I look down at my hands, some times I forget what color my skin really is, the color of my hair, the color of my eyes, sometimes I catch my reflection in windows or other shiny surface.
I have to move my hand to recognize that it is me I am looking at.
It has been a long time since I was the pretty sweet little girl, the honey mouthed little apple of my parents eyes, now what am I? A filthy wretch? A bottom feeder? A disgusting excuse of a human? A human, not even sure if I am classed in that category anymore. More like a piece of trash, maybe the piece of shit on the bottom of an ordinary citizens boot that they want to wipe off at the earliest convenience.
I can't look myself in the mirror even when I am in front of one, I don't want to see this person. I want to live in the false hope, that it is not me. I have not fallen so far, I do not disgust even myself.
"I caught her scent, she must be close"
I silently open a bottle splashing more of the disgusting sludge like liquid over me. I put the bottle back in my bag pull the hood of my jumper further down my forehead so that barely my eyes can be seen and silently slip out of the filthy alley like a ghost. My footsteps silent on the ground, sometimes I like to play with fire, but that was a bit close, I haven’t heard their voices in a while.
I finally take a breath of fresh air, well as fresh as it can be when I myself, stink so bad.
As much as I hate the smell, anything to help me from getting caught. I run my fingers along the old brick buildings and sigh. Maybe I will be back here again one day, maybe I won't.
Who cares really, I was sick of this town anyway, it is getting too cold, I want warmth. But to get to warmth I need money, to make money I need to slip from these trackers.
I start think of the next place. As the night turns into day I blend into the architecture to finally close my weary eyes.
I am tired, so desperately tired, I have been tired for 6 years straight. Sometimes I do just want to give up and be caught, go back and face what I have to face. Just give up, 6 years of this has taken every sense of happiness and joy from me, I don’t know if those emotions are even possible for me anymore.
But getting caught is hardy an option, I would rather die, have I thought about suicide? Of course I have, I live a pitiful existence with little hope, but still I can't bring myself to do it. No matter how bad life is it is still a gift, it is a blessing to be alive and breathing when I have so many times nearly not been.
Maybe that is what it is, being on the brink of death so many times will make you appreciate each breath. When you feel your body fight the impending doom, that it when you truly know that this time you are just not ready to give up yet.
I sleep for a few measly hours, but to me, that is a luxury. I move along rooftops silently. Looking down as I hear doors of buildings open. Finally I spot her, a beautiful fashionable young women around 25. She is skinny. About my size perfectly. I drop down the four stories silently behind her. Taking in her scent as she walks off happily talking on the phone.
I turn back to the building walk in the door and walk up the stairs following her scent until I find her apartment.
I grab the tools from my bag and pick the lock carefully and quickly before slipping in the open door like I have done so many times before.
Could have I kicked the door into a pile of toothpicks? Of course I could have, but I am stealing from this girl already, if I can get in and out without her ever knowing, it will be for the best, I don't want to feel unsafe in her own home.
I walk straight to the bathroom and peel off my disgusting clothes, when I say peel I mean literally peel, it has been 2 weeks since my last shower, but the trackers have been closing in so layer after layer of sludge has been poured on me, trying to block my scent. The stuff crusts on my skin and sometimes when I move it cracks releasing my scent, so I just have to put more and more on so I end up this disgusting.
I stand in the shower and look up at the water as I let it run over me. I look down at my filthy feet as I watch the blackish red ooze wash down the drain.
The hot water warms my tired bones and my hollow heart. When the water finally runs clear that is when I grab her soap and start to scrub. Tender white slender arms and hands are revealed. I clench my fists, there is nothing tender or pure about me. I wash my hair loading myself up with any heavily scented product this girl has in her shower, which is a lot.
I finally get out of the shower and grab the hairdryer throwing my long hair over my head and start drying my hair.
Once my hair is dry I let it fall casually over my shoulders before cleaning up the bathroom. I look through the front of my bag. I think I will go brown today. I don't look in the mirror fully just enough to be able to get my brown contacts over my shining amber eyes.
Even just a look of my eyes disgusts me, sorry mum and dad what would you think of your little princess now. I throw my blonde hair over my shoulder, I have tried to dye it many times but it won't stick. It is like I somehow have werewolf healing in my hair follicles. I know, ridiculous. I sometimes wear wigs but I lost my last one recently. So natural it is.
I walk to the girls wardrobe and grab a black hardly worn dress, I can tell she is into the colors so she will not miss this one, I grab a pair of black canvas shoes and pull them on.
Heading back to the bathroom for a coat of red lipstick, my lips are plump so I will usually keep them clean, when I put lipstick on all it makes men think about is a blowjob.
Since I need to talk some poor sap into giving me a ride I need their mind not fully focused. I smack my lips and sneer at myself.
I am disgusting.
I hate myself.