Memories of Tomorrow (Original, English Version)

21 - Lee Smith

“Did you wait long?” I was taken out of my daydream, sitting on the railing, when Oliver spoke. I glanced at my wrist watch. 6:32 in the evening. Personally, I am not yet hungry. So, I can’t say I’ve been waiting.

“You’re early.” I stood up to open the door for him. He’s got packages on both hands.

I was feeling a little awkward. I still can’t believe I dared to kiss him earlier. I shook my head at the thought.

“Any problem?” he asked after sitting down on the floor. I rarely sit on the floor, it can be really uncomfortable when you did for long.

“You can sit on the bed if you’re uncomfortable.”

“Is that an invitation?” I can hear his teasing note. One glare and he became solemn again.

“Sorry.” He muttered as he opened the packages on the table one by one. I grabbed a milkshake.

I think both of us are unsure what to do, and what to talk about. This time, I kept my distance. I remained sitting on the floor and him sitting on the bed.

“Do you want to play 21 questions?” He suddenly asked as we were eating silently.

“What’s that?” I asked back, savoring the taste of pork barbecue.

“We ask each other questions. Alternate. I ask you a question, you answer. Then you ask me a question and I answer. It’s pretty much used in getting to know each other.” He explained and I find it fascinating. Aya may have mentioned it once but I wasn’t paying attention.

“Alright. Sounds lovely. You should know, though, I have a knack for discerning lies.” He smiled at my statement.

“Yeah, you’ve proven that already. I don’t know how you do that. But I’ll be honest with you from now on.”

“Promises, promises. I should give you a penalty whenever you break that promise.” The truth was, I only watch expressions when I’m looking for liars. I find it easy to notice the discomfort, the nervousness, the fact that they can’t look you in the eye, or they’re too straight-forward it’s like they’re hiding something.

“Alright. Here’s my question: Do you hate me?” His question made me pause my eating. It took me a while to contemplate. Watching him, I can tell he’s a little nervous. In my mind, I was like… why would you ask a question that makes you nervous?

“I don’t hate you. I hate the behavior. I would appreciate it if you don’t mess with my life. You don’t decide for me. I can do that for myself, and I ought to do that for myself. I’m sure you don’t want me dictating you what to do, right? If I tell you to get away from your female associates, what would happen to your business? If I tell you to stay away from your female friends? In fact, don’t have any female friends. Don’t even look at one. That’s what pissed me off. I need male friends, alright? There are some things you need to talk about with someone of the opposite s*x. You won’t get the same advice from someone of your own gender. I’m sure you understand what I mean.”

I found him grinning when I finished. I actually didn’t look at him while I’m speaking. I kinda focused on the food and the message. His expression turned solemn after we stared at each other for a minute though.

“Thank you. When you told me you hate me, my heart broke a little. I don’t want you to hate me. I want you to love me. I want you to like me. And this probably helps in understanding each other better.” He gestured to the two of us. I get that he’s referring to our conversation.

“What’s your question?” 

 I bit my lip. I don’t want to focus on a specific statement of his.

“Why do you like me? I don’t have a name. I’m not doing exceptionally well. I don’t even have memories. For all we know I could be a seriously bad person. I don’t know why you would want me.” There, laid bare and vulnerable. I don’t know anymore. We’re doing a lot of staring at each other tonight.

“Don’t say it like that. I know you’re a good person. You have a heart that sees the good in people. You help others in your own little way. And you’re beautiful and sweet. Your personality makes it easy for others to like you. You’re lovable. You may not have your memories now, but I like you just like this.”

I could only smile at him, but inside me, I know I’m lacking. He must have noticed me looking down in shame. He’s in front of me in a second, his hand tilting my chin to look up at him.

“Why do you put yourself down? You’re good enough. You’re better. I’d say you’re better than me and it makes me want to be a better person to be your equal. Don’t ever think that you’re not good enough. You are, and more.”

Ah, damn. He could say the best words. To make me smile and cry at the same time.

“Thank you.” I muttered as I wiped my tears away. “I’m not usually a cry baby.”

He remained sitting on the floor but he leaned back on the bed, so we’re still across each other.

“Should I continue with the questions?” He asked.

“Should I count that as your question?” I replied, but he grinned.

“You just said your question as well. My turn again.” He looked thoughtful for a moment.

“What are your plans for the future? Do you want to try some other kind of work?”

I smirked at his question. “Did Elian’s question bother you?”

“A little, but I understand you enjoy working at Tracy’s.” He grabbed another box from the table. Men really eats a lot. Somehow, his stare no longer bothers me. I’m used to it by now.

“Yeah, I do. But it’s not like I really don’t want to try others, it’s just that… I’m afraid I’m going to mess things up. I don’t want to cause trouble for others. If I’m going to try other jobs, I want to be sure that I can actually do the work.”

“I think you should consider the things you actually liked doing. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you’re good at your job, what’s more important is that it’s something you enjoy.”

“Do you enjoy your job? Running your company?” I’m actually interested in this question. All I could think about is it should be hard. A company that big probably has a lot of issues and problems.

“During the early years, it was so hard. By then, we were still formulating the policies and procedures for whatever situation we find ourselves in. Everyday, there’s a new problem that we had to resolve. It took years before everything settled, before everyone could do things on their own. These days, either I initiate a project, or I support someone’s proposal. There are still big decisions I had to make. Sometimes I spend weeks contemplating on an action before we actually act on it. Others took months. We still experience problems every now and then, but by now it’s not something we haven’t faced before, so it’s easier to deal with.”

“You worked hard. It should be worth it, right?”

“Yes, it’s worth it.” We paused for a few minutes. It’s his turn to ask anyway, so I focused on enjoying a slice of cake. He even brought dessert.

“Cara’s been reading a lot of novels lately. She told me about how the rich male lead usually provides the female lead with his own credit card, for her to spend. Sends gifts and whatnot. She suggested I do the same with you, but I thought you wouldn’t appreciate it. I can tell you have an independent streak, and you wouldn’t want other people to give you an advantage that you didn’t earn on your own. What’s your opinion?”

“Thank you.” I can’t help but laugh. I guess he did know me, on a certain level.

“Sometimes, it’s actually tempting. I remember every single time we go out, and you actually spend a lot. Even though I buy some things once in a while, it’s practically nothing compared to what you give me. I get envious. I would think, what would I do with my life if I have as much money as you? I don’t know. I have no idea. I like the idea of going shopping, buying whatever my eyes fancy. Then I would remember how small this room is, and I would shut down that daydream. Maybe I should buy a house. It would probably take me over thirty years to do that.” I sighed. These jumbled thoughts… I don’t want Oliver to get any ideas.

“At the end of the day, I guess I’m realistic. This is where I live, these are the things I could afford, I like my work, I like… whatever I currently have. I dream for something better, but currently… it’s just that: dreams.”

He was silent, absorbing all that I said.

My turn for a question. I tried to think of a good one. I’m probably a masochist. This is another topic I’m interested about.

“How many girlfriends have you had? What happened with the last woman you dated?”

He frowned upon hearing my question. His face revealed an uncomfortable expression. Hah! Got you!

“Before I answer that, I just want to clarify something. You agreed to date me, right?”

I frowned at his question. Well, we are dating. Though we haven’t been on a date since the incident last time. I guess we could classify today as a date.

“Yes, I did.” I answered slowly.

“So, technically, we are dating. And since we are dating, you’re currently my girlfriend. I thought I should make it clear, since you don’t seem to understand where I’m coming from when I ran off your male friends. But I understand now that I shouldn’t do that, you don’t want that. I’ll respect your choices of male friends in the future.”

I froze. Wait, what? He grinned at my expression.

“I thought so, you had no idea.” His expression turned solemn. I felt a cold dripping down my back. I grimaced. So, all this time…

“You mean to say, that you’re…” I gulped, not quite comfortable with saying the word.

“I’m your boyfriend. In a way, I have reasons not to be happy with you spending time with your male friends. Though, I see now that you need that. I just hope you’ll still find time to spend with me.”

“Oh wow…” I’m basically at a loss for words. I’m dumb for not understanding all these rules on dating. I should’ve done my research before I agreed to go on a date with him. I thought it’s just a phase to know each other, to see if we would like each other’s company and personality.

“Don’t want to date me anymore?” The hint of nerves at his question made me smile.

“I want to. It’s just a surprise, is all.” Inside my mind, I’m already a mess. What the heck am I supposed to do at this point? I didn’t realize dating is already deemed to be a relationship between two people.

“Don’t worry about it. We could just go on with what we’re currently doing. It’s still a phase to get to know each other.” He explained. I sighed.

“At this point, you can say you’re my first boyfriend. My first date. My first kiss. Ugh.” I didn’t realize I was rambling. He’s only smiling sweetly.

“Now, to answer your question. This is awkward, by the way. Why you would want to know is beyond me. Alright, I had a handful of girlfriends before. I’m not sure about the exact count. Probably eight to twelve. The first one is from middle school. The last one is from a couple of years ago. She was a businesswoman. I thought our businesses could form a partnership. But the relationship itself was a bit dull. We’re always talking about business. She’s so into it. I haven’t heard from her since we broke up. In a way, our conversations were stressful. She practically comes to me for every problem, asking how I would solve it if it were me. I had enough, so I broke it off with her.”

When I heard the number, I was a little sad. But the last part of his story is amusing, I can’t help raising an eyebrow to question him. Seriously?

“I know. You’ll think I was that boring. She’s headstrong. I can’t steer our conversations to something else. It’s always what she wants to talk about. So, in a way, I realize I failed to know her better. But I’d dare say it was her fault, anyway. Won’t you agree?”

I nodded. I’ve seen that type of person at Tracy’s. I’ve seen different types of people at Tracy’s. It’s good for honing my ability to read people’s expression.

“I’d say, poor you.” I can’t help teasing. I thought his answer would break my heart a little, but in a way, it made me realize I’m somewhat better than his last girlfriend.

“Your turn.” I reminded him. The cake was heavenly. I rummaged through the food he brought and found a still-warm pumpkin soup. His expression turned serious. He even coughed to clear his throat. I raised an eyebrow.

“This one’s a little serious. It’s been bothering me, so I’d like your answer to it.” He bit his lip when he paused. Then, he took a deep breath.

“What I did last time, forcing myself on you… did it scare you? Did I scare you?”

Oh, right. It’s serious enough. Even I felt a little nervous. I don’t know why. I already admitted to myself that I like his kiss, even the aggressive one he did. It was when he touched my skin under my clothes that I panicked. I wasn’t ready for that.

I put down the bowl of soup on the table, as I try to compose myself. I pulled my knees and wrapped my arms around them. Was I scared? I sighed, not daring to look at him. I decided to stare at the food on the table.

“Was I scared?” Wow, I actually sounded normal. I’m proud. I bit my lip, thinking what to say next. Dammit, I could feel the burning in my eyes as tears started to form. I’m not going to cry. I wasn’t that scared, and he stopped, so it wasn’t really bad. I looked up, not allowing the tears to fall.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized again. I could feel the pain in his tone.

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you stopped. Whatever made you stop, I’m glad of it. When you stopped, in a way, I was assured that you wouldn’t really… go through with it. That you wouldn’t hurt me. That you wouldn’t… dishonor me that way.” My voice was cracking at every sentence.

“It’s when I heard you say you hate me that I stopped. I came back to my senses. I knew it was wrong. I was just… I lost control. I want you for myself. I was afraid you’ll choose some other guy over me. I wasn’t that confident. I’m not sure if you would choose me on your own. When I realized what I was doing, I was horrified. I don’t want you to hate me. I can’t… I can’t bear it if you hate me.”

“In a way, I’m proud of how strong I am. I can punch. I can kick. But at that moment, I felt weak. I wasn’t even able to push you away. My knees felt weak; I can’t even kick you even if I wanted to.” I stared at him for a good one minute. I stood up.

“Come on up. I’ll let you taste my punch.” I even offered a hand to pull him up. There’s a hint of a smirk on his face. Don’t underestimate me, moron.

Dammit, why is it that once he stood up in front of me, I felt small and weak. My left eye twitched. It would be a joke if I punch him now. I held up my hands to look and they’re actually trembling. He saw it, too. He took them into his own hands. His enveloped mine. I don’t understand the warm and cold feeling that I felt. When I looked up to see his face, there’s only concern in them.

“I won’t hurt you.” He promised. He stepped closer and closer until our foreheads are touching. He let go of my hands to wrap his arms around me. It was a tight hug. He kissed me on the forehead before letting go.