Torn Between Two

Five

Graduation goes off without a hitch and everybody is ecstatic to be moving on, and also because it is summer vacation. I know these kids have known each other for a solid nine years and they are very attached to one another which explains the bucketloads of tears falling from their eyes. Yesterday everyone was handing out yearbooks and I swear everyone's face was red and eyes were puffy. It was one huge sob fest. You know what though? I understand the feeling, and even though I haven't known them since being a tiny tot, I feel the sting of going our separate ways.

We all listen intently to the Valedictorian, Margaret Chow, give her speech about how the milestones keep coming faster and faster for us and how it is our journey through life, and it is up to us to carve the path we want to take in order to achieve our wildest dreams. It is a pretty damn good speech and we all applaud once she is done.

I watch as Cole stands from his seat, and him being Cole, decides to fling his cap into the air and we watch as it strikes one of the teachers heads. I shake my head and roll my eyes trying so hard not to burst out laughing. Leave it to Cole to do something so dumb. I watch as he ducks and slumps in his seat, as if he'll get in trouble for it. The teacher however looks pretty pissed off.

Justin just laughs at his brothers antics and looks over to where I'm sitting and melts my heart with his damn gorgeous smile. I see Mandy looking over at him and then to me and subtly gives me the middle finger. I get it. The girl is upset and jealous over being publicly dumped. I feel for her too because I'd be mad as hell if the roles were reversed. However, I can't seem to dwell on it too much. I'm happy. That's the bottom line.

We are now in the throes of summer vacation and everything just seems right in the world. Every day since the last day of school, I have been hanging out with the brothers together, then spending some quality time with Justin and getting to know him more and more while also drowning in his lips. His kids is deadly but so worth it.

Days I don't spend with them are days I spend time with my mom. We recently drove up the coast, just on a whim, and the sight of the beach was just jaw dropping. It was picture perfect. The two of us having each other and embarking on journeys together is all I could ever ask for.

We didn't plan a single second of our getaway and just did whatever came to our minds. We sunbathed on the beach, took surfing lessons with an instructor who was undoubtedly overly flirtatious with my mom, collected sea shells, antique shopped at the little mom and pop stores along the boardwalk, and also feasted on everything we could find.

I was a bit wary trying anything that had tentacles but Calamari is an absolute favorite of mine now. We even threw down blankets on the sand one night and watched as the sun set and then stayed to watch as the stars shone bright in the sky with the moon glistening on top of the water.

"Your dad has been trying to get in contact with me." Mom says as we just stare up at the night sky. I tense hearing anything remotely related to the dirtbag but yet, he is still my father. I still share DNA with the home wrecker.

"Do you think dad is even the slightest bit sorry about what he did to our family?" I ask leaning up on my elbows, sincerely wondering.

"Honestly? Maybe? I'm not even sure sweetheart. All I know is that he threw away years of marriage and now he wants to try and make amends. To me it is a little too late. He was my first love and will most likely be my last. I can't go through the dating scene again and getting to know someone like that. I'm basically back at square one and that s**t is exhausting to say the least." I laugh at her words.

"You're still young mom. You can do the whole redo and find someone who could possibly make you even happier than dad ever did. Don't give up on love mom. You deserve it." I lean my head on her shoulder and we just continue to sit in silence for the rest of our time down on the beach. The next day, we pack up our stuff and head back home. We come back to see both Cole and Justin waiting for us by our building. Mom chuckles. She loves those boys. She loves that Justin finally pulled his head out of his a*s too.

"Those boys seem oh so lost without you. Look at them. Gone for a few days and they are waiting outside like two lost puppies. They are way too funny. Too bad they are going to be stuck carrying our stuff upstairs before you give them the time of day." She says as she shuts the car and opens the door and I c***k up hysterically. I make a point to remain in my seat and wait till mom hands over everything for them to carry and once that is all done, I exit the vehicle.

"Hey babe." I say to Justin who looks hella good in his white tee and blue basketball shorts with matching Jordans. His hair falls into his eyes and I can see the forming of muscles on his arms from him starting to work out more and more lately. I am leaning against the car when he pins both his arms beside me so that I am boxed in his embrace. His scent hits me like a ton of bricks and I immediately feel at home. He leans down to kiss me and it takes my breath away like it always does.

"Get a room you two." Says Cole from behind him but Justin just offers him the middle finger while still kissing the s**t out of me. We part after what feels like a millennia and our chests are rising and falling rapidly, both eager to push our limits. He'd be my first just like I'd be his but we are still way too young to go down that route. Justin takes my hand in his and drapes it over my shoulder. Cole stands on my other side and we begin to walk towards my building.

"So sweet cheeks. How was your spontaneous adventure? Anything exciting happen?" He says while leaning against my building with one leg up against the wall as he watches the people pass us by. More like watching the scantily clad dressed girls in their summer attire flashing their god given gifts for him to enjoy. The dirtbag. I examine how Justin is dressed for summer weather whereas Cole is dressed in all black with the black shades to match. Black shirt, black jeans, even black Jordans.

"You do realize it's summer and you are wearing all black? Heading to a funeral or something? Aren't you dying in that?" I ask really wondering what the hell goes through his mind when he picks out his outfits. He is seriously a*s backwards sometimes.

"I look good, just admit it sweet cheeks." He says while he brings his shades down to look at me and winks. Justin pulls me closer to him and places me in front of him and hugs me from behind wrapping his arms around my waist. He leans his head down to the crook of my neck kisses me there which tickles and he laughs doing it again. We stand there bullshitting for god knows how long when mom comes outside.

"Good grief kids. Go have some fun instead of just standing here. I have to run to the store sweetheart. Do you want anything?" She asks and I shake my head.

"Ok, I'll be back later. Protect my baby girl you two!" She calls out before heading into the car and riding off. Cole salutes her and I roll my eyes.

"Come on. Let's go down to the beach. I can't get enough of it!" I say making the both of them whine but I get my way and we head down there, meeting up with some of our old classmates and make it a day of relaxation and goofing around.

Justin and I sit on our blanket wrapped up in one another as we watch Cole get his a*s kicked in volleyball. Cole comes charging at us, kicking sand all over the place making Justin dart after him and I just stay back watching as they chase each other up and down the sand until they decide it is best to mess with me.

I see Justin coming at me to my right and Cole to my left walking towards me and then out of nowhere running at me. I squeak and get up and run out of their way but they are both running after me and well s**t, they are both way too fast. They could be football players or baseball players with the way they run. s**t, even track they would dominate the field. Justin catches me and throws me in his arms and runs straight for the water with me yelling at him to put me down.

"Put me down you dumbass!" I scream.

"Okay." He says before dropping me into the ocean water. I rise to the surface and wipe my eyes and when I can see again clearly, I direct my anger at him. He holds his hands up in mock surrender and then I turn to see Cole laughing his stupid a*s off. These two will regret teaming up against me. I walk through the water like la dee da until I launch myself at him when he least expects it and begin to drown his a*s in the water. I smash his head below the water and count to five. I let go and then leap for his brother, my lovely douche of a boyfriend but he catches me in his arms and I instantly wrap my legs around his waist. He gulps and just stares at me before we bring our foreheads together and just remain like that for a beat.

"I need you to know something Hannah. I can't lose you. If I ever lost you, I'd lose myself. The part of me that l...lo..loves you would be lost forever. Please don't ever leave me." He says and it makes my heart leap out of my chest.

"You love me Justin Perry?" I say and he gives me a boyish smile with sparkling eyes.

"That I do Hannah Montgomery. Think the moment I locked eyes on you it was a done deal. Promise me you'll never leave me?" He says and all I can do is say Promise.

His hair is clinging to his forehead and I swipe it back and lean in for a kiss when a s**t ton of water is splashed onto us. Cole, being Cole once again, just has to go and ruin our moment.

"Hold that thought baby." Justin says and lets me go and chases after Cole in the water. I am laughing till my stomach hurts and begin to make my way out of the ocean. I leave them to act like savages and go back to sitting on my blanket. I wrap a towel around me and open up the book I have brought with me and begin reading until a shadow hovers over me a little while later.

"Back baby. Cole shouldn't be bothering us any longer. Kind of tricked him into walking into an already made sand grave and now kids are burying his body and leaving only his head out. Maybe I should put some bread by his face and watch as the seagulls attack him." He says nonchalantly and I gape at him. I look down and low and behold, all I can see is Cole's head sticking out of the sand with the little children cracking up.

"Omg Justin. He's going to murder you!" I begin to laugh. I can't help myself. He really got Cole good this time. Even our classmates are getting a kick out of it and posting it on social media.

Oh boy.

Justin is in so much trouble tonight when they get home. He shrugs it off and comes to sit behind me on the blanket and I lean back on him and we just sit there until the sun starts to set. The little kids finally dig Cole out of his makeshift grave and he immediately runs into the water before coming back to where we are and instantly gives Justin the middle finger.

"Best be prepared for the ultimate payback brother." He says before scooping up his clothes and walking away from us.

"I think he's really mad Justin." I say as we walk hand in hand behind a seething Cole, but Justin could care less.

"He'll get over it. Eventually. Did some serious damage to his ego. Whoops." He says and I just roll me eyes. The boys walk me home and Cole just waves bye to me and continues walking.

"Go apologize to him Justin." I say to him.

"Aw do I have to baby? He's done worse to me over the years. I've got scars to prove it! Nope not apologizing for one upping him." He says like a little boy and I just cross my arms across my chest and giving him puppy eyes, and he immediately caves.

"Ugh. You owe me." He says sulking and I grab him by the back of the neck and kiss him. When we part I still remain holding him.

"I can see if that can be arranged. Love you Justin Perry." His eyes sparkle and he dives in for another kiss.

"Call me later?" He says and I nod.

"Bye baby." He kisses my cheek and watches as I walk into the building but before I fully walk inside, I can hear Cole from down the block.

"Night sweet cheeks!" He yells.

"See! Told you he wasn't that mad." Justin says and I roll my eyes.

"Yeah. He's not mad at me, duh." He narrows his eyes before smiling at me. He watches me walk inside and when I walk into my building, a small smile graces my face. I head upstairs and open my door.

"Mom? I'm home." I call out but no response. Huh. She must still be out. I shrug and head to my room. I grab my towel and pj's and go straight to the bathroom. I take a much needed shower, finally feeling better having no more sand in places it should not be, and get dressed. I detangle my hair and then go into the kitchen ready to heat some leftovers up since my stomach is growling up a storm. I place whatever's left of the chinese food we had from before we left on a plate and stick it in the microwave for two minutes. I check my phone for any messages or missed calls from my mom but there are none. The microwave dings but before I can open it, there is a knock on my door.

What the hell?

How are people getting into my building?

I grab my phone and walk towards the door to see maybe my mom ran into a neighbor downstairs who let her in and she doesn't have her keys with her. It wouldn't be the first time that happened. She always forgets something whether it be her keys, phone, or wallet.

I check the peephole but come to see two men standing there. Not just two men. Two police officers. Dread crawls up my spine and I begin to feel like I am on the verge of hyperventilating.

Maybe this is nothing.

I shake off the uneasy feeling I have and open the door with shaky hands.

"Ms. Montgomery? Hannah Montgomery?" I nod my head not being able to speak.

"I'm police officer Rogers and this is my partner police officer Harrison." He says. My body becomes number and everything around me feels like it is fading away except for the two officers still in front of me.

"There was an accident. It was a head on collision. I'm so sorry miss. There were casualties." Officer Rogers says as the phone I am holding crashes to the floor and I feel my legs become jello.

What does he mean by head on collision?

No.

This can't be happening.

This isn't true.

I'm fast asleep.

This is nothing but a dream. I'll pinch myself and wake up and mom will be in the kitchen making dinner. She'll be her happy self and smile as soon as I walk into the kitchen.

Yes. That's right. I'm dreaming.

I pinch myself but I am still here. I am still in my nightmare. My mind is swimming and the need to scream futile. The tears are dropping from my eyes and I feel myself falling to the ground until arms wrap around me, keeping me from crashing to the ground.

I know these arms.

No. Not him!

Go away!!!

I don't want you!

I want my mom!

I want Justin!

Arms that are not of the person that I need the most are holding onto me for dear life. Strangling me in his embrace.

"I'm so sorry Hannah. I'm here for you. I got you. Dad is here." He says all the while hugging me and clinging onto me for dear life. It is now that s**t hits me like a freight train and it becomes clearer and clearer that my mom is gone. My mom, the one to have been there through thick and thin isn't coming home.

She's never coming home.

I begin to scream and everything fades.

I wake up sometime later in a room that is unfamiliar to me. I look around and see that it is decorated with everything I once had as a child. There are photos everywhere, medals I had be given when I was a child for the silliest things, drawings I drew that I thought my dad had thrown away, everything that I didn't think was still existent when mom and I moved away. We left with only the necessities and things that she had stored away from my childhood herself.

Mom.

Shit. f**k. s**t.

It feels as if all the air has been soaked from my lungs and it is like I am being strangled. I put my head between my legs knowing that I am having a panic attack, and grab at my hair and yank hard, needing to feel anything other than the pain of loss and the need to die myself. Tears won't come down probably because I cried myself dry. I'm hollow. I feel like a corpse alive in a sucky sickening world.

How could this even happen?

Why did this even happen?

I rise from the bed I am in, and make my way out of the room to hear my dad, his parents, and my moms parents all downstairs speaking to one another in hushed tones somberly. When they see me coming down from the top of the staircase, they all become quiet and it aggravates me to death. Whatever they have to say they can say it loud and clear because I am not a baby nor am I a child anymore. I am more then aware about what the f**k is going on. I lost my mom.

"Sweetie, come here. I'm so sorry. We are here if you need anything." My grandpa says as he hugs me along with grandma, my father's parents. I embrace the hug but not with my whole heart. I have barely seen them in ages. They usually popped up here and there but never for very long. They were always too busy to stay for more than ten minutes, when I was a little girl. When the divorce happened, of course they had taken their son's side and accused mom of giving up too quickly.

Why should she have forgiven him?

He f****d up. Not her.

Now, my moms parents I've just seen recently, not too long ago actually, before they themselves went on a mini vacation to Graceland, and from where I'm standing, I can feel their hearts bleeding out onto the floor. That was their little girl. I tear myself away from my dads parents and run to hug my gramps and grams. They were always there hanging out with me and my mom throughout my childhood when dad was at work. They would take me out for dinner or scoop me away for some one on one time and buy me ice cream or take me to the park. They would always ask how I was doing and continuously made an effort to know everything that was going on with me and I always knew they loved me with everything they have.

I cry into my gramps' shirt and grams just holds onto me. Nothing is said between us, just us sharing our loss together. This pain is unbearable and I know for sure that I will never be the same. I wish that the two other people that are my family were here but where is even here? This is not the house I grew up in, that I know for sure.

"Where are we?" I ask, sniffling and looking into my dad's eyes that are so void of emotion.

"My new home. I couldn't, no, wouldn't live in the home that I had made a family with all those years ago when your mom left with you, so I packed everything and found myself another place. Do you like it? This is where you'll be staying from now on." He says and my eyes must bug out of my head because this is absurd. I have no one else to stay with but the fact that I was taken away from my home and from my friends is too much for my brain to comprehend at the moment.

"I need to go back to get my things. To say goodbye to my friends. I had a life where mom and I were. I was happy! Let me go back. I want moms stuff. I want my stuff. There are things in that apartment that mean everything to me! I need to see Justin and Cole and tell them what is going on! They have always been there for me and I refuse to be told that I cannot say goodbye!" I belt out but dad just shakes his head not giving a damn what I am saying.

"Out of the question. That life is long over. You are staying here now and doing as I say. Whatever you had in that apartment I will make sure to hire movers to pack and bring here. You don't leave my sight because I have already lost one of you. I am not losing you too. Over my dead body will I lose you too!" He says slamming his hands onto the table. There is a collective gasp in the room and I just run back upstairs while my father yells for me to come back down. f**k him.

Has he lost his damn mind?

He can't keep me locked up as a prisoner!

Little did I know that he basically could.

The days drag on and what feels like years has only been a few days. We had a quick funeral, burying my mom with a beautiful headstone which I never wanted to remove myself from, but eventually my dad tore me away kicking and screaming. My grandparents from both sides left and I am now stuck living with my father who watches everything I do like a deranged hawk.

He has clearly lost his mind because he speaks to himself and acts crazy. He has been hitting the liquor bottle more and more and I just learn to stay away from him. He becomes unhinged at times and when he does, I lock myself in my room and think back to better, happier times. Happier times with my mom and her laugh. Happier times with Justin and Cole by my side. This isn't the life I want to live without my mom here. I am so consumed in darkness that I need to find a way out. Somehow, someway, I will find a way out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since my mom's death, I have been in contact with no one. Dad took away my phone from the start so I couldn't call anyone and never did remember Justin or Cole's numbers by heart so I never had a chance to say goodbye to them. They must think the worst of me. I promised that day, the day my mom died, that I wouldn't leave, but this wasn't something that I saw coming nor did I realize my dad would swoop me away and hide me from the entire world. It was something that was completely out of my hands.

All my social media accounts had been taken down and I was forced into taking online courses with a teacher coming to help with my academics. High school shouldn't be like this. I should be in school making memories with my friends. Not all by my lonesome with a drunk downstairs who doesn't know up from down. I don't even bother talking to him. All I do is make sure he eats and hasn't burnt the house down with a cigarette hanging from his mouth and the liquor bottle tightly held in his hand. I've had to grow up drastically overnight and it sucks.

To say I am like Disney's Rapunzel is an understatement. I am very much locked away. I can only go to the local store which is literally a block away, and straight back home. No detours are allowed. I am not even allowed to drive a car to go to the Walmart that is not too far away. My dad refuses to see me drive a car all because of who he lost. Does he not realize that I lost her too? He definitely needs to remember that he lost mom way before the accident. He lost her when he cast us aside all for what? A mid life crisis?

All the while feeling like a prisoner, I have been doing some research about becoming an adult by legal means, and as soon as I turn seventeen, which is not too far away, I am going to emancipate myself. Little does dad know that one of the boxes that the movers had packed from my old apartment was in fact a safe box that held all my important documents that my mom saved for me for when I got older.

It contains my bank account that holds the money mom was saving for my college years and everything else I need to live an adult life. Passport, social security card, birth certificate. I will use the money that was supposed to be for college to find myself a studio apartment and enroll myself into an actual school so I could obtain a HS diploma like every other kid. I am done hiding from the world. I need to live my life. My mom would never allow this to keep happening.

It's at these times that I miss her deeply. Living these past years without anybody but me, myself, and I has killed me more and more on the inside. I need to be free. I need to live a life without the constant worrying that my father is the next to go. The way he is just drinking his life away is not the life I need to deal with any longer. I may be selfish but I need to escape.

I just hope that when I make my return to those that meant the world to me, that they don't downright hate me. Hell, I wouldn't even blame them for just up and disappearing. I have that only feeling that what I am going back to is going to come with more heartache and pain which is scary to think about. How much more could I possibly take?

The only question is, will it be worth it?

Will I be able to survive their undeniable wrath?