Escaping and Finding My Salvation

Seeing It

Ann Marie

Brody left early the next three mornings. I heard the door. I didn’t get up to chase him. I got up, got dressed, and grabbed my tools. I went to the workshop, and Carl had a list for me. I cut wood, sanded, and measured. At lunch, I went to the community kitchen. I sat with Mitzy and Sammy.

“He walked Riley to the garden this morning,” Sammy said. “They talked for ten minutes. She smiled and giggled.”

I tore a slice of bread into pieces.

“I saw them behind the supply shed. She was leaning against the wall. He had his hand up by her head, leaning on it. They were talking, their heads pretty close.”

I let the pieces drop onto my tray. My stomach turned. I stood up and took my tray to the wash station. I cleaned it thoroughly while I got my thoughts in order. I put the tray on the drying rack, turned, and waved to Mitzy and Sammy before leaving.

Brody came home late that night. He sat on the couch and started taking off his boots.

“I heard you walked Riley to the garden this morning,” I said.

He looked up at me. “Who told you that?”

“Does it matter?” I asked with a raised brow.

He set his boots down hard. “Yeah, it does matter. People talk too much, and I especially don’t like people talking about me.”

“Maybe don’t give them something to talk about.”

He stood. “I was checking the garden path, that’s it. We said good morning, end of story.”

“And what about someone seeing you by the shed, leaning close?”

“People need to mind their own business, and so do you. I’m not doing anything wrong. You’re pregnant and emotional. Stop letting people fill your head with inaccurate information.”

“Is it inaccurate?”

He stared at me. “Drop it, Ann Marie, I mean it.” He went into the bedroom. I stayed in the kitchen and sat down at the table.

I sat there for a long time until I heard him go to bed. I looked at my engagement ring. It was a circular band with a chip diamond. I had loved it when he gave it to me. Now, it felt heavy on my hand.

The next day, I finished a cabinet early and carried it to the community kitchen. On the way back, I cut through trees near the wall. I heard voices. I stopped. Brody and Riley stood by a path. She had her arms crossed. He was talking in a low voice. She laughed. He reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. She didn’t step back. She smiled at him. I stayed behind a tree until they moved on. My heart was beating frantically. I leaned against the tree and let tears run down my face. Then I calmed myself, wiped my face dry, and made my way back to the workshop.

I didn’t tell anyone. I let it stew in my mind. I was eating dinner in the community kitchen when Brody came in. He sat across from me and talked about a fence post that needed replacing. He asked how my back was and if it hurt. I said no. He finished his dinner and said he had to do one more check around the perimeter wall. He stood and kissed me on the head. He left with an absent wave. I picked up his dish and mind and took it to the washing station. When I was done, I went outside and sat on a log around an unlit firepit.

Tanya saw me and came over. She sat next to me.

I’ve been noticing some things. Brody’s been different. She wrote on her board. I closed my eyes, opened them, and nodded.

She erased it and scribbled something else.

That new girl, Riley, asked me if I thought Brody was happy. I didn’t answer her.

I nodded, but didn’t say anything. She leaned her head on my shoulder, and I leaned mine on top of her head. We sat like that for a while. After a little while, we stood up together, and I walked her halfway to the women’s place before we parted ways.

I went inside my cabin. It was empty. I sat on the couch for a little while before finally getting up and going to bed. Brody came in late. I heard him rustling around, then he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled off his shirt.

“You still up?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He was quiet for a little while. “You aren’t going to say anything?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“You aren’t curious where I’ve been?”

“You said you had to check the perimeter wall. I figured that’s what you were doing. Unless it wasn’t.”

He sighed. “Don’t start.”

“I’m not starting anything. I was answering your question.”

He was quiet for a second. “I don’t want to fight with you every night. Can we just stop?”

“Can you stop talking to Riley?”

He didn’t answer right away. “There’s no reason for me to stop. There’s nothing going on between Riley and me. She's just friendly.”

“She seems to be only friendly with you.”

“I’m done talking about her. Drop it.” He flopped down onto the bed next to me.

I stayed curled on my side. I stared at the wall. I didn’t cry. I felt for the ring on my finger and slipped it off. I didn’t think there was any reason to wear it anymore.

He was gone when I woke up. I walked to the community kitchen. When I walked in, I saw him and Riley eating at a far table. He was so focused on whatever she was saying that he didn’t notice me. Martha noticed. So did Carl. They both looked at me, and I just shook my head. I got two slices of bread, slapped some scrambled eggs on them, and then left. I went for a walk while I ate.

I was fully three months pregnant now. My pants were getting tight. My bloated-looking belly was looking a little more bloated. I ate and rubbed it. When I was done, I went to the woodshop. I started building a box big enough to hold a pack, but small enough to fit under a bed. When I was done, I screwed in some hinges on the back and a latch on the front so a combination lock would fit through it. I opened and closed the box. Everything fit and worked properly. I knew a truck was running to town that day, so I hitched a ride. Martha had store credit at the hardware store in town. I got a lock, and while I waited my turn at the checkout, I grabbed a bag of sour gummy worms. Brody said he hated them. I ate the whole pack on my way back to the commune. When I got back, I took the box to the cabin. I pushed it under the bed, all the way in the back. Brody never checked under the bed, so he had no way of knowing it was there. I didn’t know why I built it yet. But somehow, I knew I was going to need it.