I'll see you tomorrow.." she said getting off my table and I had no fucken idea what to say.

She walked towards the door and I cleared my throat, "Lin..."

She turned to look at me, "yes" and I opened my mouth, "I'm sorry... I... I'm.."

"Forget it..." she said and then she was gone.

I went to take my phone and then took my staff and locked my office.

It wasn't long before I was in my car and heading home. When I got there I had nothing to do. Literally nothing.

Before I could go insane I took my phone and dialed Mariah. It went to voicemail.

I sighed and opted to call Tia..

'Veeeeee... what's up..? How are you?'

Maan! That question. How do I answer it?

"Umh..."

'what's wrong man? What's up?'

I shook my head as if she could see me, "nothing... nothing..."

'are you home? You don't sound okay...'

"I'm home Tia.. I just got home, I wanna freshen up so I was checking up on you.."

'tell you what? Freshen up and I'll bring us something to drink okay... and no you can't say no. So I'm on my way with alcohol.' That was her response.

I laughed a bit and hung up.. there was no way out of this. I needed to get me cleaned before she gets here...

.

"Don't tell my wife, but she's fucken beautiful and hot at fuck..."

I laughed, "she'll kill you and I'll help her.."

She winked, "ahh... you of course, you want her to yourself..."

I smiled a bit while shaking my head at Tia. I took a sip on my beer again and looked at her.

Tia got to my place about an hour ago and she came with pizza and alcohol. Which resulted in me telling her everything.. from when I fell for Olwethu back in high school to the kiss we shared hours earlier.

She was surprisingly good with everything and she even made jokes about it.

"I wish my life was a little bit different and not complicated like this."

"So let's say you finalize the divorce... Then what? You go after Olwethu, coz clearly you guys love each other..." she said and I thought about that very carefully.

I sighed, "I want nothing more than to just be with her but it ain't that easy.. Tia I hit my wife. Something I've never done before and it was so wrong in so many levels. I don't think I can be able to be with that kid while I'm feeling like this..."

She smiled, "I am so glad you said that man. Like I am honestly happy because now you are meeting the problem head on. Get you fixed first before pursuing her. She's amazing, I saw the way she spoke at the event and she's so sprung by you. She couldn't just talk for a full minute without looking at you. Therefore you getting you right first would be amazing for her."

I nodded my head, "yeah.. I need to work on my anger.. I mean last time Olwethu saw me angry I almost killed her step father with my bare hands... She was like it was like I wasn't there, but she managed to bring me back. She doesn't know that. Yes I blackout when I'm totally mad and I don't know what I'm capable of in that state but it's scary as hell..."

"So.. was she scared of you after that?"

I laughed putting the beer on the floor as I remembered how Olwethu responded to that question.

"She said she was only scared a bit. When I came back she felt safe. That kid... man.. She's something else.."

Tia sat there and looked at me. I have to admit, It felt so fucken good to tell someone about my life and actually not be judged or expected to act a certain way or make everyone but me happy... having her here listen to me and actually support and tell me that my happiness cames first.. God! It was the best thing ever.

My new friend smiled and took a sip on her beer, "so get your s**t together and get your girl man... I'm getting wasted. You'll call my wife and tell her to come fetch me and I'll blame you for the alcohol..."

I laughed, friends we choose!

She was great.. for once it felt amazing to have someone fully in my corner.

We kept on drinking.. and yes I called her wife and she fetched her.

Friday was almost a blur... I'm saying almost because Olwethu avoided me the best she could.. of which I didn't blame her, we kissed... twice and we didn't talk about it at all... so I guess she thought the more we were together alone, the more we would kiss and never talk about it...

Then things got worse when I got home. Zai was there waiting outside the gate in her car.

I wasn't in the mood. I honestly was not.

I stopped my car and rolled down the window, "Zai?"

"Can we talk?"

Her face was a little red and she was in her baggy pants and a golf t-shirt. She looked like a mess.. the same mess I have been from the day I found out that our marriage was a frikkin bigger joke than I thought it was.

"No.." I responded simply.

She shook her head, "please, I'm begging you please just hear me out..."

"Heeeeeey Aunty Veeee and Zai..." thr kid from next door shouted and I waved him off ..

Fuck! I didn't want my neighbours in my business... so arguing here was not an option.

"Please baby please.. just let us talk.. please..."

I sighed, "whatever Zai, do whatever you want..." then I opened the gate and drove in. She went to her car and drove in too. I closed the gate after..

I took my lap top bag and my phone with wallet then headed to my house...she followed silently.

I poured myself red wine and went upstairs... I still could hear footsteps behind me.

"Zai what do you want?" I finally asked after placing all that I was holding on the headboard.

She cleared her throat, "Valentia I am going to fight for our marriage..."

"Zai..."

"Look... I know I messed up and I deserve everything that happened to me...."

I shook my head cutting her off, "that's where you're wrong. You don't deserve any of it, more especially me laying my hand on you, I'll forever be sorry for doing that. I shouldn't have let my anger control me. I shouldn't have done that. Therefore I am really sorry like really sorry Zai.. it pains me to even think about it."

"It's okay... I messed up too."

"I messed up and you never hit me..." I said with a shrug and she sighed, "can I just say this.. please."

I took off my shirt and was only left with shorts and a sport bra then I sat in bed, "ait."

She sat next to me and took in one deepest breath, "you know how we started.. I mean in our teens we started off great because it was what we wanted. I loved you so much and I just had to tell you that back then... then we grew and told our parents... which to our surprise they took way way better than we thought they would... when you were 22 our parents started joking about a wedding and how good it would be if we got married. I mean I didn't mind and I told my dad I'd marry you anyday because I love you. Then they started talking about it more seriously and now invited us in..."

I remember. Everything she was saying it was at the back of my head...

She continued, "then we got married, it was the best day of my life.. it was beautiful and I was really happy...."

I was happy too I don't wanna lie..

"Then what happened Zai.. you wasn't so happy anymore and you put Gail in the picture."

She started sniffling, "I was stupid, it was wrong of me.. I'm sorry, it just started as something small and then we kept going. It was wrong of me I admit... then a year later when I found out about that Lin kid I couldn't take it. It hurt so much and made me realize what I had been doing... I got messed up ao much because it was with a child. So when we fixed things and moved in together I wanted us to work for real... I guess I can say I wanted you to myself only. Which was selfish of me.. for some stupid reason I kept Gail and Sam joined..."

My heart... it got f****d over again listening to her confess everything. But I wanted her to stop. So I shook my head, "Zai why are you telling me all this because it's useless... it's just flipping useless.."

She shook her head, "It's not, I broke things off with them.. I want us to fix things please... baby please."

"This is not fixable.."

"It is please... I'll do anything.. anything to fix us."

"Zai..."

She was now crying, she scooted closer to me and held my hands, I let her... The sight broke my heart because I honestly wasn't about to keep going with this, I was so done with us.. and it pissed me off because only now 5 years later she's thinking about leaving her lover and being with me.. that was messed up.

"Please..." she pleaded, "I can't lose you. I love you."

I shook my head, "Zai there's no fixing this and you know it. Besides all these lies that have been going on for over seven years, we don't want the same things now... how will we work on that?"

"I'll do anything.. I'll give you a child just please don't leave me please. I'm begging you.. please."

It surprised me, that she'd want to bring a child into what was already broken...I couldn't do that, not to an innocent baby.

I pulled my hands away from her, "I can't... Zai nothing can fix this. Not even a child... why would we bring n innocent being to our messed up marriage?? we are done.. truly done..."

"Please... please.. I can't. I can't.."

I got up, "I'm going to bath, you'll see yourself out."

"Valentia...."

"Please stop trying... my lawyer will fix the divorce papers and everything.. stop trying to fix what's long broken.." I said before disappearing to the bathroom.

When I got there I opened cold water and just let it splash on me. I cried. I honestly cried for six years that went to marriage that wasn't entirely about love.. six years of my life trying to make everyone but me fully happy...

My life was really f****d up...

Later that night I thought about what was happening.. and what happened between Olly and I.. We needed to talk.. we seriously did.

I took my phone and wrote a text..

ME: Hey, can we meet tomorrow please.. we have to talk about the big elephant in the room. Today I hardly saw you at work I feel like you're avoiding me. So let's just be grown ups and talk about this....

I didn't have to wait long because she texted back immediately.

LIN: I'll come fetch you around 10/11...? No one will be home.

I texted back..

ME: see you tomorrow....