The Lifetimes I Remembered

Chapter Four: Ivan

Today’s January 3.

Year 2017.

My name is Ivan Christopher Daniels.

I’m seventeen.

My birthday is on the fourteenth of February.

I am the son of the sheriff in Blue Valley. My mother died when I was twelve.

I have a girlfriend named Grace.

Today’s January 3.

Year 2017.

My name is Ivan.

He kept repeating those words as he had his morning run. But no matter how much he did, no matter how much the words echoed in the recesses of his brain, it was still hard to grasp that it was his reality.

When he woke up in that hospital, he was sure that the night before, he was spending it with Hannah in 1987.

But it wasn’t 1987.

And he didn’t know any Hannah.

Ivan jogged to the cemetery, where Andre’s remains laid to rest. Andre Michaelson was the guy he was in the car with when that accident happened. According to the police, Andre died on the spot because he had it worse. Ivan couldn’t remember him either, but he still felt guilty. He was the guy behind the wheel and the reason why Andre was now laying 6-feet below.

He ran up to where Andre was buried and then stopped. Ever since he got discharged from the hospital and after Andre’s funeral, Ivan had decided to run from where he now rested. He thought that maybe it was the least he could do for killing someone who was a complete stranger to him at the moment.

Ivan cleaned the fallen leaves that had fell on Andre’s headstone and as he always did, he read the epitaph, hoping that the words would ignite a spark of memory about the guy he killed.

Here lay the remains of

Andre William D. Michaelson

May 27, 1999 - November 7, 2016

Gone too soon.

But the epitaph was so vague that Ivan still had to rely on what everyone else told him about Andre. What frustrated him more was the way everyone looked at him with such sympathy for having to grieve the life of someone who was supposed to be his best friend but now had no memory of.

The doctor had diagnosed him with temporary amnesia due to the concussion he had acquired from the accident. Dr. Peterson said that he was lucky. A shard of glass had struck his airway and he could’ve died too. But by some kind of miracle, Ivan had lived.

He just lost his memories of this life.

It was especially hard for him on the first few weeks. His Dad had stayed with him at home for a week, showing him pictures of himself when he was younger and of his Mom. Even Grace came every day to help him jog his memories but nothing could ever spark it back. It came to the point that Grace had to write his eulogy for Andre because he didn’t know what he was supposed to say about a guy who was supposed to be his best friend.

“Hey Andre.” Ivan greeted, sitting down in front of his tombstone. Ivan didn’t know if they used to greet each other differently. He didn’t know what kind of friendship he had with Andre but in Grace’s description, they were two peas in a pod but you’d never realize it if you judged them by their appearance.

“My name’s Ivan.” He began. Since he’s been running and stopping by Andre’s grave, he found comfort in saying those words where Andre was buried. He just thought that, maybe if he said those words out loud and then see his name on his epitaph, by some kind of miracle, it would hit him. The memories he had of the guy laid to rest in front of him.

Because he needed to feel the pain and guilt that he should be feeling. Because being in pain for losing his best friend was much better than all the confusion that consumed his heart.

“It’s the third of January.” He said lastly, and with a sigh, finished his mantra. “2017.”

Ivan looked at Andre’s name, wishing and hoping for a spark of memory, no matter fleeting. “I keep of dreaming of her. Of the girl named Hannah. And when I’m awake, I just want to look for her. It feels like I need to be by her side.”

The dreams were getting stronger and Ivan couldn’t help but wonder if it meant that it was just simply getting worse. If he just basically turned into someone delusional with memories that his mind just magically conjured.

“It doesn’t make sense, Andre,” Ivan said, standing up and looking at Andre’s grave. “My life just doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s like I woke up into a living nightmare.”

With one last look at Andre’s grave, he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Andre. I’m sorry if I still can’t remember you.”

Today’s January 9.

Year 2017.

My name is Ivan.

The shrill sound of his alarm didn’t faze him, he let it ring. Ivan stayed motionless on his bed, staring blankly at the white ceiling. He closed his eyes for a moment and his mouth whispered the words in his head.

“Today is January 9. It’s year 2017. My name is Ivan Daniels.” He whispered but even then, the words just simply didn’t make sense. With a sigh, he got up from his bed and changed into his running gear.

He needed to run.

He needed to clear his mind.

He ran for almost an hour and when he realized that it was almost time for school, Ivan didn’t stop by Andre’s grave. He rushed back to his house to find his father and step-mother and sister already eating breakfast.

“Ivan!” Cheryl greeted her with a smile. Ivan knew that she was trying so hard to be his mother, perhaps with the amnesia, be the mother that he could ever know. “Have breakfast with us.”

Ivan glanced at the wall clock and politely shook his head. “I’m sorry. I could just use some toast to eat on the way to school. But I need a shower right now.”

He rushed to do his necessities and he was back downstairs in a span of fifteen minutes. His father was already gone but Hazel and Cheryl were still in the kitchen. Cheryl handed him a brown paper bag. “I made you a sandwich for breakfast. You shouldn’t go to school with an empty stomach.”

Ivan nodded and smiled. “Thanks.”

“Oh! Ivan!” Hazel stood up, kissed her mother’s cheek and grabbed her bag. “We should go to school together.”

Ivan glanced outside, where his motorbike was parked. He bought it two weeks after the accident, trading the car he won the race with it. “I’m using my motorbike today, Hazel.”

It wasn’t that Ivan didn’t like the new family members he got. He couldn’t even remember the old ones so he couldn’t actually compare. Cheryl was tolerable and she was trying. But Hazel, Ivan didn’t know how he was supposed to handle her. She was overly clingy and invaded his personal space; she didn’t even seem to understand that he didn’t have any memory of his entire life. She just kept barging in.

“It’s okay. I mean, it’s scary but I really need to get to school. There’s a new student her name’s Han-.”

“I don’t like other people on my motorbike. If you need to go to school already, the bus will be arriving in two minutes. I suggest you rush to get there.” Ivan told her curtly before getting out of the house. He just simply did not like how Hazel invaded his space.

Ivan arrived at the school within ten minutes and watched while leaning on his motorbike, the students heading inside the building. He did the same thing when he first came back to school after the accident, wanting to see if there was a familiar face, any familiar face that he knew.

But there were none.

“Ivan!”

He didn’t turn around automatically but he heard the name. For a split second, he thought someone else was being called until he remembered that he was Ivan. He turned around and saw Grace, heading to where he was standing, a huge smile on her face.

Any guy would feel damn lucky to see someone as beautiful as Grace heading their way with a huge smile on her face and eyes filled with such adoration and only on him. “Hi, baby.”

Ivan almost flinched at the greeting. He tried his best to flash her a smile but he was sure that it just came off as a grimace. “Hi, Grace.”

Grace presented him a Tupperware that had chocolate cake inside. “Mom baked a cake for you. It’s your favorite.”

Ivan stared at the cake. It wasn’t that it was unappetizing. It was just that the word ‘favorite’ ruined any appetite he had for the dessert. “My favorite?”

Grace looked at him cautiously. She slowly nodded and opened the container. “You used to beg Mom to bake you one. All for yourself. That’s how much you love it.”

“I like chocolate cake?” Ivan asked her and he saw the flash of pain pass through her eyes. He knew that she was simply trying and that her patience was actually remarkable. But Ivan felt like he was being forced to live a life that he was sure wasn’t his.

“What if I like strawberry cheesecake?”

“You used to tell me that the taste of cheesecake doesn’t sit well with your tongue,” Grace said quietly, looking down.

He sighed. “Grace, you know how I feel about this. You know I’m not comfortable with being forced to just embrace this life.”

“It’s your life, Ivan. We’re just simply helping you remember it.” She said, closing the container with its lid. Her green eyes looked tired and weary. “But you keep pushing everything away.”

“Because it doesn’t feel right, Grace,” Ivan told her. He sighed and ran a hand through his thick black hair. He looked at her. He saw the pain in her eyes. He didn’t want to hurt her.

“You’re just frustrated with everything that happened, Ivan. Your memory. Andre’s death.” She grabbed his hand and held onto it tight. “You will remember who you are. And until then, I will help you. I will stay by your side even if you don’t want me to. I love you, Ivan. And no matter how much you push me away, I will stay.”

She let go of his hand, placed the chocolate cake on the seat of his bike and then walked away. He watched her as she made her way to the school. Sometimes, Ivan thought it was just better to simply accept what they say and follow through with the life that they all claim was his. But other times, he couldn’t do it.

Because what if he actually remembered.

But it wasn’t the life that they claimed and kept on telling him.

Ivan was bored in the middle of the first period so he decided that he was gonna skip the second one. The funny thing about his memory was that he seemed to forget the people that were a part of his life but remembered other, insignificant things, like the secret way to the backstage of the gym where everyone almost spent their time when they decide to skip class.

“Ivan!”

He stopped. He knew that voice and he groaned in annoyance. How was it that he just had to bump into Hazel in the middle of a skipping session? He whirled around to face his step-sister but what he saw rooted him on his spot.

Blonde hair.

Liquid gold eyes.

He couldn’t stop staring at her. And judging by the way she was looking at him, she couldn’t stop either. Something in mind just suddenly clicked and his heart swelled at the sight of her. A part of him wanted to rush to her, embrace her and feel her in his arms.

Except, he couldn’t.

“This is our new student, Hannah Pearce.” Hazel pulled her so that she’d be in my line of sight. I wanted to reach out and hug her tight. “Hannah, this is Ivan Daniels. He used to be quarterback but well, ever since the accident-,”

“Hazel!” He snapped. Hazel somehow managed to annoy him even in his state of shock. “I don’t think she needs to know that.”

“Well, you and I both know that she evidently will with the rumor mill here in school,” Hazel said, sounding so nonchalant and even shrugging. “Anyways, he’s the son of the sheriff in town and he happens to be my brother.”

“Hazel!” Ivan hissed, narrowing his eyes at her. “Stop telling everyone I’m your brother. It’s only in papers, never in blood.”

He casted one last glance at Hannah and then shouldered past the two of them. For a split second, he was afraid that she could hear the wild beating of his heart.

He was sure that it was her.

His heart was sure that it was her.

She was his Hannah.