When forever isn't enough

I've always known my life would go to s**t, I married my first boyfriend. We've been together since I was 14. I'm 34 now and my marriage is a f*****g disaster... I thought he was always going to love me, that he would move heaven and hell for me, but that's a whole load of BS, ain't it? I saw it coming though, I was just too in love, too in denial to accept that my marriage was over long before it ever was... I clung to the hope that he would change. I mean, don't people do that when they're in love? Don't you at least try to save whatever is left of that marriage? I did Max didn't even when he swore hell and high water that he couldn't live without me. For years, I believed every single lie that came from that scumbag's mouth, just because I couldn't see my life without him. If you're that long with someone, you owe it to yourself to fight for it, right? Well, I guess the fight is done now that I realized I was the only one that ever fought for what we had. He gave me up in a heartbeat and do you know what sucked the most? He didn't even cry or get angry when I threatened to leave, not even a fake cry. All he said was, "Okay, if that is what you want." Then he was out the door while I stared at the spot he once stood on... I couldn't even cry or feel hurt... As I said, I saw it coming. Max and I went through enough s**t for me to know that sometimes forever isn't enough anymore. Sometimes you have to let go of the things that hurt you, even if, at one stage that something was your entire life, sometimes you need to love yourself enough to put yourself first. I stare at the empty canvas in front of me. It's blank. It's been blank for the past year since Max left. My inspiration is gone. It left the building as soon as he did... Life just feels so unfair, you know? I still miss him... very much, but I miss the man he used to be, the man I loved before he cheated the first time. "Still staring at that thing?" Lexi, my best friend, asks as she makes herself comfy on my sofa. I've been so lost in my thoughts I didn't even hear when she entered my apartment... there used to be 3 of us. Lexi and I haven't been that close even though she has been part of my friend group for a long time, we just bumped heads too much for me to actually like her. I tolerated her for most of my life... Until she became the sole reason why I was strong enough to let Max go. Now it's just the 2 of us, an empty canvas, a broken heart that refuses to trust, a mind filled with doubts and self-loathing. The self-loathing comes from wasting so many years of my life with a man that traded me in for another woman like I was an outdated car. "Give me a break, I'm trying." I snap at her, she looks up at me and shakes her head. "You're coming with me, my little brother has a game tonight. I told him we'd come see him play." "That's rude. Shouldn't you ask me if I'm doing something first before making plans on my behalf?" She's been trying for months to get me to go out and have fun again. "Oh please, you hardly have a life anymore. Get dressed and wear something warm but cute." "I'm not going, I'm painting." "You call that painting? Come on, maybe getting out will help with your painter's block or whatever." "Painters don't get painter block. Those are for writers." "Whatever, hurry up, the game starts in an hour." She gets up and pushes me to the door of my room. I sit my ass down on my bed and stare at her. It's been so long since I've been out, since I dressed up or even wore a bit of make-up... she can see the doubt on my face. She knows I'm ready to back out of this. She knows I would rather stay locked up in this shitty apartment than go out and face the world, so she takes charge. She hands me a tan leather skirt, a black leotard, black stockings and a black fur coat with ankle boots... I'm hardly in the mood for this, but she might be right. Maybe a change of scenery could help me start painting again. I jump in the shower and finish as fast as I can and in less than an hour I'm dressed, my hair is done, and I've even put some make-up on. We were out the door before I could even change my mind... she seemed excited, giddy even, but all I felt was nerves and anxiety. I hate people. I hate large crowds. I just want to be alone and wallow on my own. Outside my apartment, I'm just reminded of everything that happened. Max and I have memories all over this place. Everywhere I look I see a memory we shared, and it tears me apart a little more. She knows what I'm feeling, she grabs my hand and squeezes it. When I look up at her, she's smiling. It's reassuring, comforting even. I wish it was enough to take the lump in my throat away. We make it to the rink with 5 minutes to spare. The bleachers are full of students, families and supporters and when the South Wolves make their way onto the rink, the crowd lose their s**t, they go wild hyping up the players and I feel myself relax a bit. Maybe this is good. Nobody has their eyes on me. For once, I'm not the center of attention. For once, I do not have a neon sign on my forehead "left by her husband for her best friend."