Bituin: Queen of Aourterde

The Past - IV

I am alone once again. My heart beats alone once again, there were no more movements in my belly, nobody kicking me from the inside. I was empty once again. Years of praying for an heir and within a minute I lost him. My babe was gone.

“Mahalia you have to eat something, please my beloved. You can not go on like this.” Jedidiah pleaded. His voice was a faint sound in the distance inside the void I felt within me. Time seemed to stand still for me. I had no need for food I had no need of anything. What I needed was someone to make the void go away. One by one they would come in and try to feed me some succeeded some did not, they would try to talk to me or encourage me to do something, the cycle kept on going for a while but still none of them understood the emptiness I felt. The feeling of being sucked into a void I couldn’t come out of.

Anatalia comes in every day, she gives me a bath, brushes my hair and dresses me. Sometimes she would sit me by the window to watch the scenery. She wouldn’t try to encourage me she would simply sit next to me in silence offering me her support, something I dearly appreciated.

I wondered many a times how he would have one day grown to play in the garden. He would swing in the tree branches and perhaps even stomp on the pretty flowers that I groomed. I’d playfully yell at him or even run after him to catch him. I could hear him laughing as I catch up to him and hold him close to me. I poke his sides and he giggles till he falls out of my arms. A smile stretches across my face at the thought, the small joy quickly evaporates and my reality floods back, he is gone.

“He is gone” I whisper. “He is gone. I will not get to hold him, never will get the chance to hear the sound of his laughter. I will not see him grow up-p I I-I wi-l-l” I broke down and cried. Anatalia stood up and held on to me. She rocked me back and forth not saying anything. She held me as I cried for what seemed like hours. The tears didn’t help because the pain never went away.

The night time came and I was once again in my bed. Listening to my own heartbeat instead of the two I had become accustomed to.  Jedidiah came in with food, if only I could get him to stop. His attempts at feeding me were making me feel worse. He placed the tray in front of me, I started to turn away and heard him sigh. I knew his patience with me was about to run out but I couldn’t help it. Eating would only mean vomiting later on.

“Mahalia please. It has been almost an entire month. I’m not expecting you to forget what happened I am simply asking you to eat, to stay alive for me. What we went through was not easy for the both of us. I cannot lose you too. At least eat, drink something please!” he stood up pacing back and forth.

“I get it alright I get it because I was there with you throughout the years of pressure, the months of praying the sleepless nights of wishing for a child. I was there when we found out about the pregnancy! I was there Mahalia! I was there with you watching as the babe grew in your belly! I was there through the pains and aches of its growth! I am hurting too! This loss is not yours alone MAHALIA!” He screamed then pushed the cup over suddenly things were flying. He was like a wounded animal in a cage. Hitting the walls throwing books and chairs, he smashed the plates against the wall, the sounds of breaking glass resonating throughout the room.

Despite his breakdown, I still felt nothing. I watched him in silence as he let out his anger on everything around us. I watched as things flew across the room and still I felt nothing. I looked on wishing I felt something enough to be able to comfort him but I could neither move nor could I make anything better. I simply watched.

“Jedidiah!” Akio and a few guards barged into the room. The guards tried to restrain him but they could not. Many times he slipped out of their hold and found something new to break. Akio went forth and punched him in the face making him stop immediately. The room fell silent. Jedidiah looked up at me, dark clouds had formed under his eyes, he had a bruise on his left cheek, tears and sweat mixed as they ran down his face. A few of my own tears ran down my face. I needed to help him but how could I when I could barely move. “Come on, come with me you need to rest for a while” Akio lead him out of the room. After a few minutes maids came rushing in to pick up the pieces and clean up after him. Nobody said a word to me. They went about their business and I sat silently watching them.

“Leave us” I saw Akio walked back into the room and the servants all rushed out. He walked closer to the bed. I stared at him I knew I should be ashamed for the state in which he found me in but I couldn’t and I didn’t care. Akio was dressed in his training suit so he must have come from training. His loose shirt had a cut showing the open skin on his left side. He should have gotten it checked instead he was here.  

“It is raining outside.” He simply stated. He then sat next to me on the bed his hands leaning on his thighs hunching forward. The movement had caused him to hiss a little and touch his side. The wound beginning to bleed. 

“I remember just how much you used to love the rain.” He whispered “’Rain is not a bad omen, rain is the essence of life, how can something which gives life ever be a bad omen.” Do you remember when you used to tell me that? I want you to feel the rain again Mahalia. I want you to feel the blessings of the rain.” He then stood up suddenly looking determined and threw the blankets away from me. He grabbed my hands and lifted me up, not expecting such a sudden movement my legs gave out and I fell down.

“I am not letting you go that easily.” He bent down and carried me in his arms. I tried to resist but he held me tighter moving me closer to his chest giving me a warning look. He then walked us out of the room heading straight for the stairs, the same stairs that took what was most precious to me. “It’s alright, it’s okay.” He sensed my uneasiness and took careful steps down the stairs.

We had caused quite the stir everyone who was around the vicinity looked at us. Many were shocked to see me out of my room. Others whispered on how inappropriate it was that Akio was carrying me. On reaching the ground Akio continued out of the castle and into the rainy outdoors. He marched passed the gates and into the woods. We kept walking, not carrying that we were getting soaked by the rain, Akio took me further into the woods.

We walked close to the outskirts of the castle, towards the clearing before the cliffs. He sat my feet down on the ground I trembled trying to balance and he held me.

I looked up to the sky the rain falling on to my face and for the first time in a long time I began to feel something. My heart leaped at the memories and my love for the rain. It had always been my haven. I tried to hold back the sob as my emotions tumbled over me.

“Don’t hold anything back Mahalia. Let it all out. Do not push back your emotions. Allow yourself to feel that pain.”

And I did. I fell down to my knees allowing myself to cry.  

“Scream Mahalia!” he instructed.

I screamed. At the top of my voice I shouted at the night sky. I screamed at the stars and the Gods for taking away what was mine. For giving me hope and then brutally taking it away. I screamed profanities at the whole world unleashing whatever chaos I could. I made enough noise to get pass the void I had been sucked into until I had nothing left inside of me. I cried until eventually I fell silent. I felt raw but I was glad I could feel again.

Akio stood by only watching me. He said nothing for a while leaving me to my own thoughts. He then crouched down to me with a dagger in his hands. “When was the last time you trained?”

I looked up at him. The rain had caused his night black hair to stick to his forehead but the specks of green in his grey eyes still shone despite the darkness. “I bet I can still beat you even without years of training.” I smirked at him. He laughed and then helped me to my feet. I took off my cloak and ripped the side of my gown to make my movements easier.

“Let us see what you can do your majesty.” He bowed down to me mocking me and I took the opportunity to land a blow on his chin. He was surprised but he got up and immediately took his stance ready to attack. 

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We ran back to the castle, the both of us drenched in mud and our own blood. I had missed the feeling of being bruised and battered in training, the feeling of my stretched muscles. Becoming queen of the East had come with a lot of responsibilities, sometimes I hardly had time for myself. In the beginning I had trained once in a while until eventually I had to give it up, the castle and kingdom duties were too much for a new queen.

Running had gotten my heart racing again. The wind and rain pushing on to me and I pushed back as I ran over branches and rocks. Akio ran behind, I had always been faster than him I was quick on my feet since our younger days. Running with him in the woods made me feel years younger it brought back memories of me and him when things were simpler. We were just children back in the South-East Kingdom before marriage, before the thoughts of heirs, kings and kingdoms were forced down our throats and before Jedidiah and I. It had been Akio and I running and training, enjoying the natural state of childhood and friendship.

I stopped in the front gates of the castle panting. I looked behind and I saw Akio walking closer. “Hey your majesty, have you just gotten beaten by a girl?” I mocked him.  

“It’s called manners your highness, I could never let a lady loose” he retorted. I laughed looking at him as he approached me. “And I would lose a thousand times if it means her highness gets to keep that smile on her face for all of time.” He pushed stands of my hair away from my face and smiled at me.

I leaped into to his arms holding onto him tightly. “I will be forever grateful that it was you who found me that day many years ago, you saved me a month ago too and now I owe you not just my life but my entire existence. How could I ever repay you for the blessings you have brought to me Akio?”

“A friendship like ours does not count favours nor expects repayments Mahalia.  We help those we love” he hugged me back just as tight. We stayed like that for a minute until someone cleared their throat.

“Am I disturbing?” I turned to see Jedidiah standing at the entrance looking at us. He averted his eyes as soon as they met mine. I knew he was feeling shame for the scene he had caused earlier. I ran up to him suddenly not so sure what to do, he and I needed to talk. Akio excused himself to give us time alone. I leaned closer to Jedidiah and kissed him. He had not expected it but once he recovered, fiercely he kissed me back. “My Queen” he whispered between out kisses. For a while our lips and tongues danced together feeling the unsaid words between us. I missed him, I had failed to see his pain aside from my own. The babe was his as much as he was mine. The loss was ours and not mine alone. The wound was not closed but my healing had started and who better to go through this journey with than the man who had always been there, the one person who knew a fraction of what I was going through.

He pulled back staring at me caressing my cheek, “Should I be mad that Akio accomplished what I could not or should I just be grateful that you are back to me.” We chuckled at his apparent jealousy.

“You should be glad my King that you have a true friend and that your Queen is here with you. Come on lets go back inside we have many things to talk about and I have been out in the rain for too long.” He places a kiss on my forehead then takes my hand leading me back to our home.