The Lifetimes I Remembered

Chapter Seven: Ivan

It was 4 AM when Ivan left the house. His father and step-family were still asleep and he didn’t bother to leave a note to tell them that he was going for a job even when Cheryl had always requested him to do so. He didn’t see the need for doing it.

It was still a bit dark out but dawn was slowly breaking and soon enough, the sky was a palette of colors that painters would terribly want to recreate. The swirling colors of yellow, purple and blue and the slightest tinge of pink that crept between the clouds.

The beauty that it created wasn’t something he could easily forget.

You don’t forget the beautiful things.

Maybe that’s why he remembered Hannah.

Ivan sighed and jogged a bit further. He was following his usual route but he needed a detour. He hasn’t visited Andre since school started. He still continued his mantra of reminding himself who he was supposed to be, and that it was year 2017.

He reached the cemetery when the sun was higher and rays warmed him. “Hey, Andre.”

Ivan cleaned the leaves that had fallen on Andre’s headstone and then sat down on the grass. He removed the jacket he was wearing and was left in only his white shirt. “Today’s January 16. The year is 2017.”

He stared at the epitaph, stared at the name engraved and waited for some kind of miracle that he would remember the guy buried underneath. But there was nothing. “My name is Ivan Daniels.”

With a sigh of defeat, Ivan laid on the dewed grass. The sun was shining brightly above me and it was almost blinding. Ivan ran a hand through his hair in frustration. There was a part of him that desperately wanted to remember but there was a part of him that also wanted to make due and make progress with the only memory he had.

He thought of that time he spent with Hannah at the café. When he had gotten home, he felt happy to have spent the rest of his day with her even when they were both busy with the night crowd at the café. Still, he had this feeling that everything just fits with her, like having her by his side felt right.

The thought brought another wave of frustration with him because every time he thought of Hannah and how he seemed to remember her. But then there was Grace and even when he had no feelings or memory of the relationship that they supposedly had, he couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Because he knew that Grace was trying to make an effort, he knew that Grace was being patient and even when he didn’t remember that he loved her, he didn’t want to hurt her.

“What do you suggest I do, Andre?” Ivan asked out loud, staring at the sky even when it was making his eyes water. “There’s this part of me that wants to get to know Hannah but where does that put Grace in the picture?”

“I didn’t think that you would actually talk to your dead best friend but I guess you must’ve had a worse concussion than they said.”

Ivan jolted upright and rolled his eyes when he saw Emerson. Her hair was damp from the shower and she was wearing her usual denim jacket, with her hands buried in its pockets. “Hey, Emmy.”

It wasn’t a surprise to see her at the cemetery. Maybe she was also visiting a relative’s grave or something but Ivan usually bumps right into her here. Emerson rolled her eyes at him. “So, I see that you’re visiting Andre’s grave. For what reason when you claim you don’t even remember him?”

There was something that flashed in her eyes as she looked at Andre’s grave and Ivan wondered if there was a past between them that he was supposed to know. “I came here to see if I could remember him.”

“Well?” Emerson asked, looking at him curiously.

Ivan shook his head. “I can’t remember, Emmy.”

“You gotta stop calling me Emmy if you can’t remember anything,” Emerson said with a sigh. “Because Andre used to call me that and since you still can’t remember what role he played in your life, then you don’t deserve to call me that.”

....

Ivan was trying to look for Emerson at school. The last thing she said when she left the cemetery bugged him. It felt like he was supposed to know something about Emerson and Andre and if Emmy told him what it was, then it might be the key to unlock everything that he was supposed to remember.

Because he needed to remember this life even when there was a part of him that didn’t want to.

He saw Emerson sitting under the tree in the courtyard. She had a sketchpad on her lap and she seemed to be lost in the drawing. When he was near her, he caught sight of what she was working on. The fact that she was drawing looked familiar and he reeled back to the latest memories he had and remembered Andre’s memorial and his picture.

“That’s Andre.” He said out-loud and Emerson dropped the pencil and hastily closed the sketchpad.

She glared at Ivan. “You do know it’s rude to just randomly pop out of nowhere and invade someone else’s privacy.”

“You didn’t seem to share the same sentiment at the cemetery earlier,” Ivan commented, sitting down beside her. He opened the lunch that Cheryl had packed for him and handed half of his sandwich to Emerson.

Emerson was the only person in school who treated him normally and without caution. She didn’t bother pressing him for memories that he didn’t have. She would ask a question and when he didn’t have the right answer, she would immediately let the subject die down.

She stared at the sandwich that he offered her. “You’re sharing lunch with me. Why?”

Ivan shrugged. “Because I noticed that you don’t normally eat lunch. I don’t see you in the cafeteria and I don’t see you bringing your own lunch and eating it here. I just see you drawing here at lunchtime.”

Emerson’s eyebrows rose. “Why are you stalking me?”

“I’m not,” Ivan said, leaving her half of the sandwich on her lap when she didn’t show any motive of taking it from him. “I just notice you, that’s all. You’re the only person at school who doesn’t ask me every day if my memories are back.”

“I asked you earlier.”

“But you didn’t press,” Ivan said with a sigh. “I’m supposed to be eating lunch at the cafeteria with Grace because that’s what everyone expects me to do. But I’m tired of listening to what everyone talks about.”

“And you’d rather sit with me because?” Emerson pressed, wanting him to continue.

Ivan shrugged. “You’re one of the two people in school that I feel at ease with. With everyone else, it’s like I’m supposed to remember what role they played.”

Emerson didn’t say anything else. She ate half of the sandwich that he gave her and continued to draw Andre. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Depends on the question.”

“What did you mean about calling you, Emmy? The only reason I call you that is because I heard my Dad call you Emmy. I thought that was your name at first.” I said, looking at her curiously. “And why are you drawing Andre?”

“Ivan,” Emerson began, turning her head to me, “if you don’t want me asking questions, then I suggest you don’t either.”

Ivan pursed his lips but nodded. “Was I rude to you before?”

Emerson glanced at him. “You didn’t speak to me before. You were too cool for the likes of me. The only reason you talk to Andre is that you two have been friends for so long.”

He thought of what Emerson said and figured that she must’ve been right. With how popular Grace was among others and how everyone seemed to be worried about him, and how everyone else treated Emerson, then she must be right.

Just as he was about to reply, he caught sight of Hannah passing by with Hazel right behind her. He often wondered how Hannah didn’t seem to be annoyed by his step-sister. He watched as she shook her head and said something to Hazel, placed a hand on her shoulder and looked like she was trying to reason with the eccentric girl.

Hannah looked beautiful in that moment, even when she was trying to reason something to Hazel. There was a slight crease on her forehead and the small frown that formed on her lips. Her pale hair was let loose and her gold eyes held the patience a lion would have when he anticipates his prey.

“You stare at her like she’s the only girl in the world,” Emerson commented, snapping him out of his senses.

He glanced at the redhead beside him. “What?”

She smirked and then nodded to where Hannah stood. “At Pearce. You stare at her like she’s the only girl in the world. I thought you were loyal to Grace, Ivan.”

Ivan turned away and sighed. “How can I be faithful to someone I don’t even remember loving?”

Emerson shook her head at him. “Then lose Grace, Ivan. Don’t string her along. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt.”

....

The moment he came home, Ivan headed straight to the couch. Cheryl and Hazel were at the café and his Dad was at the station so it was just him at home. But just as he was about to close his eyes, the doorbell rang.

Sighing, he got up and opened the door and wasn’t even a tad bit surprised when he saw Grace. She had changed from the outfit she wore earlier at school and she had removed her makeup. She was actually really pretty but still, Ivan didn’t have any feelings for her.

“Hey!” She greeted, kissing him on the cheek. She headed straight into the house and to the kitchen, most likely to prepare him a snack to eat.

This wasn’t unusual for him anymore. When he got out of the hospital, Grace practically lived with them. She took good care of him, like how someone would take care of the person they loved. At first, he was uneasy at how Grace acted towards him but then she was supposed to be his girlfriend so it was one of her duties to take care of him.

He just didn’t think it was fair for her to take such care of him when he doesn’t even remember what it was like to love her.

Grace handed him a plate of fish and chips and sat beside him. “You didn’t eat lunch with us today.”

He knew she was going to ask that. “I had lunch with Emerson.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “I take it you had lunch with her because you’re feeling guilty that she lost her lunch buddy because of the accident.”

This was what Ivan hated most, the way Grace talked to him like there wasn’t anything missing in his memories. “I ate lunch with her because she doesn’t press me to remember things.”

He stood up and headed to the kitchen, making a different dip for himself because he didn’t like the sour cream dip that she had laid out for him. When he came back to sit on the couch, Grace stared at the mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise that he made.

“You used to hate mayonnaise,” Grace commented, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Ivan wanted to tell her that he did but Hannah loved it-

The thought of knowing that Hannah liked that condiment startled him like every memory of Hannah did. He wasn’t supposed to remember her, hell, he wasn’t even supposed to know things about her. Hannah was new in town so even prior to the accident, he never knew her until now.

But how come the memories of her came but not the ones of this lifetime?

“Huh.” He muttered, thinking of an excuse. But when he looked at Grace, she was staring at him like a love-struck fool. He knew what that look meant and he wasn't surprised when she began to lean in to kiss him.

He dodged the kiss and she closed her eyes in frustration. “You haven’t kissed me in a long time, Ivan.”

Even without his memories, it wouldn’t be that hard to kiss Grace. She was pretty and she was practically forcing herself on him. Any hormonal guy his age would love to be in his position. But he couldn’t give in to her because he felt like he was being unfaithful.

It felt like he was cheating on Hannah when they didn’t even know each other.

“I don’t remember what it’s like to kiss you.” He admitted.

Grace reached and held his hands. “Then kiss me so you’ll know.”

He hated to see the desperation in her eyes. “I can’t. I don’t even remember what it feels like to love you, Grace. I’m sorry.”

She closed her eyes and he saw the slow tears that descended on her face. When she opened her green eyes, the hurt was clearly there. He reached and wiped her tears away. He was ready for her anger but what she told him only broke his heart.

“I’m not giving up on you, Ivan. I’m not giving up on us,” she whispered, wiping away her own tears, “If your mind doesn’t remember me when I’m still hopeful that your heart remembers what it’s like to love me.”

His heart broke for her because if there was one thing he was sure of at the moment.

It was the fact that his heart was meant for someone else and wasn’t for her to take.