Irrevocably HERS

Family. A simple six letter word that you would think could, and should hold a monumental meaning to me. Unfortunately, that is far from what it is to me. What does the concept of family mean to me you wonder? That's an answer I can give without hesitation. The word itself is just a word. It means absolutely nothing to me. That might put you off, but, I am not here to be a people pleaser. I am simply surviving, day by day. Nothing more. Back to the subject at hand. Family. Family coveys a special meaning where parents that have given you life are there to love you with every fiber of their being. That truth should hold some merit, shouldn't it? Parents are there for your highs and lows. Triumphs and fails. There for you at every point in your life. From the moment you are born, you are their sole focus on this planet. They raise you to be someone that can pass onto their children the do's and don'ts of the world. Everything I am saying seems right doesn't it? Family should be the one constant that you grow up cherishing because you know that no matter what, family will love you unconditionally, forever, and that love should flow through you to when you have your own family, and when that family has their own and so on. However, based on my perspective and the sour life I have lived this far, none of that exists in my case. I've never known the feeling of being loved unconditionally. I've never experienced the blissful moments where I knew I had surpassed my parents wildest expectations and made them, what's the word? Proud. The only feelings I have had to grow up with are the feelings of being neglected, unloved, and basically used. It was how I felt with each of the many foster parents who would look at me and only see dollar signs for their monthly checks, not an innocent, lost, confused, abandoned human being. I was always just an item to collect from. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been in the system for as long as I can remember. All I know, and from what I have come to find out, especially when I had itchy fingers when my file was left out in the open on occasion, is that my mom kicked rocks not too long after giving birth to me. She never had the "maternal bond" click in. I was just a problem that needed to be solved. Not sure why she just hadn't chosen the alternative. I may be morbid, but it is a solid thought. It would have been better than the life I was given. Actually, you know what? I honestly shouldn't even call her my mom. More of like an incubator. Yes. Incubator it is. My incubator left me in front of someone's house. That's how much she despised me. Couldn't even to think to wrap a blanket around my little body. Just left me in a box, soiled diaper with a note saying, "just help him as you see fit." The doting father of the year sperm donor is a random John Doe of the world. I mean, he does have a name but, I chose not to even read it. I'm guessing he just hit it and quit it when it came to my incubator. Do I want to know who they are on a deeper level, and ask them why they didn't give two craps about me? Do I someday want to track them down and demand what the hell I ever did to deserve being tossed out of their lives like garbage? Sometimes, rarely, when my darkness pulls me farther into the abyss I know as my life. I contemplate it when things get too heavy. It's not like I have anybody to confide in. Would I ever tell anybody even if I did have just one being who could understand me, to get me? Never. I will never let anyone in. I will never trust anyone because from what I have seen, the only person you can trust is yourself. Being shuffled from foster parent to foster parent, watching them just collect their monthly dues without any concern for who they are taking care of has molded me into the type of person who is severely closed off from society. I keep to myself, never conversing with any of the other kids around me. It's not like I hate them or anything, and maybe that's what they think when they look at me because I am simply a human void. I don't like people around me so I hunker down in my room and escape only when heading off to school where I also keep to the shadows not wanting anybody to come near me. I am unapproachable to say the least. People are schemers, fake concern plastered all over their faces, meanwhile not a damn thing you do or could ever happen to you would they give a damn about. You think for one second any person with what they presume to have as a "heart of gold" would spare a glance at me if I were begging for change on the street, drenched and starving to death? No. Absolutely not. They might say they would to not want to wind up in the fiery pits of hell, but it is a lie. Only anybody cares about is themselves. There are only selfish people living and walking around like their crap don't stink in this world. As you can see, there is not much you can tell me about a person when I know, hands down, that they are nothing but fake and heartless. Do me a favor, show me a person with a pure soul, heart bigger than this world. Please. Go ahead. I dare you. From family to family, house to house filled with other children that weren't, aren't wanted, is how I have come to be sitting here, outside on the front porch of what is hopefully the last home I live in until I age out of the system and move myself into society without the government owning my ass. Yet, who am I kidding? The government will always own my ass. The world of solitude I live in does get to me sometimes but I bury the feeling deep deep down. Instead, I have decided that instead of wallowing away like a vampire in my room, which practically all the little kids around the house think I am, thanks to the movie Twilight, I needed to clear my head. There is non stop shouting around this damn house since the moment I woke up, and here I am outside on the porch, attempting to smoke the cigarette I had just pulled out of my pack, when I notice a car sliding up slowly to the front of the house. I take a deep breath in and wait to see the next member of our merry band of misfits. Another glorified abandoned child who will most likely be obnoxious like the rest of them inside. I raise the cigarette to my lips and light it, waiting, as I watch from the corner of my eye as Mother Hen walks out of the house, quickly glancing at me with a disapproving look with the cigarette in my hand while literally skipping down the stairs all bright eyed and bushy tailed to welcome our newest recruit. I am not sure if she is truly excited about the new person to care for or she, like everyone else, just sees more dollar signs coming her way. I wouldn't be surprised though at her need to help. There have been moments where I have seen actual sincereness at play. I have been here for maybe about two months, so I definitely can't really be too sure of her actions when she proudly accepts more responsibility with troubled youth but, from what I can gather so far, she isn't too bad, but, only time will tell. People will always come to stab you in the back to save themselves. It's just a matter of time. I sit back in the seat and continue to just watch the show unfold when the car door opens and hair as black as night comes into view. It shines in the sun and from what I can see is extremely long and straight. Next thing I know, said jet black hair shows off the most beautiful creature to ever roam the planet. I've had my eyes on certain girls at school before, but none of them, and I mean none of them, can hold a candle to this girl. Her skin is pure like Snow White. Her stance is where her head is held high and just doesn't give a crap about what anybody thinks. Dressed with little to no color, the atmosphere and backdrop around her appear to be shining brighter. The sight of her makes everything more pronounced, the air fresher, cleaner, and not such a fog covering my eyes like it has. How the hell can one being bring so much color to my rather dull life? This is unreal. She is unreal. I must be getting crazier. One person shouldn't immediately invoke emotions I have no business feeling. "Welcome Amber. I'm Sophie, head of the household. I am so glad to have you here. Don't worry. No need to talk or anything. I will not rush you to confide in me but just know that you are safe and wanted here. If for any reason you need someone to talk to, please, do not hesitate to come find me. Morning, noon, or night." Mother Hen, or Sophie as she says, recites the same speech she has given everyone here, including me. I never took her up on her offer though. How can she understand the pain I am going through or the depths of my emotions that run rampant through my body every day? To myself, I am a lost cause. I have spent years building walls and faking my way through my days. I don't need to ever rely on someone else to pull me through. I can pull myself through my misery all on my own. Mother Hen, Sophie, whatever or whoever she really is was probably raised by a mother and father who were selfless and gave her nothing but love. They were probably her anchor just as much as she was one for them. She obviously doesn't know the first thing about being unwanted or unloved. She is not like me. Like any of us here. I don't need her pity. I don't want her pity. This is exactly why I stay away. I honestly don't need to hear this robotic crap again, crap coming straight out of her ass knowing all too well that we are just paychecks to her, so I raise out of my seat and clip the cigarette, only for the new girl to finally notice me. She eyes me like she is searching for something, anything, which makes my heart beat insanely fast in my chest, but I tear my gaze away and go to head back inside only for Mother Hen to call out to me. "Hunter, please show Amber the available room upstairs. Even, maybe, show her around if you could. It would be really nice for someone her own age to show her around, get her situated, maybe introduce her to everyone else? She will be starting school with you come Monday." She says with such hope which only leaves me to huff in annoyance. The sooner Amber knows that I am not the one to be around, that there are others here to keep her company, the better our days will be. "Do I look like a damn tour guide for this rickety old house?" I grit out which only earns me another disappointed look. I can see her sigh and shake her head slightly at my antics. She should know I am the last one to offer any solace or companionship to those who are forced to be here. My eyes move to where Amber stands and she continues to hold my stare. I remain standing glued to the spot as I watch her walks towards the house, up the stairs only to come to stand right in front of me. She gives me a quick once over from head to toe, trying to decipher the asshole that is me, yet I won't give her anything to work with. Without missing a beat, she pushes past me and opens the door to the house, looking over her shoulder quickly. "That's alright Sophie. Don't need this asshole to show me an empty room. I can find it myself." She says with such venom that I nearly miss the fact that her voice does something to my insides. I don't like this feeling coursing through me. I don't want this feeling any more than I want her here or to be here myself. I can already see that her presence here will be my undoing and I will not stand for that. I have come too far shielding my mind, body, soul and heart from the likes of someone who can tear them all down without remorse. Amber better make sure to stay far away from me because if not, I will ruin her far quicker than she can ever ruin me, and let's face it, deep down, that is the exact opposite of what I want to happen .